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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Mil makes dh his tea

175 replies

legolegolegolego · 01/01/2020 20:32

Looking for some opinions on this and whether it’s a bit...well...weird or not! DH works shifts, finishing at 8pm. He’s in the habit of stopping by his mums on the way home from work where she gives him his tea. He then brings it home with him. Many times I’ve plated up a dinner for dh and he’s eaten his mums instead. Today I cooked a roast dinner (dc and I ate earlier) it was all plated ready and again he’s come home with a big plate of food from his mums. Aibu to feel like I needn’t have bothered? Should I be happy that she’s cooking his tea and I don’t have to? It just feels odd to me and I cant imagine going to my mums everyday for my tea at my age!

OP posts:
iklboo · 01/01/2020 20:45

After that bloody behaviour just stop cooking for him altogether. No meals at all.

brassbrass · 01/01/2020 20:45

That's an even worse update. He's doing it to punish you.

Schoolinfoplease2020 · 01/01/2020 20:45

It annoys me when my OH does this. It’s so inconsiderate and typical MIL bullshit. How would she like it if the shoe was on the other foot and she prepared a meal that went to waste?

Ohtherewearethen · 01/01/2020 20:46

I would take this personally too. It does seem a bit like MIL is thinking she's fulfilling a role you aren't/can't/won't. I would also find it strange if he were a single man living alone. Stopping off at your mum's after work every evening when you have your own family at home is bizarre and unnecessary. On the one hand I guess it means you don't have to cook for him but on the other hand it seems to separate him from the rest of your family.

Lweji · 01/01/2020 20:46

I'd stop cooking for him.

HappyHammy · 01/01/2020 20:46

Seen your update, he should be supporting you, does he moan to mummy about you.

Beamur · 01/01/2020 20:47

Ah. Just seen your post about Burgergate!
In which case, I think you need a firm chat with your DH. He's obviously gone crying to Mummy...

Gigitree · 01/01/2020 20:47

Is the MIL on her own? Is she elderly? If so I can under him wanting to pop in and check on her, especially if it's on route home.

Think you need to just have a word with your husband and say if he's having tea there he needs to let you know in advance? Or perhaps say Tuesdays and Thursdays (for example) he has dinner there (or just cooked by her) and the rest of the time he has dinner at home.

I don't think you're being unreasonable at all I don't think it's fair for him to not communicate with you so therefore you end up making a meal for him unnecessarily. Do we know if she is the type to make him feel guilty if he doesn't take the food she's offering?

MrHaroldFry · 01/01/2020 20:47

My Dad always went to his parents on way home from work. We never saw him until gone 8pm. It was only as I got older I realised he avoided coming home for bedtime!

I would suggest, kindly, that (unless there is illness/life limiting disease) your DH reduces his visits to twice a week in way home. Compromise to seeing his kids, you and his mother in the week?

DartmoorDoughnut · 01/01/2020 20:47

@ legolegolegolego tbf after that update I’d stop cooking for him

I still wouldn’t blame your MIL though, it’s your DH who has gone begging!

turnaroundbrighteyes · 01/01/2020 20:47

Wtf couldn't he have just fed himself?

And why does she enable him. Sounds like they both treat him like some helpless little boy

Ginfordinner · 01/01/2020 20:48

a) Why is he calling at his mum's every night?
b) Why does his mum think your cooking isn't good enough?
c) Why are you cooking for him if he does this?
d) Why haven't you asked him why he does this?

NurseButtercup · 01/01/2020 20:48

Some more information is needed here...why is he going to his mom's everyday? If he's not eating the food at her house then I assume he's not staying very long? Does he eat the food that you've cooked?

brassbrass · 01/01/2020 20:49

Sod that I wouldn't do anything at all for him. Why oh why oh why do women put up with this?????

Disfordarkchocolate · 01/01/2020 20:50

He's being a wanker and his Mummy is helping, not a nice thought at all.

From my experience it's hard to want sex with someone still tied to mummy, and virtually impossible to be happily married.

IHateBlueLights · 01/01/2020 20:51

DH problem. She's feeding him because he asked her to after the burger tantrum. This man child is not someone I could see a future with.

He'll dump you soon get in first.

cheesydoesit · 01/01/2020 20:53

Sorry OP, that's fucking pathetic of him.

LionelRitchieStoleMyNotebook · 01/01/2020 20:54

He's an arse, he's doing it on purpose to be passive aggressive towards you and he's testing his mum like a takeaway. More fool her for allowing it. Refuse to cook for him at all.

NurseButtercup · 01/01/2020 20:56

It definitely feels passive aggressive to me. It’s like she’s trying to say that I won’t feed her son. This started after an argument where I told dh we were having burgers for tea, when he got home they weren’t plated up and had shrunk so were really small. He then had a massive strop over how I hadn’t made him food and how tiny the burgers were even though he wouldn’t wait for the chips and sides etc. The night after that was when he came home with food from his mums as I had “forced” him to ask his mum to feed him as I wouldn’t feed him. Ffs.

Unless there's some other information you've forgotten to share such as how your mil always undermines you?

You have a DH problem not a MIL problem.
If your DH was bringing home a takeaway every night or going to McDonald's after every shift and coming home "full" what would you say to him?

QuantamBaby · 01/01/2020 20:57

Good grief - that update is terrible! You didn't skivvy away for his lordship and produce a meal he found acceptable so he complained to his mum! And now stops over and picks up food for himself on the way home from work which he eats in front of you!!

Fuck that shit.

averythinline · 01/01/2020 20:58

That is really strange.... think I'd tell him not to bother coming over at all ... does he not want to see his family?

FuckingHateRats · 01/01/2020 20:59

Oh no way.

I'd try to have the convo about how ridiculous it is, how if feels like he's punishing you, how you feel undermined and see how he responds.

If he continues to do it after you've explained all this, he's a twat and should be encouraged back into his mother's womb

Elbeagle · 01/01/2020 20:59

Agree it’s a DH problem, but why is the MIL pandering to it? If my DH has gone crying to his mum that his burgers weren’t big enough, MIL would have told him to stop being such a dick and to make himself some bloody dinner if it wasn’t good enough.

FGSJoanWhatsWrongWithYou · 01/01/2020 21:00

Get him to bring back food for you all. Save money and time. Personal chef. Suggest it anyway, at which point the stupidity of the current situation might sink in.

cheesydoesit · 01/01/2020 21:01

Elbeagle yes, my MIL would have done the same but it seems that the OP's MIL and DH prefer to be a family unit versus his wife and child(ren).