AIBU to cut SIL and brother off?

[TriangleBingoBongo]

My SIL and brother had some difficulty conceiving, I don’t know the full details as they never actually told the wider family about it and it was fed down from my parents. We never really knew if we were meant to know or not.

When I found out I was pregnant (planned) I waited until my 12 week scan and let my brother know first, by phone. I knew it would be difficult news and I didn’t want him to hear through the grapevine. From that point on my SIL cut me off, which meant my brother all but did too. SIL told my DH she couldn’t talk to me as I was pregnant, brother confirmed and they shut me off.

My DD is now 10 months old, my SIL is pregnant after a successful round of IVF. They still haven’t really spoken to me and have avoided family events that I’ve been at. I asked my brother if we could get along and he told me I ought to look to my own behaviour. I said I was asked not to speak to them as I was pregnant and respected that and his response was that I should have handled it differently. Brother asked what my issue was as they speak to the rest of the family, it’s just me. SIL has spent time with other friends and family with children.

I suspect SIL just doesn’t like me, she is quite competitive and liked me several years ago when I was establishing my career etc but now I’ve not caught her up so to speak and I think me getting pregnant first was the nail on the head.

She doesn’t acknowledge DD, although bought nice presents for Christmas. She still blanks us both.

Family very involved in their own pregnancy.

I’m sick of it now, I feel shunned in my parents house and incredibly anxious around them.

I know IVF must be awful and have supported friends and family through IVF and miscarriages but feel now I’ve been excluded purely owing to my ability to get pregnant.

I said to DH I think I’m done with it, it’s been 16 months and I can’t keep creeping around pretending DD doesn’t exist. I was always close to my brother growing up but we’ve not spoken since my pregnancy.

How does he think you should have handled it?

Are your parents ok with them being so rude to you? Sounds awful for you!

They are twats. I wouldn’t bother with them.

How does he think you should have handled it?

He wasn’t able to elaborate. I said you told me SIL can’t be around me whilst I’m pregnant, what else should I have done. I didn’t want to force myself and intrude. He didn’t respond.

I wouldn't bother with them, what does your brother mean but how you handled it?

Your brother and SIL are pissed off that you didn’t tell them about your pregnancy until you were 12 weeks?

That’s the “behaviour” your brother is referring to?

If that’s all it is then they are being pathetic. I wouldn’t put up with that any more and I’d be asking my parents to start sticking up for me and not allowing this behaviour to continue

Are your parents ok with them being so rude to you? Sounds awful for you!

No, but SIL very much in control and my Mum worries she won’t get to see the GC if she says anything. My Dad did say it was their actions not mine, that have led to this (DB suggested I had been UR). But other than that they stay quite neutral.

I can't have DC due to heart condition and as upsetting as that was for me to be told in my late teens I've been nothing but happy and supportive for my friends and family members who have gone on to have DC.

Your SIL sounds like an entitled selfish bitter bitch and your brother is a complete mug.

Feel sorry for you OP, i think you should talk your parents explain how the situation is making you feel.

@Paddingtonthebear

I don’t really know what behaviour of mine my brother was referring to. He wasn’t able to elaborate. Presumably my behaviour whilst pregnant and SIL couldnt speak to me. She had told DH she couldn’t speak to me or be around me, brother reiterated so I just stopped contact thinking she’d come to me when she was ready.

If you feel like being pig-headed about it (and I would be really tempted, just to find out what they can possibly be telling themselves to justify this) I would push for an answer about how your DB thinks you acted to warrant being cut off like this.

The only way you stand a chance of getting an answer is to ask in the nicest, 'from-a-place-of-wanting-to-understand-and-apologise' way so it depends if your interested enough and able to control your irritation enough to ask in this way!

It might be satisfying to make them say it out loud to hear how silly it sounds...

@AxeOfKindness I did push and ask what I did wrong, they told me not to speak to them and that’s what I did. Brother just kept repeating that I wasn’t innocent in it all and should acknowledge the part I had to play. I got really upset and told him I couldn’t speak to him. I can’t ask again. It’s so wearing. I love being a mum but have had some highs and lows and I don’t have the strength to absorb it all anymore.

What a horrible situation. It sounds like it's all your SIL. I know some women who are trying to conceive can't be around people who are pregnant and that they can feel Very resentful of them. I hadn't realised how strongly some women feel this until I joined Mumsnet.

It sounds like it's a combination of this and you SILs dislike of you that has given her the go ahead to behave like this. It's nasty and your brother hasn't helped.
I understand that your parents can't do much. If they say anything then I'd bet your SIL would cut them off too. They can't win.
If I were you I wouldn't cut them off but I'd try really hard to put them out of my mind and ignore them. You are powerless and can't win really. 🤷🏻‍♀️
It's sounds shit.

BTW can you tell I have had a similar experience. Fortunately (?) my SIL has cut off lots of other people including all her own siblings so, logically, I can tell myself to not take it too personally. It's still shit though. It's shit for me and it's really shit for my parents.

I used to get on so well with my brother and now I don't see him.

Sorry for crap SPAG

Sorry you're having to put up with this Op. your brother and SIL are totally out of line, and frankly incredibly selfish. I say TV at as someone who has been in (remain) in your SIL's position for the best part of 10 years (no children) which has included losses at 5 months, ruptured ectopic,another miscarriage, ivf I could go on but you get the idea.

It is completely unacceptable that your daughter is being ignored and that you've been placed in the position of feeling bad / underplaying dd's existence to try to placate them. By contrast my sister had a little boy and girl in this time. At times it has hurt like you would not believe but at the end of the day I'm happy for my sister and love those kids so much.

Thanks @GoldfishRampage what makes it more difficult is that she has maintained relationships with her own pregnant friends/family or those with small children.

YANBU OP.

There is sometimes only so much you can do. It sounds like they are being rather entitled and ridiculous and whilst i have hugest sympathy for those going thru IVF and the emotional rollercoaster of it, you shouldn't be continually punished for being able to have children naturally. She is pregnant now and hopefully all will be well, time for them to move forward.Sounds like your DB and SIL quite enjoy the drama and are looking for any excuse to carry on being supposed victims.

Your parents don't want to rock the boat, and whilst it's seemingly quite disloyal of them, unfortunately lots of grandparents would react this way.

Good luck to you, I'm sure you've handled it as best you can. I've had a rocky relationship with my DB and SIL over the past 15 years and nearly called it quits, altho haven't as it would hurt my dad.

You know what they say...you can choose your friends but you can't choose your family!

Brother just kept repeating that I wasn’t innocent in it all and should acknowledge the part I had to play.

What, getting pregnant? Because it sounds like he is angry at you for getting pregnant at all (or at least before them). Maybe ask him directly if it's that.

Oh and congratulations on your daughter!

Your SIL sounds a brat OP. I went through IVF several times, it never ever made me behave like that: my niece is 2 months older than my son and I love her dearly, her sister who followed 2 years later (after my follow up miscarriages) also. It's a special kind of person who resents a baby. She's using the excuse to be rude to you personally.

They must have told someone what you are meant to have done wrong. How bizarre.

Sounds like you weren't allowed to have a baby before them...

My SIL was incredibly jealous and possessive of her DP and eventually found an excuse to fall out with DH and still his parents pander to her whilst acknowledging she is the one at fault 🙄 family dynamics seem to be fraught with insecurity.

She's using the excuse to be rude to you personally.

That’s exactly how I feel. Even DH says he thinks she just doesn’t like me. She has been civil to him the whole way through.

I lost a very much wanted baby at 13 weeks. I'd struggled to fall pg and then when I finally did, only to miscarry, it almost finished me off. At the same time, dh's younger cousin announced she was pregnant aged 20, with an unplanned baby following a one night stand with a married man who refused to have anything to do with her. She was due 6 weeks before I would have been and delayed telling everyone as she'd decided to abort but then changed her mind. There was a question mark over whether or not she drank through her pg. She moaned constantly about being pg and continually flip flopped between wanting the baby and then not. In the end, she decided she did want to keep her. She had a baby shower, which I attended. She had a 'meet the baby' event, which I attended. I bought gifts and a card. Inside, I wanted to scream at the fucking unfairness of it all. My baby was desperately wanted, but she didn't want hers - so why did mine die? I did everything right - took vitamins, ate right, didn't drink. She couldn't be arsed to do any of that - why did she get to stay pregnant and I didn't. I cried angry tears and raged to the universe. In private. In front of everyone else, I smiled and was supportive. Only once did I skip a family get together and then I pretended to be I'll and admitted to my mil that I was having a bad day and didn't think I'd hold up to listening to the baby talk. I never, ever treated dcousin badly because of my pain. Years down the line, I now see that my feelings towards her, my anger, whilst understandable, was completely unreasonable. It was my issue, my loss, my pain and none of it was her fault. I'm so glad I never said anything and dealt with my feelings privately. Your SIL is not U to have found your pg hard. However, you didn't get pg to cause her pain. You are allowed to want what she wants - a family. She can not dictate to you when you can get pg. In your shoes, I'd write to her and just tell her that you wish her all the best for her pg. Tell her you tried to respect her wishes during your own pg and didn't mean to cause any upset. But move past it, stop avoiding her and just move on. Don't wait for her to give you permission to talk to her again. Just talk. You did nothing wrong.

I have a similar issue with my SIL (DH's brother's wife). She got annoyed when we had a baby girl, I think it was because she wanted to have the first grandchild and she (apparetly) believed us having a girl meant that she wouldn't. She was also very angry we got married quietly on a friday afternoon at the registry office without a big do - she came but refused to speak to either of us which was a little awkward as there were less than 10 people there. She then stopped speaking to us entirely and when we asked my BIL he couldn't/wouldn't elaborate on why. We did offer to apologise - I was in new mum fog so I could have said something awful without realising and was happy to make amends if it helped but BIL said not to. That was 8 years ago now and she's avoided us ever since. My nephew was born shortly after my second child and she was also thought I was "milking it" when I had a very difficult delivery and had to.spend time in intensive care. I think that was something about my illness stealing her thunder because people were very worried about me while she was still pregnant.
We have a good relationship with BIL luckily and my nephew is a lovely little boy who we do see occasionally but the only time she's really said anything to us in the last 8 years was at my FILs funeral.
We just get on with it, it's a shame we can't have a good relationship with her and we don't go round to MILs when she'll be there because it's really awkward and uncomfortable but actually now I don't really notice it.
You can't do anything about your SILs issues with you, only she can change that now so worrying about it wont help.

I can understand your SIL finding it difficult to be around you whilst you. I’m assuming what you did ‘wrong’ was to conceive. That’s why DB can’t explain what you did wrong.

I would keep the higher ground. Attend family event as normal. Make sure DH backs you up. If she decides to behave unreasonably at any family events it will be in front of everyone.