AIBU to cut SIL and brother off?

[TriangleBingoBongo]

My SIL and brother had some difficulty conceiving, I don’t know the full details as they never actually told the wider family about it and it was fed down from my parents. We never really knew if we were meant to know or not.

When I found out I was pregnant (planned) I waited until my 12 week scan and let my brother know first, by phone. I knew it would be difficult news and I didn’t want him to hear through the grapevine. From that point on my SIL cut me off, which meant my brother all but did too. SIL told my DH she couldn’t talk to me as I was pregnant, brother confirmed and they shut me off.

My DD is now 10 months old, my SIL is pregnant after a successful round of IVF. They still haven’t really spoken to me and have avoided family events that I’ve been at. I asked my brother if we could get along and he told me I ought to look to my own behaviour. I said I was asked not to speak to them as I was pregnant and respected that and his response was that I should have handled it differently. Brother asked what my issue was as they speak to the rest of the family, it’s just me. SIL has spent time with other friends and family with children.

I suspect SIL just doesn’t like me, she is quite competitive and liked me several years ago when I was establishing my career etc but now I’ve not caught her up so to speak and I think me getting pregnant first was the nail on the head.

She doesn’t acknowledge DD, although bought nice presents for Christmas. She still blanks us both.

Family very involved in their own pregnancy.

I’m sick of it now, I feel shunned in my parents house and incredibly anxious around them.

I know IVF must be awful and have supported friends and family through IVF and miscarriages but feel now I’ve been excluded purely owing to my ability to get pregnant.

I said to DH I think I’m done with it, it’s been 16 months and I can’t keep creeping around pretending DD doesn’t exist. I was always close to my brother growing up but we’ve not spoken since my pregnancy.

I think you need to draw a line under their behaviour in a way.
They treated/treat you badly.

Go to the events you want to, be lively to everyone, leave if it's too much.

Have a baby when you feel it's right, I wouldn't tell dB when you're pregnant, he lost out on the relationship.

@Ceara

Why should the OP rise above it? I would be interested to know why SILs continued grief is more important than the OP’s mental health or her relationship with her family.

People who cut off other people like this are cruel. I understand completely the irrational feelings of jealousy and grief. I’ve watch one after another of my friends and family get pregnant when I could not. But I would never, never, never be so cruel to them.

Selfish people don’t need a reason to be selfish. If SIL is still struggling to behave decently then she needs to have counselling (as I did) to help her come to terms while her struggle, instead of irrationally lashing out.

And if she has a problem with the OP then she should discuss it with the OP like a fucking adult.

Don't put your life on hold for your brother and sister in law, if you and DH want more children then have them. You can never do anything that will stop your brother and sister in law behaving like they are.

It's down to them to make the first move as they have gone NC with you, but have made it look like you have because they have made demands on how YOU behave towards them and you have done as they wish.

I think sil thinks you should have waited until she was pregnant before you got pregnant. That's the only thing I can think of as to what her problem is. I think you are going to have to let them get on with it.

Thanks everyone. I just wanted a general opinion to make sure I’m not missing something/being unreasonable. Doesn’t sound like I am.

Personally I would go NC with your brother and SIL. If they are at Family events, ignore them.
Did this years back with SIL and BIL, peace we have is amazing!

I think you either draw a line and ignore them, or have 1 conversation and send 1 letter.

The conversation being with your DP and DH to let them know that you're feeling bullied, unwelcome in their home and that your DC is being slighted also. That by accepting the cruelty towards you its being condoned and that whilst you understand why they might not speak out more strongly against it, you hope they support you in sending a letter to your brother.

The letter is to your brother. I'd be saying that whilst you love him, and understand why your pregnancy was hard for them both you cannot/will not apologise for getting pregnant. That you, your DH and others cannot fathom any other offense you could have committed and that the ball is firmly in his court to confirm what else he is angry about. I'd say that what were initially understandable responses have now become rude, bullying and hurtful and that you are unable to accept it any longer. I'd finish by repeating that you do love him, wish you could find a way forward and that its now up to him to communicate what you have done wrong so that you might take it from there.

Oh, and at every family party I'd breezily be saying hello and how are they, so that it is firmly on them to be rude in ignoring you.

How upsetting op, doesn't sound like you did anything wrong other than get pregnant and respect you dB and sil wishes not to rub their noses in it. I can see that IVF must be a hugely stressful time but that doesn't excuse their behaviour especially now.
If would go relatively no contact but still go to family events, be polite and friendly but not go out of my way to see them or their DC. Hopefully things will mend in time. I've seen friends go a bit batty/ self absorbed when going through IVF and when they are, thankfully, successful they act that their DC is the second coming of the Messiah having ignored or refused to acknowledge everybody's else's DC / pregnancies. Thankfully after a year or so it wears off so give it time .

She's a vile fucker OP.. better she's out of your life.. nobody needs poisonous fucker like that in their lives... period...

@BelleSausage - I totally agree with everything you’ve written and I admire your strength.

Thanks @BelleSausage, I know SIL sees a counsellor, brother said it was on their advice to cut me off as apparently counsellor adviser that SIL didn’t spend time with pregnant women. The family were never convinced by this. I doubt she would have been told to be so callous, or is she had I don’t think the counsellor would have envisaged this.

Also wondered how this worked at work etc. She works for a big organisation and I can’t believe there was never any pregnant women there.

@TriangleBingoBongo l struggle to believe the counsellor said that, even if it was a achievable. Their role isn’t to tell people what to do. Maybe the counsellor suggested minimising contact with pregnant women if it was distressing him / them. Then SIL / them got carried away with it all? It’s all rather odd