AIBU to cut SIL and brother off?

[TriangleBingoBongo]

My SIL and brother had some difficulty conceiving, I don’t know the full details as they never actually told the wider family about it and it was fed down from my parents. We never really knew if we were meant to know or not.

When I found out I was pregnant (planned) I waited until my 12 week scan and let my brother know first, by phone. I knew it would be difficult news and I didn’t want him to hear through the grapevine. From that point on my SIL cut me off, which meant my brother all but did too. SIL told my DH she couldn’t talk to me as I was pregnant, brother confirmed and they shut me off.

My DD is now 10 months old, my SIL is pregnant after a successful round of IVF. They still haven’t really spoken to me and have avoided family events that I’ve been at. I asked my brother if we could get along and he told me I ought to look to my own behaviour. I said I was asked not to speak to them as I was pregnant and respected that and his response was that I should have handled it differently. Brother asked what my issue was as they speak to the rest of the family, it’s just me. SIL has spent time with other friends and family with children.

I suspect SIL just doesn’t like me, she is quite competitive and liked me several years ago when I was establishing my career etc but now I’ve not caught her up so to speak and I think me getting pregnant first was the nail on the head.

She doesn’t acknowledge DD, although bought nice presents for Christmas. She still blanks us both.

Family very involved in their own pregnancy.

I’m sick of it now, I feel shunned in my parents house and incredibly anxious around them.

I know IVF must be awful and have supported friends and family through IVF and miscarriages but feel now I’ve been excluded purely owing to my ability to get pregnant.

I said to DH I think I’m done with it, it’s been 16 months and I can’t keep creeping around pretending DD doesn’t exist. I was always close to my brother growing up but we’ve not spoken since my pregnancy.

I had sympathy with her at first, if she had gracefully said that seeing you pregnant was just too difficult and she would be stepping back I'd think it was fine, but pursuing a weird grudge about it is just spiteful.

They are basically upset that you got pregnant before them? This is ridiculous. btw congratulations on your daughter, she doesn't need competitive, bitchy uncle and auntie like that.

Cut them off - and don't be ashamed, don't let anyone make you feel that you had to handle anything differently. You did the right thing by telling him directly. They sound childish.

Absolutely enough is enough. You're not a punchbag and your lovely daughter should be celebrated, not ignored. I understand your parents are jumpy, but to be honest only a very Nasty person could exclude (a) a woman for giving birth; and (b) an innocent child.

As I said earlier I'm in your Sil's position yet this is making my blood boil - your sil and brother are missing a huge opportunity to be in your dd's life. It is their loss. I say that as someone who adores my niece and nephew rather than projecting my devastation on my family.

Like others have said it sounds like your sil is just looking for a reason to get at you / dislike you and your brother is frankly weak. in your shoes I would cut them both off as it sounds like whatever you do will be wrong.

I'd cut them off. Yanbu. Completely ignore them at any event. I'd also tell your parents enough is enough and they needed to stick up for you too. They're your parents and their relationship with your dd will suffer as a result as you won't be around as much surely.

I'm a bit torn on this one. I have secondary infertility (just starting ivf) and it really has shocked me how insane it is making me. There are some people I just can't stand to be around despite them doing nothing wrong, whereas I do have quite a lot of friends with new babies that I enjoy spending time with. I have a weird resentment that I struggle to control. The difference being that I don't think any of the people involved would know about my internal struggle. Yes your sil and db have treated you very badly, but do you want to look back in 20 years and feel sad that you no longer have a relationship with db. I think it's worth one last shot. Reach out to sil and db to say you'd like to build bridges and move on, how about meeting somewhere for a coffee. If they don't want to then you know you've given it your best try. Good luck with whatever you decide.

Just cut your losses, and concentrate on your own lovely family.
She’s deranged, and likely to stay like that, all stemming from jealousy of you.
You can never win with these types, ignore her and your brother in law.
You’ve done nothing but be nice.

It’s hard to accept, but sometimes people just irrationally dislike you, and nothing you try will change it.
It’s their problem, not yours.

A lovely girl I know, once told me, that although she has boys, at one time she could never ever speak to any mothers of girls, because that’s what she wanted.
She’s fine now, but couldn’t help her self at the time.

Yes your sil and db have treated you very badly, but do you want to look back in 20 years and feel sad that you no longer have a relationship with db. I think it's worth one last shot.

You're kidding RIGHT

Oh God, you poor thing - they're both being totally unreasonable & pretty shitty about it all. What more could you have done? Your SIL sounds batshit crazy & your brother sounds well & truly under her thumb. You shouldn't still feel the need to apologise etc.

I say this as someone who had horrendous fertility struggles for years & had to slap on a brave face & show up at baby events & buy endless presents etc - never once was I anything but nice to family/friends who were pregnant, even though I may have gone home & cried buckets on occasion.

Having said that, 1 close friend (or so I thought) completely cut me dead the second I found out I was finally pregnant & safely past the 3mth stage which I'd never reached before. She knew all about my situation & I was super sensitive towards her because she'd started having similar problems but she was so utterly vile to me & it ended our friendship completely - the final straw was when she saw me in the street with my newborn, immediately crossed the road & blanked me. Such a shame. Bothered me for years but I finally let it go.

Would your parents ask sil just what the hell she’s playing at? What is the part you allegedly played and why does your db think it appropriate to split the family in this way?

TriangleBingoBongo - in your situation, I would have absolutely no qualms in making bugger all effort with the silly, insecure, apparently slightly deranged and manipulative woman. She sounds a royal pain in the backside. Don’t expect your parents to help though, as she sounds 100% the sort of person who would then cut your db off from them, too.

Be nice to your db if the marriage ends, though - someone that nasty when feeling insecure isn’t a good bet in my book for a long, happy and stable marriage.

@WorldsOnFire But that’s what SIL is doing isn’t it? So OP should simply stand around being treated like shes done something wrong

Eh? I never once said such a thing? I never mentioned OP? You're twisting words again!!!!

By NOT blackmailing her parents, she is NOT just allowing herself to be pushed around. There are other options as PP's have kindly suggested.

Please stop twisting everything

OP I’m so sorry. It must feel like shit for you. Please think about how this might affect your DD. I don’t know it will but it seems they are already treating you both shockingly

That does sound like a rather extreme reaction by them. Especially dragging everyone else into it. I know infertility can be hard but even so...

Maybe you need to ask for clarification and / or examples about you "not being the innocent". Whatever that means?! Playing devils advocate but maybe you were a little tactless when you were pregnant. Perfect example is me crying down the phone to a pregnant friend after our IVF failed, literally her next topic of conversation was her husbands work plan for her next lot of maternity leave. I don't expect it to be all about me but surely she could have come up with a better topic of conversation?! Even if it's just how mental her MIL is or how much she hates her job etc. People can be be so self absorbed and thoughtless l have found

@seven201 yep l can relate to this resentment and so can my partner. Difference is unlike OP's SIL and DB we keep it behind closed doors. No one is aware of our inner feelings

@ChocolateTeapots1 being honest if l had got a message from my SIL saying "It happens and not to say it won't work out eventually", l would have avoided her like the plague for quite a while. It's quite patronising, smug and condescending lm afraid.

With our fertility issues l find the mindless platitudes people offer up quite annoying and meaningless e.g. "oooh l am sure it will all work out", "you will get there in the end", "do you want an 8 year old to take home?!" (or the age of whatever child was being most annoying or challenging to their parents at that time).

I’d certainly be saying to your brother that it’s COMPLETELY UNACCEPTABLE to treat you as though you’ve done something wrong without even bloody telling you what that supposedly is! It’s utterly ridiculous! It’s toddler level tantrum throwing ffs!

In terms of if she continues blanking you at YOUR family gatherings I’d smilingly but firmly march straight up to her and say something like “you seem to have forgotten me in your greetings, I’m sure it was an oversight nobody would be so rude as to do so deliberately to someone at their OWN FAMILYS gathering. How have you been? Oh and I’m absolutely certain you didn’t mean to exclude dd as what could one possibly have to hold against a baby?”

But yes I think there needs to be some air cleared here.

Don’t continue to tolerate being treated like shit within your own family by someone who is only part of it by marriage!

I’m nc with my actual sister - behaviour like this was one of the (MANY) reasons, also like a pp there were physical safety issues, I tried to resolve things many times over many years. She’s just impossible to get along with (by far not just me! My mum barely tolerates her in order to maintain contact with the dgc, she’s never had a job or relationship last more than 2 years because she falls out with everyone and she only has 1 friend)

Some people there’s just no dealing with.

I have endo and had 2 mc before having dd, then another medical issue emerged at her birth which meant I was told another pregnancy would be life threatening for me so dd is my only child, I’d wanted a big family but clearly fate or whatever had other plans.

I’ve had times where being around pregnant women or new babies has been incredibly difficult for me but I’ve made polite excuses to temporarily absent myself from certain situations and events and NEVER taken my anger and sorrow at the situation on anyone else. Certainly I wouldn’t have cut off anyone long term merely because they were able to have dc even when I thought it would never happen for me.

A cousin though who had fertility issues (now has 3 lovely healthy dc) behaved similar to this though not to my knowledge quite as extreme. But she expected pregnant or new mums to be excluded on her behalf from certain family events BUT my family wouldn’t entertain it. Her mum is a bit of a drama queen too and expects people to dance to her/their tune but my family have been dealing with her all their lives, know what she’s like and simply don’t play into it. There was much thinly veiled complaints/digs on Facebook about it all - result was most of the family just unfriended them! So they were whistling in the wind and looking very foolish for it!

Ideally your whole family should just refuse to play into her nonsense!

“Be nice to your db if the marriage ends, though - someone that nasty when feeling insecure isn’t a good bet in my book for a long, happy and stable marriage.” I was just thinking that too

I went through something similar, my sil ignored me during my pregnancy and only came round when she was pregnant. I was so sensitive to her infertility, no social media posting etc. and i didn't force the relationship when i was pregnant. I think you did exactly as she said she needed.

Fast forward 3 years and we were experiencing secondary infertility. Same SIL announced her pregnancy with a huge production and didn't take a minute to think of the impact on dh and me. Turns out you can't expect other people to do the right thing! I don't think SIL even registered how sensitive we had been to them and how my pregnancy was overshadowed by people saying "poor SIL"..

Some women make their infertility issues other people's problem.

They try and make you feel guilty for getting pregnant.

It's a shame your brother is not standing up for you where his wife is concerned. This is where I think supporting your spouse come what may is ridiculous.

I know my brothers would never do this.

The fact that your brother is unable to elaborate on what you're supposed to have done says it all.

It's a shame your parents can't intervene either...

Ignore your DB..and tbh if I got a gift for my children from someone who ignored me...I'd send it back.

Stuff them.

Speaking as someone who had major fertility issues with siblings who didn’t — I think your sil being unable to be around you is fine. I couldn’t be around either of my sil’s pregnancies (but for some reason my sister’s were fine which made no sense!) but loved my DN when they were born. It’s the way your db has handled it, by turning it around on you, which isn’t right. My guess is he probably handled the whole thing badly, knows it, but doesn’t want to admit it.

As for your sil - suggest you ask her directly for a meet up over coffee. Just you and her. And don’t mention the past - try and make a fresh start. If she’s still cagey or says no then go low contact.

I would not be apologising or writing a letter, the problem is hers or theirs not yours.

Your DD matters, she should be acknowledged, be an important part of the family. The kind of toxic environment is not good or healthy for your dd, where does it end?

if it is allowed to continue, with everyone pandering to SIL, and effectively not paying to much attention to your DD in case it upsets SIL, this will only get worse when she has her baby, it has to be stopped now for your daughters sake. If that means stopping contact then thats what should happen. Your family should be, and should have supported you as a new mum, instead they have made you feel anxious and an outsider within your family.

Your not being unreasonable but I would discuss it with your parents first so they have time to prepare

Don’t write a letter. Next family do, let the tears out and leave. Let the family see you are hurt- there’s no shame in it and certainly none of them should be protected from the consequences of their support for this. I’d snap at my mum and say well you will see this dgc a lot less too as I can’t bear to attend these things anymore it’s too upsetting. Dh should step back from her hello with a ‘I don’t think that’s appropriate while you’re ostracising my wife, she’s very hurt’.

I wouldn't make any special effort for them.

@ChocolateTeapots1 being honest if l had got a message from my SIL saying "It happens and not to say it won't work out eventually", l would have avoided her like the plague for quite a while. It's quite patronising, smug and condescending lm afraid .

Agreed. What a vile thing to say to someone who has just lost a baby.

@Cryingoverspilttea

Did you read my opening message? I did not cut them off or go NC. They told me they couldn’t speak or be around me so they didn’t speak to me or be around me. They went NC with me. I carried on attending weddings, birthdays etc and they didn’t. I was not able to continue contact. I made a brief attempt to resolve and was essentially told it was my fault for getting pregnant...