AIBU to cut SIL and brother off?

[TriangleBingoBongo]

My SIL and brother had some difficulty conceiving, I don’t know the full details as they never actually told the wider family about it and it was fed down from my parents. We never really knew if we were meant to know or not.

When I found out I was pregnant (planned) I waited until my 12 week scan and let my brother know first, by phone. I knew it would be difficult news and I didn’t want him to hear through the grapevine. From that point on my SIL cut me off, which meant my brother all but did too. SIL told my DH she couldn’t talk to me as I was pregnant, brother confirmed and they shut me off.

My DD is now 10 months old, my SIL is pregnant after a successful round of IVF. They still haven’t really spoken to me and have avoided family events that I’ve been at. I asked my brother if we could get along and he told me I ought to look to my own behaviour. I said I was asked not to speak to them as I was pregnant and respected that and his response was that I should have handled it differently. Brother asked what my issue was as they speak to the rest of the family, it’s just me. SIL has spent time with other friends and family with children.

I suspect SIL just doesn’t like me, she is quite competitive and liked me several years ago when I was establishing my career etc but now I’ve not caught her up so to speak and I think me getting pregnant first was the nail on the head.

She doesn’t acknowledge DD, although bought nice presents for Christmas. She still blanks us both.

Family very involved in their own pregnancy.

I’m sick of it now, I feel shunned in my parents house and incredibly anxious around them.

I know IVF must be awful and have supported friends and family through IVF and miscarriages but feel now I’ve been excluded purely owing to my ability to get pregnant.

I said to DH I think I’m done with it, it’s been 16 months and I can’t keep creeping around pretending DD doesn’t exist. I was always close to my brother growing up but we’ve not spoken since my pregnancy.

Thanks everyone for your kind words and advice.

I’m not going to sit down with SIL, I have attempted to build a bridge before by approaching my brother and they seem preoccupied with getting an apology from me for my actions, but cannot tell me what they are. I asked to move forward and was essentially told I need to first acknowledge my own behaviour. They seem desperate to attribute blame and wanted to go over events point scoring.

To pp who said I might have been insensitive, I didn’t even have the opportunity to be so. I had no platform to, SIL not on SM or messenger. We didn’t speak for the duration of my pregnancy and until now. I announced it in what I thought was the most sensitive way, I don’t know what else I could have done.

Not that you should have to, but if you apologised for "your behaviour" would that be enough to put it to bed? At least so you can all go to family events and the cousins can know each other?

She sounds very controlling but infertility is so very painful and I definitely got a little weird.

It sounds to me like this dynamic was playing out before you got pregnant. So in some ways, practically (but not emotionally I appreciate) focusing on how you and they went about your pregnancy is a red herring. I don’t feel from what you’ve written that there is any way you could have been or behaved that would have changed where they’ve taken this.
I’ve been where you are - about different things with different relations but it’s felt torturous at times. To give you hope about the future, it no longer feels torturous for me now and I actually feel sorry for them (which I never thought I would ever be able to after all the hurt I’d felt). My relatives’ behaviour hasn’t changed an iota but I’m free (mostly!) of its toxic impact on me.
Look up “medium chill” - it’s an amazingly powerful strategy that takes some practice but it really does leave their behaviour with them and hopefully will also allow you to leave your parents reaction to it all with your parents and keep your relationship with your parents separate.
Congratulations on the birth of your daughter xx.

Sounds like they want you to apologise for getting pregnant while she was struggling to get pregnant, and feel you should've waited/put your life on hold. Don't apologise. You did nothing wrong. Took me 6 years to have my baby ds. My brother had two kids in that time. I love my nieces, my brother had every right to have children and not feel bad about it!

I am an IVF mum so have gone through the whole watching by everyone have babies whilst you are waiting in the touchline. Having read your OP I CANNOT see how you were insensitive or how you could have handled anything differently. I think a key point here, is that they NEVER told you about their fertility problems, as you say it was filtered down from your parents. The only thing, I think they could have taken offence to is the fact you phoned your brother - I would have done the same. You didn't want him finding out at an event via social media etc. Could your SIL have read that phone call as gloating rather than being a grown up respectful conversation between siblings. It sounds as if the germs of resentment had already been sown.

I don't think there is anything you can do at this stage. You have tried - go to family events, be yourself don't become a second class citizen in your own family. Acknowledge their new baby, if only sending a card/gift from their cousin.
But don't chase what wants to keep running. Chances are once the have their baby they will pretend that nothing has happened.

Good luck OP.

She sounds like an ex sil of mine. All happily came to an end with their divorce. I’d just continue as you are and wait for that to happen.

I carried on attending weddings, birthdays etc and they didn’t.

Do you think that they thought you should have given up all of those events in deference to them?

OP, I'm sorry you are having to bear the brunt of this difficult family dynamic but.... being unable to have a desperately wanted child and become a parent can send you to a dark, grief-filled, batshit crazy place. (Been there.) Grief is selfish, irrational, all-encompassing. Her pregnancy may not be a magic wand either, as it can be an incredibly anxious time even if all is going to plan with the pregnancy - when a small percentage chance of getting pregnant has come through for you, it can make you hyper-aware of the risk of loss.

My advice would be to ride it out, maintain surface civility (while occupying the space you and your child are fully entitled to occupy, unapologetically) and hope that once, fingers and toes crossed, your niece/nephew arrives safe and well, your DB and SIL will come back to themselves and less strained family relations will resume. This is your brother and (hopefully) your child's cousin, after all - worth rising above the present difficulties and hoping for the best in the future.

You can't apologise when you've done nothing wrong, objectively. (My guess is they may be upset that they didn't know you were TTC and therefore didn't have time to try to mentally prepare themselves, and/or that it was sprung on them in person by phone (I always preferred to hear in writing, so I could find my happy face by the time I saw/spoke to the pregnant person) - but none of that is your problem.) However, empathy and compassion for the reasons for their bad behaviour are probably called for - and allowing them to forget all about it when they're ready to.

I'm staggered, having been through infertility and IVF, by some of the comments on this thread, expressing shock and hurt that women unable to conceive and undergoing gruelling medical treatment which they know is more likely than not to fail, don't want to hold a newborn; sometimes duck out of baby events at the last moment; might send generous gifts but don't want to spend much time with baby nieces and nephews though some years down the line are able to start being a more involved auntie. With a little empathy and imagination, why is any of that surprising?

You say they want to go over the whole thing point scoring. Which suggests you have some inkling of what they might object to. If you really don't, the. Why not meet them to hear what they have to say. If I really had no idea I would be curious to find out.

@Ceara totally this

@similarminimer I have no inkling. When my dad spoke to them they couldn’t offer an explanation to him either. It was just that I’d gotten pregnant. My Dad said that wasn’t “bad” from my part and that I just wanted what they did to.

My advice would be to ride it out
The op has been riding it out, her dd is 10 mo, and this has been happening since she was pregnant.
How long do you think she should wait around for them to throw her crumbs when they decide they will be nice to her again?

There's a great expression. Fuck that shit.

I''d have sod all to do with either of them from today onward.

@Proper, maybe 2 years, starting from when they reach the end of the infertility road. Grief isn't a quick up-and-over thing.

@Ceara

They have no “end” SIL is pregnant and expecting a child. Whilst I understand you can’t switch grief off like a tap, I don’t really think this is about grief now, but as a PP said a bit of a red herring for their dislike for me. SIL said she couldn’t be around pregnant people, I haven’t been pregnant for a length of time now and still am not being treated any better. I’m at a stage now where I feel that the consequence of this to me and my DD is too great to just allow it to continue. When I last saw them, I fought off tears as SIL was bold as brass with the rest of the family (including another family member with small children, albeit older than mine). I felt quite vulnerable during pregnancy when I was having to give them both a wide birth and keep any news from them, but I understood. I can’t keep tip toeing. It’s not doing me any good.

Also, DH and I want to try again for another baby in 6 months or so and I don’t want this to carry through to my next pregnancy. I feel in being respectful to SIL I’ve left her with all the power and now, rather than it be a mutual understanding and her respect me and me her she’s in a bit of a power trip about it all.

On DH’s side we have another family member struggling with fertility and starting IVF and they have handled it completely differently. Whilst I understand no two people are the same we are still maintaining a relationship.

@whatsername - Respect.

Sorry OP if I didn't explain that well. I meant an "end" of trying to conceive/have children. There can be an "end" with becoming a parent to one miraculous child and deciding you are "one and done" because you can't get back on the IVF rollercoaster. For the very lucky, there can be an "end" when your family is "complete" and you have the number of children you hoped for. Or there can be an "end" when you decide to stop trying, whether that is trying for a first child, or for a subsequent child after IVF success. Right now your DB and his wife are still in the trenches of infertility - being pregnant doesn't change that. They may well be an anxious mess and absolutely terrified of losing the baby and it all being snatched away.

It's not fair on you, of course it's not fair on you, but do you want a permanent family rift, or can you continue to cut them slack and rise above the bad behaviour until they come out the other side? That shouldn't mean having to apologise for your existence, or tiptoe around - just a bit of polite distance, and making sure you see other plenty of other family members 1-2-1?

Also, what's going to happen if you force the issue right now? That's unlikely to end well. You'll lose the moral high ground and end up being painted as the bad guy.

If they were arses before infertility, and they're still arses in a couple of years, well OK they're just arses. But if this is a change and you previously had a decent/close relationship with your DB, I'd just try to rise above it , as you would if DB had, say, suffered a bereavement or some personal crisis, and was acting out of character.

OP, you have extended on olive branch to your brother and his wife.
Infertility is a bastard but doesn’t give you carte blanche to behave like an arse.
Be civil and polite, maybe they will come round once they’ve had their baby(or maybe not).
Don’t put your life on hold and don’t allow anybody’s behaviour to affect it.
You can’t change somebody’s behaviour, only the way you react to it.
I’d also attend all family events regardless whether they come or not.
You’ve got nothing to apologise for.
Congratulations on your DD

@Ceara but hasn’t the OP said that the SIL has continued friendships with other people who have children and seems to only be targeting the OP with this attitude? And not her DH.

Yes. My mum was upset to go to BBQ at their house and find SIL had a friend there with a baby a few months older than mine. SIL talks a lot to parents about friends and their children, she must be maintaining some contact to know the details.

She should not be allowed to ignore your dd! That's potentially damaging as she gets older. If someone treated my baby like this they would feel my foot up their arse.

You are definitely not being unreasonable! You did absolutely nothing wrong (as you and all the PPs have said).

Your SIL is using this as an excuse to get to you - and I suspect (as your brother said you hadn't been innocent in all this) has been telling lies to your brother about what you said or did to justify herself.

She sounds awful, it simply not a normal response. We had been going through fertility treatment for about 3 or 4 years, and I thought it might be the month, so took a test, even daydreaming about announcing it to family at a meal that day... I wasn't and when we turned up at the meal SIL announced her pregnancy. All I could do was smile and congratulate her. Luckily 2 years later we had our DD, who had (by then) two cousins to play with.

Your SIL seems to have reasons for painting you as the bad guy, when you're nothing of the sort. I would leave her to it.