AIBU to cut SIL and brother off?

[TriangleBingoBongo]

My SIL and brother had some difficulty conceiving, I don’t know the full details as they never actually told the wider family about it and it was fed down from my parents. We never really knew if we were meant to know or not.

When I found out I was pregnant (planned) I waited until my 12 week scan and let my brother know first, by phone. I knew it would be difficult news and I didn’t want him to hear through the grapevine. From that point on my SIL cut me off, which meant my brother all but did too. SIL told my DH she couldn’t talk to me as I was pregnant, brother confirmed and they shut me off.

My DD is now 10 months old, my SIL is pregnant after a successful round of IVF. They still haven’t really spoken to me and have avoided family events that I’ve been at. I asked my brother if we could get along and he told me I ought to look to my own behaviour. I said I was asked not to speak to them as I was pregnant and respected that and his response was that I should have handled it differently. Brother asked what my issue was as they speak to the rest of the family, it’s just me. SIL has spent time with other friends and family with children.

I suspect SIL just doesn’t like me, she is quite competitive and liked me several years ago when I was establishing my career etc but now I’ve not caught her up so to speak and I think me getting pregnant first was the nail on the head.

She doesn’t acknowledge DD, although bought nice presents for Christmas. She still blanks us both.

Family very involved in their own pregnancy.

I’m sick of it now, I feel shunned in my parents house and incredibly anxious around them.

I know IVF must be awful and have supported friends and family through IVF and miscarriages but feel now I’ve been excluded purely owing to my ability to get pregnant.

I said to DH I think I’m done with it, it’s been 16 months and I can’t keep creeping around pretending DD doesn’t exist. I was always close to my brother growing up but we’ve not spoken since my pregnancy.

Ignore it all and just get on with your life. As you say you can’t just go around pretending your daughter doesn’t exist forever! She’s perfectly entitled to have felt like she couldn’t be around you at the time, but she is now using that as some sort of excuse to blame you for how they are still behaving. You did what they asked, you kept your distance. If that isn’t what they wanted you to do then that’s on them, not you. Ignore whatever argument it is that they are spoiling for and live your life. They are obviously going to cause drama where there is none.

Excellent post and excellent advice @Whatsername177

Thanks everyone.

@Bluetrews25 they’re already other GC on both sides.

Even DH says he thinks she just doesn’t like me. She has been civil to him the whole way through.

I think it's time for your DH to withdraw from participating in that civility. Why is he happy to talk to someone who blanks his wife for no good reason? Your SIL is getting no consequences for her bad behaviour and she is pregnant now so there's no reason to keep putting up with it.

How do family gatherings work? If you get cut out from anything your brother and SIL are going to, I would now speak more strongly to your parents to say you are unhappy at being punished when you did nothing wrong.

@Butterymuffin

Thanks. DH has absolutely supported me and told SIL she has upset me. But he has been civil and said pleasantries when paths have crossed. She has always engaged with him and side stepped me.

Mostly SIL does not attend gatherings and they see the family separately. This has been a source of upset to my parents who have always enjoyed having a close family. On a recent occasion, SIL was pretty bold and “confident” in addressing everyone to say hello. But didn’t acknowledge me or DD. I feel very much sidelined. I have gotten to a stage where I feel I can only speak if I’m spoken to. Which isn’t like me at all, I’m usually quite outspoken. I get quite anxious and feel protective of DD. At last event I wanted to cry and ask DH if we could leave.

“ It was very cruel for her to treat OP that way whilst she was going through becoming a mother for the first time- maybe having a bit of cruel back will make her think in future! ”

Actually @WorldsOnFire that’s not how that works. If op resorts to spiteful disgusting remarks and/or emotional blackmail then all it does is confirm in the mind of the sil, the brother and the wider family that she is a bitch who deserves to be given a wide berth. The unacceptable thing she never did will be eclipsed by the unacceptable thing she actually did and the family will probably never heal from it.

Op it must be so hurtful. I would just act normally polite with them: big smiles, warm hellos etc, join in the conversation, show everyone that you are behaving politely and normally, force her into the position where if she wants to blank you then she has to go out of her way to do so showing it is definitely her choice to be rude.

If your DH exchanges pleasantries with SIL, maybe he should ask her what her problem is with you?

@MadameButterface

I actually agree with you fully. Just touched a nerve and made me very angry for OP.
Always feels like women who behave like SIL come out of every situation better and with the upper hand, whilst women like the OP are shunned.

Why do you continue to dance to their tune? Standing on the sidelines being ignored and close to crying. Just because they are family doesn’t mean you need to put up with this crap.
Enough is enough and when you put a stop to this you will feel so much better. Yes choosing to walk away from family hurts but do you think it will hurt more than this? No it won’t .
It will give you freedom, especially as you have done nothing wrong

@Properfatty

I suppose that’s the point of the thread. Am I now reasonable to say enough is enough and just stop seeing them or making an effort.

Oh for sure it is equal parts true and annoying that families always tiptoe round the most difficult unreasonable member and everyone else has to bend over backwards accommodating whichever person it is that hasn’t grown out of sulking or tantrums. And the temptation to throw a sulk or tantrum of one’s own becomes almost unbearable! But there’s no excuse for throwing someone’s fertility issues in their face, ever, ever, ever. And threatening to withhold access to op’s child would only punish op’s mum. And if op’s parents did say ‘no sod off yr not welcome until you can be less rude’ to the sil and the dbro then sil would have won, she’d be like ‘see, your family are awful and they HATE ME’ and their baby would be deprived of a relationship with its only vaguely normal relatives.

It is hard to take the high road but it’s the only thing to do. And if you do it for long enough and consistently enough then the only choices for sil are either to capitulate or carry on making herself look like a right twat.

Personally I'd be meeting with my brother and ideally parents & laying it out. Everyone is civil or you won't subject yourself and your daughter to this. How they 'make' your SIL civil is up to them. They obviously can't exactly make her but really your parents shouldn't tolerate you feeling bullied in their house. If they all feel you have something to apologise for they need to say.

As an adult this is very upsetting for you but it is potentially damaging to your DC. Don't let anyone make them feel 'less than' others. Don't let anyone make it okay to be rude to them just because of who they are.

Your SIL's actions are horrible but the people surrounding your DC who enable her actions aren't actually a whole heap better.

Go into the conversation with a minimum - your minimum - mine would be a polite hello to me and engagement with my DC.

Otherwise it would be seeing SIL. Unless your parents / brother can explain more your expectations should be that she is the uninvited one.

If you are happy your brother and his children can have a separate relationship with you.

Bloody hell. Your sil is a complete cow and your brother is a wimp. If my h told me to stop speaking to my sister because she was on I’d tell him no in no uncertain terms!

Your dc will pick up on this bizarreness soon. I’d be tempted to meet at your parents’, the six of you, and hash it all out. Ask sil why she’s ignoring you - and in your parents’ house! - while she talks to your dh. Rudely beyond compare! Ask your brother what you did wrong. Tell your parents that you want all this out in the open now before it starts to damage your dc.see what happens. It should show sil and b that you’re not to be pushed around and treated like shit.

They sound awful, op, and I’m sorry.

“ Am I now reasonable to say enough is enough and just stop seeing them or making an effort.”

Definitely not. Just be surface-pleasant when you absolutely cannot avoid seeing them. If she continues to be rude you can either ignore it if you feel up to that, or you could actually just let it show how hurt you are and excuse yourself, take your dd and leave, still politely of course but if there are tears in your eyes and it’s obvious why the gathering has been spoilt, it’s not on you and it’s not you who’ll look like the prize cunt is it? I’m not saying go round milking it or be dramatic, it’s just about responding however you feel able to.

@MadameButterface

It is hard to take the high road but it’s the only thing to do. And if you do it for long enough and consistently enough then the only choices for sil are either to capitulate or carry on making herself look like a right twat

Whilst I agree with everything else this ^ is certainly not what happened to my DM. She has taken the high road for 25+ years and is still made to feel crap by my aunt. We gradually distanced ourselves whilst Aunt seemed to just establish to the whole family that she was right!

That’s a big part of the reason I think OP should stand up for herself!

I’ve learned the hard way that family can act like complete cunts. Far better to exorcise them from your life. It’s their decision, not yours. You must do what you need to do to make this easier for you, not them. You owe them nothing.

No one is ever unreasonable for walking away from toxic family members. It’s self preservation.

In these situations I always think you should ask yourself what you want the ultimate outcome to be.

Do you want to have a friendship with her? (Probably not!) Would you be happy to just get along at family gatherings so they're not awkward? Do you just want to repair your relationship with your brother? Or would you be most happy to never speak to the pair of then again? Family is in some way with you forever. That doesnt mean you have to get on but you have to cope with your decisions. If they make you really unhappy and aren't likely to change once out of their fertility, pregnancy bubble yanbu.

Take back your place in the family unit OP... stop letting this bitch make you feel uncomfortable in your own family unit... Stand your ground Lady.. do not be sidelined again...

I hate this kind of behaviour. It is so selfish. I had this from the person I thought was my closest friend when I had DD. She had a miscarriage and for some reason I became the object of her hatred.

But once she’d had her first child she just expected us to go back to being friends again. Just like that.

I’m not sure I can ever forgive the things she said and did in spiteful jealousy.

It is easy enough to say ‘have it out with her’ but more difficult to do.

OP- I would write a very honest letter to your brother that outlines exactly how you feel about the situation and how it is affecting you and DD. He has probably struggle too and in these circumstances couple can become quite a closed unit and not really see what is going on outside their worry bubble (before anyone jumps on me, I am speaking from experience as someone who has secondary infertility after miscarriage and is about to start IVF).

Am I now reasonable to say enough is enough and just stop seeing them or making an effort

Of course it’s reasonable. And it might bring your brother to his senses.

Whilst I agree with everything else this is certainly not what happened to my DM. She has taken the high road for 25+ years and is still made to feel crap by my aunt. We gradually distanced ourselves whilst Aunt seemed to just establish to the whole family that she was right!^

Yes. An old friend of mine’s SIL ignored her from the time she married DB and she’s ignored her for the last 30 years. Won’t be in the same room as her.

The answer is not to go into peace-keeper people-pleaser mode.

Right OP so from what I've read, DB yold you DSIL would find it difficult being around you when you were pregnant. Which is totally valid when struggling with infertility.

So instead of accepting that and the reasons why, and carrying on as normal regardless of that, you saw your arse and cut them off and went NC?

But now you want them to fawn over your 10m old DD, your DB and SIL sending her lovely Christmas gifts isn't enough, and DSIL is jealous of you having "caught up" to her in your career?

Seriously

I think enough is enough. Your SIL is now pregnant, all is good presumably. I wouldn't bother anymore. They have treated you badly without telling you why, you were prepared to excuse this due to their situation with IVF but still they are nasty to you.

I wouldn't bring your parents into it at all, they can do nothing or they could also be cut off by your DB and SIL.

She’s been ridiculous, and honestly if it was me I would no longer hide away or feel misplaced at family events - certainly don’t hide away! Just accept it’s her issue (whatever it is) and not yours, live your life and carry on as if whatever you do it won’t change. Keep your head up, smile, don’t hide your lovely wee girl away and be confident around your family - they know by the sounds if it that it’s her problem.