To be unable to come to terms with how ugly I am?

[NotNowNoreen]

I'm in my 5th decade. I'm ugly. Truly. I go through phases of trying with nice clothes etc, and I do feel a bit better.. But ultimately I'm eventually confronted with how fundamentally physically horrible I am. And I can't change that. But I still can't come to terms with it either.

Does anyone else feel the same?

I have just thought of all my friends and family and can't think of any I would call ugly

Nor me. But thats not the point. If they feel it inside then it affects them-regardless of whether you think they are objectively "ugly". How we feel about ourselves is the most important thing and the only person who can change that is us. Thats why CBT is so helpful- for changing negative thinking patterns which in turn, affects our mood.

Yes, I feel the same. I’m repulsed at my reflection, I hate photos of myself, not that there is many, as I try & avoid at all costs.

I was bulled at school, partly for how I looked, so I guess it didn’t help on how I perceive myself now & have done for most of my adult life. I’ve ALWAYS wished I could look like someone else.

I don’t feel angry or bitter. At 47 it’s just something I accept, I can’t really do much about it after all. I do wonder sometimes what it would be like to be my sil who is just stunningly pretty & very photogenic, to wake up in the mornings, knowing you’re good looking. Her confidence is sky high, so yes I do envy her and she’s a good friend too.

No-one knows that I feel like this, not even DH, he knows I don’t like having my photos taken but he doesn’t know how I really feel about my looks. It’s not something I really dwell on everyday, like I said, not much I can do about it.

Honest question...what makes you believe you are entitled to beauty?

I don't think I an entitled to beauty. It doesn't even particularly bother me anymore that I am ugly. It is just a fact, nothing to get particularly emotional about.

Everyone ends up ugly. Especially those who think they can cheat gravity with plastic surgery.

For me, I wouldnt be overly bothered about my (lack of) looks, if I didnt get horrible comments from people about them - for me this is the worst aspect of being unattractive

Disappointed - because I've received comments all my life. Still receiving comments

I have a great life

YOU (any person) Will NOT bring me down !

Blimey, @kittyland, that has to be the most vacuous, patronising twaddle I have ever read on here... And posted from an “ex stunner” to someone expressing distress with her appearance:

“Not being beautiful releases you from many frustrations, funny as it may sound. Yes, you do get a free pass often when you're beautiful, but it's mainly just a distraction for you and for other people. You on the other hand are free to live your most genuine and meaningful life. Relationships and friendships might be fewer, but will mostly be sincere and you will be loved for you. Not being beautiful or even being "ugly" will quickly get rid of the dead weight such as insencere and shallow people. You get to value quality over quantity.

Just live your best life, do things that make you happy, be kind - to others and to yourself.

Perhaps the best accesory would be a smile on your face.”

JFC!!

Sure, I totally agree that it is of supreme importance to not internalise the nasty comments of others, and really believe that it says so much more about them etc. BUT imagine facing such comments frequently and publically (eg in front of your friends) - imagine what that regularity feels like. It's a stark reminder of ones "ugliness" (I hate that word, but you know what I mean) and how one is viewed by others.

What I am trying to say, not very clearly, is that I dont think I am particularly bothered per se about my appearance, but it seems that others really are!

This is such a sad thread

@cantfindname you sound like an absolutely lovely person. I'm so sorry about your dp.

Really sad reading this. I'm sure you'll find someone who loves you for you and then you've got little to worry about.

Its 100% possible to find someone who loves you for you. I have an amazing partner, who ironically is also very attractive physically. He just isnt shallow :)

I am watching Bridget Jones' diary now. She is supposed to be fat. She weighs 163lb... Seriously :D
I used to be ok looking but put on a lot of weight after having DC. I am quite horrified at my looks most days but then some days - I think I am ok.
But in photos - Jesus Christ - and that is how other people see me - awful, just awful...
It all doesn't matter unless you are trying to catch someone's eye. Then looking like shit really gets to me and I feel so ridiculous and ugly.

Beauty fades. Even the most beautiful lose their looks...focus on what is in the inside. And you could try to improve on what is on the outside too. An attractive person can lose their looks if they don’t take care of themselves. For example, I’ve just had my third dc and if I just let my body go and not eat right or exercise eventually (waiting until 6-8 weeks when body has healed) then my body would not bounce back and it would not be attractive as it was before. I would have wobbly bits and yes my boobs are ruined from breastfeeding 3 dc and my body isn’t as nice as it was pre children, but that is life. Nothing stays perfect. Make changes to better your appearance such as diet and exercise. Take care of your teeth etc. Most important is diet and exercise. Once you do that you will start to feel better.

.
We have different faces ect. But if we are beautiful inside and always be kind and never evil
Then we are never ugly.
Only evil wicked people are ugly. X

Sorry, my post should read - Bridget Jone's weighs 136 lb not 163 :)

There's so much to unpack about the whole beautiful/ugly thing.
People, and especially women, are constantly hammered with the message 'you are what you look like'. It is relentless, and stepping outside it is really, really hard.

I like a very different quote about looks:
"It's always tempting to impute
Unlikely virtues to the cute"
PJ O'Rourke

We're all brought up from very small that good looks equal good character; the whole concept is embedded in Western culture, for hundreds of years. It's also complete bullshit.

I'm ugly but with an excessive amount of primping I can look very attractive which is why I'm largely exhausted and am bad with money. it's a rubbish situation

Thanks for everyone who tried to understand. I appreciate it.

Wouldn't you rather be rich than beautiful?

I know I would. I'm no beauty myself, but having money is much more freeing than being some kind of ornament for others to admire. Dont you think?

It’s really hard being ugly, especially when you are younger. There are laws preventing discrimination on the grounds of race etc. but it’s a free for all when it comes to being nasty to people or ignoring or discounting them because of their looks. YANBU, OP.

I haven't read all of this thread because I don't need to.

Yes indeed. What could someone like you ever have to learn from the rest of us?