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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To be unable to come to terms with how ugly I am?

168 replies

NotNowNoreen · 01/01/2020 16:53

I'm in my 5th decade. I'm ugly. Truly. I go through phases of trying with nice clothes etc, and I do feel a bit better.. But ultimately I'm eventually confronted with how fundamentally physically horrible I am. And I can't change that. But I still can't come to terms with it either.

Does anyone else feel the same?

OP posts:
RunningAwaywiththeCircus · 01/01/2020 17:34

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millimollimandi · 01/01/2020 17:36

I think you will find that as you age people care less what you look like. I am in my 60s and I was a stunner in my 30s - now I am fat, hairy and have nothing really going for me except my personality - and being post menopause that isn't any great shakes either! However my family love me and that is all that matters - I have well and truly ceased giving a fuck about anyone else. "normal" people do not age well, they just make the most of what they have, or don't and don't care. I am the latter, clean, tidy and presentable but don't give a damn. If you are really worried - go to the hairdressers and get some advice, and hold your head up, oh and SMILE!!

AmIthechristmasfairy · 01/01/2020 17:37

I hear you OP

The bollocks about inner beauty is unhelpful, although JesusMaryandJosepheen makes some good points about bitterness

I do feel resentful and bitter and it is an uphill battle, but I have reached an age where I am invisible anyway, so no one cares

cantfindname · 01/01/2020 17:38

I am unbelievably ugly lol Mirrors crack before I get close to save themselves pain [big grin] [big grin]

I am also in my and for the first time I am alone, purely through choice.

I have always had boyfriends/partner/lovers, husband etc

I once asked my last wonderful DP why this was. (He died very suddenly 18 months ago) He said it was because I am quiet and gentle always with a smile and a kind word for people and more interested in other people that I am in myself could be because I am a nosey bugger

Cornettoninja · 01/01/2020 17:39

There aren’t many people who are truly distasteful to look at - chances are you’re completely ordinary and lacking in confidence. That’s not particularly helpful but I bet it’s true.

I’m quite lazy (and a little bit defiant) so don’t make as much effort to be groomed as I should but truthfully when I do make the effort I do feel better in general.

Ohyesiam · 01/01/2020 17:41

It's certainly true that beautiful people get an easier ride

My closest friend is world class beautiful. She has cheekbones that could be sculpted, and everything else to go with it. When I walk down the street with her about 70% of people turn to follower her with their eyes. She first wear makeup generally, and is a skint single mum well gets her clothes from charity stops. When she puts them on they look stunning on her even unironed.

Men flock after her, but nobody
“ sees “ her, they just project their fantasy woman onto her, then get really disillusioned when she is not like they decided she is.
She certainly is never short of attention, but she really fears ever being loved.
She definitely doesn’t get an easier ride.

Multigloves · 01/01/2020 17:46

I'm in the same boat. I am very ugly. I also have resting grumpy face. I caught my reflection in a window recently when I was in a perfectly calm mood and I looked like I was chewing a wasp.

It is hard because people do judge you for it and leave you isolated up to a point. I also sometimes feel wistful for the life of being wanted by men that I never really got to experience.

I take the philosophical approach to it all now, and I count my blessings. I've been lucky enough to enjoy other things in my life so I focus on those. I also reflect on the fact that being beautiful or at least not ugly wouldn't necessarily have made me happier, as I know good looking people who sadly are not happy.

I'm trying to enjoy the benefits of it. This year I'm focusing on dressing for me, not for some standard that I'm trying to live up to.

Supersimkin2 · 01/01/2020 17:48

IRL it only matters as much as you let it matter. Well, to an extent - the few people at the extreme of beauty will always seem to do ok, and have more chances than the rest of us with sex. Most people scrub up lovely, anyway - a lot of it is about effort.

Being beautiful has the fucking awful downside; it stops. It really, really goes - I worked with a therapist who treated rich Londoners and the misery of losing their looks was crippling to some women (and their husbands, who had been very proud of them).

Bodyposiftw · 01/01/2020 17:49

I have no idea what you look like but very few people are completely ugly. I have met two such people in 40 years , and the first one I actually dated for a couple of years.
Many people I know are plain, not particularly attractive, and most of them have something I'd love to have. Intellect, energy, humour, talent..
I am no beauty , mind you, but I know I am okay looking ( if I dress well and put makeup on though)

Lllot5 · 01/01/2020 17:51

@Ohyesiam
I’d swap with her.
I used to be ok looking a good flirt. But now I’m 56 I’ve just disappeared.
Spent a lot of my life being overweight, I have literally lost sleep over that but now I don’t care .... much.
Just have to put up with it.

ElizabethMountbatten · 01/01/2020 17:52

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Redannie118 · 01/01/2020 17:52

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The OP has privacy concerns, and so we've agreed to take this down now.

Nannewnannew · 01/01/2020 17:53

Oh dear OP, I really know how you feel. My face is plain but I’m very short with penguin legs and I don’t care what anybody says-it sucks.
People look down on short people, literally and metaphorically, and I hate it. My body is long in comparison to my legs and it doesn’t matter what I do or wear, it will never change.
So, I’m sorry OP because I have no helpful suggestions but just wanted to show empathy. 😥

flyingspaghettimonster · 01/01/2020 17:56

I think there is something quite liberating in realising you will never be beautiful. Since I accepted I am not destined to won people over with my looks, I realised there is no need to make an effort to conform. I onoy wear make up if I feel like it, I rarely remember to dye my hair and I dress for comfort and my own tastes rather than fashion. It makes me feel more true to myself and less worried what others think.

Yesterday I made somewhat of an effort and wore a red velvet dress I bought for xmas. A teenaged guest told me it looked like curtains. I just laughed and told her to call me Scarlett, because frankly my dear I don't give a damn. Teenager didn't get the reference but whatever. I was perfectly happy in my curtain dress.

Be yourself. Anyone judging you on your appearance just isn't worth your time. If anything it lets you weed out the shallow people and prevents you wasting time getting to know them.

SantaHatHotTub · 01/01/2020 17:56

I know exactly what you mean @NotNowNoreen. It can be soul destroying. My own DP effectively called me ugly last year and I’ve been for counselling due to this. I was spending lots of time filled with self loathing and thinking horrible things about myself. I really get what you mean and feel for you.

Something which has really helped me is whenever I feel down about how ugly I am, I think of at least two nice things about myself. This really seems to have made a difference.

I bet you’re not even a fraction as bad as you think you are. We are often our own worst critics. Flowers

HuggedTrees · 01/01/2020 17:56

Nome of us can help the way we look. Apart from weight and hair dye, unless we are having serious and dangerous surgery we cannot change the physical shape we were born with.
Anyone being congratulated on Instagram for being beautiful is actually being congratulated on their parents timing if their orgasm during sex and that particular sperm meeting that months egg. Just like intelligence, it’s there or it isn’t and you can work on yourself but you can only go with the basics you have.
Maybe in the future people will be less look obsessed.

PolloDePrimavera · 01/01/2020 17:56

This thread is so sad! I'm not sure what to say but telling yourselves this is the worst idea...
Fundamentally, people are only interested in themselves and so many people have so many hang ups: you can see women fiddling with their clothes, their hair etc because they're basically not comfortable.
I don't know if you want practical advice but think about colours which suit your skin tone, same for hair colour. Do some exercise: yes you might lose weight and feel toned and that alone will give you confidence but of course, exercise itself improves mood.

RunningAwaywiththeCircus · 01/01/2020 17:59

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ViciousJackdaw · 01/01/2020 17:59

There aren’t many people who are truly distasteful to look at

Absolutely. The only people who are repulsive to look at are the likes of Johnson, Trump and Hopkins. None of them have grotesque features but are horrendous to look at because of who they are.

Horehound · 01/01/2020 18:02

If you look at celebs when they were younger or without makeup a lot of them are ugly or plain.
There are things which can be done. If you are super and "heartsore" would you consider making changes? Botox, teeth done etc
Like I know people maybe touchy that I suggest it, but if you're miserable maybe it's worth a shot?

Horehound · 01/01/2020 18:03

Hmm can't remember what i wrote but it wasn't"super". Maybe sad. Stupid autocorrect

Strategicchoring · 01/01/2020 18:03

Sorry you are feeling low op. I'm in my fifth decade too and tbh, not many of us look better at this age! An exceptional few perhaps. What do you think is stopping you coming to terms with this? (Genuine question; not being snippy.)

People are saying the "inner beauty" stuff is crap but it really isnt imho. Character is far more important than looks. As they say, beauty fades; dumb lasts forever! Xmas Wink

And call me old-fashioned, and I don't mean this at all unkindly, but if we are in possession of two eyes, two ears, and four limbs that all function, and a body that works reasonably well, then we can count ourselves very lucky indeed.

Other than eating well and exercising well, we can't really change our looks. So maybe you could be kind to yourself, write down how you feel, acknowledge it as you are doing on this thread, then put those notes away somewhere safe, and resolve to focus on other things that you can change for a year? Then in a year's time, read the notes again and see how you feel? Hopefully, with some serious effort, you will feel very differently indeed.

Barracker · 01/01/2020 18:04

It doesn't matter.
It really doesn't.
Even if you are objectively right about yourself, and you are whatever you think of as 'ugly'. Even if that were true.
It doesn't matter.

Striving or yearning for physical beauty is just so destructive. We waste the best years of our lives punishing ourselves for something of such little consequence.

One day we'll all be dead, and how wonky our noses looked will not have been worth the misery we endured in our lives obsessing over it.

Learn to love yourself, warts and all. Learn to be at peace with the one body you have that is your home for the one life you live.

We get one body, one face. Don't spend the time you have hating it for not being something it isn't. It's you, it's yours.

Be as kind to yourself as you would be to someone you love.

CatteStreet · 01/01/2020 18:04

What does 'ugly' (to adopt a hated-on-MN phrase) even mean? I don't look at people and think 'how ugly!' Buildings, yes, clothes, yes, but not people. Of course there are people who are more or less attractive to look at. But most people, thank God, are 'no oil painting'. There is something genuinely ugly, in fact, in the obsessive worship of good looks.

RunningAwaywiththeCircus · 01/01/2020 18:04

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