To be unable to come to terms with how ugly I am?

[NotNowNoreen]

I'm in my 5th decade. I'm ugly. Truly. I go through phases of trying with nice clothes etc, and I do feel a bit better.. But ultimately I'm eventually confronted with how fundamentally physically horrible I am. And I can't change that. But I still can't come to terms with it either.

Does anyone else feel the same?

At some point, I would hope most people say 'fuck it, this is me, if you don't like it, tough, my self worth isn't dependent on your approval of my appearance.

I am at this point but am still ugly!

I can honestly say the only people I have ever considered ugly have been based 100% on their horrible, evil or mean actions. Never seen someone and considered them ugly based on appearance alone. You're not ugly OP, you may not be a supermodel but who gives a rats behind? Beauty comes from within

@scarbados there’s a mum at my dcs school with facial paralysis (not you as much younger, early 30s?). I’ve never once thought of her as “ugly”. Yes one side of her face is dropped but that’s just what it is, she’s not ugly, there’s nothing repulsive about it. I’m not minimising that it must be hard to live with but she’s not ugly and I’m sure you’re not either.

@Celebritydave what is horse face?

I hear you OP....I avoid mirrors...photos can only be at certain angles if I have to be in one. Only 3 men have been openly interested in me in my entire adult life and I've been married to one of the 33 years. I had 1 boyfriend before the age of 19.
I was a plain child, ugly teenager...no turning into a swan here lol
Pudgy round face, multiple chins...one eye looks slightly to one side (partial sight in eye) so glasses don't sit right...5ft3" 10 stone...rolls of ugly blubber...

I have had fits of trying to 'improve' myself....it was too much like hard work! I also feel like a clown if I wear makeup...uncomfortable and false.
My biggest bugbear, I can't find jeans that fit right...clothes never hang nicely on me.

@JesusMaryAndJosepheen my best friend has experienced immense trauma, is frankly fucked up(so am I) and absolutely loathes herself sometimes. She ranges from adorable (quite short and very young looking) to fucking hot.

Get over yourself and your patronising psycho babble.

Yes unloved and abused children, bullied people,traumatised people should just stop being bitter or maybe less traumatised to look less ugly.

I work with kids , some of them unloved,abused or traumatised. Their hardness or vulnerability or suspicion has nothing to do with their looks.

@JesusMaryAndJosepheen I do see what you mean, but not convinced about your last point as there is so much more expectation that women are attractive, compared to men

On the night I met my sister-in-law-to-be she asked me to be a bridesmaid along with her two sisters - she was/still is a lovely, skinny, five foot nothing goth, her sisters were pretty much the same. She was only asking to be traditional, I turned her down rather than wreck her wedding photos as a five foot eleven Amazonian with a very unfortunate face...
Kudos to the PP who could do this!

This thread made me think of this quote.

I feel your pain, I was told plenty of times at school that I was ugly (I am now 44), and even by ex-boyfriends, not ugly exactly but you're not the most attractive girl but ….. Also I got obsessed with food and dieting cause of having a weight obsessed Mum and inherited an eye problem from my Dad that he gave me a massive hang up abouI t. Had surgery which didn't work now unfixable. But, I deal with all of this by making the best of myself, I dye my off blonde hair various funky colours, purple at the moment. I also like bright eye make up and coloured lipsticks. I love clothes and fashion. I am average size (12) would love to be smaller, that is something I need to get my head round, but wear clothes that make the best of my figure. I have a big bum and fat legs at the top, but they are slim at the bottom so short A-line skirts and dresses work, just one example. I am fair skinned which I hate, but have in recent years managed to get a slight colour. My Sister asked me if I had thought about trying the natural look, she is similar colouring to me, without the eye problem and is far happier with herself, although she is trying to lose weight. I was honest and told her that I am horrible naturally, but I am glad there is an alternative. Sorry for the essay, I suppose its about branding yourself and I will never be pretty, but I can be funky and I do get compliments on my hair and clothes. Also think that wearing nice underwear helps, Ann Summers sales are great.

Sounds like low self esteem. I hope you're keeping healthy (diet/exercise)?

@JesusMaryAndJosepheen - what a patronising load of rubbish! I didn't get bitter. I had a good career. I still have a fulfilling life and a husband who loves me very much.

I eat healthily. I have good skin - better than most women of my age. I take care of my hair and dress well - not expensively, but well.

None of that stops me looking in the mirror and knowing that what I see is fucking ugly.

JesusMaryAndJosepheen - I don't feel entitled to beauty. I do however think it would have been nice to have a face that doesn't get pointed at in the street, or stared at by children. Most people don't get left out of group photos - I do.

:Honest question...what makes you believe you are entitled to beauty?:

No one feel entitled to beauty, it's unfortunate to be the opposite!

I'm not good-looking as I have a broad nose. Too scared for surgery. I am slim and wear good clothes but it doesn't help my face.

I truly feel that if I was better looking my life would be so much better. I would have better friendships, a more successful career and not feel so invisible.

I totally feel your pain, OP, I get you.

I have had CBT which helped but I still have bad days.

The key is to have the 'I don't give a xxxx' attitude !

Spend time with friends & family who care for you
Do hobbies, sport, things that YOU enjoy
Eat well exercise, enjoy good health
Love yourself
Live your life with love, laughter

Life is far too short to be miserable

Someone recently made a comment about my appearance. I was disappointed. But I just thought, I know that I am a good person and I just don't care (it's something physical that I can't change)

Raging against them is rather pointless

I agree with this. We all feel sorry for ourselves sometimes but constantly focusing on it is not really productive or beneficial.

Make the most of what you have. Thats all any of us can do-none of us are perfect. There are only like, 20 women in the world who look like supermodels and billions who dont. Comparison is the thief of joy. We can always find someone better off than us and we can always find someone worse off than us. Focus on the positive aspects of life. I'm not saying this is easy, but sinking into a spiral of self hatred isn't helping either and it will just make you feel worse and worse.

You know what OP, you don't owe it to anyone to be beautiful. We don't all have to be models. I know the thought of men lusting after you seems appealing, but in reality it brings different problems. And don't expect that being beautiful, intelligent and talented is a guarantee that a man will love you. That was a soul destroying realization for me. I'm talking from experience, being an ex stunner ageing badly - and not being that bothered by it. Thankfully I built my confidence on things other than looks.
Not being beautiful releases you from many frustrations, funny as it may sound. Yes, you do get a free pass often when you're beautiful, but it's mainly just a distraction for you and for other people. You on the other hand are free to live your most genuine and meaningful life. Relationships and friendships might be fewer, but will mostly be sincere and you will be loved for you. Not being beautiful or even being "ugly" will quickly get rid of the dead weight such as insencere and shallow people. You get to value quality over quantity.
Just live your best life, do things that make you happy, be kind - to others and to yourself. Volunteer for a charity (I find this very important for a happy life) and appreciate the fact you hopefully have many more years ahead of you. Feeling down about not being conventionally attractive would be such a waste of time. And I don't think middle aged people are being judged on their looks as much, honestly. I find that being clean, with a nice haircut and smelling good goes a long way, even sans make-up. Perhaps the best accesory would be a smile on your face.
Being beautiful or even moderatly attractive would not make you more happy. It would make more people notice you and look at you, but that's about it.

Im going to add that I live my life to the MAX !

Fundamentally though I still hate what I see in the mirror.
many people do, some you would find beautiful.

That's why some spend fortunes on plastic surgery - which doesn't really help when it's for the wrong reasons, or some wear shit loads of make up like a mask, or go to extreme with tatoos, piercings, extreme hair style. Some people chose a style because they simply like it, others to hide their "natural" face.

what makes you believe you are entitled to beauty?
because .. you are? We have the luxury of access to so many procedures, even surgical, make up, hair, teeth. You should have other interests but nothing wrong with fixing that really upset you. Life is too short.

Think about the people around you; friends, acquaintances, colleagues, family, staff at your local shop etc. When you're with them, do you just think about their looks, hairstyles etc? Probably not. I know I think about what lovely people they are or how nasty or arrogant they come across, how kind they are to me and others or how mean or rude they are, how welcoming or not they are, how easy they are to chat to etc. If I'm thinking like this, I'm sure everyone else is, too. They're most probably not thinking about my teeny tiny eyes, saggy jowls, barely there eyebrows, spare tyre round my middle etc. There will be the odd shallow person who does judge me based on what I look like, but they are the ones with issues.

I have loads of things I dislike about my appearance, but I know I'm not a bad person. In the end, which is more important?

This thread makes me so sad.

I have just thought of all my friends and family and can't think of any I would call ugly.

I swear of everyone I know, I really don't know any ugly people.

Does of the people who feel they are ugly, is this just your opinion? What/who are you measuring yourself against?

This is one of the saddest threads I've read.