To be unable to come to terms with how ugly I am?

[NotNowNoreen]

I'm in my 5th decade. I'm ugly. Truly. I go through phases of trying with nice clothes etc, and I do feel a bit better.. But ultimately I'm eventually confronted with how fundamentally physically horrible I am. And I can't change that. But I still can't come to terms with it either.

Does anyone else feel the same?

I'm not sure about the 'beauty on the inside' stuff but do think that people who are likeable and kind...that does shone through, as a PP mentioned friend's faces light up when they see them...I know people who are very good looking in terms of face structure, looks, who are very unhappy and not very nice and that can show through also.

clevererthanyou, "I hear you op. I unfortunately look like my older brother, like we could be twins. Unfortunately he looks like an alcoholic circus clown 🤡", and BournvilleGreen, "I look like my father in a wig" - Thanks for giving me the giggles after a horrible last couple of months.

NotNowNoreen - Up until I was in my forties I knew I was attractive to men. Once I reached 50 my looks had no effect on anybody. I'd look in the mirror and see this horrible, unattractive, ignorable, human being. It was almost like overnight I'd gone from one physical version of myself to another.

Ten years later I realise that a lot of the dislike I had for my changing looks was because I was going through the menopause which had an effect on my hair, skin etc. It took me several years to accept I was no longer physically the version of myself I took for granted. Now I'm so glad that I don't have to even attempt to compete with attractive people, because youth would always be involved and I'm getting old. Now I will include 'alcoholic circus clown' and 'father in a wig' in my repertoire. I still put a lot of thought into my clothes, make-up etc, but there's nothing better than a handsome greyhound walking beside you for making you look good :-))

flyingspaghettimonster I agree, it is very liberating, costs less, and when you do feel like making the effort people actually notice!

I am not going to come on here and tell all the people who think they are plain or ugly that they aren't- perhaps they are. But if you walk about any town or city centre, and look at the people, unless you are in a posh part of London or LA, most people are quite plain or ugly. The amount of beautiful people, truly beautiful people, is really quite small. You will also notice that many of these plain, ugly or overweight or otherwise imperfect people are walking with their partners, their kids, they are having meals out, going abroad, working in good jobs and so on. They are not all hiding indoors-and rightly so, you do not have to be amazing looking to live a happy interesting and worthwhile life because millions do have these lives, even whilst being not the best looking.

There's also a category of people, into which I definitely fall, which is 'people who make an effort'. You can decide if you can be bothered to be in this category, with chosen clothes, make-up or just being clean and tidy. That's your choice and you don't have to be beautiful to be in it. People do appreciate people who 'make an effort' even if they don't want to bother themselves. If you don't want to bother, don't, but you can't say you can't be in this category because anyone can.

I agree that society treats people who are beautiful differently, but there's not so many of those- if you 'make an effort' you can achieve pretty much the same effect, that's my approach anyway.

So?
So what?
I'm no beauty! I scrub up well. I put on a dress and some makeup and I dance the night away.
I make a good friend.

Isn't this more about a lack of self-confidence? what is really going on here op? what exactly is it that you're trying to say here?

@NotNowNoreen It’s awful you feel like this. I’m a strong believer in doing things for yourself rather than other people. My mood has improved massively with walking more and general exercise. You need to think about things and people that make you feel good. So many people just look average or quite plain. I’m sad you feel like this it’s awful xx

Yes I think people notice those who seem happy in their own skin, make an effort with nice colours / clothes and have a confident attitude, smiling etc

Holly willoughby has one eye higher than the other and is still very pretty . You do t have to be symmetrical to be attractive . Confidence is often enough .

Beauty isn't a virtue, it's an accident. It's terrible that less attractive people are treated worse than the more attractive ones, but they aren't better because of their beauty (which in any case almost always fades)

When my kids were little and I was reading them fairytales it struck me what an awful message they send out. Eg- beauty =good, ugly= bad, the innocent/good princesses are always young, beautiful and pure and the old women with disfigured faces are always "evil" and witches. Dont even get me started on disability as its portrayed in tales such as this as its not good.

OP- there are two types of attractiveness. The first is how you physically look (so, your body shape, facial features etc). Nothing can be done about this as its a genetic lottery as to what we are given.

The second type of attractiveness is "perceived attractiveness". This is something we DO have control over. We can make the absolute best of our features- drawing attention to the better parts and drawing attention away from the parts we are unhappy with. We can dress well, eat well, take care of ourselves and present ourselves in a good light. Our personality can shine through and illuminate our characters in a genuine and authentic way. We can be charismatic and interested in people and be loyal and caring. All of these things add up to what others see as our "perceived attractiveness" and perceived attractiveness is not about what we look like- its our entire package. I'm sure you've met incredibly attractive people who became instantly ugly when you realised they were shallow or mean. Equally- you must have met people who weren't classically gorgeous but due to their charisma, charm and gregariousness they became magnetic. This is what you work on- your perceived attractiveness. Also, try some positive affirmations and do them daily. You absolutely dont have to look like a supermodel in order to be perceived as "attractive".

I'm sure you are not ugly, just struggling with negative thoughts. Someone who is beautiful inside is never ugly.

Those kind of Roald Dahl quotes don't stand up to scrutiny. But then they are from children's fiction. The one from the BFG about how humans are the only species to kill their own kind still gets trotted out, and it's very untrue.

I do think it's true though that - especially as you get older - you become less superficial and value personality and shared values more than looks. I was a pretty enough girl when I was younger but I was horribly neurotic and could only see faults. In others too. Four stone and two decades later I no longer have men trying to chat me up when I'm out - which is not a bad thing - but I'm also at ease with myself and with other people.

If you really can't come to terms with not being conventionally attractive (which you may well be, most women are their own harshest critics) then invest time and money in improving your appearance. Talk to personal shoppers, hair stylists, aim for whatever aesthetic you like. You can always make improvements. If you really feel the need you could look into having surgery. If it will make you happy, why not?

I’m posting to suggest reading the very interesting October 2019 thread on this but @Kitkatforchristmasdinner beat me to it.

that's the thing, you CAN change a lot. You dislike your face, not much you can do about it, but you can change your body, your hair, your clothes.

The beautiful on the inside is utter bollocks, but I bet people around you don't find you as ugly as you think you are. If you don't like being fat, that you can change.

Here’s the link to the October 2010 thread:

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/style_and_beauty/3712044-Whats-it-like-to-be-Ugly?pg=1&order=

Just watching Miranda on TV, laughing at her photos growing up...she doesn't care she is gangly and not very pretty looking or whatever, in fact uses it to her advantage

I do think most people are actually quite plain but some people are well-groomed or have nice hair or wear lovely clothes and get away with it.

People in the public eye have a lot of cosmetic work to make themselves good looking.

I am very plain and ordinary (big nose, square jaw, high forehead) but when I divorced I grew my hair long, dyed it blonde and whitened my teeth and changed my look a lot. Fair enough, not everyone wants to do that. I can’t be arsed with make up and hair dye a lot of the time but it does make a massive difference.

Hmm what a sad thread start and to come onto this site and state what the OP did is not good to read.

None of us are going to announce we are head turners or blessed with beautiful skin and big sexy eyes/a stunning figure or glossy long hair etc etc but I bet some of us are just like that.

OP you say you are ugly and it is how you see yourself which matters, not how others do but if you truly believe you are (I hate the word) ugly then I wonder about your wellbeing.

I don't have much else to say just now except this, I know a lady aged 58 who is not at all attractive. Very much not attractive at all and not only that she is overweight and while she has hair that I envy she refuses to style it to flatter her face. Her choice so end of that.

When out with her I see others looking and sometimes they stare. She seems oblivious but who knows. Those people do not know her and can only see her face and figure. They could be judging purely on what she presents to the public. She does voluntary work and loves it. She has not been able to find a paid job for a long time and I hate to say this but suspect she is overlooked for others more attractive. Not fair but it happens.

I just avoid looking in mirrors and get on with life.

I remember when I was young, one girl in secondary was classically beautiful but with such an unattractive personality I honestly got no joy out of looking at her. Whereas a few years later I worked with a woman who was frankly ugly, but was so wonderful that within half an hour I started to see her as beautiful.

A pretty face makes our world a bit prettier, but a good heart, sense of humour and/or a lively intellect go a lot further in making the world beautiful.

You should though make sure you eat healthily and exercise, for the sake of your health, but you will probably find that your looks improve too.

It could be worse, you could be fat, ugly and friendless.

I'm almost 30 and I feel ugly. No one told me I am but this is how I feel. Extra pounds, bad skin, etc. Going to therapy and this has improved my self esteem a little bit, but still. This thread is so so so sad...

One thing I think about is that as we get older so do those women who prided themselves on how beautiful they look - & Oh, how hard they fight to look young & it doesn't work that well - So good haircut & decent shampoo after, simple neat clothes with tasteful accessories, in a colour that suites you - forget trying to look or comparing yourself with others. Do you have friends & family? There the only people you should concern yourself with -people who care about you. As I grow older I am more happy in my skin because we don't have to compete with others just be ourselves. I think the issue is more about how you feel rather than how you look -

Being ugly sucks. People look at you. People say things.

I reckon you're not as ugly as you think. I know plenty of people who might not be considered particularly attractive but are utterly lovely and that's all I see, not whether they're ugly or not. I love that quote above. (Think it was Roald Dahl?) So utterly true.

I know what you mean OP, I haven't been blessed with a pleasant face and I am very aware how people are perceived by their looks.

But I feel fantastic within myself, live pretty clothes and as my other half says.... I swish and swoosh and feel good in my self

I feel similarly awful about myself. I'm 41. In July I was diagnosed with MS. I also have severe eczema and alot on my plate at the moment. My kids and boyfriend have been taking photos of me in silly positions when I'm not looking and sharing them with each other. I should stress this isn't at all meant to be mean, it's supposed to be funny and it's bonding our 'blended' family, as in they would try and catch me pulling a silly face (which happens alot!) I'm not usually precious about looking daft but in some photos from today I look like a dug up corpse. I actually cried when I saw them. Family have all stopped doing the pics and were mortified they had upset me. But I've realised just how shocking I look when caught off guard and how I'd been kidding myself that I looked ok despite my issues. I'm utterly depressed at the state of myself and the fact I'll never look any better than I do now.
So no advice but definite empathy from me.