To be unable to come to terms with how ugly I am?

[NotNowNoreen]

I'm in my 5th decade. I'm ugly. Truly. I go through phases of trying with nice clothes etc, and I do feel a bit better.. But ultimately I'm eventually confronted with how fundamentally physically horrible I am. And I can't change that. But I still can't come to terms with it either.

Does anyone else feel the same?

Such patronising replies.

There seem to be two big camps here. "Beauty lies beneath" bullshitters who on the most part don't consider themselves unattractive and the "been there done that, I don't give a shit anymore" camp.

OP at the moment is neither and I bet completely dismissing her feelings and thoughts isn't helping improving her opinion of herself.

@

I wonder if those with a partner feel differently to those who are single

I often think if I'd been a little bit nice looking, I might have managed to find someone to love me

I have no answer, but I am exactly the same. I am ugly and I hate myself.

I have a dear friend who is sincerely beautiful and attractive and stylish. Her blonde hair is thick and curly. Her figure curvy but very slender. She is extremely aesthetic in everything, including clothing choices, and just can't help but look great.

She has a lot of very good friends, including me, because she is intelligent, thoughtful and an interesting and good person.

But her father was abusive to her as a child and in her therapy she's realised that she's always attracted to the bad guys. There are a lot of nasty men who are only interested in beautiful women and treat them very badly. She let a number of good men go because she couldn't get interested and struggles to be in a relationship.......she'd wanted children, but now it's probably too late to do it naturally.

I think she'd have been better off less beautiful and overwhelmingly better off if she'd had a decent family.

I know it's hard to believe but beauty doesn't necessarily bring a good life.

I, too, struggle with a lop-sided face, thin, flat hair, a large nose and a weight problem. Worst of all I look just like my mother who I detest.

But I was fortunate enough to have a strong work ethic and I just kept trucking on hoping for the best and while I haven't had the perfect life (who has?), I've had enough to make me grateful.

Try to keep the faith that there's a lot more to life than looks, many of us aren't just saying this, we believe it.

I’m plain, very, very plain. I know it.
Glasses haven’t helped either, I’ve always worn them.

I’ve always had to try ‘that bit harder’ to look ‘pretty’ or attractive.
So I’ve done the following.

I always get my hair trimmed/cut every 6-8 weeks (I book the next appointment at the same time).
I get my teeth cleaned every 4 months.
I get my eyebrows waxed.
I spend more on my glasses and make sure they suit me.
I always wear my most expensive diamond earrings as much as possible (they are just studs but they sparkle).
I always put a coloured lip gloss on.

Oh, and a top tip, a well fitting bra, sounds odd but it makes me carry myself better so I feel more attractive.

I'm not ugly but I'm not beautiful either. I also have a horrific resting bitch face that makes me look truly appalling. It got quite bad because of a combination of stress, tiredness and genuine bitterness because of being treated badly. I caught a glance of myself in the mirror one day and realised just how much that bitter was showing in my facial expression. Since then I've made an effort to adjust my features, smile more - and I look and feel better for it.

I know I'll never be beautiful in the classic sense but I have noticed that I can find beauty in myself as a person - and not just personality - in the clothes I wear or the colour of my hair, or the light in my eyes when I am happy (even if I suspect I'll never quite get past the slight bitch face when at rest!)

I do think that finding some kind of pleasantness to enjoy about ourselves physically can go a long way to help. And OP you can do something about the weight and your overall level of health. All of that makes a huge difference.

I am ugly.

It used to get me down but now it just is bow it is. I would like to claim that I have a beautiful spirit, engaging personality or dazzling intellect to make up for it - but I don't.

Once I accepted that I was ugly life got easier. I also realised that clothes are not an invisibility cloak and so I wear what I want and don't give a fuck.

I spent most of my teenage years feeling ugly probably due to a father who thought it funny to make horrible personal remarks about me . As a young woman I hated going out and felt very inferior to just about everyone. Although I married and have children and a career I never felt attractive . As I have aged I have felt despair .... I am never going to improve . But last summer I had to go to a family wedding . It was incredibly hot and as I put on the outfit I had planned to wear I found I couldn't stand being hot , uncomfortable with aching feet . So I put on an old but summery dress, flat comfortable sandals and no make up ( I do try but hate the feel of it) When we arrived there were lots of glamorous ladies . I expected to feel ( as usual) fat , frumpy and out of place . Did I heck . I had the best time . Felt like myself . And the feeling has lasted . I'm still not , and never will be , beautiful . But I've sort of grown into my looks .

I think life knocks and experiences are more of an issue in how we perceive ourselves than the actual looks. Our experiences have a huge impact on self esteem. I was sad to read on the previous thread from someone who was 4ft 11 and said it was the same as being ugly and she was overlooked and no men were ever interested. I'm 4ft 10 and also have been overweight most of my adult life yet I haven't had the same experience. My weight causes me to have self esteem issues (due to nasty comments made) but never my height. I've been married twice and had men interested when I was single even though I was short and overweight. Because of this I found it really sad to see someone refer to their height as such as issue. I don't dismiss that that is their reality but do wonder if some bad life experiences have given them this view.

I'm no oil painting myself, but I don't care and never really have, except maybe as a teenager. I'm also single - and more than happy being so. I don't spend any time at all trying to make myself look like anyone else might think I should.

I'm really sorry you feel this way OP, and there is nothing I can say to make you feel better - it has to come from you. I doubt very much that you are "ugly" and in no way am I dismissing how you feel, but there really is more to life than how you look.

Dear OP - I am older than you, and I think a lot about how GORGEOUS I was in my 20s!!! Never appreciated it and now I look like an old hag and hate it! But really you do not look as bad as you think - I find I don't look too bad if I take my glasses off and look in a mirror when I have had my hair done - takes at least 10 years off. Try to focus on your good points - have your nails and feet pampered - makes you feel much better.

@NotNowNoreen - I can really understand your feelings.

I was brought up by a mum who constantly told me it was 'just as well you're clever enough to have a good career because no-one will ever marry someone as ugly as you'. I overheard my aunt's neighbour describe me as a 'bonny little thing' and have never forgotten my aunt's response of 'Don't ever let her mum hear you say that or she'll make the poor kid's life even more hell than she already does'. I was 6. If you can't be pretty to your own mum, you must be really hideous, right?

Wrong! I've since looked back at photos and I was a 'bonny little thing' and a pretty teenager and an attractive woman into my 40s. But I felt I was ugly and it made me unhappy and self-conscious with no basis for it.

Then at 45 I had an accident that caused a facial paralysis and after just coming to terms with the fact that I hadn't been as ugly as I'd felt, I suddenly was truly hideous. The whole right side of my face is dropped and distorted. My mouth is twisted and I have an uncorrectable squint. I've had counselling but it had no effect because in my head there's a voice that says they are just trying to get me to be happy with being hideous because that's their job.

And the stuff about not being ugly if you have beautiful thoughts and do good things is all so much hot air. I've just spent part of today doing something good and being described as 'brave' and 'a legend' by people in this little town. (No, I'm not saying what - that's not the point!) But when I see all the photos that have been posted on FB all I can see is an ugly old woman with a twisted and distorted face. Not one feature that isn't affected.

I am ugly. Nothing mitigates it. Nothing stops strangers staring in the street. Nothing will ever stop me hating the way I look and crying about it. Nothing.

I dont know any healthy people who look really ugly.

If you are healthy eg eat well, exercise, take care of your body, you can look good if not pretty. Stay slim, keep your skin clear & your hair healthy etc, smile lots.

There are little things you can do to give you a confidence boost - wearing makeup that suits you (a makeup counter all advise), clothes that you like & flatter you.

I work with a lady whose features are quite uneven & rather crooked teeth. She often looks good nonetheless, she dresses very nicely, is in very good shape & is exceptionally cheerful which in itself is attractive .

Age is a great leveller OP. As we age looks become less and less important and we learn to look more and more at the person inside. Because we are old and fat and wrinkled do we cease to have value? Bugger that. Then why should it be any different if you are younger?

I'm nearly sixty and have friends in a range of twenty years either side. My best friend is ten years older than me. We are old and fat and grey, but she is the sparkiest, most interesting person I know and I admire her immensely. I can honestly say that I don't give a fuck what my friends look like. The nearest I might get is "nice top, is it new?"

What I care about is the person and their values and friendship and whether we have a good time together. We don't have to think or believe the same things, but we do have to believe in, for example, kindness, support for others, honesty and integrity. I place those above looks every single time. I can't believe I am the only one.

I agree that many people are plain. I look at young women with lots of make-up, dressing fashionably, and are probably attracting attention. I see them without make-up and they are very plain.

So please OP don't compare yourself to what you see as someone who has had to spend 2 hours minimum to get out of the house. Life is too short.

I agree with the poster who says they don't know any healthy person who looks ugly. I don't either

The person who has said they are ugly and hate themselves..this is heartbreaking
I'm not sure how to help or advise. I remember my aunt telling me hair is the first thing people notice. And nice clothes. I do think dressing well and being well kept make a bug difference and people just take how you look at face value however, this doesn't change how you feel about yourself.
This is a very sad thread

Thanks everyone.

I really am ugly, no doubt. I have done the whole lose weight, fix hair, dress nicely, take care of skin thing (have regained the weight but still doing the others).

Fundamentally though I still hate what I see in the mirror.. And it's that that I am really talking about (I'm not really looking for reassurance - even if someone could say the perfect thing to cure this I would be completely unable to believe them). I know there must be other people who have experienced this feeling, perhaps lived with it all their lives.

Yes @JamesBlonde1 recently Maura higgins posted a photo with no make up and she doesn't look a thing like how she does with a faceful of makeup. It's scary actually just how different she looks.

I think all this 'only bitter people are ugly' bullshit is terribly damaging. Someone who already thinks they are ugly is then supposed to think they're a bitter miserable person too?! Offensive and nasty. Beautiful people can be cunts, ugly people can be diamonds.

I'm very ugly too, OP! But it doesn't bother me all that much. I think the trick is to be very active, as a PP said. Like, if I'm swimming in the sea, I feel awesome and don't care how flobsy my chin is. Also, surround yourself with lovely things and no mirrors because luckily, you don't have to look at yourself! That's other people's problem.

Ohhh love it! No such thing as ugly people and the internal beauty shines right through... unless you're fat, unhealty(whatever that means) or you've been affected by bullying or being unloved.

Some people's heads are so far up their arses no wonder all they can see is the "beauty within".

I’m the same OP, only sometimes I think I look ok but I definitely don’t eg I was a bridesmaid for a friend’s wedding and the pictures just came back - I am in far fewer pictures than the other bridesmaids. The ones I’m in I look awful. It happens over and over so it’s not just me being paranoid - I used to do a job where we got photographed a lot at work - I was never featured in the photographs and everyone else was.

How I feel about myself ranges and depends a lot on how people have been treating me and how well I've been taking care of myself. But, like some PPs, I grew up with a 'mother' who took every opportunity to critique my appearance, and its the things she'd comment most on that I still feel most self conscious about even now, despite going NC aged 16. To make it even worse, I can see my face changing to look more and more like hers as I get older.

On the flip side, I had a phase where my body was in really good shape, and I got a lot of male attention. Thing was though, they only ever wanted one thing. I was used, and from that I can never see any guy actually liking me for me and my personality, or wanting an actual relationship with me.