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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not attend the funeral? I'm torn, please advise me

134 replies

feelingbadNY · 01/01/2020 14:55

The father (John) of one of my oldest friends (Pete) has passed away and it's his funeral next week. I thought the world of him and he always referred to me as his adoptive daughter, knowing how close I am to his son. He was a wonderful person and very fatherly towards me.

Unfortunately my friend "Pete" had a falling out with his dad weeks before his passing and as a result, it is alleged that John told his sister's he wouldn't want his son at his funeral if anything were ever to happen to him. He had been unwell but nobody saw it coming anytime soon, it was an untimely death.

John's sisters who are arranging the funeral have said that Pete isn't welcome, although i don't believe for a second John would have wanted him to be pushed out, regardless of what was said in the heat of the moment. He loved his son.

I don't agree with their position and feel it is Pete's right to attend.

Johns sisters have said if Pete goes then they refuse to acknowlege him and he isn't welcome, sadly Pete has agreed to stay away and respect their wishes despite being devastated at not being able to say a final goodbye to his dad.

I however, am invited and encouraged to attend by the rest of the family who say they knew how much John loved me and the kids, and he would have wanted me there.

I feel very torn and worry that if I were to attend, it might cause unintentional resentment from my friend who is already extremely hurt having been cast aside by the family. He is Johns blood relative whereas I'm only a family friend. It feels wrong that I'm there taking on the role of daughter when his biological son is prohibited from attending, when my connection to John is through Pete in the first place.

The funeral is 150 miles away from where I live and I don't drive, I could at a push travel down by train but it'll be very costly (I only work part time at the moment as my two children are under 2) so it will be tight. My eldest child also has additional needs and I do think he would struggle with the long trip there and back, including transfers and busses once we arrive in the city. My DP works FT so is unable to have the children on the day. It would be difficult but I could do it if I make the effort.

With all that in mind, the logical option appears to be that I don't go - but I still feel a sense of obligation out of respect for John.

With all this in mind WIBU to not go?

What would you do, if you were me?

OP posts:
56Marshmallow · 01/01/2020 15:00

I would only go in order to support Pete attending.

It's disgusting that his sister's are banning him from the funeral.

If Pete wasn't going then I wouldn't either.

Whataboutthattthen · 01/01/2020 15:00

I wouldn’t go. John will not know the difference, Pete will. Perhaps you could meet Pete for lunch on the day? Sad situation.

Wanderlustnearorfar · 01/01/2020 15:02

I would arrange to be with Pete and arrange to do something in honour of his father instead of attending the funeral. Sorry for your loss

FamilyOfAliens · 01/01/2020 15:02

Can you actually ban someone from attending a funeral though?

But in your situation, no,I definitely wouldn’t go.

vivacian · 01/01/2020 15:02

How does Pete feel?

covetingthepreciousthings · 01/01/2020 15:03

I wouldn’t go. John will not know the difference, Pete will.

Agree with this, and the suggestion of doing something with Pete to mark the occasion instead.

SummerWhisper · 01/01/2020 15:03

Your friend has suffered a triple blow: losing his dad, not having a chance to repair the fallout from the argument and how his family are now treating him. Don't be the 4th blow by attending. Stay away but send a beautiful wreath with a card detailing what he meant to you and how much you cared about him. Sorry for your loss. Exceptionally sorry for Pete's loss Flowers

Littletabbyocelot · 01/01/2020 15:03

Funerals are for the living. In your case the living person you need to focus on is your friend, who has an extra layer of devastation to deal with. Perhaps find another way to honour John together?

Nifflernancy · 01/01/2020 15:03

Pete should tell them to fuck off and go! It's his father! They have some nerve saying he 'can't go', it's not their decision.

covetingthepreciousthings · 01/01/2020 15:04

Can you actually ban someone from attending a funeral though?

I've wondered this recently too, after a colleague was telling me their family was banning other close members of family from attending. I guess, it would just make the situation more uncomfortable for everyone knowing their presence wasn't wanted.

DisplayPurposesOnly · 01/01/2020 15:05

I would ask Pete what he'd like me to do.

If he were OK for me to attend the funeral, I'd attend for myself and as his representative. I'd skip the wake and meet Pete for dinner/drinks/a walk to mourn his dad with him (and pop back to cemetary/crematorium with him when the family have gone, if that's feasible).

I'd think his aunts are barking.

Original poster
feelingbadNY · 01/01/2020 15:09

It really is a horrible situation, Pete is being dignified and not causing a scene and has decided to honour his dad in his own way but I know he's struggling with the way he has been treat and I'm absolutely on his side about it.

I spoke to one of johns sister's on the telephone shortly after his passing and confirmed I would be attending, but this was before pete was told he isn't welcome.

Pete being cut out changes everything but I'm sad that if I don't go, it'll look like I didn't care about John when I did. Very much.

All being said, in my heart of hearts I feel it would be disrespectful to Pete if I were to go whilst he isn't given that opportunity when it's his father.

OP posts:
Original poster
feelingbadNY · 01/01/2020 15:12

Legally they can't stop Pete from attending, but they've made it very clear that if he goes he won't be welcome and nobody will acknowlege him thus making the whole experience even more unpleasant as he's categorically not welcome. They've said that it was johns wishes for him not to attend and if he did then he would be going against what John wants.

Even though I think that's bull.

Pete toyed with the idea of going regardless, supported by me and his DM (who was estranged from John) but feels he can't handle the negative treatment from the family. His mental health is in decline presently, not helped by all of this.

OP posts:
ittakes2 · 01/01/2020 15:14

I am very sorry for your loss. Although it seems an extreme thing to say that you don’t want your son at your funeral. Is there a chance there is more to the story that you don’t know about? People are grieving and grief is a very strong emotion. I would feel too awkward going to my friends parents funeral without them knowing they want to attend. I would find a different way to deal with my grief. But I am not you. You have to imagine how you would feel going or not going and which one you would regret more given the circumstances.

Original poster
feelingbadNY · 01/01/2020 15:15

Pete has never outright said he doesn't want me to go, he wouldn't do that, but I know him well enough to know that it would hurt him in light of not being able to go himself.

OP posts:
Wattagoose90 · 01/01/2020 15:15

I'd send apologies and perhaps a small donation if there's a charity collection etc.

I mean this in the nicest way possible, but he's gone now, so John won't know any different. Be there to support Pete instead, he probably needs it more.

AJPTaylor · 01/01/2020 15:15

I would not go but spend the day with your friend supporting him.

Original poster
feelingbadNY · 01/01/2020 15:19

John and Pete are very similarly stubborn and had a handful of arguments in the year leading up to his death, usually about politics of all things. They disagreed on a lot of subjects but nothing terrible.

After the last argument, swearing exchanged, John did say he was done with Pete but he wouldn't have meant it. They always made up and were very alike, hence the clashing.

John was only 56 and nobody expected him to pass, least of all Pete Sad

OP posts:
CarolinaPink · 01/01/2020 15:21

Pete should do whatever he feels he ought to do in memory of his father. It's not his sisters' place to tell him what to do/not re: his father's funeral.

As for you I'd suggest the same. we've had several family/friend funerals recently. It's not about making a display for others. It's about you and your conscience. Let it guide you Flowers

Original poster
feelingbadNY · 01/01/2020 15:23

Unfortunately Pete is also a long distance away from where I live now so I couldn't just pop down there on a whim, but I'm going to talk to him today and ask if he'd like to arrange to get together. I would absolutely make the effort to support him.

OP posts:
MelroseHigginbottom · 01/01/2020 15:27

You and Pete should turn up together Flowers

Original poster
feelingbadNY · 01/01/2020 15:29

I suggested that melrose, me pete and Pete's mum turning up in a show of solidarity for pete but he doesn't want there to be a scene and he expects one to happen, from the aunts, if he goes Sad

OP posts:
Original poster
feelingbadNY · 01/01/2020 15:53

I've messaged pete and he replied straight away. I said i was struggling with knowing what to do on account of the funeral and why.

He said I shouldn't feel bad on account of him and he's happy for me to go, because he's doing his own thing with another relative at the end of the week and he and I will get together soon and do something between us.

I asked if there's any chance of him deciding to attend the funeral regardless of his aunts position and he said there isn't, he's made his peace with the situation, he won't go where he's not welcome if his dad really did say that and doesn't want a scene.

I'm in awe of how dignified he's being in light of the utterly shit treatment he has received. He doesn't deserve any of this.

OP posts:
AlltheRs · 01/01/2020 15:56

Why not 'melrose, me pete and Pete's mum' go immediately after the interment and the others are gone and lay your own flowers and say your goodbyes, and go to the pub/restaurant as your own little wake?

He honors their stupid decision and punishment while getting to be a part of laying his dad to rest in a different way.

AlltheRs · 01/01/2020 16:13

I've been both the punished person (not even allowed to know where their remains are) and at a funeral where Mother of deceased was 'allowed' as persona non gratis, but not to travel in funeral cars and was deliberately publicly treated poorly throughout. It was rotten and not what the deceased would have wanted.

Mine did me a lot of damage at the time but probably because I was young and blindsided.
Dignity and the knowledge that you're not the person you're being treated as is the only way to go. Funerals are indeed for the living including mindless vengeance, under any excuse to 'honour' the dead.

If you are going, depending on if it's appropriate, taking some discreet photo's for Pete might turn out to be a kindness in the long term.