To not attend the funeral? I'm torn, please advise me

[feelingbadNY]

The father (John) of one of my oldest friends (Pete) has passed away and it's his funeral next week. I thought the world of him and he always referred to me as his adoptive daughter, knowing how close I am to his son. He was a wonderful person and very fatherly towards me.

Unfortunately my friend "Pete" had a falling out with his dad weeks before his passing and as a result, it is alleged that John told his sister's he wouldn't want his son at his funeral if anything were ever to happen to him. He had been unwell but nobody saw it coming anytime soon, it was an untimely death.

John's sisters who are arranging the funeral have said that Pete isn't welcome, although i don't believe for a second John would have wanted him to be pushed out, regardless of what was said in the heat of the moment. He loved his son.

I don't agree with their position and feel it is Pete's right to attend.

Johns sisters have said if Pete goes then they refuse to acknowlege him and he isn't welcome, sadly Pete has agreed to stay away and respect their wishes despite being devastated at not being able to say a final goodbye to his dad.

I however, am invited and encouraged to attend by the rest of the family who say they knew how much John loved me and the kids, and he would have wanted me there.

I feel very torn and worry that if I were to attend, it might cause unintentional resentment from my friend who is already extremely hurt having been cast aside by the family. He is Johns blood relative whereas I'm only a family friend. It feels wrong that I'm there taking on the role of daughter when his biological son is prohibited from attending, when my connection to John is through Pete in the first place.

The funeral is 150 miles away from where I live and I don't drive, I could at a push travel down by train but it'll be very costly (I only work part time at the moment as my two children are under 2) so it will be tight. My eldest child also has additional needs and I do think he would struggle with the long trip there and back, including transfers and busses once we arrive in the city. My DP works FT so is unable to have the children on the day. It would be difficult but I could do it if I make the effort.

With all that in mind, the logical option appears to be that I don't go - but I still feel a sense of obligation out of respect for John.

With all this in mind WIBU to not go?

What would you do, if you were me?

Very odd situation. Indeed

Miss piggy, yes I do know the ins and the outs of their arguments.

Me and Pete talk most days. He is my closest friend and has been for a long time.

There has been nothing big happen, he has done nothing wrong. The pair fell out a handful of times over the past year over trivial matters such as political debates and after the most recent row John said he was done with Pete. They were both as bad as each other for it and they clashed because they are very similar.

He wouldn't have meant it, they always made up, but because John said prior to dying he wanted nothing more to do with Pete they have taken that as gospel and have cut him off.

John's sister asked if i wanted anything from johns house because they are acting as though Pete doesn't exist and aren't taking him into consideration when making funeral arrangements or sorting through his belongings. Pete has been totally cut off whereas because i hadn't fallen out with John, I was still considered his family.

It's unjust, wrong and I don't agree with it or feel comfortable with the fact that I'm seen as being like johns daughter yet Pete, his biological child, has been pushed aside.

Tbh if it was the same old same old type of squabble & likely they would have made up, I'd find it hard to support Pete in his decision not to go & I think that if I wanted to then I would.

He/you wouldn't have to go to anything afterwards, but I can't really fathom why he wouldn't go to the service.

I think Pete will regret not going. And he needs to get out of his head the fact that this was his father's wish. No-one knows what John's mindset was at the time of his death, including his daughters.

This is important, please ask Pete if there is anything he wants from his father's effects, particularly photographs and mementos of his father, and retrieve them on his behalf. Once gone they are gone for ever. My sister disposed of my parents' belongings and I have nothing from my childhood as a consequence.

I agree it's a very strange situation and unforgivable as far as Pete is concerned.

Petes dad has long since been a father figure to me since i grew up without my own. He always referred to me as his adoptive daughter and vice versa, because me and Pete have been the closest of friends for so long John truly did feel like family to me and I loved him as though he was. John would refer to me as his daughter despite us not being related and i would refer to him as dad. I would go away with them both when they had weekend breaks, I'd spend Christmas with them before I had a family of my own, John would provide support if I needed a voice of reason. He was fatherly.

Except now he has passed and Pete cut off, It doesn't feel right for me to be thought of like that when his biological child has been ostracized.

Its not right and has lead me to worry about the affect all of this will have on mine and Pete's friendship hence deciding not to go to the funeral.

Hope that all makes sense

I was Pete's friend first and foremost and my loyalties lay with him.

I agree with @Ocomeocomeimaginaryfleas re the belongings.

If they are throwing stuff out, then go and collect momentoes - photographs, maybe his watch, maybe something like the kitchen clock or the painting that has always been on the living room wall. Maybe a hat or cap that he wore or whatever it was that said "John". Once those things are gone, then they are gone for ever. Later, if Pete wants to throw them out, then he can do so, but if they aren't saved for him, then that is another choice that has been taken away from him.

I'm no lawyer, but have to agree with @Kerning and @Margaritatime. If there was no will, then Pete, as his son, would surely be the 'heir', and it is not for his Aunts to be chucking stuff out. This isn't about things of monetary value, this is about memories / sentiments.

I really think you need to support Pete by telling the sisters and niece that you disagree with the way they are treating him and will not attend to avoid causing him more pain. They sound like awful people

If Pete’s not going I’d stay at home.

Agree with this, and the suggestion of doing something with Pete to mark the occasion instead

Agree. I wouldn't go. Instead, I would take Pete out to a place that held memories of his dad and just sit with him and talk. Then I'd take him out for lunch. This would be a much more supportive way of standing with Pete yet also honouring the memory of his dad.

Do you think that it might have been a bigger falling out than Pete has let on?

His dad seems to have bitched about him to his Aunts!

But do you think that it is possible that they have decided that Pete shouldn't be there?

I'm torn between thinking badly of Pete for not going & badly of his dad for saying he wouldn't want Pete there (if he did) all over some petty fallout.

I think you and Pete should do your own little ceremony.
John wont know one way or the other. His sisters are behaving atrociously, and neither you or Pete need that right now. You could go up and visit the grave another time. Light a candle for John, maybe talk about your favourite memories. It doesnt have to be the official funeral you go to

I think Pete should contact the funeral directors and also a solicitor as he should legally be the next of kin. The sisters have no right to do this, or to dispose of his goods.

I'm assuming Pete has no siblings?

It's likely John had a moan to his sister about having no more to do with Pete yes, the sisters have said it's johns wishes that Pete doesn't attend his funeral, if and when he passes.

Personally I think it was nothing more than hot air as knowing them like I do, they absolutely would have made up as they have several times previous. If John said that then he said it in the heat of the moment and wouldn't have meant it. They're both strong minded opinionated characters, very similar and stubborn but loved one another nevertheless.

It's possible the sisters just don't want Pete there but then evidence suggests there was a conversation between John and then where John said he didn't want anything more to do with Pete, otherwise they wouldn't have known.

I told Pete they had asked me if I wanted anything to remember him by from the house, after they asked me. Pete expressed wanting one specific photograph of the pair of them that his dad had on his mantlepiece, but the likelihood is it's in the possession of one of the sisters now as this conversation was weeks ago and there's no way I could have gotten down there to retrieve it for him any sooner.

I'm in London and Johns house is in Yorkshire, I've got two under 2 and don't drive. If I was in the same area I would have gone round immediately and gotten it for him.

Pete has no siblings from his father no, he was the only child from his parents marriage.

I'm relaying some of the info here to Pete IRT the legalities and next of kinship

I think that the aunts are being awful. I would actually throw some shit back at them and say that you don’t feel able to come while Pete is banned, despite being very upset about John dying and having adored John like a father. Tell them that Pete is very upset and you’re going to support him and hold your own little memorial together.

Very difficult situation OP. Why has Pete allowed himself to be pushed out here? Do you think he is feeling guilty/upset that he and his father fell out just before he died? That one final argument does not define their whole relationship - what about all the years that went before, when presumably they had a loving relationship? From what you've said John would not have wanted his son to be excluded from the funeral. Pete is his son, his closest living relative.

His sisters have no legal standing as far as I can tell - they are not the beneficiaries of John's estate (even if it's of little monetary value), Pete is.

I’d also add that you’re sorry that you’ve been put in a position where you had to choose, but you are supporting your excluded friend.

It's tricky isn't it?

I do think that if Pete wants to go then he should, especially if this behaviour between was not an unusual occurrence.

I would go with Pete, no one has the right to keep you away from your parent’s funeral, even murderers get day release!

Pete feels tremendously guilty about their last argument yes, I know that as he's said as much and i expect that's why he's not going against his aunts as much as he should.

I've tried endlessly to change his mind about going and I'm gutted that he won't stick two fingers up to his aunts and go for his own sake

"I'm gutted that he won't stick two fingers up to his aunts and go for his own sake"

Yes.

I think that if I really wanted to go then I would.

He has made the decision not to go, no one is stopping him.

You don't have to make the same decision as him.

This is an awful situation and you are dealing with it in the right way.

Death can make people bitter or act strangely but this all seems unnecessarily cruel behaviour from the sisters.

You are doing the right thing by Pete and wherever John is now, he will be looking down on you knowing that you were indeed a daughter to him as you are caring for his son like a sister.

The separate celebration of John’s life/goodby sounds grand.

The sisters can live with what they’ve done.

^goodbye not goodby

In all honesty you might not have the full story. I had a relative that asked for a child to be excluded from a funeral. I’m sure you’d have had two very different interpretations from the deceased and the child re the reasons why. If there are no assets to be fighting over, the aunts aren’t likely to be motivated by money and might just be trying to fulfil final wishes etc. It sounds a mess though and must be very difficult for Pete to process. I’d want to know if there was a will and why the aunts were taking charge though.

unless there is a will which it appears there is not; then generally children (when someone is intestate) come before siblings and any personal possessions of John would belong to Pete not John' s sisters
so Pete would come before John's siblings

The sisters could be in trouble for disposing of Petes things instead of giving them to his son I know when someone is living in council accommodation you don't have long to clear house

Does Pete have any siblings