To not attend the funeral? I'm torn, please advise me

[feelingbadNY]

The father (John) of one of my oldest friends (Pete) has passed away and it's his funeral next week. I thought the world of him and he always referred to me as his adoptive daughter, knowing how close I am to his son. He was a wonderful person and very fatherly towards me.

Unfortunately my friend "Pete" had a falling out with his dad weeks before his passing and as a result, it is alleged that John told his sister's he wouldn't want his son at his funeral if anything were ever to happen to him. He had been unwell but nobody saw it coming anytime soon, it was an untimely death.

John's sisters who are arranging the funeral have said that Pete isn't welcome, although i don't believe for a second John would have wanted him to be pushed out, regardless of what was said in the heat of the moment. He loved his son.

I don't agree with their position and feel it is Pete's right to attend.

Johns sisters have said if Pete goes then they refuse to acknowlege him and he isn't welcome, sadly Pete has agreed to stay away and respect their wishes despite being devastated at not being able to say a final goodbye to his dad.

I however, am invited and encouraged to attend by the rest of the family who say they knew how much John loved me and the kids, and he would have wanted me there.

I feel very torn and worry that if I were to attend, it might cause unintentional resentment from my friend who is already extremely hurt having been cast aside by the family. He is Johns blood relative whereas I'm only a family friend. It feels wrong that I'm there taking on the role of daughter when his biological son is prohibited from attending, when my connection to John is through Pete in the first place.

The funeral is 150 miles away from where I live and I don't drive, I could at a push travel down by train but it'll be very costly (I only work part time at the moment as my two children are under 2) so it will be tight. My eldest child also has additional needs and I do think he would struggle with the long trip there and back, including transfers and busses once we arrive in the city. My DP works FT so is unable to have the children on the day. It would be difficult but I could do it if I make the effort.

With all that in mind, the logical option appears to be that I don't go - but I still feel a sense of obligation out of respect for John.

With all this in mind WIBU to not go?

What would you do, if you were me?

It hasn't been easy for me to decide what to do and I've been agonising about it all week.

Ideally Pete would go and as such there would be no question of me not going, but the way he has been exiled and hurt has made it difficult for me to feel able to go whilst being respectful of Pete. If it weren't for pete I would have never known John. It all feels very wrong.

Snap OP!

I think you should send flowers. Unfortunately I think the sisters could be insisting you "must go" and "he would want you there" in order to make Pete feel even more left out.

A part of me does wonder whether me going would (to the sisters) be another way of sticking it to Pete. They said John saw me as his daughter and therefore I'm family and so they really want me to be there, but in these circumstances it feels like rubbing Pete's face in it.

Almost like they are saying I'm his daughter, Pete is nothing.

I feel honoured that John thought of me that way, and I did him too, but I'm not comfortable with that being highlighted when his biological son is rejected by the family and told he isn't welcome.

I don't want to replace Pete's place, not that I ever could.

I've told Pete I'm not going and explained why. I said I'd asked for advice and it was pretty much unanimous. He's cooking but said he'll get back to me shortly. I think he will be glad I've made this decision, I hope so.

They are being unnecessarily cruel and vindictive at a time when everybody's feelings are raw.

I think John should attend, with you for moral support. It isn't their place to exclude him, and Pete has the right to pay his respects whether they like it or not.

I doubt whether his sisters will cause a scene at the church/crem. The worst they will do is not acknowledge him. He should prepare himself for that, which is why he needs you there. You could both leave quietly after the service, rather than attend the wake where confrontation is more likely.

I've tried endlessly to persuade him to go but he won't be convinced after they've made it crystal clear about how they feel about him going, because they said it's johns wishes that he doesn't attend and if he goes then he's going against what his father wants

He feels hurt, humiliated and has been struggling with coming to terms with his dad passing and them having been on bad terms as it is and they've succeeded in making him feel even less deserving of going than he already did.

I wish he would change his mind but sadly he won't

I've also spoken to Pete's mum (Johns ex wife) about rallying together to get Pete there but it's not going to happen despite our best efforts

Just a thought.... as I have been through similar myself in recent weeks but as his son is he not his next of kin? Therefore, he is the one who should be arranging funeral etc?

Could he not 'pull rank' as next of kin and scrap/threaten to scrap the whole funeral and rearrange?

Good decision all round, OP. Pete's your friend and you love him. This shines through in your posts. John is, sadly, gone, and he isn't coming back. He's unaffected either way.

You owe his family nothing. The frequency of their messages to you is rather surprising, given they must have other important things on their minds quite now (such as, you know, the loss of their loved one). This factor, plus all this 'John sees you as a daughter' hyperbole sounds supiciously like lovebombing to me - its intention being to persuade you to capitulate to their wants - and I'd be treating this with extreme scepticism. If hurting their own flesh and blood is taking precedence over a sudden loss of this magnitute then it tells you much about who these people are. As their brother's friend, you should rightly be on the periphery of their lives and concerns especially at a time like now. This only goes to show their desperation to use you as a weapon to hurt their relative, and I'm glad you've chosen to disarm them by refusing to let them.

You don't owe them a response. A wreath and a dignified silence is the best way to play this. Pete is the friend who deserves your loyalty (and he's fortunate to have such a caring friend). They don't.

Johns sister is his next of kin so I'm told, she was the one the hospital knew to call when he went in.

I thought it would automatically be Pete myself so I'm not sure how/why it's the sister.

Pete is in a shitty place at the minute and I don't think he would be up for the fight. He seems to have accepted their stance as gospel and is trying to process that and come to terms with it.

I would love nothing more than for him to tell his aunts to back off, that he's going and that's the end of it. Unfortunately he won't and has resigned himself to being cast aside and feels he has to deal with that and move forwards.

Horrible, horrible situation.

I don't think he's as powerless as he has been lead to believe but unless he makes a stand there's nothing any of us can do to change his mind

I think John should attend

I’m sure John will be attending. It’s his funeral isn’t it?

Yes John is the man who has passed away and Pete is his son, my close friend.

Apologies if I've mixed the names up somewhere. I almost wrote their actual names a few times. It's confusing referring to them with alt names.

Did John have any assets and are the sisters executors or administrators of his estate? If John hasn’t made a will then Pete is probably his main beneficiary.

OP, I am very unsure whether to mention this as quite rightly the focus is on how Pete feels and what he wants to do in relation to the funeral. You mention that his father died unexpectedly and his sister, Pete's Aunt is stating she is next of kin - do you know if there is a will as this may specify John's wishes regarding his funeral? If there is no will then the laws of intestacy would apply - www.gov.uk/inherits-someone-dies-without-will. In this situation the administrator would be responsible for organising the funeral. www.gov.uk/applying-for-probate.

Pete should do whatever he feels he ought to do in memory of his father. It's not his sisters' place to tell him what to do/not re: his father's funeral.

This ^
If I were Pete, I would be going. His Aunts can't prevent him - it isn't their place to, and everyone else there will think the same. Everyone else who attends will think it very strange for John's only child not to be at his funeral.
I know you said he has made his mine up, but I think he will regret it.
I think a funeral is a very, very important part of the whole grieving process.

If he is determined not to go, then I would suggest getting together with you, maybe his Mum and others who love him to have some moments of reflection (prayers and readings if that is his wish, but needn't be if he has no faith), and then a meal and a chance to raise a toast to him, and share some memories. It is difficult to move on without some sort of rite of passage.

No assets that I'm aware of, he was in council accommodation and lived month to month. I do know that the contents of his home were being donated to a charity organisation. He wasn't well off but had some lovely things, collectables etc.

When I spoke to the sisters on the phone i was asked whether I wanted anything from his house, of course I said no. I didn't want to benefit from his passing and Pete should have been consulted so he could have the opportunity to keep something to remember his dad by, but again he was robbed off that.

I will relay that to Pete, Marga.

I haven't a clue if there is a will, my gut tells me there isn't one. He died very young (56) and not from a terminal illness, his passing was sudden and unexpected so there would have been no urgency prior to get his affairs in order like that.

**Johns sister is his next of kin so I'm told, she was the one the hospital knew to call when he went in.

I thought it would automatically be Pete myself so I'm not sure how/why it's the sister.**

^Becauee John put his sister down as next of kin?

Look you don’t know the in and outs of why John and Pete fell out. The fact he did put his own son as next of kin says alot.

Didn’t put his son as next of kin

If John did not leave a will and was unmarried at the time of his death then his son is the beneficiary of his estate. Why are John's sisters asking you if you want something to remember him by? Anything belonging to John now belongs to Pete surely and it is for Pete to determine what happens to it?

Very odd situation.

Sorry for your loss, I know you weren't asking about the will/estate but it seems really odd to me

Who John put down as next of kin has no impact on who is the legal heir and able to administer an estate.

Would it be possible for you,Pete and his mum to go a few hours after the funeral? Lay down some flowers, say a few words, have your own little service and goodbye.

Do you care what the sisters think? Just tell them that you aren't going to attend because you're supporting Pete. Have the courage of your convictions!!

I think John should attend

Oops, I meant Pete