To not attend the funeral? I'm torn, please advise me

[feelingbadNY]

The father (John) of one of my oldest friends (Pete) has passed away and it's his funeral next week. I thought the world of him and he always referred to me as his adoptive daughter, knowing how close I am to his son. He was a wonderful person and very fatherly towards me.

Unfortunately my friend "Pete" had a falling out with his dad weeks before his passing and as a result, it is alleged that John told his sister's he wouldn't want his son at his funeral if anything were ever to happen to him. He had been unwell but nobody saw it coming anytime soon, it was an untimely death.

John's sisters who are arranging the funeral have said that Pete isn't welcome, although i don't believe for a second John would have wanted him to be pushed out, regardless of what was said in the heat of the moment. He loved his son.

I don't agree with their position and feel it is Pete's right to attend.

Johns sisters have said if Pete goes then they refuse to acknowlege him and he isn't welcome, sadly Pete has agreed to stay away and respect their wishes despite being devastated at not being able to say a final goodbye to his dad.

I however, am invited and encouraged to attend by the rest of the family who say they knew how much John loved me and the kids, and he would have wanted me there.

I feel very torn and worry that if I were to attend, it might cause unintentional resentment from my friend who is already extremely hurt having been cast aside by the family. He is Johns blood relative whereas I'm only a family friend. It feels wrong that I'm there taking on the role of daughter when his biological son is prohibited from attending, when my connection to John is through Pete in the first place.

The funeral is 150 miles away from where I live and I don't drive, I could at a push travel down by train but it'll be very costly (I only work part time at the moment as my two children are under 2) so it will be tight. My eldest child also has additional needs and I do think he would struggle with the long trip there and back, including transfers and busses once we arrive in the city. My DP works FT so is unable to have the children on the day. It would be difficult but I could do it if I make the effort.

With all that in mind, the logical option appears to be that I don't go - but I still feel a sense of obligation out of respect for John.

With all this in mind WIBU to not go?

What would you do, if you were me?

Good news on the photo OP, you both must be relieved. I too think Pete will come to regret letting John's sisters take over here but you've done all you can by the sound of it.

Hope you and Pete find a fitting way to pay your respects to John

OP could you tell Pete that you will be available to go with him to the funeral, and that he can change his mind right at the last minute if he wants? It is outrageous for him to be excluded like this when he is the legal beneficiary.

I must say I find it bizarre that the sisters have been allowed to take over, and that no-one has pointed out Pete's legal position in this.

Can I ask, who is the executor of the will here? Did he even make a will? Just wondering how the Aunt is going to pay for the funeral? Is it out of her own pocket? Or out of funds left in the will? As the Aunt might ask for the son to pay for it?

My dh couldn't go to.his sister's funeral,it's a long story but there was an argument between them and a few days later she died suddenly from sepsis , we went to the crematorium the day after the funeral and took some flowers , had she known he wasent allowed to go i think she would have been horrified .

@TabbyMumz - it has already been said, there is not thought to be a will.
John didn't own much (and also wasn't expecting to die so young)

@TabbyMumz makes a good point about paying for the funeral though. From what's been said, I would be surprised if John had a funeral payment plan or had left savings that would cover it. So let's hope the sisters who are so keen to shut Pete out of the funeral are also fine to pay for it without his help. They aren't cheap.

"John didn't own much (and also wasn't expecting to die so young)"
What isn't much to one person is a lot to another. Think someone's already said there was furniture? Which Pete might have wanted, and there would have been white goods etc, again, which Pete might have wanted. And who knows what else he might have wanted if he'd got chance to go round to the house?

I wouldn't go. I'd go somewhere that day with Pete so that you two can remember John together. That way, you're celebrating his life and remaining loyal to your lovely friend.

Someone made the comment that John won't care if he is there or not. But of course funerals are for the living, to help us begin to process grief and to acknowledge the shocking reality that someone has died. As painful and difficult as funerals are, not going can leave us in a limbo of not being part of a formal community acknowledgement of death and can prevent us moving through grief. Funerals force us to begin to face a new reality. Rituals help us process huge life events.