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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not attend the funeral? I'm torn, please advise me

134 replies

feelingbadNY · 01/01/2020 14:55

The father (John) of one of my oldest friends (Pete) has passed away and it's his funeral next week. I thought the world of him and he always referred to me as his adoptive daughter, knowing how close I am to his son. He was a wonderful person and very fatherly towards me.

Unfortunately my friend "Pete" had a falling out with his dad weeks before his passing and as a result, it is alleged that John told his sister's he wouldn't want his son at his funeral if anything were ever to happen to him. He had been unwell but nobody saw it coming anytime soon, it was an untimely death.

John's sisters who are arranging the funeral have said that Pete isn't welcome, although i don't believe for a second John would have wanted him to be pushed out, regardless of what was said in the heat of the moment. He loved his son.

I don't agree with their position and feel it is Pete's right to attend.

Johns sisters have said if Pete goes then they refuse to acknowlege him and he isn't welcome, sadly Pete has agreed to stay away and respect their wishes despite being devastated at not being able to say a final goodbye to his dad.

I however, am invited and encouraged to attend by the rest of the family who say they knew how much John loved me and the kids, and he would have wanted me there.

I feel very torn and worry that if I were to attend, it might cause unintentional resentment from my friend who is already extremely hurt having been cast aside by the family. He is Johns blood relative whereas I'm only a family friend. It feels wrong that I'm there taking on the role of daughter when his biological son is prohibited from attending, when my connection to John is through Pete in the first place.

The funeral is 150 miles away from where I live and I don't drive, I could at a push travel down by train but it'll be very costly (I only work part time at the moment as my two children are under 2) so it will be tight. My eldest child also has additional needs and I do think he would struggle with the long trip there and back, including transfers and busses once we arrive in the city. My DP works FT so is unable to have the children on the day. It would be difficult but I could do it if I make the effort.

With all that in mind, the logical option appears to be that I don't go - but I still feel a sense of obligation out of respect for John.

With all this in mind WIBU to not go?

What would you do, if you were me?

OP posts:
Original poster
feelingbadNY · 01/01/2020 22:20

He has siblings but not from his dad, his mum has other children but Pete is the only one from his mum and Johns marriage, so he would be the only beneficiary in terms of children.

OP posts:
Original poster
feelingbadNY · 01/01/2020 22:32

I've relayed alot of the advice here to Pete, so thank you for the input.

In regards to there being no will so Pete being the automatic next of kin, where does he stand now they've already cleared the house without giving him the chance to take anything?

It is a council properly so if you do have a short window to clear the place then it would appear that all the contents will have been donated to the charity already and the personal effects will most likely be in the aunts possession.

OP posts:
ScouseQueen · 01/01/2020 22:43

It's a difficult one but I am in the camp of the posters who have been saying he should go anyway. I attended a family funeral a while back where a family member was indirectly informed they were not welcome (also not for a good reason). They said they wouldn't be stopped and they went anyway. While they were blanked by other family members, there was no direct conflict at the ceremony and they were able to pay their respects and be present. Worth Pete thinking about this as something he might want to cling to later. There really is little they can do without making a massive scene and they don't sound capable of that since they haven't had the guts to tell him directly.
I also agree with @Ocomeocomeimaginaryfleas and @Honeyroar about John's belongings. Have you already told them you don't want to come and take anything? I'd go and take things for Pete.

Original poster
feelingbadNY · 01/01/2020 22:51

I had already told them I wasn't going to come and take anything, all this happened during the 90 odd mins I was on the phone to them 4 weeks ago.

It didn't feel right for me to take anything from his house and plus I couldn't have gotten down there at any point then as I'm so far away, don't drive and have two babies.

I'm talking to Pete now and trying to rally him to take some control back and if not go to the funeral then to at least assert himself as primary beneficiary and demand his dad's personal effects which the sisters will have.

He has asked me if I'll speak to his aunt on his behalf and say he wants one specific framed photo. I'm happy to do it for him, I just feel a bit awkward approaching them on the phone as I'm not going to the funeral

OP posts:
homeishere · 01/01/2020 23:15

John’s dead and so couldn’t give a toss if you’re there or not.

Kerning · 01/01/2020 23:19

Next of kin has no legal meaning, what's relevant is that Pete is the sole beneficiary to his dad's estate if there is no will. All proceeds from the estate (property, personal possessions, money etc) are Pete's. John's sisters have no right to dispose of or keep for themselves any of his estate.

www.citizensadvice.org.uk/family/death-and-wills/dealing-with-the-financial-affairs-of-someone-who-has-died/

Original poster
feelingbadNY · 01/01/2020 23:21

For a split second I changed my mind and was going to go as I had the idea to contact the sisters and ask them to bring the photo Pete wanted so I could collect it for him.

But after checked the directions on Google maps from my post code to the crematorium it will take me 8 hours one way via coaches and busses with multiple transfers. I couldn't afford to go by train so that's out of the equation.

The service is at 1.00pm and there's no way I would make it there on time, least of all with my children one of which is suspected of being autistic and wouldn't cope with the journey.

I'm going to contact the sisters tomorrow and ask if I could have that photo of Pete and John, I'll pay for postage and then I can pass it forward to him.

I hope they agree to it. We're still talking and he's fixated on getting that photograph back Sad

OP posts:
Forcryingoutloudwtf · 01/01/2020 23:27

Nobody can ban him from his father's funeral. He should go. You could go with him.

Kerning · 01/01/2020 23:29

Sorry just caught up - the sisters have already cleared John's house? What has happened to his possessions? And any money or other assets? Did they obtain Letters of Administration do you know?

Kerning · 01/01/2020 23:30

Good for him! It's his bloody photo after all!

Good luck OP you sound like a loyal and caring friend. I think you're right to try to rally Pete to take control. FWIW to answer your original question I don't think you should go to the funeral, I think you should do as other posters have suggested and have your own celebration/wake with Pete. Funerals are not the only way to pay your respects. Flowers

Original poster
feelingbadNY · 01/01/2020 23:37

Thank you all for the replies and helping me get clarity.

I've had no contact with the sisters for 4 weeks, but when we spoke they said it was their intention to donate the contents of the house to their chosen charity which accept furniture. They didn't mention personal effects such as photographs and sentimental items, but we are guessing they have kept those, but this is all just speculation and nothing has been confirmed.

He didn't have savings and lived month to month so there's no money, and he doesn't own any property.

Given that it's a council property i would guess they have already donated the furniture as a PP highlighted that you have a limited time to clear the property.

I just hope they haven't thrown away the photograph Pete wanted as that's the only thing he wanted and he's fixated on it because it's of the pair of them and the only copy there is Sad

I'm going to make contact with them, for pete, tomorrow and establish what's happened with the photograph and other personal effects. Fingers crossed I don't get a frosty dismissive reception in light of me not attending but instead making contact in support of Pete getting his dad's photograph.

It is what it is though, if they're rude to me I can handle that. Its just awkwardness.

OP posts:
diddl · 02/01/2020 08:44

How long before his dad died did he find out?

I think that his stance on all this is very odd tbh.

He's obviously in shock, but he should have been there to take any personal belongings if he wants them.

He's being very passive.

If he doesn't care about going then he should admit it, if that's not the case I cannot see at all why he would stay away.

TabbyMumz · 02/01/2020 09:49

"Why are the sisters calling the shots? They aren’t John’s next of kin. Pete is."
I dont understand this comment. All his children are next of kin surely? Or do some people think this only falls to men?

TabbyMumz · 02/01/2020 09:51

How were you like an adopted daughter if you lived 8 hours away? Did you see him regularly?

aroundtheworldyet · 02/01/2020 10:46

@tabbyMumz
They’re johns sisters. Not petes. And she grew up with them. Just because you move away from someone doesn’t mean they’re no longer a surrogate family to you.

Anyway. I hope you get the photo. I’m sure they wouldn’t have thrown it away. People behave very strangely in these situations

TabbyMumz · 02/01/2020 11:00

Yes sorry, I realised after I'd posted that it was his Aunts, not his Sisters. Still, he is still next of kin so could have took over all the arranging if he'd wanted to. I guess he was happy leaving the Aunts to arrange it. I would ask for the photo, then step away. We had a similar thing in our family, a sil saying she was like a daughter (when she wasnt)...and when we asked for photos of our children that our in laws had on the walls, we were told the sil had took them all, which we thought was weird.
OP just do your own thing to remember him, that's what we did. Do your own little service somewhere.

Original poster
feelingbadNY · 02/01/2020 12:08

The picture Pete wanted is safe, he spoke to one of the aunts last night. They've been ignoring him until now and only responded once he threatened legal action about his dad's belongings. They've had an argument but he's told that Aunt 2 has the picture he wants and he's going to make arrangements to get it.

Yes I grew up with them but relocated 3 years ago, I've remained in touch and always would have done. It is John who told his sister's I'm like a daughter to him not me, I've had very little contact with the sisters but been very close to Pete and John throughout my life.

I do think Pete should have done everything in his power to take back control of the situation and go to the funeral but he doesn't feel able to after being told it was his dads wishes that he stays away. I do think he will regret this in time to come unfortunately but I've tried all I can so will respect his decision and support him as best I can.

OP posts:
Original poster
feelingbadNY · 02/01/2020 12:10

The aunt Pete spoke with last night confirmed that the other aunt had definitely been made next of kin by John. I don't know anything about the legalities of such but that is what Pete has been told

OP posts:
TeacupDrama · 02/01/2020 12:27

next of kin if legally written means that person can sign consent forms the hospital will liasise with them over treatment maybe, possibly arrange funeral if the persona agrees maybe a signatory on bank cheques
however in the absence of a will it doesn't alter the way things are inherited under intestate laws nor does it give the right to keep stuff that would belong to Pete
there is no legal definition of next of kin in UK though commonly it means nearest blood relative after a spouse so in John's case this would be Pete anyway
a hospital might ask you to designate a next of kin on arrival John could easily of said my sister "mary" that doesn't make Mary the inheritor of stuff, the sisters by not informing Pete of death and disposing of assets including furniture without consulting Pete are on very sticky ground legally

BatleyTownswomensGuild · 02/01/2020 12:28

I wouldn't go.

I would arrange to meet Pete, maybe with a few other supportive friends, and find another way to commemorate his Dad. Write your own eulogies, play favourite songs and do something meaningful to mark the moment. A funeral is really just a mechanism to pay tribute to someone - who says it has to be in a crematorium or church? Let the family do what they want and you create your own goodbyes....

I'm sorry Pete is going through this. Grief seems to tear some families apart....

TeacupDrama · 02/01/2020 12:29

www.gabyhardwicke.co.uk/news/partner-blog-next-of-kin-what-are-their-legal-rights/

this link summarises the fact that next of kin means very very little

ScouseQueen · 02/01/2020 12:37

a hospital might ask you to designate a next of kin on arrival John could easily of said my sister "mary" that doesn't make Mary the inheritor of stuff

Absolutely this. I acted as medical next of kin for a friend because their family were geographically distant. Didn't make me their heir, that was still the family who remained legally in charge of their affairs.

LemonPrism · 02/01/2020 12:58

Who the fuck wouldn't let him come?? His sisters are being psychos and making a falling out turn into a rift

Margaritatime · 02/01/2020 15:11

OP thanks for the update. I am glad Pete will get the picture as this is what is important to him. You are a good friend listening to what he wants.

TabbyMumz · 02/01/2020 17:06

If it helps op, what we did was go to another church on the day of the funeral and sat there quietly for about 15 mins, thinking of them, then lit candles for our dead relatives, then went for a walk. It was just an alternative way of us doing something, because we didnt go to the funeral.