To not attend the funeral? I'm torn, please advise me

[feelingbadNY]

The father (John) of one of my oldest friends (Pete) has passed away and it's his funeral next week. I thought the world of him and he always referred to me as his adoptive daughter, knowing how close I am to his son. He was a wonderful person and very fatherly towards me.

Unfortunately my friend "Pete" had a falling out with his dad weeks before his passing and as a result, it is alleged that John told his sister's he wouldn't want his son at his funeral if anything were ever to happen to him. He had been unwell but nobody saw it coming anytime soon, it was an untimely death.

John's sisters who are arranging the funeral have said that Pete isn't welcome, although i don't believe for a second John would have wanted him to be pushed out, regardless of what was said in the heat of the moment. He loved his son.

I don't agree with their position and feel it is Pete's right to attend.

Johns sisters have said if Pete goes then they refuse to acknowlege him and he isn't welcome, sadly Pete has agreed to stay away and respect their wishes despite being devastated at not being able to say a final goodbye to his dad.

I however, am invited and encouraged to attend by the rest of the family who say they knew how much John loved me and the kids, and he would have wanted me there.

I feel very torn and worry that if I were to attend, it might cause unintentional resentment from my friend who is already extremely hurt having been cast aside by the family. He is Johns blood relative whereas I'm only a family friend. It feels wrong that I'm there taking on the role of daughter when his biological son is prohibited from attending, when my connection to John is through Pete in the first place.

The funeral is 150 miles away from where I live and I don't drive, I could at a push travel down by train but it'll be very costly (I only work part time at the moment as my two children are under 2) so it will be tight. My eldest child also has additional needs and I do think he would struggle with the long trip there and back, including transfers and busses once we arrive in the city. My DP works FT so is unable to have the children on the day. It would be difficult but I could do it if I make the effort.

With all that in mind, the logical option appears to be that I don't go - but I still feel a sense of obligation out of respect for John.

With all this in mind WIBU to not go?

What would you do, if you were me?

I’d be with Pete. Your obligation to someone who has passed is no as important than someone who is living where you may cause a rift between yourself and someone you really care for. Petes family will need to live with their decision. Support your friend

Why are the sisters arranging it & having any say at all?

Were Pete's mum & dad no longer together?

If it was a petty argument like many previously then what would John have said to his sisters to make them think that Pete shouldn't go, I wonder?

Petes mum hadn't been married to John for many years, they divorced when he was young so she wasn't involved in funeral arrangements.

No idea why the sisters have taken charge, one of them is next of kin so I suppose they felt it their duty as Pete and John weren't talking at the time.

It is alleged that John told his sisters that if anything happened to him then he didn't want Pete at the funeral. He had been unwell but by no means expected to die, he couldn't have known it was going to happen and I truly believe if he did have the benefit of foresight then he would have never said that - if he did.

They argued about daft things like I say it's usually over politics. There was definitely no huge event where Pete had wronged John. It was just disagreements, the pair being stubborn as ox's, exchanging words and after the most recent row John saying that's it he's not talking to him anymore.

Pete has never done anything deserving of being treat this way.

I was asked not to attend the funeral of someone with whom I was very close. I respected it and a good friend went, so I felt ‘represented’.

I wouldn’t take two young kids though

I would go if Pete said me going didn't upset him further (I'd ask Pete about that). Try to keep out of their internal family dispute as much as possible, so probably minimise contact with the sisters, too.

I wouldn't go. John is gone and he isn't going to know who goes to his funeral or not. On the other hand, there is a living person who needs your support and understanding. I would make plans to do something with Pete to honor his father. Personally, I don't think you have to go to a funeral to honour someone's memory. Go somewhere else that is special and make your own memorial to him. Or go and visit his grave after the funeral has been.

Do what YOU feel right doing.

He has passed away, he is none the wiser. Funerals are for the living, not the dead. It won't make any difference to the deceased if you are there or not.

YOU matter here and how you feel about the awkward family situation. I personally would not get involved with family politics, none of them will be thinking reasonably right now and you won't be able to change it.

What a horrible situation, they sound as bad as each other though.

To say to his sisters that he is no longer speaking to his son over something trivial.

I guess that they would now take it to heart?

I haven't spoken to any of the sisters since they called me to tell me about John's passing. 4 weeks ago. Pete however, had to find out from a third party and wasn't given the courtesy of being informed in a tactful way which Im also sad about.

Instead of calling Pete they called me, which I feel tremendously awkward about because it is Pete's business before it is my own.

I asked to be kept in the loop and confirmed I would be attending, i spoke to all three over the phone and they all expressed their absolute wish for me to attend because it's what he would have wanted, but I've heard nothing since.

At the end of the call they said they'd call me again soon but I heard nothing which is understandable, busy sorting the arrangements etc.

They posted the funeral announcement on johns Facebook account so that's how I know when the funeral is. I showed Pete, as he wasn't able to see his dad's page.

Im almost wondering whether I'm even wanted there myself now, as if they have access to John's Facebook account which they do, they'll be able to see me publicly supporting Pete - as I should be.

So I've had no contact since the one telephone call where they asked me to come, saw the funeral announcement on johns Facebook, and then spent the past week feeling stuck between a rock and a hard place because Pete has since been told hes not welcome.

I think I'm going to let my conscience guide me on this one and not attend. It's true that funerals are for the living and I can't get on board with being complicit in hurting my friend. He should be there and if he's not welcome then I stand with him.

I have had a message from johns niece this afternoon who is attending, and is on good terms with Pete. I haven't opened the message yet as I can see from the gist of it that she's asking if I knew that the funeral is coming up and am I going.

I wanted to collect my thoughts and make a decision before responding.

Why are the sisters calling the shots? They aren’t John’s next of kin. Pete is.

Don’t go, support your friend who needs you more than ever. Find a way to celebrate his dads life together at home and visit his grave at another date to say goodbye. His sisters are a disgrace not making him welcome, if I were him I wouldn’t go just to avoid an atmosphere although he has every right to turn up if he wants. It’s about his dad at the end of the day, so what if the sisters are angry or ignore him, he needs to make the right choice before he regrets it. Just be there for him, your loyalties are with him not his sisters.

If Pete is not going, I would also not go but instead would support Pete on the day.

I won't be going. I'm going to stand by Pete as i should and honour johns memory with him.

I opened the message from johns niece she was just letting me know when the funeral was as she didn't know whether I had been told. I thanked her for letting me know and now I'm pondering what to say, to let them know I'm not going to be attending.

If you attending would hurt your friend, then absolutely do not go. John will not know anything about it, Pete may never forget it.

What PPs have said - I'd go and spend the day with Pete. See if he wanted to do anything to mark it with you, or just be there.

Don’t go.

Send a small floral tribute or a money donation and a beautiful card to the family.

Funerals are only for the living and you’ll be supporting all involved equally this way, including yourself.

Honour John by doing something other than the funeral.
Tell the sisters that you had hoped they would come round/see sense in time for the funeral, but now you know they are not, you are not going to go along with them hurting Pete in this way.
Tell Pete, that by you not going to the funeral doesn’t mean you loved John any less and you will find a meaningful way to say goodbye. That you will meet up with him soon.
I’m sorry for your loss.

Johns niece has just told me she only found out the date of the funeral from the Facebook post herself and she doesn't know why the aunts aren't calling anybody.

It seems they were relying on people seeing the post to find out and attend.

I'm unsure how to proceed now in terms of saying I won't be coming. Do i contact the sisters, tell the neice who's online now or do i say nothing and just not go?

I could be honest and tell them I'm supporting Pete and that i don't agree with his treatment or i could take the cowards way out and say I didn't see the post.

I feel bad either way, whatever I chose to do I'm going to look an arse to somebody but I care more about what Pete thinks than johns sister's so I'm sticking to my gut feeling on this one.

I've told Pete I'm not going, just nobody else yet.

Talk it over with Pete and make your decision with him. You could go in the sense that you would be representing him, though only the two of you would need to know that. As to the journey and childcare, perhaps Pete could help you out either by driving you there, or looking after your DC while you are in the funeral. I think if you do not go, you might regret it.

You did not fall out with the deceased, so normally I would say you should go.

The only reason not to would be because of the long journey and difficulty it would bring for your eldest child. It would be an easier journey no doubt were it in the summer, but it is not.

If you were to advise the sisters that sadly the journey would not be possible, and ask whether they would like you to send flowers or make a donation, I hope they would be understanding.

It's all very strange.

If Pete thinks that his dad would have wanted him there then imo he should consider going.

I don't have an address to send a card to the sisters but I could ask for it.

I had no contact with the sisters prior to John's death, Pete was never close to them so naturally we didn't meet through him. John didn't see them that often because they lived in a different part of the UK. Its strange that they would take the reigns with the funeral rather than Pete.

One of the sisters is johns next of kin legally so I suppose it was natural that she would initiate the arrangements.

The Facebook post announcing the funeral did say "donations to" and then johns preferred charity, so I will make a donation to them in John's name.

I think you should speak to Pete. You can honour John's memory in a number of ways. It doesn't have to be the funeral.

Including you and excluding Pete is beyond the pale and designed to hurt. I couldn't do it. You wouldn't even have known John without Pete. Support Pete.