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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To Feel Let Down By In-Laws

152 replies

RebeccaReys · 01/01/2020 12:55

Will try and keep this short!

Recently had a beautiful DS with my DH, who I've been with for over a decade. We lived in London for a while but decided to move outside of LDN when we started a family. We were going back and forth on whether we should move closer to my family (Midlands but still accessible to London for work), or nearer to his in the South East. The South East eventually won, purely because of proximity to London.

We've since moved, but while the house and area is nice, I'm afraid to say that his parents have been a little disappointing so far. My parents are very hands on and are desperate to regularly help with childcare when I go back to work, despite living 60 miles away. His only live five miles down the road, are both retired, and when we asked if they would be happy to look after DS once a week when I head back, their response was a curt "we'll have to think about that". They still haven't agreed to help, five months later.

They can also be very judgemental at times and often will pass on their parenting "nuggets of wisdom" without actively helping. For example they expected to be hosted, cups of tea to be made for them etc in the days after the birth of DS rather than coming over to help, regularly commented that I was spoiling a newborn baby because I attended to his crying quickly (a classic!), and most recently accused me of trapping my DS's hand in his high chair at Christmas in front of the whole family (I didn't).

I can't help but feel resentful about the situation when I know we could have had a lovely supportive family had we moved closer to home, not to mention that we could have afforded a larger place.

I'm aware this is in part down to my DH not having a frank conversation with his parents before we made the decision to move here, but it's now getting to the point where I'm irritated every time they come over, and am starting to try to find ways to actively avoid them. AIBU in feeling peeved, and what would you do in this situation?

OP posts:
Thesuzle · 01/01/2020 12:58

Move again

Poorolddaddypig · 01/01/2020 12:58

YABU at expecting them to provide childcare. He’s your child. YANBU about their stupid ‘spoiling’ comments and expecting to be waited on, although I’d just not wait on them if I didn’t want to and wouldn’t get worked up about it.

Elbeagle · 01/01/2020 12:59

I'm aware this is in part down to my DH not having a frank conversation with his parents before we made the decision to move here

This is the key point really. You can’t just move close to someone on the assumption they are going to help you out, without discussing it with them beforehand!

Poorolddaddypig · 01/01/2020 12:59

I’m also not really sure what the frank comment your DH should have had would have sounded like? ‘Are you going to provide us with free childcare because if not we don’t want to live in your town?’ Confused

Disfordarkchocolate · 01/01/2020 12:59

Some grandparents just don't want to be involved. I don't think you should have moved without all of you having an honest chat though. Even then they might have changed their mind about how involved they want to be. Nothing to stop you moving in the future.

2020BetterBeBetter · 01/01/2020 13:00

I agree about moving again and it sounds like you have different parenting styles so even if they wanted to look after your child, that would probably cause some clashing so maybe this is for the best.

T0tallyFuckedUpFamily · 01/01/2020 13:00

Move towards your parents, OP. I don’t think they should be expected to look after your child, but they do sound quite horrible.

NorthernBirdAtHeart · 01/01/2020 13:01

Unfortunately I I can’t empathise since both my parents emigrated to opposite sides of the world the year their first grandchild was born, and my MIL died before DP and I met.

But, why on earth would you assume that grandparents would happily want to provide weekly free childcare for your child? Whether your parents want to do it or not, you are unreasonable to be peeved at your in-laws for not wanting to commit to that.

As you say, you should have sorted all of this out before you had a child and moved house.

MatildaTheCat · 01/01/2020 13:02

Look, it’s very clear you don’t like them much and they didn’t promise you free childcare, help and involvement, you simply hoped for it. Asking for free childcare is well into CF territory. Their silence is their answer.

Move nearer your parents if you crave all of this sort of grandparenting.

If not try making friends with your in-laws and stop expecting things from them. They might warm up if you form a relationship that’s not based on them not meeting your expectations.

janebee4 · 01/01/2020 13:03

You cannot expect childcare from grandparents, that's really not their job and if they don't want to do it they're perfectly entitled to say so. Should have been a conversation to have with them prior to moving. If you chose the SE purely because of proximity to LDN then you can't really be annoyed with them, it's not like you moved there because they said they would help with childcare and now aren't doing it. However you should feel free to shut down the jibes about your parenting.
It sounds like you're annoyed you don't live nearer to your own family but that's not really your in-laws fault. Could you consider moving?

Disfordarkchocolate · 01/01/2020 13:04

This does make me a bit sad, I grew up close to my Grandad and would love to have a day a week with my granddaughter. No one needs to be judged on their parenting all the time though, that would make me move too.

Ponoka7 · 01/01/2020 13:05

You both should have had the conversation, if you were going to rely on them for childcare.

You're resenting them for a decision you made and that's unfair.

Have you had proper conversations with your own family? If so, then you need to consider moving. If your DP won't, then he needs to do or fund more.

But it shouldn't fall onto your Inlaws.

Selfsettling3 · 01/01/2020 13:05

Yabu to ask if they would look after your child one day a week. You asked they obviously don’t want to which is why they haven’t raise it again.

Original poster
RebeccaReys · 01/01/2020 13:08

It's not so much expecting them to look after DS, but rather we have a lovely set of grandparents who really do want to help - I haven't even had to ask. As you say the conversation should have been had before we moved, and that's our fault - I would never want to force them into doing something they clearly don't want to do.

Moving again is clearly the answer, will just have to wait it out until we can.

OP posts:
AwdBovril · 01/01/2020 13:09

YABU to "expect" them to provide free regular childcare, unless they had specifically agreed to do so.
However, They ABU to expect to be waited on - just don't do it. If you feel you would (all - as a family unit) be happier, closer to your DPs, definitely look at moving again. And I'd be candid with your PILs why, although not rude.

YANBU to wish for a support network. It does sound like the move to your current location benefited everyone but you.

Africa2go · 01/01/2020 13:09

YABU. Presumably the SE works for your commute. Sooner or later, you'll be back at work and will want a reasonable commute. You shouldnt expect regular childcare from your ILs (or from your own parents). Making them a cup of tea when they visit isnt a big deal either.

Sounds like you're picking a fight. Try to relax about them, its hard for everyone involved when there's a rift.

Teachermaths · 01/01/2020 13:12

Why on earth would you move without this discussion first? Absolutely no sympathy from me here.

You can't expect free childcare, move and then ask for it. Total CFery.

fishonabicycle · 01/01/2020 13:12

This expectation that grandparents should give up their time to provide free childcare is really prevalent, and fucking annoying.

Happy2020all · 01/01/2020 13:13

This seems quite common with the OH mans parents. I have the same issue, my MIL doesn't like me and therefore made no effort with my kids. Unfortunately my mum and I aren't close either so my kids have very little in the sense of grandparents.

LagunaBubbles · 01/01/2020 13:15

Grandparents should have close loving relationships and see their GC, this is not the same as assuming they would want to provide childcare. You and your DH have both been very assumptious if you thought this.

Happy2020all · 01/01/2020 13:15

This expectation that grandparents should give up their time to provide free childcare is really prevalent, and fucking annoying.

Not really, you need 2 people working now to afford life, which you didn't 50 years ago.

JosefKeller · 01/01/2020 13:15

YAB massively U

when we asked if they would be happy to look after DS once a week when I head back
that's far too much a commitment if they haven't offered it themselves!

Plus you obviously disagree with raising a baby - which is normal and perfectly fine - why would you want them to look after your child if you have different views?

MarthasGinYard · 01/01/2020 13:15

Yabu

To move with this expectation.

Awful

RedPanda2 · 01/01/2020 13:15

They shouldn't be judgemental about your parenting, but I would take their silence on the subject of childcare as a resounding no. Silly of you both to expect it and then be disappointed when they won't.

user1493413286 · 01/01/2020 13:17

I think it’s difficult when you have two very different sets; my pil are more like your parents while my mum is more like your pil (without the comments). I was expecting it to be that way to be honest and I’ve learnt to accept that both grandparents do what they feel they’re able to and have different expectations around their role. I think it’s really sad as I think it takes a village to raise a child and that grandparents are an important part of that but if that’s not what they want then you can’t do anything about it