To Feel Let Down By In-Laws

[RebeccaReys]

Will try and keep this short!

Recently had a beautiful DS with my DH, who I've been with for over a decade. We lived in London for a while but decided to move outside of LDN when we started a family. We were going back and forth on whether we should move closer to my family (Midlands but still accessible to London for work), or nearer to his in the South East. The South East eventually won, purely because of proximity to London.

We've since moved, but while the house and area is nice, I'm afraid to say that his parents have been a little disappointing so far. My parents are very hands on and are desperate to regularly help with childcare when I go back to work, despite living 60 miles away. His only live five miles down the road, are both retired, and when we asked if they would be happy to look after DS once a week when I head back, their response was a curt "we'll have to think about that". They still haven't agreed to help, five months later.

They can also be very judgemental at times and often will pass on their parenting "nuggets of wisdom" without actively helping. For example they expected to be hosted, cups of tea to be made for them etc in the days after the birth of DS rather than coming over to help, regularly commented that I was spoiling a newborn baby because I attended to his crying quickly (a classic!), and most recently accused me of trapping my DS's hand in his high chair at Christmas in front of the whole family (I didn't).

I can't help but feel resentful about the situation when I know we could have had a lovely supportive family had we moved closer to home, not to mention that we could have afforded a larger place.

I'm aware this is in part down to my DH not having a frank conversation with his parents before we made the decision to move here, but it's now getting to the point where I'm irritated every time they come over, and am starting to try to find ways to actively avoid them. AIBU in feeling peeved, and what would you do in this situation?

I'm sure lots of woman worked int he 1950's, but not to pay the extortionate mortgage

But you said 50 years ago, ie 1970!

Alsohuman

Fair enough , you want to be pedantic.

The point is as you are all making is you have kids....you be responsible.

But the point is you never stop being a parent, so therefore you never get to walk away from them. So when they need help,no matter what their age,you are their parent. And they never st being your child, so hopefully on your death bed you have someone to care for you and hold your hand. Is that not humanity?

So we’re expected to subsume our lives to our children’s needs until we die, whereupon they’ll hold our hand. Fuck that for a game of soldiers. There’s more to life than that.

But the point is you never stop being a parent, so therefore you never get to walk away from them. So when they need help,no matter what their age,you are their parent

Does that go for 30 year olds with toddlers too? Are 30 year old parents responsible for their offspring or should grandparents be on call 24/7 to raise them?

In what version of reality did women have more choices in the 1950s than they do now? Most bizarre. I think you should have just admitted you were talking rubbish when you got called on the pin-money thing. Women have always worked unless their class dictated otherwise.

Yabu to expect them to look after your child and to move with no discussion regarding this beforehand.

Yanbu to resent them for them wanting to be hosted, and all of their comments.

And they never st being your child, so hopefully on your death bed you have someone to care for you and hold your hand. Is that not humanity?

How many 'children' consult their parents and in laws before having a baby? The one that expect regular free child care? If you are assuming their lives will change, as well, and that they are still responsible for you, surely they get a say on when, if and how many?

Or do you believe that someone should decide the time is right for a child themseleves? And how many you have?

Its only fair that everyone whose lives are to be impacted are part of the decision?

Alsohuman
Then maybe you should not have had kids
Scarsthelot
How many parents consult their kids when they need care!

OrangeTwirl
Well yes, before the time of social care the family were the only ones who would take care of their own.

There are going to be a lot of old people who's kids won't help because they didn't ask to be born soon.

What is the silver perspective going to be then?

Alsohuman
Then maybe you should not have had kids

I doubt my son would agree with you. He’s very happy to be independent.

Happy2020 Maybe parents should consider their child care needs before they have children, instead of expecting everyone else to bring them up. There is good reason why over 50's can't have children. They don't have the energy to cope with them all day, every day. If everyone took responsibility for their own decisions the world would be a happier place.

My Dc's were my responsibility. My GC are ultimately the responsibility of my DC. They have plenty of childcare options to choose from.

Most grandparents want to spend time with their GC. There is a huge difference between calling or arranging to see them when convenient for everyone than having to have them 5 full days a week.

Retirement is a time for people to do what they want, when they want. Retirement doesn't mean having every day filled looking after children that other people chose to have.

No parent ditches their DC. That doesn't mean they have to jump hoops for them as and when they shout "jump". Anyone who chooses to have children should be responsible for them. That means PARENT not grandparent.

How many parents consult their kids when they need care!

Needing care isnt a conscious decision. Having kids, is.

Besides which, if elderly only deserve care from their kids if they have earned it. They earned when bring up their own children. That would be like for like. Why would the parent, only be entitled carr from their kids if they bring up their kids and care for the grandkids.

If it's a payment in kind situation, they have already paid.

I do feel for you but you should have checked before deciding. It's surprising how unsupportive family can be but I guess they didn't sign up for another baby. I feel your pain though xx

I dont think OP is being unreasonable, I just think she's coming from a very different family dynamic. My parents are completely child focused and would do anything for them (although I understand that their work comes first) and that is the way my GP are and the my parents are and honestly I remember my dh being amazed one xmas that my mum spent more money and time picking out presents he would love then his parents had ever cared to do (and it's not due to different financial circumstances) where as his parents are considerably more concerned about themselves, what they want, and booze and have always been the same. I would actually never want to leave my DC alone with my pil if I'm honest as due to there attitude towards family and children it makes me uncomfortable whereas I've never had issue with my mum stepping in when me and dh have been struggling (I have to stop all medication during pregancy/bf) and have been more then gracious when my mam has offered to have a sleep over to give us a chance to get our ducks ina row again. Although she lives almost 2 hours away.

My mum growing up was always the primary bread winner and likewise I went through over 8 years of post grad training to enter a career so it's by no means to do with expectations of females and just to do with being complete family oriented as people.

I think you've hit the nail on the head - you should have discussed this before you moved if there was an expectation of the nearer GP doing childcare.

Unfortunately childcare isn't something you can expect. People are different and while some GP love nothing more than looking after their GC for some it really isn't something they are interested in. It is their choice.

The comments would annoy me too. Your DH should speak to them about how unhelpful it is.

Im 46 my youngest is 8 and i have a gs.Who i would absolutley do anything for.

But i wont be doing fulltime childcare.I just dont have the energy for that.Plus i want to go back to work.

Yup,it was called pin money. Not essential to running a home!

No it wasn't pin money, it helped pay towards bills and food. You obviously weren't around at that time.

Also a fair number of men came back from the war with a variety of injuries which precluded them from going back into their old jobs and the wages earned by the women were doubly important to keep the family going then.

I see my older sisters used and abused by their adult children all the time in regard to free childcare. One of them has a holiday home which she rarely gets to use because the children are sent to her, often with no notice whatsoever. This sister lives in an old house with unlevel floors, heavy wooden doors and steps into several of the rooms.The youngest girl is constantly injuring herself by tripping and falling. There's been constant issues with the correct car seats not being left and basically that means my sister is trapped at home with them all day.
My other sister retired at 50 through poor health and bought herself two bull mastiffs who are gentle giants. Since the dogs came there's been no childcare requests whatsoever.

These GPs who now want to enjoy retirement will be becoming frail and elderly at the time when these now baby GC are flying the nest.

What if their children say, at that point, well we've raised our kids for 20 years so now we want to enjoy ourselves!

The GPs might say well we will go into care but the reality is that there are long period before that stage where elderly parents need help to manage at home. The GMs usually find themselves looking after their very frail husbands at home which is an enormous task. They are going to need help and respite with that.

Clearly no GP should have do do childcare five days a week that totally exhausts them.

But on the other hand I do think we should all try to help each other out across the generations.

The difficulty is that it is a regular commitment that most children need. I personally don't think one day a week out of seven is an enormous ask of two healthy people in their 60s.

Why would the parent, only be entitled carr from their kids if they bring up their kids and care for the grandkids.

It's not transactional & obviously depends upon the level care but like in the example I gave upthread my mums neighbour is now getting to the stage where she is struggling with certain household things & some minor ailments. Her son moved 180 miles away as they couldn't afford London prices & childcare. He can't see her every weekend.

But on the other hand I do think we should all try to help each other out across the generations.

Exactly

The GPs might say well we will go into care but the reality is that there are long period before that stage where elderly parents need help to manage at home

You can choose to move into a care home whenever you like if you’re self funding. My aunt chose her care home, sold her flat and moved in when she felt unsafe living alone. She didn’t need any help to stay at home. We don’t all get very old and frail, if we’re lucky cancer or a heart attack or stroke sees us on our way long before that.

I haven’t read all the comments but I disagree with the vast majority of them. When did we move away from having a supportive “community” to help raise the next generation? My mum has my gran to help her (both in fact) and now I’m lucky enough to have both my family and my OHs mum willing to pitch in to help. We don’t take it for granted and we appreciate it but it is bloody hard raising kids without added support. We are becoming a very isolated society, placing our own needs above those of others especially those that need help during times of need. I get your disappointment, but maybe look outside your PIL for mutual support, let them fit in around you not the other way around. X

I think there are many grandparents like this and I agree, tho less about childcare and more about wanting family time, if you can be near supportive family who want to spend time together, that's best.

As for childcare, I always thought I'd be the type who happily provided free chlidcare for my grandchildren. While I'm nowhere near an age where that's in the forseeable future (and my dc are still younger and have hopefully many years ahead before parenthood) seeing how often this comes up on MN and seeing a couple of older friends navigate this, as well as seeing how tired I am as I'm turning 40 this year, I can honestly say I'd be very hesitant. Despite the fact I love babies, toddlers and children, always wanted a large family etc. I think it's just if you've worked and parented, retirement is the only time in your life you can be free of commitments. Something I dream of! I share this only to say I don't think grandparents not wanting to provide care while parents work isn't necessarily selfish. Doesn't meant they can't be loving and engaged grandparents tho and do ad-hoc baby-sitting while you go out for date nights, or during illness when dc unable to go to nursery etc.