To Feel Let Down By In-Laws

[RebeccaReys]

Will try and keep this short!

Recently had a beautiful DS with my DH, who I've been with for over a decade. We lived in London for a while but decided to move outside of LDN when we started a family. We were going back and forth on whether we should move closer to my family (Midlands but still accessible to London for work), or nearer to his in the South East. The South East eventually won, purely because of proximity to London.

We've since moved, but while the house and area is nice, I'm afraid to say that his parents have been a little disappointing so far. My parents are very hands on and are desperate to regularly help with childcare when I go back to work, despite living 60 miles away. His only live five miles down the road, are both retired, and when we asked if they would be happy to look after DS once a week when I head back, their response was a curt "we'll have to think about that". They still haven't agreed to help, five months later.

They can also be very judgemental at times and often will pass on their parenting "nuggets of wisdom" without actively helping. For example they expected to be hosted, cups of tea to be made for them etc in the days after the birth of DS rather than coming over to help, regularly commented that I was spoiling a newborn baby because I attended to his crying quickly (a classic!), and most recently accused me of trapping my DS's hand in his high chair at Christmas in front of the whole family (I didn't).

I can't help but feel resentful about the situation when I know we could have had a lovely supportive family had we moved closer to home, not to mention that we could have afforded a larger place.

I'm aware this is in part down to my DH not having a frank conversation with his parents before we made the decision to move here, but it's now getting to the point where I'm irritated every time they come over, and am starting to try to find ways to actively avoid them. AIBU in feeling peeved, and what would you do in this situation?

I understand how you feel. It’s not so much about wanting free childcare but a solid family unit that help and support each other. People moan and can’t understand when new families want to spent time just together saying it’s ‘twee’ or whatever this Mumsnet saying is,,,, but yet once your kids grow up and you wanna spend time by yourself and not with family it’s perfectly acceptable 🤔 plus no wonder there is an epidemic among old people needed care homes etc ... I wouldn’t wanna help a parent who’s attitude is my kids are grown my parenting days are done.... correct. But having a grandchild every now and then isn’t parenting is it.... I get you OP. I’d move if I were you

. (I do have kids ranging from adults to primary school age though so think I've more than put my years in). @Bloomburger what an awful way to think of parenting 🤔 put your years in.... glad you aren’t my mum

YABU. I’ve spent half my life looking after children I don’t think I’ll want to do it again if I have grandchildren.

NC4this123 I'm merely trying to get across that I have had small children for more years than most due to huge age gaps. Me time or me and DH time would be nice.

@Bloomburger I look forward to that too, but I don’t see how having a grandchild one day a week would stop that

This expectation that grandparents should give up their time to provide free childcare is really prevalent, and fucking annoying

^This!

Why on earth should we, as grandparents, be presumed to be willing to spend our precious time looking after small children? As parents, we've already been there, done it and bought several T-shirts! Now our children are adults, it is our time to be free of the commitments of bringing up children.

Parents of young children seem not to realise how exhausting looking after young children is for older people. We may only be in a our early 60s, but both DH and I have health issues that we didn't have 20 years ago and we simply don't have the same amount of energy as we had in our 40s.

Occasional babysitting = no problem.
Sleep-overs in the school holidays = no problem.
Dropping everything to help out in an emergency = of course, no problem.
A regular childcare commitment = no thank you!

This expectation that grandparents should give up their time to provide free childcare is really prevalent, and fucking annoying

This ^^

I have my grandchildren for my Dc's to work. It started off as one day a week each. Both Dc's extended their days so I have gone from having GC two days a week to 4 days a week. I was asked today if I could have DGD another day. So now I am expected to give up meeting my friends, give up my art class, give up my dance class, give up my free time - every week day ...in fact give up everything because my DC think my GC are priority?

I love my GC but I have brought up my own DC. Now is my time to have some time for me. I have no problem with helping out with child care for my GC. I am resentful about my being expected to be happy about it taking over my life.

Aghh they sound like my parents. Quick to tell you what to do. No offers of help and in those early days did nothing to help me. I'm almost 5 years into being a mum. I have two kids now. My in laws live an hour away. They dote on their daughters child who's the same age as mine. They sometimes help us. Maybe once or twice a year. They have had my child for two sleepovers buy tbh they let the other grandkid around and she is very territorial due to being with them all the time.

It hurts and it's frustrating when you feel alone. You wish you had a hands on support I've grandparent. The school gates t my child's school are lined with grandparents helping out. Sometimes when my head's pounding or my toddler is sick I wonder what it would be like to have someone to step in.

You could speak to your oh. Although he might defend his parents. Discuss moving back?

In my case I just get on with it. I'd never expect mine to have my child every week. I just wish they invested more time in them as in invited for tea, a walk to the park, calling round to see us. It won't ever happen. I do feel sad for my kids as they won't ever have that relationship with their grandparents. I wanted that for them so much.

Alot of people will say you are being unreasonable but I get it. It's nice to feel you have the village. Some of us but don't get to have one unfortunately x

happy

A lot of double income parents don't need the money neither, but it's not pin money it's a full salary.
£200 handbags aren't essential for your dc.
Not saying both shouldn't work, but it's rarely all needed for essentials.

I’m also not really sure what the frank comment your DH should have had would have sounded like? ‘Are you going to provide us with free childcare because if not we don’t want to live in your town?’

😂😂😂😂😂😂😂

39OrangeTwirl you are being completely taken advantage of! I think you're going to have to take a deep breath and put your foot down.
It's time for you to decide how much, if any, childcare you're prepared to commit to. If it were my decision to make, I would say that I'm happy to do it occasionally but can't make a regular commitment.

You owe it to yourself to reclaim your life. Let your DCs bring up their own children! Or let them pay for childcare if they can't be at home themselves.

I get what you’re saying. When you imagine what life could be like and what it is like, I can see why you’d feel disappointed. Not that it’s your PIL’s fault, but that it could be easier when you go back to work and would be lovely for you to see a close relationship develop between your parents and your DC.

Looking past your expectation of (or maybe just hope for) free childcare, your in-laws' general attitude toward child-rearing and their unpleasantness toward you, I don't blame you for finding them annoying and thinking about how different things could've been.

Before you put in the expense and effort of moving again (whenever that's possible), I'd try to look at all aspects of a life in the other area. Your parents will be closer and will likely wish to help with your children, but you never know when fate will intervene and possibly change their ability to provide childcare. Are the area's other "qualifications" sufficient to make the move a good idea, setting aside the proximity to your parents?

YABU. What's all this 'help' you need? Childcare is boring and restrictive, even for GP, and I certainly wouldn't be putting myself out to facilitate my DD going back to work. That's what nurseries and childminders are for.
My DM lived ten minutes away. We went one month to the next without seeing her and in 13 years my DC never had a sleepover. She preferred to be shopping and on holiday and tbh it's a lot more appealing than nappies and the school run in your retirement. Be beholden to nobody.
orange just say no. My DM did. Perfectly possible.

• given your in-law's general attitude, blah blah blah, I don't blame you. Not looking past that as well.

I can understand why you're disappointed, but childcare isn't a given. My ILs live nearer than my parents and it would be great if they were as willing as mine, and initially I was a bit annoyed, but then they both run their own businesses, so I appreciated they want to do things only on their own terms.

Might it also be they're not keen to be involved with a little baby? MIL didn't really want to do much with them at all until the kids were a bit older, she just didn't want to do 'baby stuff' again, which is understandable. Might your ILs be a bit more willing once DS is a bit bigger?

orangejust say no. My DM did. Perfectly possible

I've said, "No". Two days a week - spending time with DGC from 2 Dc's is fantastic!

Two days is enough! Dc's can post on MN, calling me everything because I 'won't help with DGC" That's fine. I don't care... I agreed to have them an extra day a week in the run up to Christmas (so DC could work extra hours to afford presents for DGC). It won't be continuing into the New Year believe me.

NC4forthis123 it never stops at just one day. It'll be if the child is sick or they need to go away or need to increase work hours and I'm just not willing to do that. I don't want to. I'm older than all of my friends who have children of the same age and it's bloody exhausting having a small child as you get older.

Anyway that's how I feel and I don't need to explain to anyone or be upset that someone sees me as someone they wouldn't want to be their mother.

I want to move to a posh barn conversion in the deepest countryside and do naked yoga (wearing a bra or maybe getting a boob job!)

Sounds like my PIL. I had a baby 2 months ago and it took them 3 weeks to meet him! And they live along the same road as us! They are selfish and unsupportive. I wouldn’t even consider asking about childcare because I know there’s no way! My family are 100miles away and I have to tell them to stay home they want to help so much!

I guess yes be disappointed but either move or expect very little

their response was a curt "we'll have to think about that". They still haven't agreed to help, five months later

I imagine they assume that you’ve got the message by now.

AIBU in feeling peeved

Yes. YABVVU and actively avoiding them because you are peeved they won’t provide free childcare is bloody rude.

Bloomburger. I'll join you in the Barn Conversion and braless yoga!

Yes exactly, what was originally agreed on is never enough. Dc's can't understand why GP's don't want to be running around, entertaining little children, all day everyday. Yet, DC seem to have no problem leaving childcare to others (if it's free, of course). . Somehow lack of free childcare is all MIL's fault! 🙄

Yup,it was called pin money. Not essential to running a home!
Perhaps in your family. Not in most.

Yup,it was called pin money. Not essential to running a home!

Seriously? My grandmother (now 90) was the head nurse at a children’s hospital. Pretty sure she didn’t do it for ‘pin money’.

This isn't your PILs problem. I'm presuming they didn't ask you to move closer to them?
Some grandparents are very keen to be involved in the day-to-day, with the nitty-gritty, whereas others are more of the "visit for a few hours and hand the baby back when it cries/needs changing". I think it also has an impact on whether those now-grandparents got any day to day help with THEIR babies back in the day.

I'd take their silence on the request for childcare as a resounding "NO" and don't raise it again. If they change their mind, they'll let you know.

They shouldn't be commenting on your parenting, that's not okay, but that's a husband problem to solve. Not you.

By the time I retire I will be 67. At 67 I might be fit and healthy and want to travel, garden, charity work etc. Seven years later I will be 74 - both my parents, grand parents and aunts and uncles had sadly passed away by this age or were very frail. If I was retiring at 52 or even 60 I might consider helping with childcare on a regular basis but retiring at 67 sorry no - I have cruises to catch.