To Feel Let Down By In-Laws

[RebeccaReys]

Will try and keep this short!

Recently had a beautiful DS with my DH, who I've been with for over a decade. We lived in London for a while but decided to move outside of LDN when we started a family. We were going back and forth on whether we should move closer to my family (Midlands but still accessible to London for work), or nearer to his in the South East. The South East eventually won, purely because of proximity to London.

We've since moved, but while the house and area is nice, I'm afraid to say that his parents have been a little disappointing so far. My parents are very hands on and are desperate to regularly help with childcare when I go back to work, despite living 60 miles away. His only live five miles down the road, are both retired, and when we asked if they would be happy to look after DS once a week when I head back, their response was a curt "we'll have to think about that". They still haven't agreed to help, five months later.

They can also be very judgemental at times and often will pass on their parenting "nuggets of wisdom" without actively helping. For example they expected to be hosted, cups of tea to be made for them etc in the days after the birth of DS rather than coming over to help, regularly commented that I was spoiling a newborn baby because I attended to his crying quickly (a classic!), and most recently accused me of trapping my DS's hand in his high chair at Christmas in front of the whole family (I didn't).

I can't help but feel resentful about the situation when I know we could have had a lovely supportive family had we moved closer to home, not to mention that we could have afforded a larger place.

I'm aware this is in part down to my DH not having a frank conversation with his parents before we made the decision to move here, but it's now getting to the point where I'm irritated every time they come over, and am starting to try to find ways to actively avoid them. AIBU in feeling peeved, and what would you do in this situation?

These threads never end well OP, no one ever agrees when you expect childcare. Are they retired?

I get where you are coming from OP as both of my DP's are dead and would have been brilliant with my DS who is severely disabled and requires full time care.

Dh's parents who are still very much around have never even had DS for half an hour never mind a full day, nor has his aunties and uncles on DH's side.

That is in 14, almost 15 years. However, we made the decision that I would give up my career and become his full time carer.

It hurts both DH and I that my parents would have loved to help and can't and that his don't give a toss, but we were the ones who had DS not them, so learned very early on to suck it up.

Even if DS had been born without his challenges I wouldn't have expected childcare, it would have been lovely, but not expected.

Move back nearer to your parents, that's what I would do.

I hate to say it but YOU decided to have a child and YOU decided to move near to these people. I’m sure they are happily enjoying their retirement, they finished raising children years ago and now this is their time to enjoy as they please. You assumed they’d want to look after your child for free, you shouldn’t have made this assumption. You should have moved closer to your own family, it’s always easier to deal with your own family than the in laws, plus you’d have company on maternity leave.

After I had our children I didn’t expect people to come around and cook or clean for us, we’d had a baby not lost the ability to function. Makes me laugh how people think that having a baby somehow makes you unable to do anything, men get paternity leave for 2 weeks now, if 2 of you can’t manage to make a brew and watch a newborn (that do precisely nothing only feed) god help you when you have a toddler!

If the in laws make comments tell them to stop. I’m sure you would with your own parents.

*This expectation that grandparents should give up their time to provide free childcare is really prevalent, and fucking annoying.

Not really, you need 2 people working now to afford life, which you didn't 50 years ago.*

Of course it is annoying and often not practical to expect support. I am a grandparent and still need us both to work full time to afford life. Affordability isn't just about the 'young'.

Hi OP

Sorry I do think YABU to feel let down. It sounds like you were expecting them to look after your child one day every week saving you thousands of pounds a year and it wasnt really a fair question if you were expecting a certain answer if that makes sense. It's a massive commitment. And like a PP said I think it's the kind of thing that people can offer but that's rude to ask. A bit like wedding contributions or house deposits - its lovely when parents help with these things but is kind of cheeky to ask if they have a spare £25k to help you buy a house.

Also you said the primary reason you moved is because of proximity to London so presumably if youd moved to the Midlands, one of you would have had a massive commute?

YANBU to be pissed off at their criticisms of your parenting but again you must have known they were like this before you moved closer to them. And YANBU to be disappointed if they don't want to see your child much or be in their life as grandparent relationships can be wonderful (even without regular childcare)

OP, I agree with PP who say that you shouldn't have expected childcare (which to be fair you've admitted in replies). I have a question that I've not seen broached so far... if you Do move closer to your parents, how will you be able to commute into London for your job/s?

It’s not your dh parents responsibility to provide childcare, it looks like they don’t want to. If your parents are happy to then fine, could they do two days and stay overnight?

YABU to expect anyone other that you, your dh or professional childcare to take care of your child

Accept that you made the wrong moving decision. Best plan as pp have said is to correct that and move again before you get stuck in this groove. They don't sound like the nicest of people but they are not obliged to help with childcare and you've been presumptuous on that score. Luckily for you the option of your own parents is there.

When you are young, maybe 20s or 30s and you have a child, or children, hard though it often is, you have the energy to care for them.

You don’t know, can’t know, how you will feel in 20 or 30 years time. Whether you would want the responsibility or have the energy. You don’t know because you aren’t at that stage.

Has it occurred to you that your in laws might simply not feel they’re able to offer childcare. They may be fit and well, but they’re older and the years do take their toll.

I didn’t have childcare and always said that I would be a hands on grandparent. I have done some childcare, but now I certainly wouldn’t commit to anything regularly, simply because I don’t have the energy for a small child.

Please consider that you aren’t at the same life stages. Maybe your parents are younger, more able to run around after a toddler and then decide whether you should move to their area, so you can have the childcare you need.

You are not being unreasonable to want to move again closer to a better support network.

Your DH's parents are not being unreasonable either.

So I get your predicament but I don't think it's fair to blame or be angry at them.

I would imagine many would offer childcare when they live too far away to be considered
Your child, you take care of them. There are plenty nurseries or you could even sah and care for your own child yourself.

Them wanting to be waited on simply wouldn't have happened if you had told them to not visit so soon.
Grow a backbone and say what you want/ to your dh who seems to be missing in all this?

I'm confused as to why you would want them to offer when you don't agree with their parenting views, surely you want it done to your taste.

Expecting free childcare is the height of cf, move to midlands, cheaper house then you won't have to work and can raise your own child, rather than expecting others to.

Massive cf expecting childcare. Lots of us don’t have this luxury. You can be upset with yourselves for not having the conversation before choosing where to live.

Not really, you need 2 people working now to afford life, which you didn't 50 years ago.

Absolute rubbish. Some people do depending on their lifestyle choices, others don't, depending on their lifestyle choices
That's just a cop out and weird justification, I'm afraid.

Setting the child care aside, if you get on really well with your family and not so well with Dh's family then why on earth did you move to be closer to Dh's family?

I'm also confused why you moved because you wanted to start a family, but you never had a conversation with either family about who might be willing to help with child care.

If you're now 'starting to try to find ways to actively avoid' your inlaws and you're happy with your family providing childcare then surely the sensible thing to do would be to move closer to your family and further away from your inlaws.

If you can make job/commute work, and really want the 3-generation family support model, then move. It could be wonderful for everyone.

If you do move, make sure that you remain nearby to be available to give your parents extra support if they need it as they age; it will be the opportunity for payback.

The South East eventually won, purely because of proximity to London.

So it wasnt purely for proximity to London. It was because you also assumed they would provide childcare.

Why would you live without asking them this first?

If the move to be closer to them was associated with them helping you out with childcare then I would have had the discussion with them myself and not left it to dh ot at least been present for it. Yabu to expect them to give up a day a week to commit to regular childcare. I understand wholeheartedly how it feels to live away from your parents when they will bend over backwards to help take care of their grandchildren compared to grandparents who you live much closer to yet will not offer and have to be asked. I hope that if I am lucky to live near grandchildren I will want to help as much as I feel able too but everyone is different.

I would move again when you are able.

You’re BU to feel “let down” when your expectations in the first place were so unreasonable.

Frankly a day a week childcare is a massive ask. I wouldn’t have the cheek to ask family to do that unless they were offering regular childcare.

You and your DH were very silly to move without getting these issues clear.

Just move up to the midlands.

I hope my DC don't think I'm not a lovely GP because I have absolutely no intention of signing up to look after their children on a regular basis in my advancing years. 😬

I really hate the attitude that after we've raised our children we should then commit to being a larger part in their children's life than we want to be. I'm sure I'll love my grandchildren but I'll love having, peace and quiet, money and time just with DH doing the things we can't do whilst we have our kids at home, more. (I do have kids ranging from adults to primary school age though so think I've more than put my years in).

As for the advice, you just need to gently tell them that you're raising your child the way you want and you'd appreciate them keeping their ideas to themselves.

It's funny, you want them to sign up to having your kid but then have issues about how they don't agree with your parenting. If they did agree you'd be on here moaning about their way of rearing your child when it is with them.

OP, I would move - before your DS gets to 'applying for school' age, preferably.

Not exactly the same, but I met my DP at university, and he and I decided where to settle by drawing a line from my parents to his (either sides of the country) and halfway between them, we settled and got jobs and a mortgage. I had DS and had to put him in childcare. By the time I had DD we decided to sell up and move near my DM so she could look after the kids when I went back to work. I haven't regretted it and the kids have got to know their family a lot better.

YABU. it's very presumptuous of you to expect your in-laws to change their lives to look after your child. You say how keen your parents are, I wonder if they would feel the same way if they were expected to do it every week.

Not really, you need 2 people working now to afford life, which you didn't 50 years ago.

This is not true, I was a child of the late 1940s/50s and plenty of women worked.

This was bad decision making all round on your side.

When we were looking at buying a house we could have bought a gorgeous place 5 bed detached mortgage free 😍 near DPs parent and commuted into London.
We went to visit with this in mind and one weekend trip up there to visit and it didn't even need discussion: we immediately stopped looking on rightmove.
They are nice and they can be generous but on very specific terms and tend to only think of things in relation to themselves. They offer literally no practical help and are for want of a better explanation "takers".
My mum lived the opposite side of London and we ended up moving much closer to her. We have a much more relaxed/familial relationship and she offers a tonne of practical support.

Neither of us have any regrets including DP. I am super happy we made this move pre kids.

In your shoes I'd move again

There is no guarantee that if you'd moved closer to your parents that they would have provided the level of child care you're expecting (MN is full of thread of people who's parents were very keen to offer childcare until it came down to it). There is also no guarantees that they will be prepared or able to to offer childcare to a toddler as opposed to a baby as it becomes more full on and tiring for them (MN again full of these threads). The only reason to move is because you want to.

I would suggest that you should be careful what you wish for. You've said that your PIL are judgemental about your parenting. If they have a hands on role in looking after your DS, you'll get far more of those unsolicited comments from them.

My DM has always been far too busy with her own work (she runs a Christian charity working in Africa, and still spends 3 months a year in Africa at 80 years old), and she's never done more than occasional babysitting for our DDs, who are now 10 and 7, as well as family holidays and special events. Tbh, she would have driven me crazy with her 'helpful advice', if she'd had more of a role.

Since your parents are keen to help, could you move closer to them? But I do think you might well be happier with paid childcare, as they won't make comments about your parenting, as they won't be around.

Silvery
This is not true, I was a child of the late 1940s/50s and plenty of women worked.

Yup,it was called pin money. Not essential to running a home!