To Feel Let Down By In-Laws

[RebeccaReys]

Will try and keep this short!

Recently had a beautiful DS with my DH, who I've been with for over a decade. We lived in London for a while but decided to move outside of LDN when we started a family. We were going back and forth on whether we should move closer to my family (Midlands but still accessible to London for work), or nearer to his in the South East. The South East eventually won, purely because of proximity to London.

We've since moved, but while the house and area is nice, I'm afraid to say that his parents have been a little disappointing so far. My parents are very hands on and are desperate to regularly help with childcare when I go back to work, despite living 60 miles away. His only live five miles down the road, are both retired, and when we asked if they would be happy to look after DS once a week when I head back, their response was a curt "we'll have to think about that". They still haven't agreed to help, five months later.

They can also be very judgemental at times and often will pass on their parenting "nuggets of wisdom" without actively helping. For example they expected to be hosted, cups of tea to be made for them etc in the days after the birth of DS rather than coming over to help, regularly commented that I was spoiling a newborn baby because I attended to his crying quickly (a classic!), and most recently accused me of trapping my DS's hand in his high chair at Christmas in front of the whole family (I didn't).

I can't help but feel resentful about the situation when I know we could have had a lovely supportive family had we moved closer to home, not to mention that we could have afforded a larger place.

I'm aware this is in part down to my DH not having a frank conversation with his parents before we made the decision to move here, but it's now getting to the point where I'm irritated every time they come over, and am starting to try to find ways to actively avoid them. AIBU in feeling peeved, and what would you do in this situation?

and when we asked if they would be happy to look after DS once a week when I head back, their response was a curt "we'll have to think about that". They still haven't agreed to help, five months later

Well obviously you have your answer.

I also think this should be something that is offered to you. Not something you should ask of someone.

It's a big commitment and maybe they thought it was more than they would like to take on.

You will just have to move when you can.

Just because your child is the centre of your universe doesn’t mean he’s the centre of anyone else’s, just because they are grandparents doesn’t make them an exception.

If you like your house and the area and the commute is better for work then I wouldn’t move.

Sorry OP, as previous posters have pointed out, you should have asked about childcare before you moved, and they don't have to do childcare if they don't want to. Not doing it, doesn't mean they love their grandchild less either.

I do agree that they shouldn't be commenting negatively on how you raise your child. Things were different back in the day though, my eldest is 36 now, and in those days, you started weaning with baby rice at 3-4 months, for instance, so they'll be going on how they raised your DH. They should accept that advice has changed since then though.

They also shouldn't expect to be waited on hands and foot so soon after either, although I'm sure your DH could make them a cup of tea when they come round.

Perhaps you should look at moving again, to be nearer your parents, but even if they want to do regular childcare for you, remember that it's a very big ask of someone, to commit to that week in, week out.

Move again to be closer to your parents, so that they're not travelling 60 miles each way. When the inlaws ask why you're moving, just explain that you need to be closer to childcare.

Move nearer your folks but be prepared for them to be put out by this. Some people just want things there way or the highway and there is no amount of reasoning (Forcing their unsolicicted advice on you).
Best to see this now and do what works for you.

Happy2020 then you factor in cost of childcare when planning to have a child. That’s what we had to do. Nearest GPs lived 2 hours away so having free childcare on tap wasn’t an option anyway.

What’s going to happen with the next generation when retirement ages are going up and both GF and GMs are having to work?

@Happy2020all, we don't know what age the GPS are. What's going to happen in ten years time, when every GP has to work because there is no early retirement?

The OP and her DP should have considered all if the circumstances before ttc.

I say that as a Nan who does provide childcare, but one of my NY resolutions is to cut back on the childcare I do so my DD can have a social life, because at present, I don't have one thanks to childcare expectations.

They didn't consult me when they ttc their second.

You can't just expect people to provide free childcare because they're related to you and live nearby! If you do need childcare then pay for it, find a childminder or nursery place. This also stops any criticism from inlaws about your parenting decisions as they're not directly involved. Don't invite people to have any assumed leverage over you, no later how well-meant.

Why would you want them to provide childcare when they would evidently resent doing so? I wouldn’t want to leave a of mine child with them.

I see this type of grandparent and, though they are not the usual kind, the child concerned is clearly having a miserable time of it, never taken to groups unless under duress from parents and grumbled at for the slightest excuse.

I stress: this is not typical of grandparents, just a few who were obviously guilt tripped into doing it. Reluctant, resentful childcarers never work out.

Move back to your own parents: it seems like the best solution for you.

I wouldn’t want to leave my baby with anyone who wasn’t 100% committed and happy to do it. You should have looked into this before the move but you know that now. The only option is to move again or pay for childcare.

YABU. You moved because of it's proximity to London and then expected them to help out without even asking them! That's massively entitled.

After 5 months of silence, I think you should really take it as a "no" on the childcare, OP . Get the hint! They don't want to. They've done their child-rearing and want to do their own thing and not have that sort of commitment anymore. Which is a bugger from your point of view if you moved near them thinking they'd help. Bonkers not to have had an open conversation about it when you were debating where to move.

Why are you so desperate for childcare? I can't really get my head around why your views of your parents in law centre so fixedly on that? You seem hugely resentful of them and quite intolerant.

It also sounds as if you'll move just to get childcare from your parents who are willing to provide it. What if their circumstances change?

Also.. where does your husband figure in this chess game?

Yabu and a massive CF.
Your sense of entitlement is awful. Why do you have this idea they should be desperate to provide you with childcare. I take it that you are someone that views a gp providing childcare should be something they must be grateful for.
Absolutely CF of you.

I think the mistake was your in not establishing what level of support they were willing to give before moving. What you're asking for (one day a week) is much more than most grandparents would feel comfortable with. My mum is a fit, active 65 year old but she definitely wouldn't be up for that much childcare. She'd find it exhausting.

You don’t sound like you like them very much. Irritated with them because you feel they should be doing what suits you because of a choice you made no wonder they haven’t replied.

When we decide to become parents we know it comes with responsibilities that are ours alone. Expecting every one else to provide free childcare/babysitting is very entitled. Surely we live close to family to see them and continue relationships, not for how much they will provide.

You really need to let go of the resentment of them, tho - unless they were begging you to move closer to them so that they could help with childcare beforehand.

You may be justified in being peeved with your DH if he led you to believe they would help.

But being ratty with the in-laws is unjustifiable. And some family expect hosting or are actually worried about stepping on toes if they help themselves - it may simply be a case of different dynamics/social expectations.

You are being unreasonable to expect them to be something they are clearly not. Just because your family behave a certain way, doesn't mean everyone will. I am blessed with my mother. She is fabulous to each of her 14 grandchildren.

My inlaws on the other hand have never ever taken care of our kids. They don't want to and are not expected to, because we know they don't want to.

You moved closer to his parents moreso for convenience to work. Just because it is convenient to work doesn't mean your inlaws should take on childcare. Just because your parents do, doesn't mean his parents will.

You are dealing with 2 different families. Adjust your expectations accordingly.

Ponoka good for you, hope you stick to that New Years resolution.

I see plenty of grandparents who are expected to be on call for childcare regardless of how they feel about it or the sacrifices in their own life they have to make. So much entitlement sadly.

Move, you’ll be happier! Helpful grandparents are worth their weight in gold!!!

My PIL live 0.5 miles away (I've measured!) and did not help out with childcare when DC were little. Now they are slightly older they will have one or other or both for a short while if I ask and if it's an emergency - ie if usual nanny is on holiday or babysitter can't be found. They are busy people who love their grandchildren but also love their retirement and their friends and are tired out looking after small children. It's their look out.

YABU.

Your parents sound lovely! I’d be heartbroken in your situation if I’d moved miles to be near in-laws that proved to be uninterested and unhelpful.

You would only be entitled to be heartbroken if the inlaws had influenced your decision to move closer to them with the promise of help.

I wouldn't have moved closer to my in-laws because I know even if we lived next door I couldn't have depended on them for help.

I would just nursery or a childminder sorted.You cant expect GPs to give up their life to look after gc.They have done their bit raising their own kids.

What is it with people expecting grandparents to look after their children? Your child, your responsibility.