To Feel Let Down By In-Laws

[RebeccaReys]

Will try and keep this short!

Recently had a beautiful DS with my DH, who I've been with for over a decade. We lived in London for a while but decided to move outside of LDN when we started a family. We were going back and forth on whether we should move closer to my family (Midlands but still accessible to London for work), or nearer to his in the South East. The South East eventually won, purely because of proximity to London.

We've since moved, but while the house and area is nice, I'm afraid to say that his parents have been a little disappointing so far. My parents are very hands on and are desperate to regularly help with childcare when I go back to work, despite living 60 miles away. His only live five miles down the road, are both retired, and when we asked if they would be happy to look after DS once a week when I head back, their response was a curt "we'll have to think about that". They still haven't agreed to help, five months later.

They can also be very judgemental at times and often will pass on their parenting "nuggets of wisdom" without actively helping. For example they expected to be hosted, cups of tea to be made for them etc in the days after the birth of DS rather than coming over to help, regularly commented that I was spoiling a newborn baby because I attended to his crying quickly (a classic!), and most recently accused me of trapping my DS's hand in his high chair at Christmas in front of the whole family (I didn't).

I can't help but feel resentful about the situation when I know we could have had a lovely supportive family had we moved closer to home, not to mention that we could have afforded a larger place.

I'm aware this is in part down to my DH not having a frank conversation with his parents before we made the decision to move here, but it's now getting to the point where I'm irritated every time they come over, and am starting to try to find ways to actively avoid them. AIBU in feeling peeved, and what would you do in this situation?

Jesus who'd be the in-laws?
If you don't provide free childcare we'll move across the country to someone who does...
I have only boys, I dread this attitude.

Really doesn’t make them bad people for not wanting to commit to childcare. They have worked presumably all their lives and raised your DH and any other siblings, and once retirement comes it brings with it opportunities to be able to travel maybe or do hobbies or activities they couldn’t fit in previously. Why would they want to have all the work and grind of looking after DCs again? Because you might think it wonderful but the reality is that young children can be very hard work, especially for someone who is older.

It seems that their crimes are :

Not wanting to look after your DS every week.
Expecting a cup of tea when they visit rather than 'helping'.
Give you unwanted parenting advice.

I think you're being incredibly unfair. Most grandparents offer 'in my day' advice but it probably wouldn't bother you if it was your own mum. You'd nod and smile, or tell her not to be so daft, or tell her that you might try it sometime with no intention of doing so.

Expecting free childcare and other help is a bit rich really, especially as it wasn't discussed beforehand.

I assume there were other reasons to move to the SE, and that it wasn't just a popularity contest between grandparents, so focus on those benefits instead.

If you don't provide free childcare we'll move across the country to someone who does...

Yep. But also dont offer to provide it because thats over stepping boundaries. And be perfectly ok with your dils family being put first on every occasion.

It often seems like grandparents cant win.

Move, be nearer your parents. You’ll have a bigger house, more room and be happy nearer your hands on parents.

whatever you do don't move to be near your parents, expecting that they'll provide free childcare without having a full and frank discussion with them about it- they may well say they are keen in the abstract, knowing it won't actually happen.

Why do so many people assume grandparents want to do regular childcare! Many do it - great! But if they don't want to do it that's their right and at the end of the day it's your kid! You chose to have the kid and presumably you worked out if you could afford the kid and childcare. If you didn't work that out beforehand that's your fault. But grandparents are absolutely not obliged to pick up your childcare responsibilities on a regular basis if they don't want to. And... it doesn't matter if they are retired or "don't have a reasonable excuse" they are allowed to just say no because simply they don't want to do it.

YABU.

You presumed you would be getting free childcare and now your annoyed they basically don’t want to do it and I don’t blame them.

My lovely neighbour spent 15 years raising her daughters 4 children full-time. Unpaid. She deeply regretted ever agreeing to begin with.
She had zero time between raising her own to raising her grandchildren.
She then became seriously ill, housebound and died.

I think it is a huge imposition to expect grandparents to give up their last healthy years minding children.

Simply put. Don't have them if you can't afford childcare.
The solution is not imposing endlessly on your mother and MIL.

Grandfather's never or very rarely get caught for this!

It often seems like grandparents cant win

Yes, the man's parents who are grandparents, if it's the womens parents it's fine

But you say you moved due to the proximity to London, so it suited you both beyond being near his parents. A day a week of ongoing childcare is a big ask, and I would say no to be honest. They should be able to be grandparents and not beholden to becoming a nursery. The unsolicited advice is annoying though, and DH should speak to them about that.

I assume there were other reasons to move to the SE, and that it wasn't just a popularity contest between grandparents, so focus on those benefits instead.

OP said it won 'purely' because of the proximity to to london. Ita not like they moved there so their child could have a better relationship with her pils.

They made a move that suited them. Now are trying to attach conditions.

Obviously YABU to expect free childcare or even paid childcare before discussing it with them.

Also, a cup of tea is hardly "hosting". Perhaps if they know you don't like them, they don't want to start helping themselves in your house.

As for the parenting advice, everybody I met gave me parenting advice. I learnt to ignore it. I think you're picking up on it more from your PILs because you don't like them.

All do respect OP you are rather entitled to feel like they have to commit to looking after your DS every week. That is a huge ask. Of course they have to think about it.

All my friends who had babies in the 80s and 90s continued working and used childcare, not their parents.

It's anecdotal but I was born then & not one family on my road had 2 parents working & very few at my school. The houses on this road ranged from 40-60k in the early 80s & now they cost 1.8m plus.

And whoever said families couldn't afford things cause they wanted handbags. What nonsense, my childminder is £65 a day & half price when she is on holiday. The closest nursery is £92 a day. Many women can't afford to work.

You shouldn't have moved without having the conversation & of course you can never expect childcare but I do find the general MNs view of gps helping not common in the real world.

The vast of majority of my friends & colleagues have help if their parents are fit & able to. My mum has 1 dc 1 day a week & my mil also does one day. Sometimes they can't do it, no biggie we just pay for another day. I'm p/t & TTO & they are both local but they take them for sleepovers, a day here or there when im off etc. I love that they have good relationships, just like I did with my gran (the only gp that was alive).

The only person I know who doesn't help at all (never babysat for 30 mins even) is an old neighbour. Her son & DIL moved miles & miles away in the last yr as her parents were very hands on. Now this neighbour complains constantly to my mum about how she never sees her gd & she needs help round the house with this or that but her son is not going to realistically travel 180 miles every weekend to help her with odd jobs. You get out of relationships what you put in. DH & I help my mum & mil out with lots too, the family works as a team. My parents are immigrants as is DHs mother so maybe it's that.

Oh & of course there are people who take the piss & expect their parents to do all the childcare which is wrong.

It's a big ask and as a grandparent, you have to be very, very sure about agreeing to regular care.
DH is retired and looks after our dgc twice a week. As well as ferrying his own elderly parent to hospital appointments for consultations and treatment. I still work. Dh is very tired. And I've Christmas, circumstances have changed a bit meaning that for the foreseeable future, he will effectively be caring, either for dgc or his parent, five full day's a week. That's a lot, especially when I can only help during my own holidays from work. We love our dgc dearly, and dh is happy to care for them, but it is very tiring and if my DC or their partner were ever to express disappointment in us for not doing 'enough', strong words would fall out of my mouth. Thankfully, they are both very grateful for the help they have and they make sure we know that.
You do sound unnecessarily angry with your ILs.

Have you considered that, regardless of childcare, your husband might rather live closer to work than commute to London from the Midlands every day?

You can't be very far SE Op if your 'eager to help' parents In 'the Midlands' are only 60 miles away.

Misses point

Yup,it was called pin money. Not essential to running a home!

No it wasn’t pin money. It was to pay the rent and put food on the table. Or at least it was in my case.

We’re always seeing ‘they’ve had their turn’ on here when grandparents want to see more of their grandchildren than MN deems appropriate. Well, that works both ways. They’ve done their child rearing, now they want freedom to do as they choose.

OrangeTwirl

I guess the answer is if you don't want kids calling on you for help.....maybe they should be the ones who shouldn't have had kids!

I'm sure lots of woman worked int he 1950's, but not to pay the extortionate mortgage. They had more choices.

What we have today is not progress!

I'm not doing women down.A lot of women today would like to raise their own kids!

I chose to have kids, and I will help them. I will also be able to communicate effectively! I won't just dump them and say I've done my time like they were a prison sentence.