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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Need opinions please! Was I rude?

418 replies

savethatkitty01 · 01/01/2020 05:28

I vaguely mentioned to my friend DH & I were meeting up with some friends visiting from out of town and we might go and watch the NYE fireworks, if she was at a loose end. No specific details were given and tbh I only really mentioned it to be polite. My friend messaged me to ask what time we would be going to watch the fireworks & I again reiterated we were catching up with our out of town friends and I wasn't sure, but I'd get back to her. As it turns out, we did catch up with our friends, but did not attend the NYE fireworks.

This morning I received a snarky message from my friend, asking me if I'd enjoyed the fireworks and she'd spent the evening alone as she was waiting to hear from me.

I was a little taken aback and explained we hadn't attended the fireworks after all.

Was I in the wrong? I am totally prepared to accept if I was, I am looking for insight. When I mentioned the loose plans to my friend, I didn't realise she would pin her entire evening on it.

OP posts:
backouch · 01/01/2020 09:00

It's not just rude, it's unkind.

Nomorepies · 01/01/2020 09:01

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ on the poster's request.

Dontdisturbmenow · 01/01/2020 09:01

OP, you now know that you were in the wrong. You said you were prepared to accept you were, so hopefully you'll go out of your way to make amends.

In the end, you acted in a self-absorbed selfish way. You knew you had a good evening coming up with friends, and whatever you were doing, it was going to be a fun rewarding night. You failed to appreciate that your friend was on her own and that her not coming to join you was likely to mean that she would spend the evening on her own.

This is not being a good friend. You said you were just being polite, so it sounds like you just didn't want her there and didn't care what happened to her. If this is how you feel, then you are actually better not do anything as she is better off without your polite friendship.

WellErrr · 01/01/2020 09:01

Yabu. Poor friend Sad

ferrier · 01/01/2020 09:02

The initial conversation wasn't an invite. But you said you'd get back to her. So yabu.

Member869894 · 01/01/2020 09:02

You didn't get back to her as you said so yes YABU

phoenixrosehere · 01/01/2020 09:04

Yabu

You should have texted and said you weren’t going once you realised you weren’t.

Saying that I wouldn’t have waited to hear from you or pinned my night on it. No time or place given means not happening in my book. Plus, with you meeting with out of town friends, I wouldn’t want to intrude and would have seen it as you being polite unless again a time and place was established beforehand.

motherheroic · 01/01/2020 09:07

@ferrier She did invite her though. In summary she said if you have nothing going on you can come with us. It's quite clear.

BloggersNetwork · 01/01/2020 09:08

You extended a completely insincere invite 'just to be polite' but you clearly had no intention of including her in your plans. I think that was rude, for sure, but also unkind.

NameChangeNugget · 01/01/2020 09:08

Bloody hell OP, you’ve behaved appallingly

Mlou32 · 01/01/2020 09:11

You didn't intend to be rude but it was rude and inconsiderate. I feel really sorry for your friend. Apologise and take her out to lunch, your treat, to make up for it.

lovelilies · 01/01/2020 09:12

Well the OP has had her arse handed to her, now she's disappeared.
Hope she does the right thing and apologises.

CornforthWhite · 01/01/2020 09:12

Oh dear. Put your big girl pants on and make it up to her. You obviously care to warrant asking for opinions here. You can make amends.

Aquilla · 01/01/2020 09:12

YABU

TheOnlyLivingBoyInNewCross · 01/01/2020 09:13

I'm assuming the OP isn't going to come back, having seen the way the thread's going.

But sorry - another here saying you were rude and I feel really sorry for your friend. Why didn't you have the courtesy to bung her a text saying you weren't going if you'd said you'd get back to her?

It's clear you don't value her as a friend so maybe just let her find better ones in 2020; don't keep her in reserve as an "if there's no-one better, she'll do" friend. That's just cruel.

JAIENLCE29 · 01/01/2020 09:13

Really unreasonable. Your friend will be embarrassed, humiliated, and hurt. She will probably have spent time getting ready, telling people about her plans, and then her 'friend' ignored her and left her sat alone on an evening that is emotionally difficult for some people. She may have turned down offers from other people, so passed on other opportunities. This type of thing has happened to me in the past, and these people are no longer in my life..

Yetanotherwinter · 01/01/2020 09:13

You invite her out and then fail to get back to her. Of course she will have been waiting for you. You shouldn’t have mentioned it again to be polite. If you didn’t want to meet her you should never have mentioned it in the first place.

bottlenose301 · 01/01/2020 09:14

I agree it was rude OP. Best thing to do is give a massive apology , and maybe make it up to her , ie take her for lunch etc

Shedidnt · 01/01/2020 09:15

Rude isn't the word I'd use. Mean-spirited or plain mean would be more apt.
I hope your friend finds people who actually give a shit about her for the new year. Aren't you the lucky one with a husband and friends to socialise with. I hope it keeps fine for you. Some day you find find your ass alone and dependent on friends to go out with. Then you might learn how cold-hearted you were.

GrapefruitGin · 01/01/2020 09:16

You’re horrible!! Learn some manners for 2020.

MrsBricks · 01/01/2020 09:16

Rude and unkind!

You invited her, but didn't really want to see her.
You said you'd get back to her and then didn't bother.

How is it polite to tell her your plans but have no intention of including her? That's the opposite of polite Confused

If this is how you treat your 'friends', what are you like with other people??

pictish · 01/01/2020 09:18

It was remiss of you not to get back in touch and let her know what was happening, fireworks or not, on NYE. You invited her!

I’m sure you didn’t intend her any personal slight but you didn’t give her a thought either. You do need to apologise.

Shedidnt · 01/01/2020 09:19

You obviously care to warrant asking for opinions here.

Nothing obvious there at all. All that's clear to me is that she wanted everyone to pile in saying that she's not responsible for her friend and the friend should have made arrangements for herself or something.

As far as the friend was concerned, she had made arrangements.

The friend wasn't being 'snarky' btw. She was expressing her upset at you fucking up her whole NYE.

Nasty.

BoswellSolver · 01/01/2020 09:19

Wow. I hope this woman finds some nicer people to call friends in the new year!

Just because you were set with your plans doesn't mean you can be flippant with other people's.

JacquesHammer · 01/01/2020 09:20

OP was rude but the friend was foolish.