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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Need opinions please! Was I rude?

418 replies

savethatkitty01 · 01/01/2020 05:28

I vaguely mentioned to my friend DH & I were meeting up with some friends visiting from out of town and we might go and watch the NYE fireworks, if she was at a loose end. No specific details were given and tbh I only really mentioned it to be polite. My friend messaged me to ask what time we would be going to watch the fireworks & I again reiterated we were catching up with our out of town friends and I wasn't sure, but I'd get back to her. As it turns out, we did catch up with our friends, but did not attend the NYE fireworks.

This morning I received a snarky message from my friend, asking me if I'd enjoyed the fireworks and she'd spent the evening alone as she was waiting to hear from me.

I was a little taken aback and explained we hadn't attended the fireworks after all.

Was I in the wrong? I am totally prepared to accept if I was, I am looking for insight. When I mentioned the loose plans to my friend, I didn't realise she would pin her entire evening on it.

OP posts:
GaaaaarlicBread · 01/01/2020 08:30

It was an unfortunate misunderstanding on both sides .
OP I can see how you loosely invited her and that if you were going to the fireworks then she could go. But she obviously took that as you were going and probably relied on you to have a nice evening , probably got herself ready etc and therefor couldn’t enjoy her evening at home as she was waiting to go out . There’s nothing worse than hanging around waiting for someone to get back to you.
You obviously innocently didn’t think anything of it as you hadn’t made final plans but she didn’t know that. All in all you should’ve sent her a courtesy message to say you weren’t going anymore and therefor she would know where she was.
Hindsight is a wonderful thing. Give her a call and apologise , and maybe invite her round today for some food or something x

Hotcuppatea · 01/01/2020 08:30

My feelings would be hurt if I were your friend. You should apologise to her.

Asiama · 01/01/2020 08:31

First you invited her (if only to be polite, but how should she know?) and then when she followed up on the invitation you said you would get back to her. So yes, you were rude.

NigesFakeWalkingStick · 01/01/2020 08:32

Yeah, that's shit of you. Inviting someone to be polite is one thing, but she clearly had thought you were being more serious about the invite than you were and you hoped she'd forget.

To be honest, I can't stand friends who offer invitations out of politeness, then hoping I'll forget. I'm a single mum with not a huge circle of friends, and quite lonely, so invitations are gold dust.

The worst part of it was that you didn't bother to get back to her that your plans had changed. That's super shit.

BusterGonad · 01/01/2020 08:33

I can see that you said it as a kind thing but ultimately you've been very unkind, the best thing you can do now is say you're sorry and treat your friend to a pub lunch or something. She'll be very hurt I'm sure.

Blahblahblah12345 · 01/01/2020 08:33

I'd be hurt if I was your friend

Pinkyyy · 01/01/2020 08:34

YANBU. You didn't invite her, she assumed she was part of your plans. You said you get back to her if you went to the fireworks and you didn't go so had no need to text her. It's not your fault she had no other plans. She would have been spending it alone anyway, that's why she tried to latch on to begin with.

strictlymomdancing · 01/01/2020 08:37

OP won't be back Hmm

Ohyesiam · 01/01/2020 08:40

From her POV , why would you mention it if you weren’t inviting her along.

Jenala · 01/01/2020 08:43

I can't see from the OP that the friend was invited? Just that the plans were mentioned. At the second text probably shouldn't have said you would get back to her and then not.

But really don't get replies saying OP invited and then ditched her friend? You must all be disappointed a lot of the time if you think someone else talking about their plans is an invite to them Hmm

Stayingstrong24 · 01/01/2020 08:43

You were wrong to have even mentioned it.
There is nothing more upsetting than spending New Year on your own, but it would have seemed a whole lot worse today as she thought she would have someone to spend it with.
I'd say it was more cruel than rude.

Beautiful3 · 01/01/2020 08:43

Yes you invited her. You should have texted her when you knew you weren't going to watch the fireworks. You left her hanging. Next time dont invite people to things if you dont really mean it.

motherheroic · 01/01/2020 08:48

@MissBax Show us the part where OP said this friend 'invited herself along'. Quickly.

Ellisandra · 01/01/2020 08:49

@Jenala OP said she described her plans to her friend and said “if you’re a loose end”. That’s an invitation.

motherheroic · 01/01/2020 08:50

'Invited her to be polite'. You're a shite 'friend'. HTH.

Ellisandra · 01/01/2020 08:50

@Stayingstrong24 we agree that the OP was rude. But if you think there’s nothing more upsetting than spending NYE alone, you’ve had a charmed life!

beautifulstranger101 · 01/01/2020 08:51

Yes, you were very unkind. You practically invited her to go with you to see the fireworks TWICE, then ignored her on the night. If you hadn't wanted to see her why on earth didnt you just say "oh im not sure what we're doing yet, haven't decided" or "We're seeing friends from out of town"- thats all you had to say. But you didnt. You invited her- twice.
I'd be very hurt if I was your friend...

lmnoh · 01/01/2020 08:52

I doubt you even had any intention of arranging to see her for the fireworks, if you had have gone.
You were probably hoping that she would have forgotten, and even worse, probably mentioned it to your "out of town" friends that a "friend", which I use the term loosely as I don't think you are her a friend, dared to ask to tag along !
How cruel of you and how brave of her to message you this morning. I would never speak to you again, which would probably suit you fine.

insanepizza · 01/01/2020 08:52

Who invites someone to be polite but doesn't mean it.

You should've been much more clear. We're meeting out of town friends and may go to fireworks, sorry can't invite you as that may or may not happen and we're too unreliable.

To say you'll get back to someone about NYE and not is really horrible. I bet she feels really low and unwanted.

LeekMunchingSheepShagger · 01/01/2020 08:52

Of course you were rude! You owe her an apology.

Newdilemma · 01/01/2020 08:53

Jenella SHe clearly did invite her friend, re-read the OP. She even said she did it out of politeness. No-one mentions there weekend plans'out of politeness'. You have only done it out of politeness if you have invited the other person, for example by saying ' if you are at a loose end'. As OP did.

Pinkyy it is much much worse to be waiting for a call telling you where to meet up, than it is to know you aren't going out. As PP siad, she would have got all made up and dressed up.

misspiggy19 · 01/01/2020 08:54

To be honest, I can't stand friends who offer invitations out of politeness, then hoping I'll forget.

^This. What kind of friend does this. Not nice OP.

Booksandwine80 · 01/01/2020 08:54

I think that was a bit mean to be honest. You should have been clear about seeing other friends but you technically invited her.

She must have felt awful Sad

backouch · 01/01/2020 08:58

I can't believe you have to ask this. I'd be so upset, especially if I'd also told people those were my plans because I'd feel embarrassed too.

OP, you may have thought your comment was not a proper invitation but ' join us if you're at a loose end' is an invite.

Then she clearly showed her interest and expectation to join you by asking about times. She probably didn't want to bother you by asking again as you said you would be back in touch.

Sorry - I'd say this is a pretty huge friendship mess-up.

TravellingSpoon · 01/01/2020 08:59

YWBU and very rude.

And in the bargain you made your friend feel like shite. Hope your 'out of town' friends were worth it.