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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Need opinions please! Was I rude?

418 replies

savethatkitty01 · 01/01/2020 05:28

I vaguely mentioned to my friend DH & I were meeting up with some friends visiting from out of town and we might go and watch the NYE fireworks, if she was at a loose end. No specific details were given and tbh I only really mentioned it to be polite. My friend messaged me to ask what time we would be going to watch the fireworks & I again reiterated we were catching up with our out of town friends and I wasn't sure, but I'd get back to her. As it turns out, we did catch up with our friends, but did not attend the NYE fireworks.

This morning I received a snarky message from my friend, asking me if I'd enjoyed the fireworks and she'd spent the evening alone as she was waiting to hear from me.

I was a little taken aback and explained we hadn't attended the fireworks after all.

Was I in the wrong? I am totally prepared to accept if I was, I am looking for insight. When I mentioned the loose plans to my friend, I didn't realise she would pin her entire evening on it.

OP posts:
Shedidnt · 01/01/2020 09:21

Some day this OP will need a friend. She won't have any.

lmnoh · 01/01/2020 09:21

I think you should tell your "friend" to join mumsnet and direct her to this thread ...

Figgygal · 01/01/2020 09:21

Yup you were rude
You shouldn’t have mentioned it in the first place you already had plans with other people that it would be weird for her to tag along to

SuperMeerkat · 01/01/2020 09:22

You aren’t being unreasonable per se but it’s so hurtful when someone mentions plans that don’t include you. It doesn’t matter whether you’re 7 or 37, there’s still a feeling of ‘well what’s wrong with me?’ In the future, if you aren’t going to invite them then don’t mention it, it’s just kinder.

DoesntLeftoverTurkeySoupDragOn · 01/01/2020 09:23

I'd get back to her

And you didn't. Yes, you were really rude.

beautifulstranger101 · 01/01/2020 09:24

Some day this OP will need a friend. She won't have any

Yep- ive seen this happen before in social groups, people being excluded from events because they were single and everyone else was coupled up. Unfortunately, a lot of the couples have since split and are now getting a taste of their own medicine. Bitter isn't it?!

PatchworkElmer · 01/01/2020 09:25

Of course you’ve been rude OP- you said you’d get back to her. She messaged you, making it clear that she was planning to meet you- and you said you’d get back to her.

Shedidnt · 01/01/2020 09:28

a lot of the couples have since split and are now getting a taste of their own medicine. Bitter isn't it?!

Poetic justice.

Shedidnt · 01/01/2020 09:30

Similar happened to me last Easter. I had arranged to meet two 'friends' while I was home visiting. Discussed it with them both in a whatsapp group and we decided on a certain date. I had everything planned, from where I was staying to what I was going to wear. On the actual day, both of them bailed. When they need a friend in future, I sure as hell won't be available!

pictish · 01/01/2020 09:30

Stop with the insults people. That’s enough. Some of you are getting carried away.

Shedidnt · 01/01/2020 09:32

And I wouldn't mind but one of them met her now husband through me. I worked in banking and she quite fancied the money attached so I'd invite her along to our work nights out. The thanks I get? None.
She can fuck off.

1300cakes · 01/01/2020 09:32

You aren’t being unreasonable per se but it’s so hurtful when someone mentions plans that don’t include you.

I dont think it's at all hurtful to just mention plans that don't include someone. That's just normal discussion. The hurtful part is inviting them when you don't mean it.

As pp said, simply telling her "I'm catching up with out if town friends for NYE, how about you - any plans?" would have been fine.

Shedidnt · 01/01/2020 09:33

No insults. Just people using adjectives to describe the behaviour/how the OP behaved.

burnoutbabe · 01/01/2020 09:33

Doesn't seem like much of an actual
Invite to me.
Op would be out with mates all night and may watch the fire works at midnight. Where I am this would be a short display at midnight for 15 mins.
So I'd very much assume the invite was more of a "if we're both in the town centre at midnight, we can watch together for those 15 mins".
I'd just say sorry for the confusion and that you didn't attend, sorry you didn't let her know.
Not worth all this drama for a 15 min possible meet up.

Eliza72 · 01/01/2020 09:34

It's 9:34 on New Years Day. I think after 6 pages worth the OP has got the message. Please everyone be just a tiny bit kinder? Imagine reading 6 pages of messages on how awful you are on what is supposed to be your fresh start day of the year?!

beautifulstranger101 · 01/01/2020 09:34

Stop with the insults people

Huh? what insults? noone has called the OP names or sworn at her or cussed her out. People are commenting on her behaviour (which was poor) which she ASKED for opinions on.

DoesntLeftoverTurkeySoupDragOn · 01/01/2020 09:35

Doesn't seem like much of an actual Invite to me.

She suggested the friend could come along and then said she would let her know. How is that not an actual invite?

LonginesPrime · 01/01/2020 09:36

Yes, you were very rude and messed your friend around.

You said you'd get back to her to tell her what time you were meeting, then didn't bother and went out to celebrate without her, leaving her hanging.

Why couldn't you just have texted her to say 'sorry, change of plans, we'e not going after all' so she knew not to wait for you? Why tell her you'll let her know and then not do it?

To act all wide-eyed and say after the event 'I can't believe she based her whole evening around little old me' shows that words mean nothing to you but they obviously did to your friend (and do to most people).

Don't bother inviting someone if you don't mean it - hopefully she's learned from this that you're not a friend - just a selfish, flakey acquaintance.

Philadelphiaria · 01/01/2020 09:37

Reverse?

Shedidnt · 01/01/2020 09:37

I suspect her friend got the message at about 11.34pm last night that her friends were ignoring her @Eliza72. I have the sum total of no sympathy for this OP. As I said, I hope it keeps fine for her.

longwayoff · 01/01/2020 09:37

That was mean of you OP and you know it was.

Danni91 · 01/01/2020 09:37

You literally said to her that you was going to the fireworks if she was at a loose end ..

... and then followed that up to say you'll let her know times and details

What part of that is not an invite? You're out of order leaving her hanging.

ClemDanFango · 01/01/2020 09:38

You fake invited her and then was dismissive and then ignored her when she tried to firm up plans.
Why can’t you work out for yourself that was a shitty thing to do?

JacquesHammer · 01/01/2020 09:40

I suspect her friend got the message at about 11.34pm last night

Oh come on, why would she do that? It’s almost like the friend was waiting for the OP not to get in touch, almost setting her up for a fall

As an adult wouldn’t you have got in touch with the OP again “haven’t heard from you so making other plans”, deciding to sit in alone was totally the friend’s decision.

Shedidnt · 01/01/2020 09:41

@JacquesHammer Are you still on the sauce from last night?