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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Need opinions please! Was I rude?

418 replies

savethatkitty01 · 01/01/2020 05:28

I vaguely mentioned to my friend DH & I were meeting up with some friends visiting from out of town and we might go and watch the NYE fireworks, if she was at a loose end. No specific details were given and tbh I only really mentioned it to be polite. My friend messaged me to ask what time we would be going to watch the fireworks & I again reiterated we were catching up with our out of town friends and I wasn't sure, but I'd get back to her. As it turns out, we did catch up with our friends, but did not attend the NYE fireworks.

This morning I received a snarky message from my friend, asking me if I'd enjoyed the fireworks and she'd spent the evening alone as she was waiting to hear from me.

I was a little taken aback and explained we hadn't attended the fireworks after all.

Was I in the wrong? I am totally prepared to accept if I was, I am looking for insight. When I mentioned the loose plans to my friend, I didn't realise she would pin her entire evening on it.

OP posts:
Laughterisbest · 01/01/2020 07:54

People need to be straight forward

True, but it was the OP who wasn't straightforward.

Jimdandy · 01/01/2020 07:57

What @Betterbegoing said

daisypond · 01/01/2020 07:58

The OP didn’t invite her to fireworks - though I can see why she might have thought so. It’s just a misunderstanding. OP said, “ we might go and watch the NYE fireworks, if she was at a loose end.“ Might. I read that that if - big if - they went to the fireworks they would invite her along. They didn’t go, so she didn’t invite her. But the OP should have let her know they weren’t going.

chumbawum · 01/01/2020 07:58

So you basically left your friend hanging all night. Totally shitty and selfish.

Why invite to be polite then do this which is the height of rudeness.

You'd be an ex friend for me.

tisonlymeagain · 01/01/2020 08:00

Yes you were rude and she had every right to be pissed. First you implied she could join you and when she followed this up you said you'd get back to her - it's not unreasonable of her to expect you to do what you said you would do. An apology wouldn't go amiss...

helpasisterout · 01/01/2020 08:01

I would say YABU. Little bit of sensitivity required around NYE as lots of people don't like to spend it alone, though it was just a brief comment in the passing to you that was perhaps the only offer of company she had so feels a bit rejected now.

Onwards and upwards start 2020 by replying to explain the misunderstanding and the two of you go and do something nice to spend time together 🏆

SnuggyBuggy · 01/01/2020 08:01

You didn't intend to hurt her but this was badly handled. Try and see the situation from her point of view

TaxFool · 01/01/2020 08:04

Definitely rude. Is this a reverse? Surely no one is that dense?

nomdunchien · 01/01/2020 08:09

Oh, she must have been so hurt. What a terribly thoughtless thing to do to someone on NYE (or any other time of year). YA definitely BU and shouldn’t be surprised at all by the ‘snarky’ text from her.

MWNA · 01/01/2020 08:10

"I wasn't sure, but I'd get back to her."

But you didn't though, did you?
Very rude. Poor woman.

GlitteryGracie · 01/01/2020 08:13

In order to have mentioned it as you did in the first place, shows that you were aware that she was alone and/or at a loose end. You then hinted at inviting her, got her hopes up then ditched her in the worst possible way by simply ignoring her. Yes sorry you weren't a good friend here and I wouldn't be surprised if the friendship cools in 2020.

Actionhasmagic · 01/01/2020 08:16

Yabu for the way you treated her and for disappearing from this thread

LagunaBubbles · 01/01/2020 08:18

Why didn't you text her to say you weren't going to fireworks after you said you would get back to her?

Ellisandra · 01/01/2020 08:18
  1. It was you that offered
  2. Based on your wording here, you didn’t say you didn’t know if you were going, but what time you were going
  3. You said you’d get back to her

She wasn’t “pinning” her whole evening on you. She thought you’d invited her - and then you didn’t bother to call her.

YABVVVU.

user1483387154 · 01/01/2020 08:19

that was really unkind. she was waiting for you to get back to her as you said.

SD1978 · 01/01/2020 08:21

You had an opportunity at the second conversation to say no that you weren't able to meet her. You didn't. The first conversation was an invite. The second an I'll get back to you. I'm not suprised she's upset and annoyed- you are utterly in the wrong here and I hope you will be apologising .

NorthernBirdAtHeart · 01/01/2020 08:23

Yeah, that was a pretty shitty thing to have done to your friend, especially on NYE.
Unreasonable and nasty.

pasturesgreen · 01/01/2020 08:23

You said you'd get back to her. You should have done so, bit rubbish to leave her hanging like that, particularly if you were aware she might find herself at a loose end. I'd be pissed off too, in your friend's shoes.

YWBU.

Acciocats · 01/01/2020 08:24

Of course it’s rude. The friend didn’t invite herself along: you mentioned the fireworks, you said that you’d get back to her and then you didn’t.

Wonder if you’re going to mention shortly that this is a reverse...

MirriMazDuur · 01/01/2020 08:25

Yes you were rude, obviously.

Newdilemma · 01/01/2020 08:25

Yes you were really rude. I would have been really hurt if I were her. She was obviously pleased to have an invite on New Years Eve. It must have really hurt to know your friend invite you and then dumped you and had a good time without you. it shitty to invite someone and leave them hanging any night of the year but on New Years'! Come on!

And what is this 'inviting out of politeness' excuse. You invited her - once you have done that and she accepts you have to bring her along. Saying, Oh I invited her but I didn't really mean it, so it was okay to leave her hanging and waiting all night, is self justifying nonsense.

I hope you learn a lesson from this about how to treat people decently adn how to have empathy.

You owe your friend a massive grovelling apology.

Mummyoflittledragon · 01/01/2020 08:26

You wanted to be polite but ended up being incredibly rude. Time to learn manners and boundaries.

Acciocats · 01/01/2020 08:27

To add, it would be rude any day of the week but on NYE when you knew your friend didn’t have plans and that you’d said you would be in touch about the fireworks - that’s just really shitty.

No one is suggesting you build your plans around your friend. It wasn’t a firm commitment to go to the fireworks. What you had agreed though was to contact her, which you didn’t.

Lifeoverhaul · 01/01/2020 08:28

I've had this sort of stuff happen to me lots of times. It hurts like hell when you're already low and lonely. Either invite properly or don't invite. Simples.

BoomBoomsCousin · 01/01/2020 08:30

tbh I only really mentioned it to be polite

Since "it" was an invite, there is nothing "polite" about mentioning it when you don't mean it. If you make an invite you don't mean you aren't being polite, you're trying to get brownie points for an act of friendship that isn't real. It's shallow and sort of dishonest.