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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Need opinions please! Was I rude?

418 replies

savethatkitty01 · 01/01/2020 05:28

I vaguely mentioned to my friend DH & I were meeting up with some friends visiting from out of town and we might go and watch the NYE fireworks, if she was at a loose end. No specific details were given and tbh I only really mentioned it to be polite. My friend messaged me to ask what time we would be going to watch the fireworks & I again reiterated we were catching up with our out of town friends and I wasn't sure, but I'd get back to her. As it turns out, we did catch up with our friends, but did not attend the NYE fireworks.

This morning I received a snarky message from my friend, asking me if I'd enjoyed the fireworks and she'd spent the evening alone as she was waiting to hear from me.

I was a little taken aback and explained we hadn't attended the fireworks after all.

Was I in the wrong? I am totally prepared to accept if I was, I am looking for insight. When I mentioned the loose plans to my friend, I didn't realise she would pin her entire evening on it.

OP posts:
nowaypose · 02/01/2020 17:37

Yes, you were rude and I’d drop you as a friend if I were her.

SpangleSparkle · 02/01/2020 17:40

I think you need to apologise to your friend. She was obviously waiting to hear back from you and you left her hanging.

strawberry2017 · 02/01/2020 17:45

You could have handled it better but she could have also text again to ask you about it.

CountryGirl1234 · 02/01/2020 17:50

I think it’s poor form to invite people you don’t actully want there. If anyone invites me with ‘oh if you are at a loose end, come along’ it’s not really an invite is it, I would always decline. Don’t bother inviting anyone ‘to be polite’ your not if you haven’t made plans you and someone asks you for details that you have invited, include them in the plans and get back to them. Not only were you incredibly rude to go out with your friends and not reply, you invited someone you didn’t want there who thought they had plans with you on one of the biggest party nights of the year and ghosted them. Not nice.

NumbersStation · 02/01/2020 17:59

I see how it could have been misunderstood at the start.

The bit where you lost me is when you said you’d get back to your friend and then didn't.

Bad enough on a normal day - made 100 times worse because it was NYE.

You know (or I hope you do) in your heart of hearts that you didn’t act nicely here OP.

I’d be giving a big apology.

I have been on the receiving end of invites that don’t materialise - it is hurtful. Some of us really don’t have other options and are stupidly happy for a rare invitation out.

DC3dilemma · 02/01/2020 18:05

YABU...and were a massive arsehole.

Palma1 · 02/01/2020 18:10

You should have let her know.

LouH1981 · 02/01/2020 18:12

Think if it was me, once I knew we weren’t going to the fireworks, I’d text to apologise and explain plans had changed. Sorry OP.

MinTheMinx · 02/01/2020 18:14

You're one of those people who lives in a lovely cushioned clique, aren't you OP?

Your admission that you only invited her 'to be polite' tells me everything I need to know about you and I very much hope you find yourself spending New Years Eve on your own one day. I suspect it'll take that to make you realise how horrible you were to your 'friend' (or ex-friend if she has any sense).

MaeveDidIt · 02/01/2020 18:14

You were very rude and should have had the courtesy to message her as you said you would.

Milkandhoney123 · 02/01/2020 18:15

Wow, this is an awful thing to do op, I feel very very sorry for your friend. But if this is how you treat the people in your life she is far better off without you.

CassidyStone · 02/01/2020 18:16

You were thoughtless and rude. Why on earth didn't you invite her to join you and your other friends? Being alone on New Year's Eve for a lot of people is miserable, especially when she was under the impression she would be joining you at some point. How long would it have taken for you to drop a text telling her you'd changed your plans and they no longer included her?

Rude, insensitive and cruel.

ddl1 · 02/01/2020 18:18

I think it was impolite (I wouldn't say 'rude' as to me that implies something more deliberate) for you not to get back to her and make it clear that you weren't going. Better in the future to be more direct.

Londongent · 02/01/2020 18:22

I guess OP is getting back to MN either...seems to be a pattern

ButtonMoonLoon · 02/01/2020 18:23

Not just rude but really unkind and thoughtless, actually :(

beautifulstranger101 · 02/01/2020 18:27

Savings from not texting the friend: 5p

Money spent on new years eve out with friends: £60

Asking AIBU and getting handed your arse handed to you on a plate: Priceless

Grin
CalleighDoodle · 02/01/2020 18:30

Oh my goodness. Coming to this so late but how very rude of the op. You wanted to look like a kind person by inviting her, but you didn't actually want to be kind.

penberrh · 02/01/2020 18:31

You said you’d get back to her. You didn’t. Rude.

ThePix · 02/01/2020 18:33

Just read all 13 pages and such a shame to see OP not replied saying oh god I messed up..

Strongerin2020 · 02/01/2020 18:36

This is so mean.

She obviously had nowhere else to go. You invited her. She followed up a second time.

You said you would get back to her with details.

You didn't.

You left her alone on NYE waiting to hear back from you.

And you didn't even think about her or the plans you'd made.

You're a REALLY shit friend TBH.

Am thinking this has to be a reverse.

No one is that oblivious to their own rudeness?

IamTheAntiChrist · 02/01/2020 18:39

Yep you were rude and I'm not surprised you left your 'friend' ( although clearly you don't like her, she ought to run a mile) in the lurch on NYE.

Happy New Year OP Hmm. Are you going to return and own your error?

Rainbunny · 02/01/2020 18:47

Well yes you were very thoughtless OP.

It wasn't a regular Friday night, It was NYE! It's one of those annual events (along with Christmas day, Valentines Day etc) that can make you feel like a loser if you're alone without plans. It's not a surprising thing that she may have been looking forward to meeting up with you and your friends to see fireworks. From her perspective it looks like you were out having fun and couldn't be bothered to meet up with her, that's not a nice feeling. You essentially sent her a message of how much of an afterthought she is.

I do understand that you meant the invite in the most casual "might/might not happen" kind of way but I think the fact that she followed up on your invite shows she wanted to meet up shows that she was looking forward to it. As I said, NYE is one of those times when it can feel lonely to not have anything going on. I think you should have let her know as soon as you realised you wouldn't be going on to the fireworks at least.

I think the lesson here is to just apologise for your thoughtlessness and not make off the cuff invitations in future.

sue51 · 02/01/2020 18:47

You were rude. Now apologise to your friend and mean it.

metoothree · 02/01/2020 18:50

what a horrible thing to do - I may be a sensitive flower, but I would be in pieces if I was your 'friend'. What a shit start to 2020 for her.

2020maddog · 02/01/2020 18:50

You were unreasonable, I'm afraid. They may have been 'loose' plans to you. But you invited her to participate.

I can see you did it to be polite, but it actually ended up making you sound rude.

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