To feel disappointed about the attitude towards age gap relationships on MN

[Daxilove]

Noticed a thread on here earlier about a woman whose DH left her for a much younger woman. Not condoning that particular scenario at all but I noticed so many of the comments were about the fact that there’s no way the relationship would last due to the age gap, they can’t have anything in common, OW must be a gold digger to be interested in an older man and so on.

I’m young (26) and don’t find myself attracted to men my own age at all. I usually choose to date men between 40-50 and am currently in a relationship with a 47 year old. We have lots in common, plenty to talk about and genuine mutual attraction. Yes DP is a high earner, but I am too and I’m certainly not after his money, I have my own! We love to spend our money on luxurious holidays, eating out at special places, shopping for nice things etc. As a feminist, it makes me disappointed to think that people must see us out and about together and assume that I’m some sort of gold digger or he’s a “sugar daddy”. Is this really still what people automatically think of age gap relationships in this day and age?!

@MouseClogs

I was two months from nineteen when i started dating DH.

If i had committed a murder no one on this thread would have any trouble classing me as an adult

Not been on the forum for a day and a half as have been busy working, and taking down Christmas tree and decs, shopping, and running errands, so am just catching up.

I noticed a conversation earlier about Leo DiCaprio. I have mixed feelings about him. I like him as an actor, and as a person he seems nice, and he is good looking (nice face.) But I have to agree that his body is kinda average/normal, and if a middle-aged woman had let herself go like that, she would not get any acting work, and would be LAMBASTED for it... I don't think it's fair to say female stars his age (and 5 to 10 years older) look better though, because they have all had botox/collagen/facelifts... Leo hasn't. He looks good still, and normal; not stupidly fit/chiseled etc.. he should be celebrated really for not caring.

Anyway, back to the subject matter!!!

Regarding him dating a 22 y.o female, when he is 45. I think it's creepy. And I have thought that ever since he started dating younger models (some 20 years ago!) And it's ALWAYS models, and they always look the same (like they're off a production line.) Also, it gets more creepy each time, as with each one he 'dates,' the age gap gets bigger. Soooooo GRIM!

WTF can they POSSIBLY have in common? If that was my daughter, I would be so ashamed and embarrassed. It's pretty obvious that she is with him because he is Leo DiCaprio, and as someone said further back in the thread, I do wonder if these young girls are just for appearances sake if ya know what I mean. (Yeah I said GIRLS, because that's what they are compared to Leo.)

He is OK, but that side of him makes my skin crawl. It could be possible though, that it's nothing more than an 'arrangement...'

And regarding the laughable statement that 'men can't help being attracted to MUCH younger women...' coz it's SO natural for them... That doesn't change the fact that it's a bit creepy, and MOST women under 30 will not fancy someone old enough to be their dad... (and most would certainly not want to be in a relationship with a man old enough to be her dad!) I mean, there are literally NO advantages I can think of. (I am not talking about rich and famous men, just normal, everyday men!)

So basically women who prefer older men are in the wrong whether the me have money or not

Quelle surprise!

Dont think much of Leo

He makes a habit of it. The only younger woman DH has ever dated is me.

Maybe instead of asking the question "why are women dating older men instead of ones their own age" we should be asking "what are the same age men doing that makes women not want to date them"

Most women do want to date men of the same age.

As I said previously, IME the women that accept the advances of older men (rather than being horrified and rejecting them outright) often have had difficulty with men of their own age, because it looks if personality, that the older man is happy to overlook

Maybe instead of asking the question "why are women dating older men instead of ones their own age" we should be asking "what are the same age men doing that makes women not want to date them"

The vast majority of women do date men their own age, or maybe slightly older.

The internet is absolutely heaving with men in their 40s and 50s looking for younger women. Very few of them are succesful, because young women for the most part simply do not want middle aged men.

As long as it’s consensual and legal, all age-gap relationships are perfectly fine & there is nothing intrinsically wrong with it. I suspect this thread is full of middle-aged women aghast that their husbands would most probably rather have a firm, younger woman in bed. Bitter.

I'm guessing that many women would much rather have a virile, hard-muscled young stud in their bad than the balding husband snoring next to them. But unlike so many men, they're not delusional enough to think they'd actually have a chance.

There's a pretty crucial difference in this context between "accepting advances" from a demographic (which implies a lack of any, or sufficient, organic attraction on the part of the propositionee) and people engaging in relationships with a demographic because they actively want to, on the basis of the "configuration" of their own attractions.

Whether the causative root of an organic attraction to a demographic is a product of daddy issues, mummy issues, some degree of fetishism, the product of an early psychosexually formative experience, all of the above - or indeed none of the above - is largely beside the point. We like what we like. What some people seem to be having trouble accept is precisely that - that we're not dealing exclusively with people who have made a pointed decision to eschew partners of their own age for perceived logical reasons, but with people that have a preference for the Somewhat Older. I don't think anybody has suggested that every woman falls into this category, but people repeatedly insisting that younger = better and liking older fellas is biologically senseless are on a hiding to nothing. There's also not much biological sense in attraction the very skinny, or foot fetishes, but they are fairly widespread nevertheless.

Well maybe yes - but equally it’s full of women who appear never to have realised that people actually make jokes about age gap relationships and feel aggrieved by that. Do people really think so narrowly? People make comments about whether people are of different ages, looks or attractiveness, height etc. No they don’t do it to your face because they have manners - but ask on the Internet and you get something more honest.

Catherine Zeta Jones with Michael Douglas anyone?

@AlexanderHalexander

Jesus, nope my description isn't talking about me - married, DW older than me, two DCs, not out there chasing etc.

I should have remembered that any detailed description of something real on MN is either a "reverse" or "it's about you".

Younger men dating older women doesn’t work in the way older men dating younger does. There isn’t much to exchange. Younger men often want children which older women struggle to have generally. Older women also don’t tend to earn as much as older men so the exchange of financial stability isn’t there.

Moreover, the way society is built, the message that women become expired or no longer holding any desirable capital as they get older is rather prevalent. How many older women do you see on TV? How many older women are paraded as sex symbols? There are so many older men that are in their 50s 40s and were/are pushed as such.

To break this down:
Younger woman: fertile, physically attractive, youthful
Older woman: no longer fertile, “less physically attractive”, earns less than male peers

All that being said, people in age-gap relationships generally love and care for each other. All this about benefits of dating young/old isn’t really relevant.

people repeatedly insisting that younger = better and liking older fellas is biologically senseless are on a hiding to nothing.

As I recall, it was you who claimed that you had 'evidence' that being attracted to men well past their physical prime is 'biologically based' and then failed to provide any evidence at all for this obviously absurd claim. Also quite a few people are saying that there is a biological basis for men to be attracted to young women (which is true) so it seems reasonable to point out that there are also pretty sound biological reasons for women to prefer younger, more virile men. Which of course isn't to say that attraction is limited to the purely 'biological' but when people are making claims about 'biology' to support old dude-young woman relationships, it's quite fair to point out that the same is also true in reverse.

There's also not much biological sense in attraction the very skinny, or foot fetishes, but they are fairly widespread nevertheless.

So liking old guys is akin to a foot fetish? If you say so.

@Russellbrandshair

As for the whole “I don’t care what people think”, that’s good. No one should care what others think. But people are laughing at ridiculous age gaps, they might not be saying it to your face but people are talking about it and judging it.

All humans judge and anyone who says they don’t is simply a liar. We all make judgements of people around us, and it doesn’t make you morally superior to everyone else because you think nothing of a 40 year old dating a teen.

THIS. ^

In spades.

there are also pretty sound biological reasons for women to prefer younger, more virile men

I don’t think it’s very sound. What do older women have need for virile men? By 40s+ most women are unable to carry a baby to term without medical help. The biological need isn’t there. Genuinely wtf.

Older women also don’t tend to earn as much as older men so the exchange of financial stability isn’t there.

Plenty of older women - particularly those who have not had children - earn excellent salaries. Plenty of older men are poor.

Moreover, the way society is built, the message that women become expired or no longer holding any desirable capital as they get older is rather prevalent. How many older women do you see on TV? How many older women are paraded as sex symbols? There are so many older men that are in their 50s 40s and were/are pushed as such.

Right. But who's controlling all this? As I said in a post earlier in the discussion, I am 50 and rarely find men my own age hot. The same goes for most women my age. We see films showing jowly old men with hot young women, but that is because Hollywood is run by jowly old men, not because women are drooling over these men. They're drooling over Aidan Turner and Chris Hemsworth. Not old dudes.

I don’t think it’s very sound. What do older women have need for virile men? By 40s+ most women are unable to carry a baby to term without medical help. The biological need isn’t there

There's no 'biological need' to have babies at any age, but if a woman of any age does want to have a baby, young sperm from a man who can get and maintain an erection with ease, is obviously superior to that from a bloke in his 40s or above. Why do you think sperm banks refuse donations from men over 40, or sometimes younger?

Anyway, all the evidence is that the majority of women just simply do not want much older men. That's a fact.

Well, wouldn’t you want someone stronger, fitter and ahem more productive to protect you and yours? An older man can’t offer that in the same way.

But that’s to diverge from the argument which is that age gap relationships are unusual, and the motivations for pursuing them can be rather basic. Both sexes, btw. I know women who chase young men for similar reasons. On balance, this desire for youth doesn’t diminish with age but most of us who have mutual age partners accept that. Those who are older chasing younger people are outliers in society.

"what are the same age men doing that makes women not want to date them"

Nothing. I linked to statistics earlier and they show that the majority of marriages are between people with only a year age gap. In fact, the smaller the gap, the more % of marriages.
So most people ARE choosing to settle down with men their own age.

Well, wouldn’t you want someone stronger, fitter and ahem more productive to protect you and yours? An older man can’t offer that in the same way.

It's always amusing how so many men think that 'biology' and ageing are these weird processes which only affect women, and which men are protected from by a mortgage on a Semi-D and a job as a middle manager in a paperclip company in Basingstoke.

I don’t think it’s very sound. What do older women have need for virile men? By 40s+ most women are unable to carry a baby to term without medical help. The biological need isn’t there. Genuinely wtf

Well I'm just guessing here but if you were early 40s and wanted a kid, why would you choose an old sperm donor when you could have a younger one? Old sperm is slower, has a higher risk for autism etc
If you were already at a disadvantage to get pregnant due to age, you would be lowering your chances by opting for older sperm wouldn't you? It makes sense you'd find a young, fertile stud guy who has the quickest chance to knock you up with young sperm

Not to mention that sex isn't just about reproduction, it's also about pleasure. And a fit young man with all his equipment in good working order is likely a better bet than an old dude past his prime.

I should probably add that of course by no means all young men are fit and handsome, and that there are plenty of attractive older men (and women). But as a general rule, from the 'biological' perspective so loved by certain posters here, younger men have some pretty obvious advantages.

@beautifulstranger

Problem is, a 'young stud's' 22 y.o. fertile, virile sperm, would not change the fact that a woman in her mid 40s, has eggs that are 'well-past-their-sell-by-date. So the young sperm isn't much good if the eggs are a quarter century older.

So I also cannot fathom why a woman wants a man young enough to be her son either. And it's also weird (IMO.)

@IcedPurple

But why would a young early 20-something man want a middle aged woman in her mid 40s or older?

I don't get it.. Either way (young man/older women or young woman/older man,) I just don't get it. Physically OR mentally, they are so mismatched.

So I also cannot fathom why a woman wants a man young enough to be her son either. And it's also weird (IMO.

I dont personally get that either, and its not my thing. But I can appreciate the appeal of a younger man far more than an old man because youth and fitness is attractive, as we have said.