To feel disappointed about the attitude towards age gap relationships on MN

[Daxilove]

Noticed a thread on here earlier about a woman whose DH left her for a much younger woman. Not condoning that particular scenario at all but I noticed so many of the comments were about the fact that there’s no way the relationship would last due to the age gap, they can’t have anything in common, OW must be a gold digger to be interested in an older man and so on.

I’m young (26) and don’t find myself attracted to men my own age at all. I usually choose to date men between 40-50 and am currently in a relationship with a 47 year old. We have lots in common, plenty to talk about and genuine mutual attraction. Yes DP is a high earner, but I am too and I’m certainly not after his money, I have my own! We love to spend our money on luxurious holidays, eating out at special places, shopping for nice things etc. As a feminist, it makes me disappointed to think that people must see us out and about together and assume that I’m some sort of gold digger or he’s a “sugar daddy”. Is this really still what people automatically think of age gap relationships in this day and age?!

siring1 If you think no man would care about a 55 year old woman dating a 23 year old man you're completely divorced from reality. There would be endless jokes and banter and far worse from some. You may know of or be a man who wouldn't care, but most would have an opinion, especially if they knew one of the couple.

You are picking from a self selected pool if you choose from men who have got to late 40s/50s without children and baggage, and I'm pretty sure there are a few common denominators there which mark them out from other men.

If you are casually dating men who have left previous relationships and have children of their own, sooner or later real life will get in the way - these things are a million times harder when the baggage finally floats to the top, and he can't behave like one of the men from Category A above any more.

Either way, it would be a no from me.

A lot of older women are so strongly opposed to men their age dating women younger because it hurts. It’s like they’ve been traded in for a younger model who is fitter, less wrinkly, perkier boobs, slim.

Well, I've never been 'traded in' so there's nothing to 'hurt'. As far as I'm concerned if a young woman wants to waste her youth on divorced dads in their 40s and schedule their dates around his childcare responsiblities that's her look-out. And if her 'mature' man can't see beyond smooth skin and 'perky boobs' then they're more than welcome to one another.

My oh is 15 years older than me and far fitter and healthier. My grandad was 20 years older than my grandma and he was her carer! Age is no reflection on health.

Putting aside anecdotal evidence, of course age is a reflection on health! In fact, age is probably one of the most reliable indicators of a person's health. Look at NHS stats - a person in their 70s above costs much much more, on average, than a young person. Obviously there are exceptions but they are just that - exceptions.

I find it interesting that when a man leaves his wife for a OW who happens to be a lot younger that becomes a massive focal point

Who on earth would want a man like this though? A dude who leaves his wife and kids for a younger model? I certainly wouldn’t. What happens when the younger woman ages? Noone stays in their 20s forever. If you start a relationship with a person that shallow you’d better be prepared for him to leave you when you hit 30 eh?

If you start a relationship with a person that shallow you’d better be prepared for him to leave you when you hit 30 eh?

I think the thinking behind it for people with very low self esteem and perhaps more limited options is that the older man will never leave as he's been 'lucky' to get someone younger, and will grow less and less attractive.

@beautifulstranger101 in your previous post you said 18-19 rather than 17-18 but ok.

My view is that age is rarely a reflection on personality. You could have a twenty something you has been through more, travelled more, learned more, experienced more than someone in their fifties.

@IcedPurple what I mean about the health point is that yes older people might be predisposed to more health issues but anyone of any age can get unwell at any time. It's hardly a reason not to date someone in their 40s/50s for example because 'they might get ill one day'.

FWIW my dp is in his early fifties and has never been married or had kids although much like myself has a few failed relationships under his belt. He is mature and financially stable but that's not what attracted me to him ffs! It was the fact that he's a great person and we get along brilliantly and I fancy him like mad. Are we 100% compatible? No. Is anyone? All I know is that my relationship with him is ten times better than others I've had with people my own age and that's due to his personality nothing to do with age. That's how relationships work, surely? You get with a person who loves you, understands you and makes you happy. You don't just immediately write them off because they're older. How shallow.

Obviously I'm showing bias but even if wasn't in an age gap relationship I'd still think this thread is shit. How sad to view older men as just financially secure and young women as just a pair of perky breasts. What a simplistic and depressing view on other humans.

I think it's attention seeking. I know of old men liking me and it makes me feel nauseous. Their is a age gap between me and dp of 7 years and that is old enough. It's definitely attention seeking. Or you have not got the confidence to be with someone born within your own decade. Do you want children with him?

I think men do care about older women dating young men to judge from the comments about Macron. They do judge it. Maybe the source of the judgment is different but they certainly do judge.

All this thread has done is expose the level of self delusion people have with how they are regarded. If you have an age gap relationship then that is worthy of comment because it is unusual. To pretend that everyone around you shares your view is narcissistic and naive. People are generally polite - but polite doesn’t mean agree or approve.

@Thatagain 😂😂😂 attention seeking?! Wow this gets more and more bonkers.

How would I be any more confident being with someone my own age? What does that even mean? What a strange thing to say. The reason I'm with my dp is because I love him, he treats me and we get along well. We have similar aspirations and views. The same as another successful relationship.

But yeah....it's definitely down to attention seeking.

I think the thinking behind it for people with very low self esteem and perhaps more limited options is that the older man will never leave as he's been 'lucky' to get someone younger, and will grow less and less attractive

Right so um..... congrats on bagging an older man who cheated on his wife and left his kids to be with you and is now too old, saggy and knackered to seek out an even younger woman. What a prize! If it was me, I’d be seeking out a young virile, buff dude to bang not old saggy balls.

@LexMitior personally speaking I couldn't care less how I'm regarded by others and I truly believe that if more people focused on their own lives and relationships instead of making judgements on others based on nothing but small minded prejudice, the world would be a much nicer place.

Urgh I can't even deal with this thread anymore. Some of the comments are utterly vile.

Imagine a bunch of men sitting around talking about pot bellies and saggy old tits on women just because they had reached a certain age!

Some of you should honestly be ashamed of your terrible views.

Well I’m sure that’s right, and it’s good you have this attitude because it looks like it’s necessary.

However to imagine it’s not a source of comment or amusement is wrong. It is.

@IcedPurple what I mean about the health point is that yes older people might be predisposed to more health issues but anyone of any age can get unwell at any time. It's hardly a reason not to date someone in their 40s/50s for example because 'they might get ill one day'.

It's not really 'might' though is it? I know that everyone here has older husbands who are incredibly fit and healthy, but in the real world, it's rare to find someone in their 70s who doesn't have some sort of health issue, and will certainly have less energy than they did in their youth. If their wife - yes it's almost always a wife because for some reason men don't tend to fall in love with people they'll likely have to care for some day - is still only in her 50s, that means she'll still be in her prime while her partner will be in old age. To pretend that's not an issue is a bit Pollyannish.

You don't just immediately write them off because they're older. How shallow.

A lot of people here - including the long vanished OP - are immediately writing off men of their own age. Is that shallow? And of course virtually all men must be shallow by your definition, as almost none of them pair up with decades older women.

Obviously I'm showing bias but even if wasn't in an age gap relationship I'd still think this thread is shit.

That's OK. It's a discussion open to anyone who wants to comment, they don't need your approval.

How sad to view older men as just financially secure and young women as just a pair of perky breasts. What a simplistic and depressing view on other humans.

Oh I agree! And it's worth pointing out that those putting forward these views are, without any exception that I can see, those defending older men pairing up with much younger women.

Imagine a bunch of men sitting around talking about pot bellies and saggy old tits on women just because they had reached a certain age

They do. All the time! so sorry, not feeling any guilt whatsoever about that. Men have judged women for decades on their appearance so it’s about time we did the same.

Imagine a bunch of men sitting around talking about pot bellies and saggy old tits on women just because they had reached a certain age!

You think men don't talk like this?

Alternatively: Imagine an overwhelmingly male discussion board saying how great it is for young men in their prime to be getting it on with decades older women. It wouldn't happen, would it?

I know of two age-gap relationships in my own family.
My Dad and Mum met when he was 36 and she was 20, and she was warned by well-meaning friends that she would be left caring for an old man, and then be a young lonely widow - in fact she was the one who died first, after 51 years of the happiest marriage imaginable, leaving my Dad a lonely widower for 13 years -he was 102 when he died.

The second is a relative, who is 16 years younger than their spouse - not only that but they met online on a gaming site, lived on opposite sides of the Atlantic and the older partner has two teenage sons. They've been married very happily over ten years now, and have outlasted the marriages of several friends who prophesied disaster. But in their case, it's the woman who is the older partner.

@LexMitior only with people as unpleasant as yourself I imagine. I find most people worth knowing just live and let live rather than finding 'amusement' in the lives of others. Maybe find a hobby to give yourself some amusement.

I am right then.I don't disagree with big age gap relationships. I do generally think it's funny. It's definitely attention seeking. Older men are predisposed to feel infatuated with younger women. It's cringy each to their own.

@IcedPurple and if you saw such a conversation between men you'd think it was acceptable would you? Regardless of gender it's disgraceful and saying 'well men talk like this too' is incredibly childish.

I haven't written off or opted against men my own age. I've dated plenty. What I've said many many times is that if you find the right person for you then age shouldn't matter so much. I didn't make a conscious choice to go for an older man I just happened to fall in love with one.

The sweeping generalisations, prejudice and the sheer nastiness on here are disgraceful.

@IcedPurple and if you saw such a conversation between men you'd think it was acceptable would you? Regardless of gender it's disgraceful and saying 'well men talk like this too' is incredibly childish.

Huh? It was YOU who brought up the issue of men talking like this! Which they do, all the time.

I haven't written off or opted against men my own age.

I never said you had. I said the OP and other posters have. They must be incredibly shallow according to your logic.

The sweeping generalisations, prejudice and the sheer nastiness on here are disgraceful.

Yes we get that you feel that way. You keep telling us. What do you want us to do about it? I don't see much 'nastiness' here, though I do see some incredibly defensive people trying to manipulate the discussion by name-calling. Nobody is forced to read or comment here. If you're finding it so very dreadful, by all means walk on by.

@Disillusioneddaisy but lots of people on this thread, including OP have said that they are only interested in older men and simply wouldn't be attracted to anyone their own age. Just basing opinions on what here are saying, not some sweeping judgement

@IcedPurple

The possibility of it happening also hurts. A lot of younger women also wouldn’t and don’t date older men with kids. Also, let’s be real a lot of divorced men with kids don’t really have “childcare responsibilities”. You just have to look at the relationships thread to see women complaining about Diseney Dads & dads who haven’t seen their kids in months.

@Russellbrandshair

What happens when the younger woman ages? Noone stays in their 20s forever.

Never understand this argument. Even when the younger woman ages she will still be younger than the man. She’ll still be less wrinkled etc etc than women his own age. HTH.

Yes but the properly pervy ones will trade her in. Look at the lovely Leo. You hit 25 you’re history.

My ex boss told an adorable joke “what’s the similarity between a woman and a Christmas cake? No one wants them after the 25th”. Oh how we laughed . It’s the sexism and misogyny I object to. Obviously doesn’t apply to all age gap relationships but surely you can see why some women are not 100% supportive?