To feel disappointed about the attitude towards age gap relationships on MN

[Daxilove]

Noticed a thread on here earlier about a woman whose DH left her for a much younger woman. Not condoning that particular scenario at all but I noticed so many of the comments were about the fact that there’s no way the relationship would last due to the age gap, they can’t have anything in common, OW must be a gold digger to be interested in an older man and so on.

I’m young (26) and don’t find myself attracted to men my own age at all. I usually choose to date men between 40-50 and am currently in a relationship with a 47 year old. We have lots in common, plenty to talk about and genuine mutual attraction. Yes DP is a high earner, but I am too and I’m certainly not after his money, I have my own! We love to spend our money on luxurious holidays, eating out at special places, shopping for nice things etc. As a feminist, it makes me disappointed to think that people must see us out and about together and assume that I’m some sort of gold digger or he’s a “sugar daddy”. Is this really still what people automatically think of age gap relationships in this day and age?!

The possibility of it happening also hurts.

To you maybe, not to me. Not only because I'm not married and don't have kids, but because I can't imagine living a life 'hurting' because of the minute 'possibility' that my man will run off with some hard titted student. Most middle aged men simply aren't that attractive full-stop, and certainly not to young women. So I don't think much hypothetical 'hurting' is called for.

Also, let’s be real a lot of divorced men with kids don’t really have “childcare responsibilities”

A man who can't be bothered to take care of his existing children is no catch. And neither is the young woman who can do no better than him.

Never understand this argument. Even when the younger woman ages she will still be younger than the man. She’ll still be less wrinkled etc etc than women his own age

You're right. You don't understand the argument. If a woman's only value is her youth and bouncy tits (as you suggest) that's going to expire pretty quickly. If a man, to use your words has traded their wife in "for a younger model who is fitter, less wrinkly, perkier boobs, slim", then things are going to go south along with the once perky boobs, and her 'mature' husband will be another of those saddos chasing disgusted young chicks on dating sites.

Everyone who is old was once young. Everyone who is young will one day be old. If youth is your only asset, you've not got much going for you.

@IcedPurple I brought up the issue but you seemed to use the argument of 'men talking like this all the time' as some kind of defence that makes it ok. It's not. Insults about the bodily appearance of others regardless of gender are not ok imo. Especially age related issues like sagging that will probably come to us all. Just not very classy is it? I teach my kids to be kind and never to make personal remarks about how people look but apparently this isn't a nasty thread....

Yes the op seems to have a preference for older men rather mine was more coincidental. I guess it's similar to how some women prefer black men or tall men or sporty men. It's not the way I select a partner and I do think it's quite shallow. For me the combination of mutual attraction, good morals, shared views and generally getting along is what's important. But each to their own.

Thanks I will be walking on by because frankly this 'non nasty' thread makes for very depressing reading.

Most middle aged men simply aren't that attractive full-stop

“Most middle aged women simply aren’t that attractive full-stop”

Is that OK?

Im sure if somebody said the reverse of your statement, you’d be very offended

Yes but the properly pervy ones will trade her in. Look at the lovely Leo. You hit 25 you’re history.

Thing is though, while one of the biggest stars in the world may be able to go from young model to young model, your average bloke certainly won't. Even if he's 'lucky' enough to bag himself a young chick once, it's unlikely he'll be able to repeat the 'feat' indefinitely. Unless perhaps he signs up for one of those grim 'matrimonial agencies' in Thailand or Ukraine. Though of course Thai and Ukrainian woman also age....

If youth is your only asset, you've not got much going for you.

You still don’t seem to understand what I was saying. Being young isn’t the asset, being younger is. Being younger than someone is indefinite.

*“Most middle aged women simply aren’t that attractive full-stop”

Is that OK?*

Hate to disappoint you and interrupt your faux indignation but yes, it's perfectly fine. I'm middle aged and don't consider myself a great catch, and neither are most of my contemporaries. Which isn't to say they may not be attractive to individual men, but certainly they're not going to have fit young men chasing after them.

Again, sorry to disappoint.

You still don’t seem to understand what I was saying. Being young isn’t the asset, being younger is. Being younger than someone is indefinite.

But you - not me - specifically mentioned smooth skin and perky boobs as the reasons for a young woman's attraction to a middle aged dad. Even if she's decades younger than him, they're not going to last. And what then?

I'm middle aged and don't consider myself a great catch, and neither are most of my contemporaries.

😂 & with that I leave this thread to you. Enjoy harping on about how unacceptable age-gap relationships are & how it can’t possible be due to love as all middle aged people are unattractive, all while being Middle Aged yourself & very much single & alone.

Enjoy x

Middle aged people aren'tas attractive as younge rpeople, it's hardly shocking,is it?

I, and most people, think young women who go after codgers, and the deluded codgers themselves are ridiculous and cringeworthy. If you are half of one of these couples,I wish you the best, live your best life, but I'll still be laughing at you from afar.

I think these extreme age gap relationships are becoming less common anyway, as women earn good money and it becomes less socially acceptable. If either of my children brought home someone 20 years younger or older, I'd tell them how ashamed I was and encourage them to go find someone more appropriate.

@plantainchips

I'm happily married to someone my age, and if I wasn't I would much, much rather be single for the rest of my life than settle for some creepy old codger.

I think you are a man posting in defence of his right to be a tragic pervy bastard

@IcedPurple

Why do you assume the men who are leaving their wives for younger women, are looking for something that will "last"?

The fear of a lack of lifetime guarantee on the relationship is hardly the thing that drives some men towards liaisons with youthful women. It's probably the very transience that they're seeking.

Daddy issues much?

@Disillusioneddaisy

I get you don’t like it - but all I’ve said reflects reality. I have made no personal remarks against you, but you did against me.

So perhaps look to the mote in your own eye when you say the world should be a nicer place without judgment.

Why do you assume the men who are leaving their wives for younger women, are looking for something that will "last

I'm not. The women will likely dump them pretty quickly in any case.

The fear of a lack of lifetime guarantee on the relationship is hardly the thing that drives some men towards liaisons with youthful women. It's probably the very transience that they're seeking.

Perhaps. But men cope with singledom much less well than women, and divorced men are much more likely to express an interest in remarriage than women. So they'll likely be looking for a long-term relationship at some point, and it's unlikely to be with a young woman.

Ifind it interesting that when a man leaves his wife for a OW who happens to be a lot younger that becomes a massive focal point usually because he’s some tragic bastard going through a mid-life crisis.

I dont believe anyone cant see what creepy about a man or woman who will only date people alot younger that them.

I also dont get people saying "so shallow ro discount someone because they are older' but not seeing that the people we are talking about discount people who are older AND their own age. How is that different?

The fear of a lack of lifetime guarantee on the relationship is hardly the thing that drives some men towards liaisons with youthful women. It's probably the very transience that they're seeking. which is exactly why those men are more likely to keep trying to go after younger and younger women.

A man who fancies twenty year olds in his 40’s almost certainly still fancies twenty year olds in their 60’s. Because if attraction is what you go for and have no inclination towards permanency, then it stands to reason that you are going to focus on that which you find most attractive in the short term...

*n your previous post you said 18-19 rather than 17-18 but ok.

My view is that age is rarely a reflection on personality. You could have a twenty something you has been through more, travelled more, learned more, experienced more than someone in their fifties*

You have contradicted yourself here. If age shouldn't matter then WHY are some men, some, not all, but some men consistently going for women who are barely past the legal age of consent?

Why would they do this if there are lots options to choose from and age is only number- why seek out only young partners then? The men who sleazed over me when I was 17/18 and they were age 45, did NOT do it because I was experienced and wise and we were compatible- I wasnt. I was inexperienced and scared of them which is exactly why they came on to me and at that point they had no idea if we would be compatible or not which proves there was something weird and creepy going on that they were chasing after very very young girls who clearly weren't interested in them.

A man in his 40-50 years who consistently targets women who are only barely legal adults is creepy as fck and I will never ever change my mind about that. In fact, I'm shocked there are people here justifying it. Its shocking.

A man who fancies twenty year olds in his 40’s almost certainly still fancies twenty year olds in their 60’s. Because if attraction is what you go for and have no inclination towards permanency, then it stands to reason that you are going to focus on that which you find most attractive in the short term...

Exactly.

I'm 50 and when it comes to finding someone physically attractive, I almost always prefer younger men, in their early 40s at most. I suspect I always will. But that's simple physical attraction, which is superficial and fades with time. For an actual long-term relationship I'd go for men about my own age. However, if all I valued in a man was firm pecs and unlined skin, I'd be caught in a circle of constantly looking for the next young piece, with the age grap growing ever wider and more pathetic.

Happily, I've got more sense and self-respect than that.

A man in his 40-50 years who consistently targets women who are only barely legal adults is creepy as fck and I will never ever change my mind about that. In fact, I'm shocked there are people here justifying it. Its shocking.

Sadly I'm not shocked.

I've read enough discussions here with people justifying such relationships because 'Girls are so much more mature than boys', 'He really didn't know how young I was for ages', 'I had lived away from home since I was 15 so of course I was as mature as a man in his 40s even though I was a teen' sort of thing.

And yet, just last week, when someone posted a thread saying she fancied her 17 year old (male) colleague, it got shut down for 'trolling'. Go figure, as the Americans might say.

stays in their 20s forever.

Never understand this argument. Even when the younger woman ages she will still be younger than the man. She’ll still be less wrinkled etc etc than women his own age. HTH*

Yes and women who are younger than her will have even less wrinkles or saggy bits. If he has form for leaving wives and being flattered by younger women then of course when you get older a younger woman will look attractive in comparison to you. Isn’t it obvious? It is to me. Let me give you an example- your husband is 60, you are 40, are you less “wrinkled” than 60 year old women? Yes. Are you less wrinkled than 20 or 30 year old women? No way. So what’s to stop him upgrading again? Many men do this- it’s practically become a cliche in celebrity circles.

And yes, the whole 'age is just a number' line only ever seems to be brought out when the man is much older than the woman/girl.

Couldnt agree more. And part of desire for women is feeling desired. Im not sure that the type of man who seeks a much younger partner cares if he is desired or not. So long as he gets sex and so long as she makes him look good. Generalisation perhaps but im it explains why more women dont go for younger men. They want to be wanted. Genuinely wanted. Jmo.

And part of desire for women is feeling desired. Im not sure that the type of man who seeks a much younger partner cares if he is desired or not. So long as he gets sex and so long as she makes him look good. Generalisation perhaps but im it explains why more women dont go for younger men. They want to be wanted. Genuinely wanted. Jmo.

I agree with that. If I was with a gorgeous young men but suspected that he was only with me because I was rich (I'm not, but hypothetically!) or could get him a visa to let him escape his impoverished country, I wouldn't enjoy it at all. I'd want him to want me at least as much as I wanted him. If I knew he was only with me because of what I could do for him, then I'd rather make my own fun, so to speak!

I'd like to think some men at least feel the same way. But going by the number of unattracive older men with hot young women, at least some of them don't care that she's only after him for the money, or are delusional enough to think she really has the hots for him. Hard to know which is worse.