To feel disappointed about the attitude towards age gap relationships on MN

[Daxilove]

Noticed a thread on here earlier about a woman whose DH left her for a much younger woman. Not condoning that particular scenario at all but I noticed so many of the comments were about the fact that there’s no way the relationship would last due to the age gap, they can’t have anything in common, OW must be a gold digger to be interested in an older man and so on.

I’m young (26) and don’t find myself attracted to men my own age at all. I usually choose to date men between 40-50 and am currently in a relationship with a 47 year old. We have lots in common, plenty to talk about and genuine mutual attraction. Yes DP is a high earner, but I am too and I’m certainly not after his money, I have my own! We love to spend our money on luxurious holidays, eating out at special places, shopping for nice things etc. As a feminist, it makes me disappointed to think that people must see us out and about together and assume that I’m some sort of gold digger or he’s a “sugar daddy”. Is this really still what people automatically think of age gap relationships in this day and age?!

And yes, the whole 'age is just a number

yes, its complete hypocrisy. If age is just a number then why are these creeps only dating women aged 19? why not date women age 27 or 34 or 45 or 65 or 72?

Age is just a number after all right? what BS

I'm bemused by the various pontifications about what defects of character or personality would lead a man to want a woman a few decades younger.

When a dating web site tracked what their users were looking at, men in every age group were on average looking at 22-year-olds. Desiring younger women isn't abnormal, it's standard.

The constraining factor that makes such relationships relatively uncommon is not the number of men that desire younger women, it's the limited number of women interested in older men.

Thing is, I don’t think that anyone is under any illusions about the types of men those in celebrity circles who go after young women are.

E.g. everyone knows that Peter Stringfellow is a sleazy fucker who goes after younger women to boost his ego and probably for the sex and conversely the women who end up with the likes of him, mick jagger, simon cowell and any other aging celebs who renew their bit of eye candy every couple of years or so are almost certainly in it for the money and potential prestige.

So why do people think that ordinary every day old men who go after young women’ aren’t sleazy fuckers in their own right?

The only difference here is that the older men out there on the street are less likely to attract these younger types because they don’t have as much to offer, so to speak. Doesn’t make them any less sleazy for wanting those younger women in the first place though.

@Sh0na

" Im not sure that the type of man who seeks a much younger partner cares if he is desired or not. So long as he gets sex and so long as she makes him look good. "

I am not one of these men, but I think your whole thesis on "doesn't care if he's desired or not" isn't quite on the mark.

Men of that age who seek younger women, just want to be flattered, generally by that younger person being impressed or wowed by something (their ability to select interesting dates, pay for things that someone of their age couldn't, etc).

Whether they are physically admired or desired is sort of moot - one of my mates knows he is no oil painting but he scoffs at even considering that as a metric.

He knows he can do better than other good-looking mates just because he has decent enough chat/banter, he's superb at organising relevant types of dates (rooftop bar, drops a few hundred on cocktails for lady + mates) and he just wants to be listened to as if he's the most interesting chap on offer.

They might be delusional here, as a PP said, but actually for some people I know, it's a "known" delusion. They accept that there's a game to be played here, they feel they're holding some cards, and they play them.

When a dating web site tracked what their users were looking at, men in every age group were on average looking at 22-year-olds. Desiring younger women isn't abnormal, it's standard.

I think this has more to do with the fact that a lot of men are incredibly delusional, and the 'kid in a sweet shop' mentality than online dating encourages. Also, if by 'desire' you mean 'find physically attractive' then yeah, younger women tend to be more physically attractive, as of course do younger men. In the real world, most men aren't chasing women half their age, although obviously enough of them are to make this discussion we're having possible.

So why do people think that ordinary every day old men who go after young women’ aren’t sleazy fuckers in their own right? I dont know!

I do know that in real life, people definitely find this strange and disturbing. As I said before, I dont believe that the people saying its fine and "age is just a number" would really feel that way if a 50 year old man was hounding their 17/18 year old daughter for a date. I also dont believe their much older partners would want that for their daughter either- even if they did it themselves.

Gindaddy obviously taking about himself there

When I was in my teens/20s I wouldn't have looked twice at a 40 year old, no matter how good their 'chat'. They were old men to me, and laughably tragic when they tried it on.I was having se with men my own age who I found attractive. But then, I felt I had a lot going for me and had high self esteem.

TB brutally H, the women I know who went for older men usually weren't very successful in dating people their own age, either because they weren't considered attractive or had personality issues. For a lecherous old man, all they see is youth and don't care as much about the above, they'll have anyone.

I remember watching a documentary about Anna NicoleSmith and that old guy she married.

The old rich guy was getting tearful, saying he just couldn't believe she would love someone like him.

Even then I remember thinking: what? she doesn't love, you are an old man to her, you, she's just marrying you for your money.

Nobody was looking at that man and thinking anything other than: what a deluded old fool. Why do men think it's a good look?

The old rich guy was getting tearful, saying he just couldn't believe she would love someone like him

I remember that. Surely he didnt really think she was in love with him?!

In the words of Mrs Merton:

"what first attracted you to the billionaire J Howard Marshall?"

I remember being gobsmacked that he truly thought she was madly in love with him, an 89 year old man.

Same as experience for me and my friends when younger @AlexanderHalexander - I find anyone who thinks otherwise is totally deluded and feel quite sad and sorry for them.

I've seen more robust markers of healthy self esteem and high SMV than fervid sneering at women with different sexual preferences, and insisting that those preferences suggest that those that possess them are somehow unattractive.

And as for the reply to someone politely saying that they had thick skin re criticism of their relationship that "it's a good thing [they] do because everybody's laughing at [them]"... I'm not sure I've ever seen anything more rabidly bitter on here, frankly. What a bizarrely vitriolic set of messages. Nobody that ultimately regarded these relationships with casual amusement or bafflement would waste energy trying to force those happily participating in them to believe that they were figures of fun. What would be the point?

And rather disingenuous to make inflammatory remarks about certain sorts of relationship (I note we have gradually slid from the women in their 20s+ and men 15-20 years older to schoolgirls and 52-year-old dads) and then accuse those people who come in to defend their relationships from what they perceive to be unfair criticism of being somehow suspiciously defensive. My God, why all this anger?

The point is that youth is desirable. That’s the actual point for both sexes. Neither sex typically goes out and says “I want a middle aged partner” if they are young.

If you are an older man, then yes, you have to spend to get that attention. It is what you use to offset the fact that you are less fit, virile, more bald, whatever. And yes you can chat and convey that you are a real person with real ideas - but unless you are totally deluded (and some may be so) - then you will know that you will have to keep on in that way, spending your way out of a paunch or a bald spot.These men know that. What may be a little bit more odd is that they women they attract get very good at insisting it is not about “lifestyle”. They tell themselves that, and him, and you.

That’s why people do laugh because this is so obvious. And people pretending that things aren’t as they seem can be funny. Mrs Merton makes jokes about it. I’ve seen people do it socially. Macron has to put up with it.

And no, I doubt that some of the posters here would be delighted if their daughter turned up at 20 with a partner of 40. A parent would be concerned at that - because of the obvious power imbalance.

Not one of those of my partners that's been significantly older than me has been wealthy, Several have been anything but.

It would be daft to pretend that wealth isn't a considerable advantage for older men in the dating game, but a middle-aged guy who is sufficiently pleasant/charismatic and in decent nick physically certainly doesn't need to splash cash for women to be interested.

Of course delusion has a comic quality, but many - arguably most - people in age gap relationships know the score to a greater or lesser extent. It's daft to compare an ordinary woman and an ordinary man with eg a 15 year age gap to Anna-Nicole and some antediluvian Uncle Pennybags. And with moderate age gaps - say, a woman of 28 and a man in his early 40s - IME this isn't something that people tend to derive amusement from at all. Why should they? Who cares?

You’re the only one expressing anger MouseClogs. The other posts seem observational to me not angry. Seriously touching a nerve with you though.

And with moderate age gaps - say, a woman of 28 and a man in his early 40s - IME this isn't something that people tend to derive amusement from at all.

They certainly do if it happens to be the woman who is older. And personally I wouldn't consider an age gap of 15 years to be 'moderate'.

Neither sex typically goes out and says “I want a middle aged partner” if they are young.

This thread does seem to challenge that

No anger from me - just pity and feeling sad and sorry for the women and men involved. Couldn't actually care less in the grand scheme of things but as mentioned above, feel pity for those involved. I wouldn't like it for my own children, so may vocalise it if that were to be the case, but as all my kids have decent self esteem and no daddy issues, I doubt it'll be a situation I have to face first hand given their current ages and no signs of anything like that so far.

I don’t think you need to be a millionaire for this dynamic to exist. A 40 plus man is likely to have assets, a house, pension etc. He can (assuming not a total failure) take you to nice places. This is attractive in a way, but it is not the normal dynamic between a couple. There is therefore an imbalance and it is both recognised and remarked on by people. Pretending otherwise is silly.

What is very interesting is that some posters have apparently never noticed this. Tells you how polite people are in the main!

A 40 plus man is likely to have assets, a house, pension etc. He can (assuming not a total failure) take you to nice places.

I don't really get this assumption that just because you're in your 40s, you must be financially stable. Plenty of men and women in their 40s are unemployed, in debt, working in crap minimum wage jobs etc. Also, it's quite likely - though of course not inevitable - that a man in his 40s will already have been married and have children. Unless he's very wealthy, that's going to have a considerable impact on his finances. I would say that a young man with a good job and no baggage in the form of mortgages and kids would be likely to have more disposable income and be able to show a girl a good time than a divorced dad in his 40s. Very likely fitter too!

MsTSwift

I don't think we're reading the same thread, in that case. E.g, "you may not care but please know that everyone is laughing at you" to someone that was gently defending their (not particularly large) age gap relationship is pretty obviously a remark that comes from an angry place.

@IcedPurple

I wouldn’t disagree that not everyone in their 40s is financially sorted. They may not be. But in the scenario where you are 28 and the prospective partner is unemployed and without anything to their name, then there are other questions you might want to ask!

I’m not angry- why would I be? Peoples dating lives don’t affect me at all. I don’t want an older man, I like younger men personally- more stamina!

I don’t see anger so much as bemusement at the people tying themselves in knots trying to justify why a middle aged man pursuing teenagers is “normal”. It’s not normal and we all know that.

As for the whole “I don’t care what people think”, that’s good. No one should care what others think. But people are laughing at ridiculous age gaps, they might not be saying it to your face but people are talking about it and judging it. All humans judge and anyone who says they don’t is simply a liar. We all make judgements of people around us, and it doesn’t make you morally superior to everyone else because you think nothing of a 40 year old dating a teen.

The reason old dudes need money to attract young women is to make up for their lack of physical attractiveness and the fact they are much older than the younger men they are in competition with. If this wasn’t the case then sugar daddy websites wouldn’t exist, they would simply be “daddy” websites hork. Without the sugar, no one would be interested.

russellbrandshair Where in here has anyone said that they are comfortable with middle-aged men chasing teenagers?

Where in here has anyone said that they are comfortable with middle-aged men chasing teenagers?

Read back a few pages - it’s there, apparently 18 year old ls can be just as mature as 30 year olds depending on life experience and age is just a number blah blah