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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU or is this child abuse?

142 replies

StressedDuck · 30/12/2019 17:23

Basically a lot has gone on between me and my ex with our 2 yr old son. I’m pretty sure my ex and his gf emotionally abuse my son but I’m not sure how serious it is and if everything I think is abuse actually is counted as abuse.
I’ll start off with his gf. Shes been around from the beginning and the whole time she been throwing things around our son, like her phone or charger, and shouting and causing arguments with my ex about the tiniest things in front of my son. She’s also calling herself mummy to my son and controls when I can see him. She also verbally abuses me and puts me down in front of my son.
Now I will get to my ex. He’s had custody of my son since he was 6 months. I voluntarily gave him custody because I was struggling and I thought it was what was best at the time. Ever since then he has told me multiple lies to get things the way he wants and attempts to manipulate me. He also verbally abuses me and my partner and has threatened to hit my partner before. He makes rules he wants me to stick to and if I dont, I dont get to see my son. I asked him if I could take my son to my stepdads for boxing day or my family gathering on new years (different parts of the family) so he can see his family and get xmas presents but he declined, saying they dont make any effort the rest of the year, but they wont want to talk to my ex and they never know when i have him so its difficult for them to see him. A few days before xmas I asked him to give me an hour with my son at my house (which breaks one of his rules) so he could open his xmas presents from me. He said no but I had had enough of playing by his rules so I just took my son, which I know wasn’t the best decision but an hour for my son to open his presents isnt unreasonable. He is now saying he wants to remove my parental responsibility because I ‘tried to kidnap him’ (which I cant do when hes my child) and has thrown a lot of verbal abuse at me, which is making me worry for my safety as well as my sons. During this he also asked me for my address because he said the health visitor is updating her records,which I’m pretty sure is a lie since I’m not the resident parent. So he just wants my address (I just moved a few months ago) which is scaring me and my partner a bit.
I know I didn’t go into too much detail, but can all this be counted as emotional abuse? And is it bad enough to contact a child support line to ask their advice?

OP posts:
ohwheniknow · 30/12/2019 17:25

Women's Aid 0808 2000 247

PotteringAlong · 30/12/2019 17:28

I don’t think it’s unreasonable for the resident parent to want the address of the non-resident parent.

flickeringcandle45 · 30/12/2019 17:33

I think it is reasonable for the resident parent to want the address of the NR parent if the child is spending time there.

His behaviour re rules sounds controlling. In your circumstances I would consult a solicitor or Citizens Advice with a view to getting a properly mediated child arrangements order which both you and your ex would have to follow.

Heismyopendoor · 30/12/2019 17:37

I think you need to get proper contact set up via courts.

lyingwanker · 30/12/2019 17:37

I would go to court if I were you and apply for a regular contact order. I would absolutely be pushing for 50/50 if you are in the position to. Save the abusive texts and save any other evidence of his unreasonable behaviour too.

Tistheseason17 · 30/12/2019 17:37

How did the voluntary custody work?

Is it a formally documented legal agreement or did you simply hand your baby over when you were extremely vulnerable? Flowers

What has happened in the past does not define the future - you can get custody amended.

Soontobe60 · 30/12/2019 17:38

@pottering
Unless it's a safety issue.
OP, as the NRP, what actual contact arrangements are in place? If there is nothing formal as agreed by the courts then you need to go down this route.
I'm not sure how you know all the things you claim are happening as your child is too young to tell you. Also, how did you manage to take your child?

ohprettybaby · 30/12/2019 17:40

I don't think your ex's gf arguing with your ex and throwing things about in front of your day can be considered as emotionally abusive. Neither would I consider verbally abusing you in front of him being emotionally abusive toward him. It is appalling behaviour by her but not abusing him.

It does sound like your ex is emotionally abusive toward you but why the preoccupation with labelling their behaviour? It is poor behaviour and no harm can be achieved by contacting a child support line for advice.

What I would suggest is going to court for a revised access order. You cannot continue to not know when you can see your son. Get it court-ordered so your ex cannot withhold contact between you and your DC.

Don't give him your address unless you have an order for seeing your son (your ex might need to pick him up from yours).

crispysausagerolls · 30/12/2019 17:40

I would be extremely interested to hear his side of this

Original poster
StressedDuck · 30/12/2019 17:46

My ex has never allowed me to have my child at my house, so he’s never needed my address. And I’m now worried for mine and my partners safety so I’m not giving him my address.
Theres no formal agreement in place. We spoke about it when it was too much for me any more and I just gave him custody, thinking he would work with me. And at the start we were on a talking basis and he didnt have anyone to rant to about his gf so he just told me things himself.

OP posts:
Spitsandspots · 30/12/2019 17:50

Theres no formal agreement in place. We spoke about it when it was too much for me any more and I just gave him custody

Do you mean you just verbally agreed that DS should stay full time with his dad?

Tink88 · 30/12/2019 17:51

You need to contact a solicitor. I suspect there is a lot more to this and you need professional legal advise and go from there

3rdNamechange · 30/12/2019 17:54

Please go to a solicitor and get proper access arrangements otherwise they will keep dictating when you can see him. Good luck

Original poster
StressedDuck · 30/12/2019 17:57

I am going to go to a solicitor and get it sorted. Just wondered if there was anything more I could do.

OP posts:
Greysparkles · 30/12/2019 18:02

If my ex took my small children without my agreement, to their home, which I didn't know the address of, I'd also be calling that kidnap!!

Pollyhops · 30/12/2019 18:07

Go and see a lawyer ASAP and get things sorted.

Pollyhops · 30/12/2019 18:07

Sorry posts crossed.

crispysausagerolls · 30/12/2019 18:13

If my ex took my small children without my agreement, to their home, which I didn't know the address of, I'd also be calling that kidnap

Quite!

HanginWithMyGnomies · 30/12/2019 18:14

Being verbally and physically aggressive in front of your son, is abuse. What you’re describing is domestic abuse in the home situation! Picking arguments, shouting, throwing items, manipulating the child, threading violence against your partner?

Seek legal advice and contact ss to report the situation ASAP. This is not healthy for your child.

HanginWithMyGnomies · 30/12/2019 18:16

@Greysparkles you can’t kidnap your own child. It’s not appropriate, but it’s not kidnap.

reginafelangee · 30/12/2019 18:18

You need to get proper context sorted out.

Here is info on what to do

www.gov.uk/looking-after-children-divorce/types-of-court-order

He has no right to your address.

PR is only removed in extreme cases and not just because dad is annoyed at you.

Good luck n

reginafelangee · 30/12/2019 18:19

Contact not context

GreenTulips · 30/12/2019 18:19

Decide how much contact you want and approach the courts

itsgettingweird · 30/12/2019 18:19

I agree that proper court ordered contact needs drawing up.

Judges won't get into a slinging match. They want facts. Don't have arguments via text message or email but do keep a record of all requests for contact and his replies.

Simple things like. Can we arrange contact for dc this week. I'd like to see him x amount of time.

AloneLonelyLoner · 30/12/2019 18:21

You absolutely can be convicted of kidnap of your own child. This is especially pertinent when there is no rights in place for you to see your child and you've given them up, which the OP has.