AIBU or is this child abuse?

[StressedDuck]

Basically a lot has gone on between me and my ex with our 2 yr old son. I’m pretty sure my ex and his gf emotionally abuse my son but I’m not sure how serious it is and if everything I think is abuse actually is counted as abuse.
I’ll start off with his gf. Shes been around from the beginning and the whole time she been throwing things around our son, like her phone or charger, and shouting and causing arguments with my ex about the tiniest things in front of my son. She’s also calling herself mummy to my son and controls when I can see him. She also verbally abuses me and puts me down in front of my son.
Now I will get to my ex. He’s had custody of my son since he was 6 months. I voluntarily gave him custody because I was struggling and I thought it was what was best at the time. Ever since then he has told me multiple lies to get things the way he wants and attempts to manipulate me. He also verbally abuses me and my partner and has threatened to hit my partner before. He makes rules he wants me to stick to and if I dont, I dont get to see my son. I asked him if I could take my son to my stepdads for boxing day or my family gathering on new years (different parts of the family) so he can see his family and get xmas presents but he declined, saying they dont make any effort the rest of the year, but they wont want to talk to my ex and they never know when i have him so its difficult for them to see him. A few days before xmas I asked him to give me an hour with my son at my house (which breaks one of his rules) so he could open his xmas presents from me. He said no but I had had enough of playing by his rules so I just took my son, which I know wasn’t the best decision but an hour for my son to open his presents isnt unreasonable. He is now saying he wants to remove my parental responsibility because I ‘tried to kidnap him’ (which I cant do when hes my child) and has thrown a lot of verbal abuse at me, which is making me worry for my safety as well as my sons. During this he also asked me for my address because he said the health visitor is updating her records,which I’m pretty sure is a lie since I’m not the resident parent. So he just wants my address (I just moved a few months ago) which is scaring me and my partner a bit.
I know I didn’t go into too much detail, but can all this be counted as emotional abuse? And is it bad enough to contact a child support line to ask their advice?

I believe that in one post, OP said that her contact with her son is at the ex's house as that is the only contact ex will permit. So perhaps that is how she has witnessed the gf's behaviour.

I dont think there's any more you can do other than see a solicitor ASAP. Keep any abusive messages you've received from your X and his P. Get things sorted legally.

ferrier I think you have commented in response to my pp but believe me to be talking about his family.

@KnowMenClature They won't hound the child to be nasty, at all, but it's incredibly overwhelming for a child in that situation. It wouldn't be nice for him in the slightest.

Just because the intention is not to hound doesn't mean it wouldn't be felt that way.

OP is hardly going to post about that, is she, because she wouldn't see it that way. Life experience tells me otherwise.

I think we need to focus on the facts, or at least what is likely to be the facts from the tale OP is telling us. So:

• OP gave up responsibility for her child shortly after he was born. He is now two. So, presumably, her ex and his gf have been together less than two years, similar to OP and her boyfriend.
• OP seems to know, in a lot of detail, what ex and his partner are like with her son, despite non regular contact and her child being too young to articulate what is happening properly
• OP's boyfriend is "scared" of her ex due to his past, not anything OP's ex has done directly to him
• OP is scared of ex due to his abusive tendencies in the past
• OP is not scared enough of her ex and his partner to have contacted SS and protect her child, for over a year. So either, the abusive tendencies are grossly exaggerated or OP cares more for a flash in the pan boyfriend than her own flesh and blood
• OP took a child from the resident parent with no planning or arrangements being in place. The child doesn't know any of her family due to a lack of contact. The resident parent had no idea where the child was as no address was given.
• Ex's partner is supposedly preventing OP from seeing her child, yet OP hasn't started legal proceedings for over a year so it must not have been that bad

The reality is, the ex could be an abusive scumbag, same with his partner. We don't know their side of the story. But OP has failed her child spectacularly. Her focus is entirely on her boyfriend, who really shouldn't even be on the scene until OP sorts out her relationship with her child. Ex and his partner are apparently the world's worst but it hasn't mattered for months because OP didn't start proceedings to regain custody. She just left her child with them.

I'm sorry, but if you can cope with shacking up with a new guy, you can sure as hell go to SS and report your concerns. You can go to a solicitor for advice. You can start proceedings.

I have sympathy for victims of DA but I don't have sympathy for adults acting like feral cats scrapping over some food. I don't have sympathy of someone who harps on about their bloody boyfriend's safety more than their two year old child. If your boyfriend is so scared he needs to break up with you and go to therapy- he needs to stop standing in the way of you getting your child back.

I doubt OP will do anything. The child will live with the ex, and OP will want sympathy over the situation. The boyfriend will stay for a while then do one. And by the time OP gets a grip, the kid won't be interested. Why, you might ask? Well, one of two reasons:

The child will not want a relationship with his mother because she left him with an abusive father and step mother, knew about it, and did fuck all.

Or

OP was too busy with said boyfriend to establish a relationship with her child. Child now sees step mum as their real mum and has no interest in bio mum because she abandoned him shortly after birth.

I'm not sorry for being harsh. I'm only sorry for that little child. What an awful life he has.

To be fair we do not know the other side to this story. It would be interesting to hear the dads side.

The OP must have left her son for some reason, we do not know why this is. She says she was struggling. This may have been due to being overwhelmed or having PND but it could also be due to substance misuse issues or severe mental health. We do not know.
We cannot really give the correct advice until we know.
I feel it is strange that children's services are not involved as surely a GP or health visitor would have notified them.

With regards to putting her DP first, we do not know how much family and support OP had around her. He could be that only source.

I definitely feel that you need some legal advice. Most family solicitors will give an hours free initial advice.

I feel you will need to start off a proper contact schedule to begin with, it will be very confusing for your son. Aim for a couple of hours unsupervised per week and build up from there. If you can, get another neutral adult to help you for support. It will be a long process but you'll get there.

I've gone through this with both my DSD, we have full custody due to her mums severe mental health but we work with her.

Also my mum had custody of my brother and sister in laws children due to substance misuse. My sister in law got clean and gradually worked to get the girls back in her care. She has them full time now.

@KnowMenClature They won't hound the child to be nasty, at all, but it's incredibly overwhelming for a child in that situation. It wouldn't be nice for him in the slightest.

Hounding was a very extreme term to use, and assumption to make based on nothing said by the OP.

When my little dc had unknown family visitors from overseas,none of them would be imposing themselves on dc to the point of distress! They meet and might try a cuddle or a kiss.or more likely just try to interact a little. People don't do that to dc they don't know.

OP posted for help, and no, others don't get to contribute to her story (like an ex) we have what she's told us. Its the same for every OP.

She's admitted being unable to cope. If, as she says, her ex is abusive, its very common to feel so undermined, battered and unsupported as to be overwhelmed and feel totally incapable.

Women walk away from their dc due to male abuse, fact.

OP you need to speak to the experts at WA and get some advice, plans and support in place and take it from there.

@KnowMenClature hounding is an extreme word to use but accusing someone of abuse isn't? Ok - sure.

You're right. Women walk away from their DCs because of abuse. But OP didn't.
If he's being abusive now then yes she needs to follow proper channels.

But if/when she gets contact or custody, she needs to introduce her family carefully and sensibly (including her DP) and be respectful of the fact that whether she does or doesn't like the way her ex and his girlfriend parent, they've still been there consistently and she will need to work with them.

I'm not understanding your point there.

I took issue with an extreme word used against the OP that was based on nothing, did you read the exchange?

Whereas abuse fits what OP has described.

You need to make an application to court about your contact. If you believe your child is being abused you have a right to protect him and as you have PR you could refuse to return your son after contact, and via court seek residence.

The behaviour of your ex partner and his gf are potentially harmful but beyond what is directly aimed at you I am unclear how you know any of this to be the case.

Your child being exposed to your ex, his gf, you or your partner arguing, throwing things, being verbally abusive or threatening is not acceptable and could constitute as causing emotional harm.

I get the impression you are wondering if you should report your concerns to children social care. If you are genuinely concerned of course, if you think it'll help your case with contact/residence - be careful because as a professional in this field I am very suspicious when situations like this arise as often is tit for tat and allegations made in an attempt to discredit the other parent. I'm not saying this is your situation but think it through properly.

If you do not seek to address this via the court. But do go to social care, you'll be challenged about not seeking to address it via the court.

A lot of women cant face their perps in court.

I am a quite that you wouldn't know this, or at least acknowledge its substantial reason why women would do one but not the other

Honestly, if thats the attitude, no wonder.

I’m afraid without a court order you’re left to dance to his tune. My DHs ex is awful to him but unless he takes her to court we have to play nice. First step is always mediation - this is free if you are low income - then court if that doesn’t work. I think he probably thinks poorly of you if he doesn’t allow you to have your son in your home (not saying it’s true, just speculating that’s probably his view) and you either need to prove to him consistency (which could take years depending on how reasonable/unreasonable he is) or just get yourself started on a legal custody x

You both need to grow up and get a custody order in place.

In abuse first step is definitely not mediation as it puts the dm at further risk.

I've name-changed.

I was left in hospital after being born premature and with a 'poorly' heart. My birth mother's visits became irregular until they, eventually, tailed off. Until they, eventually, stopped. Until they could not locate her and I was put into 'emergency care'.

She then changed her mind and wanted me back. Obviously, SS were not going to let that happen and, in a way, I'm pleased they didn't.

I really don't think certain birth mother's realise the enormity of giving up their children, or in my case, abandoning. They treat it like a game, a bargaining chip.

Then all of a sudden, they think they strike lucky; be it a new boyfriend, new job, etc. And then they want to turn back time, and get pissed off when others' don't play ball.

The problem I have with you, op, is that you only now want your son back because you think he is being mistreated. Does that mean that if you had no grounds to think he was being mistreated, you wouldn't want him back?

I'm unsure why it should have to be outside forces (not related to you, i.e, not self-realisation), that now makes you want your child back?

Why isn't the love from within you enough to want your child back?

If you can't cope with your child, it makes no difference how your ex and his gf are behaving, you can't cope.

I don't get it.

Ps, please note I am not on about every birth mother that gave up their child, and I hope I haven't offended anyone.

In the new year go to citizens advice bureau and get a lawyer, I'm pretty sure you can still get legal aid for family court. Legal aid is only available in family court when there is specific evidence of domestic abuse. eg a caution/conviction/ civil order, medical information, evidence of a stay in a refuge.

It's hard to advise when it sounds like a very chaotic situation for all involved. I feel mainly for the child to be honest, he must wonder what on earth is going on.
Your conditions to him having custody of your son were unreasonable and I wouldn't have agreed to them. Perhaps he agreed just to ensure he had his son with him and could keep him safe.
I think this all needs to go through the courts rather than being argued between the two or you. It doesn't sound like you will be capable of reaching an agreement between the two of you.