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AIBU?

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Original poster

Regifted perfume received for Xmas, what should I do?

305 replies

scubadive · 29/12/2019 10:24

Hi all, I have a friend that I’ve known since school, friends for 40 years. We exchange birthday and Xmas presents although don’t see each other so much now. She lives in my home town, I live 200 mikes away.
For her birthday in August I bought her some perfume, spent a bit more than normal and bought duty free coming back from holiday. Tried lots of perfumes, had assistant opening a number of new testers, choose one I thought was her. Not really me, she wears much stronger perfume than me.

Came to Xmas day, I’m divorced so no partner presents and looking forward to opening 3 presents from friends. I was so shocked to unwrap the perfume I had sent her for her birthday in August.

AIBU to thank her for my returned gift?

For context, they are VERY well off. I’m gutted she thought so little of my chosen present and also that she couldn’t just give it to charity rather than regift it. How could she not remember that I sent her this a few months ago, has she done it on purpose?

I sent her a really nice bracelet that I could ill afford. Sad

OP posts:
redcarbluecar · 30/12/2019 10:11

Agree with Susanne. Definitely don't send that message, but broach the subject of present giving (neutrally) nearer one of your birthdays if you feel that it might be best to stop.
I think this probably was an accidental regift and that she forgot who'd given it to her, but that doesn't make her a bad friend - presents are just things and sometimes people aren't as organised or thoughtful as they could be. In my experience, when you give to friends for both Christmas and birthdays you a) accumulate a lot of stuff and b) run out of gift ideas at some point. You could either raise it with her in a jokey way or just leave it, depending on the nature of your friendship.
The positive thing in all of this is that you now have some really nice perfume.

GiveHerHellFromUs · 30/12/2019 10:12

Your message is horrible but I guess it's one way to make sure you don't have to bother continuing the friendship.

Emeraldshamrock · 30/12/2019 10:35

Yes don't send a message like that. Lots of people pride themself on regifting. She probably forgot you bought it for her.
You are going through a difficult time and taking this as a snub. I doubt she hatched a plan to offend you.
Don't lose a friend over this.

Jemima89 · 30/12/2019 12:06

I wouldn't send that message as it comes across too harsh but I would still say something. Be honest and say you felt hurt. You've known her for 40 years so it shouldn't be too hard.

BlokeNumber9 · 30/12/2019 12:11

It's only a present ffs.

RedDogsBeg · 30/12/2019 12:23

Yes don't send a message like that. Lots of people pride themself on regifting. She probably forgot you bought it for her.

Oh yes OP, never mind your hurt feelings heaven forbid you should upset or offend someone who prides themself on re-gifting but are too lazy or disorganised to note who gave them what in the first place.

Send her a message, I would, along the lines of The gift I gave you for your birthday has come back to me as a Christmas present from you, perhaps it's time we stopped exchanging gifts with each other as we are obviously not hitting the mark with our choices for each other.

HouseworkAvoider10 · 30/12/2019 12:39

Play the long game.
wait until next year, closer to next xmas, and say then that you can't do gifts with her any more.

user1471590586 · 30/12/2019 12:56

Tell her, that you must both have good taste as you selected the same presents for each other.

emilybrontescorsett · 30/12/2019 13:05

I can’t believe the number of people who regift rather than buy a personal, carefully chosen gift.
No wonder lots of people don’t buy gifts for adults if all they receive in return is unwanted crap.

Bananablueberry · 30/12/2019 13:08

I can't believe someone tried to claim no one wears bracelets anymore, what a bizarre statement

Triglesoffy · 30/12/2019 13:30

Print off this thread and send it to her.

Sparkletastic · 30/12/2019 13:34

I would certainly address it in a message. If she's always shite at gifts (sounds like she has previous form) then say 'Thanks for the perfume - is it the same bottle that I gave you? Maybe a meet-up instead of gifts next year?'

FruitcakeOfHate · 30/12/2019 13:48

Now I'm desperate to find out which perfume and which bracelet. Still have some Christmas money and love perfume. And bracelets. I wear bracelets. My teenage DD wears bracelets. She loves them. She got a charm for her Pandora bracelet for one of her gifts and her little boyfriend got her the Pandora crown ring.

TatianaLarina · 30/12/2019 13:48

@emilybrontescorsett

Who says it’s ‘crap’? I get given expensive, good quality stuff that I won’t use. Don’t like Jo Malone anything for example. I’m very particular about perfume. Silk scarves. Wallets. Bags etc.

To someone else it could be a treat.

RedDogsBeg · 30/12/2019 14:00

emilybrontescorsett I agree with you and the idea that re-gifters pride themselves on doing itHmm. All it says to me is - I can't be arsed to spend money, time or thought on a gift for you so I will give you something that someone else spent, money time and thought on, go me no expense or effort required.

HeckyPeck · 30/12/2019 14:16

I actually think you should send that message.

Let her know what a low opinion you have of her & that you’ll always assume the worst.

Triglesoffy · 30/12/2019 16:54

Was it one of these OP?

YouretheChristmasCarcass · 30/12/2019 17:15

I wouldn't send that message. It's rude. Maybe you feel her regifting was rude too, but why return rudeness with rudeness?

Either you value her friendship for itself or you don't. If you do, then you'll shake your head at her 'forgetfulness' and next year you'll spend only what you can easily afford. If you don't, then you'll send a message chiding her for not spending any money on you and the friendship will probably end up dead in the water. Your decision.

Her income and what she can 'afford' to give isn't relevant.

TatianaLarina · 30/12/2019 17:32

I agree with you and the idea that re-gifters pride themselves on doing ithmm. All it says to me is - I can't be arsed to spend money, time or thought on a gift for you so I will give you something that someone else spent, money time and thought on, go me no expense or effort required.

How much thought actually went into a present that the friend (apparently - we don’t know for sure) didn’t like? If you put thought into buying perfume, surely you consider what the receiver likes rather than choosing one you like?

I spend a lot of time and effort on presents personally, and I like to get things that I know the receiver will actually want/use rather than are about me having fun in the choosing.

And of course a regift still factors as an expense as one could just sell the items.

I’d only regift if I have good reason to believe that person would genuinely like and appreciate the item.

emilybrontescorsett · 30/12/2019 17:39

tatiana so you don’t want , why do you think someone else will want it as a birthday or Christmas gift?
You have answered your own question .
You are very particular about what you like.
What if others are too.
For the price of a good quality scarf and a couple of Jo Malone bits, I’d much rather have an experience.
For example im taking my daughter to the theatre to see a show she would like to see.

Last year she took my to the ballet and bought me afternoon tea beforehand.
That is a far better gift than anything you could regift me.

I would say to your friend op, look let’s stop buying gifts for each other now
We did this with the in-laws as I don’t appreciate regifted or generic gifts.

impossible · 30/12/2019 17:43

That's a nasty message to send so I really wouldn't, unless you want to cause worry and upset.

Enjoy the perfume and if you don't want to exchange gifts next year , say so kindly. If you don't want to keep the friendship let it go. I think you're conflating your frustrations with your own life with what you think is going on in her life. Don't do that - you really never know what it going on in someone else's life, especially if you have very little contact.

Emeraldshamrock · 30/12/2019 17:46

I agree with you and the idea that re-gifters pride themselves on doing ithmm
I made this comment. I assure you I don't agree with regifting I put a lot of thought into buying a gift. Though the type of people who regift are usually tight and tight people pride themself on saving a few Bob.
I'd be hurt to but I wouldn't mention it.

lilgreen · 30/12/2019 17:53

I would think that as you thought it was a nice scent, you must like it yourself. I’d never buy someone a perfume I didn’t like unless I knew it was their favourite.

lilgreen · 30/12/2019 17:54

I mean, she probably bought you another bottle.

lilgreen · 30/12/2019 17:58

I got perfume in my secret Santa at work. Not my type of scent at all. Perfume is so personal and nobody would wear a perfume they dislike.

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