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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Regifted perfume received for Xmas, what should I do?

305 replies

scubadive · 29/12/2019 10:24

Hi all, I have a friend that I’ve known since school, friends for 40 years. We exchange birthday and Xmas presents although don’t see each other so much now. She lives in my home town, I live 200 mikes away.
For her birthday in August I bought her some perfume, spent a bit more than normal and bought duty free coming back from holiday. Tried lots of perfumes, had assistant opening a number of new testers, choose one I thought was her. Not really me, she wears much stronger perfume than me.

Came to Xmas day, I’m divorced so no partner presents and looking forward to opening 3 presents from friends. I was so shocked to unwrap the perfume I had sent her for her birthday in August.

AIBU to thank her for my returned gift?

For context, they are VERY well off. I’m gutted she thought so little of my chosen present and also that she couldn’t just give it to charity rather than regift it. How could she not remember that I sent her this a few months ago, has she done it on purpose?

I sent her a really nice bracelet that I could ill afford. Sad

OP posts:
Thehop · 29/12/2019 10:52

Decide not expose, sorry.

NeverTwerkNaked · 29/12/2019 10:54

Surely you can just explain your current situation to your friends?

Original poster
scubadive · 29/12/2019 10:54

But then why buy anyone gifts, family included. Not really the spirit of giving to just buy for yourself instead. Also with 4 children I never ever find money to spend on me, just wouldn’t ever indulge buying perfume, jewellery for myself so the 3 gifts I get at Xmas from friends means something.

OP posts:
NeverTwerkNaked · 29/12/2019 10:55

I would hate to think anyone bought me a present they could ill afford

Blueopal15 · 29/12/2019 10:55

That’s a little sad OP .... I don’t have a problem with people regifting unwanted things - but to give it back to the giver is insensitive .

It’s one I’d file away in the memory bank rather than act on though . If she makes a habit of being insensitive in other ways then perhaps suggest an end to presents for adults

FlossieTeacakesFurCoat18 · 29/12/2019 10:55

But posters here have said they'd have done that because they assumed the giver liked that perfume! Don't ruin a friendship on the assumption she's refuted, when that may be completely wrong.

Batshittery · 29/12/2019 10:55

Sorry that you are having such a shit time OP. Thanks
A friend asked me this year if I would be offended if we stopped exchanging gifts as she was cutting down with family. I wasn't offended at all. Suggest it your friend. It doesn't make you look tight and surely she will understand as you are having a rough time.

rottiemum88 · 29/12/2019 10:55

Difficult to suddenly cut down on what you spend on friends out of the blue

If she's your friend of 40 years and knows your current situation I honestly don't understand why this is at all difficult

bettybattenburg · 29/12/2019 10:56

She doesn’t have shit going on in her life, she posts constantly on Facebook. Multiple holidays abroad every year, Caribbean etc, expensive meals out, balls, parties, you name it, it’s posted.

That doesn't mean a thing, not everybody posts negative stuff in social media. Having all that doesn't mean you don't have shit going on,

ivykaty44 · 29/12/2019 10:56

A real friend wouldn’t think you were being tight if you’re struggling financially, they’d understand the past present and future

Ash39 · 29/12/2019 10:57

"Hey friend, hope you had a nice Christmas! Did you like your gift! Thank you for my perfume. Iol! It's the same one I bought you for your birthday!!! "

Decidewhattobeandgobeit · 29/12/2019 10:57

Do nothing, just laugh about it! To be honest I love regifting. It helps in so many ways!

2020newme · 29/12/2019 10:58

You really don't know it's the same bottle though do you?

DanielRicciardosSmile · 29/12/2019 10:58

The thing is, you don't know for certain whether it's your gift returned, or whether she has indeed bought you the same perfume. And if it is your gift, whether she has done it deliberately or not. Could you thank her saying something along the lines of" ooh lovely, it's the same as the one I bought for you, remember?" and take your cue from her reaction?

SlidingIntoForties · 29/12/2019 10:58

Yet again I am starting to think I just don't have the same kind of friends as other people?

My close friends are people I would and could say...

a) "this was what I bought you" to and have a laugh about it
b) "I am broke so do you mind if we just get each other some silly little pressies or perhaps just meet up for coffee etc?"
c) "I've murdered someone, can you help me bury the body?" Grin

The way friends are described on mn makes me think other people just don't behave like that with their friends?

ivykaty44 · 29/12/2019 10:58

Or just give her the bottle of perfume ...next Christmas 😉 pop a note in saying... liked it so much got you a bottle this year

GoFiguire · 29/12/2019 10:58

You need to give her Toffifee next time.

FairytaleofButlins · 29/12/2019 11:00

Maybe she thought the perfume was a good idea, and didn't remember who bought her one?

I have done that a lot with children: my kids got toys that I thought were great, bought same ones for their friends. I don't think I bought for some people, but who knows...

Perfume is a weird choice, not everybody collects bottles, many women I know only wear ONE perfume and don't change it with the seasons.

Batshittery · 29/12/2019 11:00

OP - it reads to me that you like to exchange gifts as you enjoy what they buy you. Couldn't you give some of the money you normally spend on the friend to one of your DC so they could buy you a surprise gift? (if DC are old enough)
I have expensive tastes, but don't expect my friends to spend loads.

LakieLady · 29/12/2019 11:00

@BaronessBomburst, I hate being bought perfume too, unless it's by DP or a close friend who knows which scents I wear.

It's largely because many perfumes seem to react strangely with my skin though. What smells lovely on someone else often makes me smell like an old tom cat's just pissed on me.

NeverTwerkNaked · 29/12/2019 11:00

I have four children too, and an abusive exH

But you still arent making sense. You are spending money you don't have on friends. If they were good friends they would be horrified to think you were over stretching yourself.

Slomi · 29/12/2019 11:02

My sister buys me perfume for my birthdays. I don't wear it much and I'm not particularly fussy so she buys me brands she loves. I then buy her the same brands on her birthday as I know she'll like them and the thought of finding a new fragrance that suits her just fill me with absolute dread. I hate the thought of perfume shopping, it's something people are so picky about. I think YAB a bit U, you don't know that regifted the same bottle to you.

KatherineJaneway · 29/12/2019 11:05

I only wear a select few perfumes as I am particular about how I smell. Some women you could give them a perfume and they are delighted, others would simply not wear it and regift.

redcarbluecar · 29/12/2019 11:05

I think regifting is a bit naff, but it happens. Last birthday, a friend of mine gave me something I’d given her the year before - presumably a mistake. I just laughed it off. To be fair it was nowhere near as expensive as perfume, but kind of the same principle. My guess is she knows she won’t wear the perfume and wants someone else to have it, but she’s been careless. Still, friendship isn’t all about presents and you can always suggest stopping the gift giving.

VirginiaCreeper · 29/12/2019 11:06

I had a book re-gifted to me. At least it had been read Grin.

Do you value this friendship?
If the answer is yes then you need to rise above it, don't dwell and fester or it will make you miserable and not her.

Other than that I would never spend more than a token amount on a gift for a friend. Most grown adults buy their own perfume and bracelets if they want them. I am thrilled with flowers or a plant from a friend.