Regifted perfume received for Xmas, what should I do?

[scubadive]

Hi all, I have a friend that I’ve known since school, friends for 40 years. We exchange birthday and Xmas presents although don’t see each other so much now. She lives in my home town, I live 200 mikes away.
For her birthday in August I bought her some perfume, spent a bit more than normal and bought duty free coming back from holiday. Tried lots of perfumes, had assistant opening a number of new testers, choose one I thought was her. Not really me, she wears much stronger perfume than me.

Came to Xmas day, I’m divorced so no partner presents and looking forward to opening 3 presents from friends. I was so shocked to unwrap the perfume I had sent her for her birthday in August.

AIBU to thank her for my returned gift?

For context, they are VERY well off. I’m gutted she thought so little of my chosen present and also that she couldn’t just give it to charity rather than regift it. How could she not remember that I sent her this a few months ago, has she done it on purpose?

I sent her a really nice bracelet that I could ill afford.

I think it’s reasonable to mention it - but assume she got it for you since she loved it so much.

“Thanks so much for the perfume. Did you remember it’s the same as the one I gave you for your birthday? Glad you liked it. (Smiley face) x”

Itlf you are going to suggest stopping birthday gifts then do it before anyone has a birthday. My sil accepted my gift to her and then a few nonths later she just got me a card with a message about how it was time we stopped giving each other gifts.

I think I'd send "So I guess you're not keen on then 😂". Keep it light or it will always bug you!

This is why I dislike gifts and presents from and to adults. I've really clear with my family I don't want anymore "stuff" from them and unless they are explicit I won't buy them some random tokenistic gift either! There's too much clutter and stuff in the world as it is...including a load of crap in my house im desperate to get rid of, not add to!

With friends we shout each other gig tickets/theatre/cinema/meals out...much better that way and everyone enjoys it.

tatiana so you don’t want , why do you think someone else will want it as a birthday or Christmas gift?

Because it might be very nice but simply not my taste or I don’t need it.
We’re well off so a lot of stuff I’m given I won’t use.

You have answered your own question
You are very particular about what you like.
What if others are too.
For the price of a good quality scarf and a couple of Jo Malone bits, I’d much rather have an experience.
For example im taking my daughter to the theatre to see a show she would like to see.

Last year she took my to the ballet and bought me afternoon tea beforehand. That is a far better gift than anything you could regift me.

My question was actually - how much thought actually went into a gift of the wrong perfume, if you’re putting thought into buying some, surely you’d get one the recipient actually likes?

If I know you like theatre you could have my theatre vouchers (I have done in the past). You do have to put thought into regifting to ensure the recipient will like it.

TatianaLarina How much thought actually went into a present that the friend (apparently - we don’t know for sure) didn’t like? If you put thought into buying perfume, surely you consider what the receiver likes rather than choosing one you like?

If you read the OP's opening post you would see that the OP actually spent time and gave a lot of thought to choosing the perfume for her friend and didn't jut chose one she liked for herself.

EmeraldShamrock all the more reason to mention it to them in my book, burst their bubble of pride and show it for what it is.

I would love you to tell us what perfume it is. Some perfumes (even quite expensive ones) are so vile that I have to throw open windows to get rid of the smell after some people visit my house.

I really don’t understand some of the comments on here, friends for 40years, they could have absolutely loved the scent and ordered more for themselves on-line. Even if they didn't, if the scent was an unwanted gift, why throw it away or give it to charity when you can give it to your friend. I suppose you could say, " wow, are you able to buy this great scent on-line?" It depends on what sort of friendship you have, I'm usually very undiplomatic and honest to a fault with my friends, less so with family. If you feel they would be offended then say nothing, a gift is a gift, take it and enjoy. YABU to say thank you for returning my gift, unless it is admitted during social chit-chat.

If you read the OP's opening post you would see that the OP actually spent time and gave a lot of thought to choosing the perfume for her friend and didn't jut chose one she liked for herself.

I read the OP thanks. She spent time having fun trying lots of perfumes, bought one she thought her friend would like, but apparently didn’t. OP has said she likes it herself.

How can you possibly know what perfume a friend would like if you’re not buying one they already wear. I can’t even tell for my mother and sisters. And there are some perfumes I like but give me headaches so I can’t wear.

I would never buy perfume for someone else unless I absolutely 100% knew they would love it.

When my DC were little, we went on holiday to France with my mum, and on the ferry back, mum bought me a bottle of Miss Dior as a thank you for including her in the holiday. I was overwhelmed, I had always loved the perfume but hadn't been able to afford it (nappies and stuff took priority at the time).

Scroll forwards 10 years and my youngest DD bought me a bottle of Miss Dior for Christmas, she'd saved up out of her Saturday job money and had never forgotten my love for this particular perfume.

Now my DD is in a similar situation, 2 DC, working part-time, DH working full-time, not much money coming in, other priorities for money, I took great pleasure in buying her the perfume she loves the best, Kenzo Flowers, for Christmas - because she'd been wearing the Poundshop copy for ages and it's not the same.

Perfume is a personal gift and maybe your friend was indirectly telling you how special you are?

stop the wifework and pull the plug on presents now. You don't even see each other, why are you wasting time and resources exchanging stuff that neither of you like?

TatianaLarina you may put thought into which items you re-gift to whom but it still a means of having presents you give to people paid for by someone else, great for you not so for the person who bought a present for you who is now funding your gift to someone else. Unsurprising you describe yourself as well off, you must save yourself a fortune at gift giving times, do just re-gift or buy something else actually from you as well?

You have absolutely nothing at all to go on that she regifted other than it's the same perfume! Why would she write a note to explain her gift

You are being so unreasonable

'Oooh great minds think alike, thank you'. Done.

Never skint yourself buying gifts for others. If you have spare money, treat yourself.
Only an idiot would be unable to comprehend your circumstances have changed.

She's your friend and presumably a nice person. Don't assume the worst - she might have bought the same bottle that you got her.

The only bit that you are unreasonable about is buying gifts you can "ill afford" I'd be furious and mortified if someone did that to me. She's your friend so you should be able to tell her that you can't afford to exchange gifts any more. It sounds like you're too proud (so what if she thinks you're tight?) and it's creating stress that's easily avoided.

I'd be hurt to be gifted the gift I gave her but it might be a new bottle.

Sorry to say that I was gifted perfume in secret santa and I haven't opened yet as I'm going to donate it. I like what I like and only wear certain fragrances that I've tried first.

We're well off so a lot of the stuff I'm given I won't use.

What does this mean? That you're more choosy about what you like than less well off people are?

I’d assume this was a different bottle. Why assume the worst and then send a message on the basis of that assumption?

Crikey! What a load of tosh about a Christmas present! I’m far from ‘VERY well off’ - as the OP describes her friend but my perfume, and the only one I’ve worn for years is over £200, so I definitely wouldn’t expect anyone except my DH to buy it for me and people who are true friends of mine know I never wear anything else - which makes me wonder about this ‘friendship’.

You can know someone for forty years and have the odd social interaction or phone call but it’s hard to see that as a strong friendship- particularly given the distance between these two people.

My sister gave me a beautiful scarf for Christmas and quite cheerfully told me that somebody had bought it for her but she didn’t want it as she never wears scarves. I was thrilled with it and couldn’t care less that it was regifted. I don’t know the person who bought it for her except that she lives ‘darn sarf’ so our paths aren’t likely to cross.

It sounds as though the OP is investing too much emotion into what can only be a loose relationship given their different circumstances and distance from each other. I wouldn’t challenge the friend at all but I’d start to build relationships with people who live closer and who you can call on for more social contact.

I think it's quite possible she bought you the same perfume. I have done this before my DD bought me a lovely perfume. I knew she liked it because she told me so I bought her a bottle. It wasn't the same bottle she bought me!

If you are going to regift presents I think you should make the effort to remember who gave it to you, I can’t see it’s anything but insulting to give a present back to the person who gave it to you.

I understand that people get given things they don’t want. I would pass it on to a friend or relative saying, its not my thing would you like it? Otherwise I would take it to a charity shop. I certainly wouldn’t pass it off as a gift I had bought myself.

Oh my god OP do not send that message

I have been in a similar situation to you and also have a very old friend who's life style is so opulent and indulgent I find it obscene. im quite open with her about the fact that im very poor in comparison to her and that my home is very very shabby and modest. not having as much money as your friends is not something you should have to keep like a dirty secret. tell her things are really tough for you and in future youre not doing gift buying as you cant afford it.

Would keep the tone much lighter than your suggested method something like "Thanks for the perfume, have been laughing since I opened it about the fact that its the same as the one I gave you for your birthday! Maybe time to stop swapping presents as getting harder to chose something?" or something like that?

OP is long gone! I'm never going to know what the perfume is or what the bracelet looks like. I need both!