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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Regifted perfume received for Xmas, what should I do?

305 replies

scubadive · 29/12/2019 10:24

Hi all, I have a friend that I’ve known since school, friends for 40 years. We exchange birthday and Xmas presents although don’t see each other so much now. She lives in my home town, I live 200 mikes away.
For her birthday in August I bought her some perfume, spent a bit more than normal and bought duty free coming back from holiday. Tried lots of perfumes, had assistant opening a number of new testers, choose one I thought was her. Not really me, she wears much stronger perfume than me.

Came to Xmas day, I’m divorced so no partner presents and looking forward to opening 3 presents from friends. I was so shocked to unwrap the perfume I had sent her for her birthday in August.

AIBU to thank her for my returned gift?

For context, they are VERY well off. I’m gutted she thought so little of my chosen present and also that she couldn’t just give it to charity rather than regift it. How could she not remember that I sent her this a few months ago, has she done it on purpose?

I sent her a really nice bracelet that I could ill afford.

OP posts:

TiddlestheCat · 29/12/2019 22:43

Next time you see her ask if she's wearing the same one as you. You can then have that 'apparently the same perfumes smell different on different people's skins' conversation. You could drag the conversation out that way, in a none accusatory way, whilst watching her squirm.

Original poster

scubadive · 29/12/2019 23:42

Many thanks all once again, some very lovely supportive posts.

Well I am in bed, having opened and sprayed the perfume on (I really couldn’t regift it, I was also becoming paranoid that it wasn’t a nice perfume/gift) anyway the perfume smells lovely, so I will use it ( never had it before).

To the poster who suggested £50+, I’ve never spent that on perfume in my life, it was £20 in duty free so probably £25 in the shops. I usually spend no more than £15 on friends presents, which was why I had thought this was a bit more of a special gift. Perhaps that’s why it was unopened as not in the £50+ price range. .

Think I will just say as an earlier poster suggested, ‘as I have just received the gift I bought you for your birthday back for Xmas, shall .i suggest we no longer do gifts’ . Does this sound too strong?

OP posts:

Miniloso · 29/12/2019 23:59

Don’t send that!!! It’s a one off situation.... don’t spoil a friendship over a perfume ffs!

reginafelangee · 29/12/2019 23:59

It's horrible. Don't send that.

FruitcakeOfHate · 30/12/2019 00:05

Just tell her that since your divorce your finances unfortunately no longer extend to gift exchange.

What was the bracelet? I love bracelets! And the perfume?

Survivingchipandkippee · 30/12/2019 00:17

Don’t send that. Bad idea.

Are you def sure regifted to you rather than her buying a new bottle for you?

MyKingdomForBrie · 30/12/2019 00:18

who wears bracelets nowadays?

Oh do fuck off, why is MN such a parallel universe sometimes. Everyone still wears bloody bracelets there hasn't been some universal shift in the adorning of the human body with shiny and bejewelled items, get your head out of your arse! You may think you're making some 'forefront of fashion' comment but you just sound like a try hard twat.

Bloody hate these attempts to belittle and humiliate people for utterly normal things. Rant over

FruitcakeOfHate · 30/12/2019 00:20

Quite fancy a bracelet.

TatianaLarina · 30/12/2019 00:32

Yes you sound like a twat.

You like your perfume, the money didn’t go to waste, stop resenting your friend and move on.

MaButterface · 30/12/2019 00:39

Just because your life is crap compared to hers doesn't make you deserve expensive gifts from her.

And this:

I sent her a really nice bracelet that I could ill afford

That’s not her problem, it’s yours.

FruitcakeOfHate · 30/12/2019 00:47

A decent perfume for £25 sounds good, too.

ChocolateCoins19 · 30/12/2019 00:49

My mil. Got me a perfume for Xmas. I wore it she said it was nice and she liked it too.
So I've just got her one from me and dh for her birthday this week

Notmyfirstusername · 30/12/2019 01:02

This definitely sounds more like a reaction to what is happening in your life at the moment rather than the actual issue between you and your friend. If she's one of your closest friends, I would confide in her about the change in your finances due to your awful ex husband and suggest that presents should be limited to a value you can afford until things are a bit better for you.
In terms of the perfume, I wouldn't stress about regifting and what that means for your friendship, it might be a perfume that she'd tried before and doesn't suit her and thought it must smell nice on your skin as you liked it enough to buy for a much loved friend, hence giving it to you.

Jsjeksmne · 30/12/2019 01:07

I’m with you op! Why would somebody buy the same gift as what they received! Didn’t know this was a thing!! She was thoughtless to give it back to you. She might’ve forgotten that you gave it to her. I would tell her. I’d probably say “friends name, I gave this present to you for your birthday recently! Why have you regifted it to me?” She what she says. If she was a friend she’d buy you a replacement present.

Kisskiss · 30/12/2019 02:31

If you think arguing about perfume (regifted or not ) is worth losing one of your 3 oldest friends then definitely send her that incredibly rude message. It’ll do her a massive favour and realise you aren’t worth being friends with

PhilCornwall1 · 30/12/2019 06:49

For context, they are VERY well off.

And now you know why that is. Perhaps do the same next year and not overspend on people you don't see too often.

JohnLewisIain · 30/12/2019 08:11

What is the perfume? I want it if it’s £25.

Oilyoilyoilgob · 30/12/2019 08:19

Please don’t send that message! It’s really harsh and will definitely cause an issue with your friend where there currently isn’t one.

The price is irrelevant for your friend, I’m sure. My one big splurge for myself and off my husband is perfumes, but if someone bought me one for £20/£25 I’d no way think ‘I’m not opening that it’s too cheap’

I said this page 1 or 2 but this really seems to be chipping away at you-it’s only damaging you right now. Did you see my suggestion if maybe suggesting meeting up for a nice meal instead of doing gifts? I do this with cousins and we get a nice lunch or dinner with the money we’d have spent on pressies and a few hours of lovely company and chatting. Worth a try over the angst this is causing you?

GaaaaarlicBread · 30/12/2019 08:21

My best friend and I have known each other 23 years , we share the same birthday so always do a joined birthday meal etc and exchange gifts at Christmas too. She has more money than me as she does live at home with parents still so her money is hers only . So she usually goes more out there than me with gifts . One year I got her a book, notebook, a Sherlock gift and some Disney figures (sounds childish but that’s her ideal gift all over she loves Disney) . Then for my birthday the following year I got the same book I gave her. She did however write in the card that she liked the book so much she thought I would too so bought me the same one . Maybe your friend did similar ?
Also you can have shit in your life and still post happy things on Facebook - just so you know. Sorry you’re having a rough time though x

Arthritica · 30/12/2019 08:47

I’m sorry you’re going through a difficult patch. Don’t compare your life to your school friend’s life, and don’t assume rotten motives.

She may have bought you the same gift as she thought you must like it or wouldn’t have chosen it. She may have realised it wasn’t to her taste but rather than bin it, re-gift it to someone she had every right to think would like it. She may have the view of some PP that re-gifting is a perfectly sensible, environmentally sound approach.

You’re feeling low and you’re misdirecting your unhappiness. I hope the coming year is kinder to you.

Legomanships · 30/12/2019 09:01

I think it’s possible you’re having a rough time and this is nothing to do with the perfume. I’ve definitely bought friends the same perfume they would have bought me...and have received in the same fashion, wouldn’t occur to me to jump to re-gift...and it wouldn’t bother me even if they had. I’ve got good friends though. We mostly just agree to have a coffee and catch up now though instead of gifts because most have kids etc so spending on me seems a waste, also unnecessary and not a measure of our friendships.

Maybe time to just close the door on this one? A friend for 40 years doesn’t mean anything really. It’s just time, and we all change so much over that period it’s not that unusual to think you might drift a little.

Try not to dwell. It doesn’t really seem like a massive issue to be honest ❤️

MrsWhites · 30/12/2019 09:29

BUT YOU DONT KNOW THAT ITS THE SAME BOTTLE!

You really are going to fall out with a lifelong friend if you send that message, you are cutting your nose off to spite your face. Just wait until next year and then suggest stopping presents if that’s how you feel.

Vilanelle · 30/12/2019 09:41

This year my SIL gave me a dressing gown, out of its packaging and with all tags removed. Some might say she removed it from her wardrobe.

Last year I had a bottle of prosecco with cream on the base of it (pulled out of her fridge) and a box of chocolates that expired the February before that christmas.

I'm not ungrateful and i would have been happy with anything, but she went through her house and found items she could pass as gifts to me. I told dp to tell her I dont want gifts from now on!

kingkuta · 30/12/2019 09:59

That message you want to send is horrible. You don't even know it's the same bottle of perfume. Seriously, WTF is wrong with you!

SusanneLinder · 30/12/2019 10:02

Don't send that message OP, it isn't nice. You could leave it till next year ( around September or something), and state that you have to cut down Christmas and would she mind if you don't exchange gifts. I stopped buying for friends years back, only for immediate family. Stressful enough trying to decide what they would like, never mind anyone else!
I only buy friends something if its a big birthday!
And I am very fussy about perfume as a lot smells like Cats Pee on me.

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