Regifted perfume received for Xmas, what should I do?

[scubadive]

Hi all, I have a friend that I’ve known since school, friends for 40 years. We exchange birthday and Xmas presents although don’t see each other so much now. She lives in my home town, I live 200 mikes away.
For her birthday in August I bought her some perfume, spent a bit more than normal and bought duty free coming back from holiday. Tried lots of perfumes, had assistant opening a number of new testers, choose one I thought was her. Not really me, she wears much stronger perfume than me.

Came to Xmas day, I’m divorced so no partner presents and looking forward to opening 3 presents from friends. I was so shocked to unwrap the perfume I had sent her for her birthday in August.

AIBU to thank her for my returned gift?

For context, they are VERY well off. I’m gutted she thought so little of my chosen present and also that she couldn’t just give it to charity rather than regift it. How could she not remember that I sent her this a few months ago, has she done it on purpose?

I sent her a really nice bracelet that I could ill afford.

Maybe you should reach out to her about your current situation; she might be able to help you?

Simply rewrap it and give it back to her next Christmas....

Simply rewrap it and give it back to her next Christmas....

If OP gives her friend the benefit of the doubt (which I would for my friend) & as OP hasn’t said her friend is mean or selfish her friend would probably think “oh lovely that’s the same king of perfume I bought for OP. I’m glad she liked it too.” Then move on with her day.

Receiving a regift can be a sign of laziness - giver didn't take the time to think of a gift and buy it. Receiving a gift that you gave can be a sign that they didn't like it which can be a bit of a knock to the confidence. In this case the women have known each a long time so should know each other's tastes quite well.

Personally I'm not bothered if the giver has regifted me something that is appropriate. For example I don't wear makeup so a make up set is a thoughtless present but I'm a stationery addict so will enjoy pens (always on the lookout for good ones)

Rtft peeps!!! She can’t give it back!

Just tell her you're simplifying Christmas to reduce waste so you won't be doing presents next year, then buy her something you want for her birthday

But surely you can tell if it's the same bottle? Cellophane not looking pristine, or maybe a squashed corner or something? I couldn't keep a cardboard box with bottle in looking like it had just come off the shelf if it had sat for 6 months in my wardrobe. Things just look a tiny bit tired.

OP, whilst it was a really lovely, carefully selected gift, most people are creatures of habit when it comes to perfume. I love trying out perfumes but if they’re not to my taste it’s a waste of money as the smell of some can literally make me sick. She may well have decided not to chance it and regift it and either forgot it was from you or thought you might like it as you chose it. I’ve bought a friend the same perfume she’s bought me but I know that she likes it as we have similar taste. If I didn’t know for sure if someone likes a particular perfume I would assume they like one they’ve bought me and might get them the same.

Send a message along the lines already suggested of thanks for the perfume lol it’s the one I got you for your birthday hope you liked it and see what she says. She might say I really liked it and got you the same or oops busted I forgot it was from you and it’s not my cup of tea or she might not respond at all. I guess you can try it and see what happens. Or just leave it and don’t say anything but next year before Xmas suggest that you don’t do gifts and just donate to charity instead.

I meant your gift to her was carefully selected!

STOP being so mean to OP.

I lost my parents and I understand how much getting a few gifts mean when you are alone. It brings tears to my eyes thinking about OP no longer having the happy anticipation of a nice surprise, OP is lonely. Just knowing that someone cares is important.

She is sad. Her friend is not a friend. The issue was not "regifting" but the fact that her friend gave back the gift she was given by OP as a Christmas gift.

Under NO circumstances is that polite, kind or friendworthy.

(I do not "regift." I give things to people who can use them. Without any pretext that it is a gift that I purchased. A gift is supposed to be thoughtful. An obligatory professional colleague may get a "regift," as it is a matter of business, but not a good friend or beloved family member.)

@Catsinthecupboard so a friend is not a friend if they give you a gift you don’t like/regift/are maybe a bit crap at present giving?
I don’t care if my friends don’t give me gifts ( and some don’t) as long as they are there when I need them, to whinge to, to commiserate with, lend a supporting arm when I need it or to just spend time with having a laugh..
your idea of what makes a good friend is really different to mine

@Catsinthecupboard

'She is sad. Her friend is not a friend.'

That's what I was clumsily trying to say. The critical issue is the distance between these two ladies.It doesn't matter how many years they've known each other. I think this is more of a grieving process for the loss of the closeness. I have a 'friend' who I worked with 20 years ago. We were the closest of friends when we both worked together in London and saw each other every day. Since then, she lives in East Sussex and I live in Gods Own County - Yorkshire.

We speak occasionally on the phone. We comment on each other's facebook posts and we send each other something nice at Christmas and for birthdays. This year, she sent me some beautful white roses.

We are still friends but very distant ones. If I needed immediate support from anyone this person physically could not be with me for less than four or five hours so the people I would depend on are those who live near me and who I see regularly.

I think the OP needs to maintain a polite but kind distance from her friend. She needs to stop fretting about the difference in their circumstances. Her friend can't help being 'well off' and in a happy relationship having lovely holidays and so on, anymore than she can help her sad situation.

Maybe sourcing a local single parent group might help? When I was widowed with an 18 month old child, a local group like that was a godsend for me. I made lots of new friends - some of whom I'm still in touch with despite being remarried now for many years.

Oh dear, that was a boo boo. I once bought the same present (a book) for my best friend twice, she never said anything and then it dawned on me a little later. I apologised and we laughed over it.

Why dont you stop buying each other presents as its obv a much bigger thing for you than her. Maybe go and meet for a lunch or something instead?

I often buy things I have and like for my friend. A kind of friendship bond

She is sad. Her friend is not a friend. The issue was not "regifting" but the fact that her friend gave back the gift she was given by OP as a Christmas gift.

But it’s equally as likely that the friend simply bought OP the same bottle assuming she’d liked it enough to gift it to her.

I feel sorry for everyone that would assume the worst of their friends.

My Nan once bought me a bottle if champagne for my birthday. I kept a note of the type and bought her the same for Christmas as I wanted to get her one she’s like. According to OP my Nan should have assumed I’m a selfish bitch who doesn’t care about her 🙄

She is sad. Her friend is not a friend. The issue was not "regifting" but the fact that her friend gave back the gift she was given by OP as a Christmas gift. Under NO circumstances is that polite, kind or friendworthy.

No, the issue is that OP has taken this one action and judged 40 years of friendship on the basis of it. Friends prove themselves in a hundred other ways that have nothing to do with a somewhat disappointing gift. OP is making a huge mountain out of a molehill.

Hi all,

Golly lots of posts, I’m sorry I can’t reply to them all.

Well what this thread has certainly shown is that people have very different attitudes to gift giving and to regifting.

I agree with the poster that said, regifting to a work colleague etc is one thing but not to a close friend. This would be my point of view.

The only reason that I mentioned my friend was very well off was to make the point that she could afford NOT to regift, as money is no issue. I would much prefer a small less expensive thoughtfully chosen gift than something regifted from someone’s cupboard.

My friend has previously sent me perfume and so I had no reason to think that she would not like perfume as a gift. I also received perfume for my birthday last year. So people do buy perfume as presents.

I have received perfumed candles a number of times, they are not something that I personally like but I appreciate that they are popular, people like them and they are nice presents. I completely realise that you cannot always buy the perfect present that hits the mark every time, no matter what you buy and I see no reason why this should mean you stop exchanging gifts, otherwise nobody would buy anyone presents.

I have read lots of threads on here about partners feeling hurt by the lack of thought in their present, or lack of any present at all, people don’t then advise, oh well stop exchanging gifts then, you obviously aren’t hitting the mark and buying presents is a hassle so agree to stop. I realise partners are obviously very different but this advice to me seems very harsh advice for such a long standing friend. Friends of 40 years are not a regular event in life.

Some posters have said, agree to meet up for a meal out instead, unfortunately 200 miles between us, prevents that.

I have lots of friends nearby, I am not lonely. I do not generally exchange gifts with my more recent friends, maybe some flowers, a smaller gift at birthdays but not for Xmas. i think some people maybe thought I had said I only had 3 friends.

I have a very ‘rich’ life in many way, my children are an absolute joy and bring me huge happiness and laughter. I am not on the bread line but yes have had a change in finances, I cannot say strongly enough that I have no envy at all of my friend or her finances. Money absolutely does not bring you happiness.

For the posters who didn’t like the suggested way of raising it with friend, they were not my words but recommended by a number of posters, it just highlights how differently people view things, some posters saying send this reply and others saying no that sounds awful. I suspect Posters hadn’t read all the thread.

It seems like there’s no easy answer, not a major issue I know but I started here by essentially saying, I’m hurt I’ve had this birthday gift returned to me for Xmas, what should I do. I guess our circumstances are largely irrelevant I added detail in reply to other comments but that just seems to have side tracked people and clouded the issue.

The issue for me is that when you choose to get someone a gift for whatever reason, you choose a gift specifically for that person (I don’t say buy as it could just as easily be made/crafted and I’ve had an absolutely fantastic crafted gift) you do not look in your house for an unwanted gift from someone else. To me this is insulting, and receiving the same gift back, an absolute slap in the face.

I note many posters on here say regifting is fine, some people doing it openly saying I have given you this because I didn’t want it. Well clearly, people think differently and I would find it very hurtful to be given, as a present, something from somebody telling me they have given it to me because they didn’t like/want it.(clearly, passing something on is different, would you like this? it’s not my thing and I thought you might like it, is completely different to wrapping up an unwanted gift as a present and then saying I am giving this to you as I don’t like it)

Some people have said gifts are not important to them ,being there for each other is important so they stopped gifting, fine. Being there for each other is absolutely important but, to me, exchanging gifts has also been important.I think it’s a nice thing to do with friends. The two are not mutually exclusive, ie) being there for one another and exchanging gifts are both possible.

There are loads of threads on here about gift exchanges, wedding gifts, anniversaries, family Xmas gifts ( there’s a thread trending now about Cfer Xmas stories, most relating to crazy gifts and so clearly there are lots of people for whom gifts matter.

I think I will start a new thread entitled why gifts matter to some people.

Leave it for now. Don’t fall out over a bottle of perfume. However I would gloss over the thank you’s.

Going forward, send her something more generic and lower the level of expectation.

MadMadaMim PLEASE - can somone explain what is wrong with regifting?

In the most basic terms if you are exchanging gifts with say your best friend and you give them something you have been given by someone else that you don't want the recipient is receiving a gift that was thought about, chosen for you and paid for by someone other than you. Does the person who gave the gift to you in the first place expect their time, effort and money to be used on a.n.other person they don't know? Essentially you are using someone else's time, effort and money to fund your gift giving.

This from the OP is pertinent:

The only reason that I mentioned my friend was very well off was to make the point that she could afford NOT to regift, as money is no issue. I would much prefer a small less expensive thoughtfully chosen gift than something regifted from someone’s cupboard.

and this from the OP MadMadaMim

I note many posters on here say regifting is fine, some people doing it openly saying I have given you this because I didn’t want it. Well clearly, people think differently and I would find it very hurtful to be given, as a present, something from somebody telling me they have given it to me because they didn’t like/want it.(clearly, passing something on is different, would you like this? it’s not my thing and I thought you might like it, is completely different to wrapping up an unwanted gift as a present and then saying I am giving this to you as I don’t like it)

@MadMadaMim

I’d strongly suggest you don’t pay much attention to attitudes on here - I don’t find MN to be representative of the wider world.

The idea that time and money must be spent by you on the person etc is needy, gauche and grabby. (And to be fair is only limited to a few posters).

If you pass on a nice gift, you are going without it yourself and without the cash you could have recouped from selling it. So it’s not actually true that it’s cost you nothing. And since when was the monetary value the most important thing?

I’m grateful for any gift given to me whether it’s my taste or not, whether it’s a regift or something bought fresh - I’m not bothered. It’s very kind of them to think of me, wrap it up etc. Someone could spend a lot of time choosing something that I’d never use or could regift me something that’s exactly my thing.

I’m

My friend has previously sent me perfume and so I had no reason to think that she would not like perfume as a gift. I also received perfume for my birthday last year. So people do buy perfume as presents

Why are you ignoring all the posts saying that they have sent people the same gifts (bought not regifted) as they’d assumed the giver liked the gifts?

Also your friend has sent you perfume before, it makes it even more likely that she bought the same bottle!

Maybe think about why you’re determined to see the worst in your friend? You don’t have to stay friends with someone if you don’t want to. You don’t have to wait for an excuse to stop being friends.

Thank you for coming back OP. I think you hit the nail on the head when you said that people have different attitudes to gifts. I think it has to come down to intent and malice. If your friend regifted your present knowing that it would upset you then she is no friend of yours. If she absent mindedly regifted you something because she has lots of unopened nice things that are just gathering dust, and in all other ways is a good friend then you just need to chuckle at the coincidence. I'm actually sure she would be mortified. I think you also need to decide if you are giving your gifts unconditionally or you wish them to even out (there is nothing wrong with that!). And finally, just because she has money, doesn't make it any less wasteful spending money un necessarily.

I receive 'perfume' every year from my Mother and I could never hurt her feelings by telling her I only ever wear a specific type of expensive perfume. I therefore thank her but then re-gift it to either friends or charity....No harm done but at least somebody benefits from her gifts....

Something along the lines of “so what did you think of the perfume then, glad you liked it enough to get me some?” may clear things up?