Regifted perfume received for Xmas, what should I do?

[scubadive]

Hi all, I have a friend that I’ve known since school, friends for 40 years. We exchange birthday and Xmas presents although don’t see each other so much now. She lives in my home town, I live 200 mikes away.
For her birthday in August I bought her some perfume, spent a bit more than normal and bought duty free coming back from holiday. Tried lots of perfumes, had assistant opening a number of new testers, choose one I thought was her. Not really me, she wears much stronger perfume than me.

Came to Xmas day, I’m divorced so no partner presents and looking forward to opening 3 presents from friends. I was so shocked to unwrap the perfume I had sent her for her birthday in August.

AIBU to thank her for my returned gift?

For context, they are VERY well off. I’m gutted she thought so little of my chosen present and also that she couldn’t just give it to charity rather than regift it. How could she not remember that I sent her this a few months ago, has she done it on purpose?

I sent her a really nice bracelet that I could ill afford.

Message not method.

I think for friendships to last 40 years or more, you often have to forgive the odd mis-step or lack of a phone call for 6 months or whatever, but be pleased and delighted when the opportunity to be closer comes around again. If you start sending rude messages, when someone did actually get you a gift you admit you like even if it is the same as the one you sent them, the friendship is over.

On a different note, my dd bought me the same perfume I bought her as we both liked it! Not a weird thing to do IMO.

YABU

For context my MIL and I bought each other the same book this Christmas. It isn’t my thing but I am grateful

Maybe time to call a halt on the friendship if this has annoyed you so much? It's not compulsory to stay friends with someone just because you've known them a long time. I came off Facebook months ago and have no intention of returning to it. Constant posting from people who just wanted to show off really irritated me. You're obviously going through a really difficult time at the moment and I'm sorry to hear that but if your friend was a genuine friend she would be spending time with you and would have treated you to something a bit more personal (perhaps a pamper day or something similar) which I'm sure you would have appreciated. Time to look elsewhere for better friends I think.

Lots of silly answers here, presumably from people who regularly pass on unwanted presents. The op has every right to be offended and she is probably spot on when she thought that the perfume was the original one she bought. I would be very hurt if I was the op. I don't understand the numerous posters around today on this thread and other threads who seem to think it's weird that adults buy each presents, in the real world it's normal behaviour. I like mcmooberry's suggestion, friendly but with an undercurrent.

My guess is she completely forgot the perfume was from you, hadn’t opened it so just haphazardly gave you it. I don’t think she cares about you as much as you do her

I don’t think you can decide someone thinks little of you because they regift carelessly or forget altogether - some people really don’t put emphasis on present buying and giving. That lack of emphasis or care over presents doesn’t correlate with being a bad friend (unless there are a number of other off hand behaviours too!).

I wouldn’t throw the whole friendship away over this but I would take charge OP by saying, “I have a new policy, no gift giving at Christmas/only small tokens from now on”. I’m interested in why you’re so concerned about appearing tight, it sounds as if you feel under pressure to maintain appearances with this friend? I’ve been the poor friend when I was younger, feeling under pressure about what to give someone whose new kitchen cost more than double my annual salary. Now the roles are reversed I’d be so upset to think of a friend stressing over buying something they could ill afford which is why among friends we have a tenner limit regardless of our incomes. I think you should be upfront about it rather than letting your hurt simmer away. though because I can see you’re upset.

I mean, she probably bought you another bottle

That’s the most likely scenario from a good friend who doesn’t have form for being lazy/selfish. I’m not sure why OP is determined to believe it was the same bottle.

All this thread does is show that some people are really into gift giving, and some are not! now I know for sure how I am thought of is just melodramatic and lacking in empathy or appreciation that other people think differently.

As someone who thinks that gift giving is really important, I ensure I am happy at Christmas and birthdays by buying myself some really well chosen gifts that I budget for just as I would budget for anyone else. That way anything I receive from friends and family is a bonus, and not liable to ruin my day!

Confusing on many angles

Firstly - a confession - I regift whenever I receive something that is not going to be used. I never realised until reading this thread that is it viewed so negatively. TBH - I don't understand why... I would never think negatively of someone if they regifted a present. As long as it was done with some thought.

Is regifting not the done thing?

Then there is the assumption that the gift is the same bottle of perfume (and as I said above - don't see anything wrong with this). How can you possibly know this without asking?

You say you have no money to buy nice things for yourself like perfume. You are gifted a perfume - that you like. What exactly is the issue? That she didn't spend actual money? (though you don't know this for sure!).

To get a proper picture - is it the regifting that's the issue or is it that, for you, a gift is about money spent?

And from a reader's perspective, you most definitely sound envious and negative about your friend's lifestyle. It's not a good look.

As other people have said - you putting sooooo much emphasis and Christmas happiness on your 3 gifts, one of which is from said friend, is not said friend's responsibility - that's entirely on you. Your life situation, lack of disposable income and importantance of Christmas gift parameters (ie no regifting, amount of money spent, perfect gifting) is nothing to do with your friend. You've chosen those things to be important to you...

If you're as good friends as you say, you should be able to either accept the gift graciously - especially given that you like it, or discuss it in a non confrontational way and explain how it has upset you and why.

Be aware of potential outcomes. If I was your friend, I'd be upset and embarrassed at being told you didn't like my gift because you don't think I spent money on it. Those emotions would then probably turn to annoyance and possibly anger at being made to feel bad. Which it will - she will feel bad.

What's important - the amount of money spent on gifts or the friendship?

This year I gave my best friends circle a Christmas tree decoration each. Nice, hand made, cost of around £3 each. I haven't got their children anything. We usually do gifts for each other and kids. Circumstances mean I can't do that this year (no birthday gifts either). It hasn't been discussed as none of us 'expect' a gift. I'm pretty sure some /all of the group will have exchanged gifts. I would never expect them to not give presents simply because I can't join in. And I know if we'd seen each other over the holidays, they would have given my daughter a present (this happened last year) and it would not have been awkward. No bitchiness that I didn't reciprocate. Our group ranges from me, scraping by, to millionaires.

And they all WhatsApped pics of the decs on their trees and said how lovely they are and how grateful. I wish I could give them all amazing gifts but I can't. A few years ago I was in a similar financial situation and I planned well and made jam, marmalade, chutney and biscuits for them all. Very well received.

Or maybe I'm blissfully unaware and being bitched about on forums like this. I don't think so though. We've been friends for 30 years and never fallen out about what we spend on gifts.

Ultimately, it's about how you view your friends, friendship, and what you do/don't do for each other. Money is not part of our equation. And on the very rare occasion it has been, we've discussed it openly and moved on. We certainly haven't ever sent passive aggressive snarky messages like the one you are thinking of sending. FWIW it's awful. And a little immature.

Best of luck whatever you decide.

Sorry I havent read the thread. But you can sell very easily new unopened perfume on EBAY (and even opened). I have been given lovely perfumes by relatives and friends but just not my choice of perfume. So I have sold them and then bought what I want to wear.

I never thought badly of either my friends or relatives, in fact I thought how generous.

TatianaLarina you may put thought into which items you re-gift to whom but it still a means of having presents you give to people paid for by someone else, great for you not so for the person who bought a present for you who is now funding your gift to someone else. Unsurprising you describe yourself as well off, you must save yourself a fortune at gift giving times, do just re-gift or buy something else actually from you as well?

What about “I could sell them on eBay” (and pocket the cash) was not clear?

There are no strings attached to the gifts I give people. If it doesn’t suit the recipient and they can find a suitable alternative who would appreciate it more I’m happy with that.

Despite your fanciful notion that the source of my wealth is regifting, only a minute % of annual gifts would be a regift.

PLEASE - can somone explain what is wrong with regifting?

The more comments I read, the more I'm feeling uncomfortable that maybe I've been commuting huge social no nos over the years. I'm not secretive about regifting and in fact have often said to recipients 'such as such get me this but I won't use it so I thought of you'.

I know it's a cliché and maybe totally naive on my part but isn't giving presents about how much the person will like it rather than how mush was spent (or not spent!).

I really don't care if I'm given second hand gifts. Does knowing how much was spent make the same gift better? And if so, how so?

Firstly - a confession - I regift whenever I receive something that is not going to be used. I never realised until reading this thread that is it viewed so negatively. TBH - I don't understand why... I would never think negatively of someone if they regifted a present. As long as it was done with thought

It’s fine, some people are just quite materialistic. They want hard cash spent on them apparently.

Not all regifting is equal. Passing on to a friend a synthetic nightie 2 sizes too large given to you by MIL = shit. Not selling a valuable gift in order to give it to someone you know will really appreciate it = fine.

can someone explain what is wrong with regifting?

you are questioning the giver's taste.. people are offended that you didn't LOVE your gift and take it as a personal attack. It really is not! I don't see any issue with regifting - or even selling unwanted items and using the money to buy something you really want.

People are too keen on taking everything personally.

The more comments I read, the more I'm feeling uncomfortable that maybe I've been commuting huge social no nos over the years. I'm not secretive about regifting and in fact have often said to recipients 'such as such get me this but I won't use it so I thought of you'

I think that’s fine if just passing stuff on, presumably you are t presenting it as a gift.

I don’t have any answers except never buy anyone perfume unless you know they love it. Someone liking ‘strong’ perfume means nothing.

I think it's because re-gifting is usually thoughtless I CBAd so I'll just wheel this out.

You like the perfume, yes? So why don't you just message her and say 'thanks so much for the perfume, it smells lovely.'

perhaps she didnt like it, but thought you did?

Re-gifting is fine if you genuinely know that the person will like what you’re giving them (and obviously not giving them something they gave you themselves!)

I receive some good quality perfume as presents (Jimmy Choo, Jean Paul Gautier etc) that I will never use because I don’t wear much perfume, so I have no qualms about gifting them to family and friends who love perfumes.

These perfumes are £40 +, why would I give them to charity and then spend more money on gifts when the perfumes will be loved?

However, what OP’s ‘friend’ did was very wrong and I agree with OP that she has received her original gift.

Tbh I think you are reading far too much into this. You don't seem to be giving your friend any benefit of the doubt but at every turn thinking the worst. She may not really put as much thought into presents, but that doesn't make her a bad person. You chose to spend 10 minutes in the duty free to pick a purfume, and you chose to spend however much on a bracelet you couldn't afford. That was your choice. You sound as tho you are directing a lot of anger at her. A good friend isn't necessarily someone who spends time or money choosing presents. A good friend is someone that appreciates their friendship and loyalty and doesn't think the worst of them. I have no idea what her other qualities are and whether she is a good friend or not, but I wouldn't base a friendship on the quality of gifts you give or receive.

Aw, OP. We miss you. Come back and tell us what the perfume was.

Feeling a bit better!

I do regift as actual presents sometimes - not just passing on. I don't ever consider myself not being arsed when I regift - I only regift I really believe the recioient would like it.

The thing I hadn't considered was offending the original giver. Regifting = questioning their taste. I need to think about that. I wouldn't be offended cut i can see other people could be.

Thanks to those who replied

My grand-mother would consider it rude not to use or display a gift, even if you dislike it. I am much less pleasant than she is, so I don't keep things I have no use for, or don't like.

I do own an impressive collection of Kids "art" to be fair, but that is being streamlined as the years go by