Regifted perfume received for Xmas, what should I do?

[scubadive]

Hi all, I have a friend that I’ve known since school, friends for 40 years. We exchange birthday and Xmas presents although don’t see each other so much now. She lives in my home town, I live 200 mikes away.
For her birthday in August I bought her some perfume, spent a bit more than normal and bought duty free coming back from holiday. Tried lots of perfumes, had assistant opening a number of new testers, choose one I thought was her. Not really me, she wears much stronger perfume than me.

Came to Xmas day, I’m divorced so no partner presents and looking forward to opening 3 presents from friends. I was so shocked to unwrap the perfume I had sent her for her birthday in August.

AIBU to thank her for my returned gift?

For context, they are VERY well off. I’m gutted she thought so little of my chosen present and also that she couldn’t just give it to charity rather than regift it. How could she not remember that I sent her this a few months ago, has she done it on purpose?

I sent her a really nice bracelet that I could ill afford.

I disagree @cohle when we are talking about gifting between friends as opposed to relatives/colleagues etc. How can you care about someone as a friend yet at the same time not care about what they give you or what you receive from them?

Can you be certain it's the exact same bottle?

I don’t see how it matters if it’s the same bottle or not. Even if the friend had gone out and bought the same perfume to give back to OP that would be really odd, unless handed over with an explanation along the lines of “I loved this one so thought you might like some for yourself”.

Have you decided what to do yet, OP?

@scubadive I echo the posters who say why on earth are you spending money you can 'ill afford?'

I would be making it very clear that I don't want to exchange gifts any longer. We have done this with virtually everyone except our kids and each other. We buy for the 3 lovely families in our little close-knit bunch of neighbours - for the 5 kids they have between them (less than a tenner on each,) and my 2 best friends and DH's 2 best friends. Nothing for anyone else.

We have several dozen cousins and aunts and uncles and nieces and nephews between us, and it became batshit trying to keep up. When the youngest niece got old enough to stop buying for, the older ones started having kids then, and it got out of hand, and became non-stop and ridiculous.

So we told them all that we were stopping. It means we get to spend more and focus more on our kids and each other, and the very close friends we have - 2 each. Rather than buying for dozens of extended family who lives 20-30 miles away, who we see 2 or 3 times a year maximum, and whose kids/grandkids we know very little about, and rarely meet.

Re your issue OP, I also dislike regifting. I mean, I do get why people do it, but I just find it annoying and borderline offensive when I/DH/our kids get something I KNOW is a regift, when we spent good money on them on something new! That's another reason we stopped.

I have to agree (sadly) that you and her don't sound like 'best friends' sorry. And I know some people will disagree, but it's hard to stay 'best friends' with someone when they live 200 miles away.

@RedDogsBeg she was my best friend at school, this was a long time ago. We are not now, I don’t see her so much but a very long standing friend.

She knows I have money issues but when you have exchanged gifts for over 20 years, yes I feel it is difficult to suddenly spend less. But having received my gift back I see it is now time to stop.

I have also received a number of gifts in the past I suspect were regifted gifts probably sent to her daughter, just not the right age group or size?so now I know for sure how I am thought of.

I'd give it to someone else or sell it. Don't worry about it any more.

@MistyCloud, I don’t exchange dozens of presents, just my mum and sister, 4 children and 3 very long standing friends. They meant something.

Many people have vast amounts of "stuff" and frankly don't want more, particularly when it's possibly not actually to their tastes.

OP and her friend have been exchanging gifts for 20 years. Surely you can see how something can go from being a genuine, thoughtful exchange to a chore over the decades.

Plenty of people place much more value on time and emotional support in friendships than selecting the perfect gift.

Just stop exchanging gifts with her, don’t throw the baby out with the bath water. Say : think you may have regifted me my bday gift by accident - whoops! Smiley face. I know life is very busy, shall we agree not to do gifts anymore? Might make more sense, it’s all about the kids now really isn’t it? Hope you had a fab Christmas. Looking forward to seeing you (insert details). Love OP.

Done.

She's not the friend you think she is, scubadive, it shouldn't matter how long you have known her you should not feel it is difficult to suddenly spend less. The amount spent on the gift shouldn't matter, the only thing that should matter is what the gift is and the thought that went into it. No thought appears to be going into the gifts she sends you.

In view of your latest update, now you know the reality, you need to knock the exchange of gifts between your friend and you on the head. Make sure you let her know about the perfume and in good time before next birthday/Christmas that you will not be buying gifts due to things being a bit tight due to your ex. Or tell her that instead of gifts you have decided to donate to charidee.

Plenty of people place much more value on time and emotional support in friendships than selecting the perfect gift.

There is a huge difference between a “perfect” gift and one that is insulting. Those who value time and emotional support over gifts would still not give something that is so wildly inappropriate, they would agree no gifts or tokens only.

yes I know it’s personal but also sometimes nice to try something new, open your horizons. If you don’t even open it and try it, then how do you know.

I walk into a department store, smell the perfume and decide whether to use it or not. Some I already know I don't like.

@Cohle

The OP and her friend have been exchanging gifts for 20 years. Surely you can see how something can go from being a genuine, thoughtful exchange to a chore over the decades.

Precisely this. ^ And this is why we stopped buying for the endless amounts of extended family we have. 2 cousins have 5 kids each, and around 7 to 10 grandkids between them. So that's 20 kids right there!

And that's not including all the others dozens of cousins, aunts, cousins children, uncles, great aunts, great uncles and so on.. As I said, we told them a few years back that we were stopping, because every Christmas the (joint) extended family we have, seemed to have one or 2 extra children.

It became batshit, and we no longer wanted to participate. Particularly as half of them got us nothing in return, or would just regift something shitty like a bayliss and harding set. I know you don't give to receive yada yada, but when you are always buying and get nothing back ever, with the excuse that they can't afford it, (but still managed to afford to smoke/buy scratchcards/ apple phones etc,) it starts to grate, and you become resentful.

AND as I said, we rarely see them (twice a year maybe 3 times,) we know very little about their kids and grandkids, and we prefer to focus on (and spend money on) our kids and each other, and the people closest to us, and who are there for us week in, week out.

People are missing the point. OP was not exchanging gifts out of obligation with someone she barely knew or cared about. She was exchanging gifts with someone who she thought was her friend.

I'd give it back to her on her birthday and knock a laugh out of the situation, Lol

I have a friend like this too OP, I meet her for coffee a couple times a year but always exchange gifts, the past 2 years she has gifted me the same gift (a framed picture, exactly the same print) which seems a bit odd.

I think she was rude to send you the perfume you gave her, if she didn’t like it she should have gifted it to someone else, not give it back to you. She may have forgotten it was you who gave it too her which also shows how much things mean to her . Don’t bother spending so much on her next year, maybe send her a oxfam goat or charity gift instead.

I would assume it wasn’t a regift (for my friendship’s sake and not because I believe that) and send her a thank you saying how kind her gift was and that you think it’s lovely the two of you can now wear your matching perfume when you meet up in future. She will then realise you gave her the perfume in the first place and hopefully be suitably embarrassed about how thoughtless she has been.

I think you’ve had an unfairly hard time on here, OP. I can totally see how you feel a bit sad and rather insulted by this thoughtless regift.

The number of people saying, “But how do you KNOW it’s the same bottle?”

I don’t mind careful regifting, but when it is obvious and a pattern then it’s the opposite of caring and celebratory.

I agree with a PP, point it out in a jokey/ kind of way. You can then suggest stopping presents without looking remotely stingy.

If you buy someone a perfume it doesn't mean you like it for yourself .

I'd probably say nothing and just see if there are any clues as to why she sent it to you in your future communication.

Perfume is a daft present.

Either a. it’s not actually the same bottle but she thought at least you liked that perfume or b. It’s the same one and she thought at least you liked that perfume.

If I really liked a perfume I don’t think I’d mind being regifted it tbh.

I once regifted very expensive fig bath stuff back to the friend who gave it to me as I couldn’t stand it and I knew she loved it. She didn’t know I didn’t like it so she didn’t realise it was the same one.

I do this with wine all the time. I don't drink wine so if a friend gives it to me, they get it back on another occasion! Yes I assume they like that one if they bought it for me (and if they are re-gifting it, too bad!).

OP, my well off friend, best friend for years once sent me a party book, hardbacked, examples of how to give parties, what to serve.
I’ve never had anything other than a children’s party in my life.
In the back was a screwed up reciept which had also folded a couple of pages, showing that she’d bought five of the same books for 50p each in the sale, the previous year.
People go on holidays, and have fabulous things, because they spend their money on them selves and don’t send nice gifts to others.

I too have fallen into the trap of buying better presents for richer relatives. Stop.

Don't be such a wet lettuce! Who cares if it 'looks tight', you have a load of kids to support. Just be an adult and tell her, 'Unfortunately, my finances are really constrained now and X doesn't pay to support the kids. I have to stop exchanging gifts' and be done with it! Get over having 'something to open' and move on from this. I'm also wondering how you know it's the same bottle. She is a CFer if she's been regifting all this time.