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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Regifted perfume received for Xmas, what should I do?

305 replies

scubadive · 29/12/2019 10:24

Hi all, I have a friend that I’ve known since school, friends for 40 years. We exchange birthday and Xmas presents although don’t see each other so much now. She lives in my home town, I live 200 mikes away.
For her birthday in August I bought her some perfume, spent a bit more than normal and bought duty free coming back from holiday. Tried lots of perfumes, had assistant opening a number of new testers, choose one I thought was her. Not really me, she wears much stronger perfume than me.

Came to Xmas day, I’m divorced so no partner presents and looking forward to opening 3 presents from friends. I was so shocked to unwrap the perfume I had sent her for her birthday in August.

AIBU to thank her for my returned gift?

For context, they are VERY well off. I’m gutted she thought so little of my chosen present and also that she couldn’t just give it to charity rather than regift it. How could she not remember that I sent her this a few months ago, has she done it on purpose?

I sent her a really nice bracelet that I could ill afford. Sad

OP posts:
Emeraldshamrock · 29/12/2019 11:42

I would not say anything OP. She probably didn't realise it was you who gave it.
I am sorry you're going through a divorce having a hard time.
My Nanny was the worst for regifting it was a family joke, we bought her gifts with her friends in mind.
Let it go, it is a bit shitty but not enough to damage the friendship over.
.

IceCreamAndCandyfloss · 29/12/2019 11:44

Perfume is very personal. Lots to be found on EBay this time of year where it’s not been to the taste of the receiver.

You don’t know for sure she’s has regifted it and it does sound like you begrudge buying her a gift in the first instance so just say no gifts and have a catch up meal etc instead.

Miniloso · 29/12/2019 11:45

Just sell it on eBay and buy something else.

Emeraldshamrock · 29/12/2019 11:46

Yes lots of lovely gifts on Ebay.
Off topic but why is the postage free in the UK and a fortune to get posted to Ireland.

tiredsleepysleep · 29/12/2019 11:48

I'd call her and make a joke "if you didn't like your birthday present you could at least have regifted it to someone else!" She'll either have forgotten it was you you gave it for her birthday but thought you would like it so gave it to you for Christmas, or she'll be mortified and apologise.
You've been friends 40 years. It's a blip, you need to get it out in the open and move on.

Sleepforever · 29/12/2019 11:52

Emerald , because the cheaper courier companies don't cover Ireland and the next cheapest/Royal Mail are a lot more expensive 😟

Smelborp · 29/12/2019 11:52

Of course you can say let’s stop buying gifts or reduce the amount. Your circumstances have changed. Life happens.

GiveHerHellFromUs · 29/12/2019 11:53

Stop buying things you can't afford.

If you don't like the perfume, sell it.

LoisWilkersonsLastNerve · 29/12/2019 11:54

Your friend of 40 years had given you an expensive gift, does it really matter that it's the same as something you bought her? My Mum gave me pjs very similar to ones she's gave me before I'm not upset Christmas is hectic enough without pouring over every gift you buy for people wondering if it's up to standard. I think you've just had a hard time op and you're blowing this out of proportion.

Abetes · 29/12/2019 11:54

Just gift it back to her for her birthday?

Emeraldshamrock · 29/12/2019 11:54

@Sleepforever Thank you. Smile

Oilyoilyoilgob · 29/12/2019 11:55

What’s done is done-unless you ask her outright (please don’t do this unless you’re happy for a fallout or awkwardness!) then you have the perfume.

If it’s too strong for you, keep it for next Christmas to give to someone else. If you’re going through a tough time this could be something you’re focussing you’re anger and upset on (I do this!)

The wrong thing is buying a bracelet ‘you can ill afford’. If I was your friend I’d be gutted to know that. Why not see where you are money wise June next year and if still a bit skint suggest skipping pressies and meeting up for a nice meal for birthdays and Christmas? I do this with some cousins now as we don’t need more stuff but we enjoy spending the money to actually see and speak to each other!

LittleLongDog · 29/12/2019 11:57

I would say something.

Catsandchardonnay · 29/12/2019 11:59

Definitely give her the perfume back for her birthday!

Cohle · 29/12/2019 12:00

She's a lifelong friend, is this really worth falling out over? You seem to be terribly upset over a pretty minor faux pas.

flouncyfanny · 29/12/2019 12:04

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

73Sunglasslover · 29/12/2019 12:06

It's never a good idea to choose someone's perfume for them. It's too individual. I suspect she didn't like it and thought you must have done if you'd chosen it. I'd just not buy perfume for someone again and chalk it up to experience.

Fr0g · 29/12/2019 12:08

Perfume is an odd gift - even if you know it's someone's signature perfume, you don't know whar 'stock' or they have stashed away.
(could also be a scent that was a gift, and they're pleased they are getting to the end of).

When buying perfume for me, I will try it on several times in store to make sure. Perfumes I like the scent of on other people will often smell v different on me.

ArgumentativeAardvaark · 29/12/2019 12:09

I understand why you are hurt. She clearly didn’t pay any attention to the effort you put into choosing her birthday gift, didn’t like it and flung it in a regifting pile. On top of that she didn’t value you enough as a friend to choose a new Christmas present for you. Then to cap it all off she forgets that it was you who sent her that gift in the first place. If your friendship is otherwise strong then you could perhaps write it off as being scatty/disorganised, but I would still tell her.

However, more importantly, what support has she been offering you through your recent difficult times? Do you meet up/talk in the phone/share regularly on WhatsApp? Is she interested in your kids? Do you enjoy chatting with her? All those things are worth so much more than exchanging gifts twice a year. If you’re not really behaving like proper friends then, sadly, this may be a relationship that has run its course and the regift is the wake up call you need to stop wasting your time and money on her.

Novembre · 29/12/2019 12:10

Next time you speak I'd be honest and say would you mind if you knock the presents on the head as with being a single parent funds are tight and you're cutting back with everyone. If she's a true friend she will understand.

Shinnoo · 29/12/2019 12:10

I think it's hard being a single parent who gets fuck all plus a shit show of an exh. I get that I've been there. Of course you can't mention it to her but be gracious and thank her. You can be honest about what you can afford with people and do cheaper home made gifts etc. Or just not rely on anyone else buying you something nice and make sure you get yourself a few little luxuries you can enjoy.

It will get better and at least you've got rid of a twat of an exh. Hope 2020 is better for you Flowers

RedDogsBeg · 29/12/2019 12:12

Difficult to suddenly cut down on what you spend on friends out of the blue and also, my friend has expensive tastes so extra difficult

I don’t want to be the one to suddenly say let’s stop buying gifts as it looks like I’m the one being tight. Really not sure what to do.

If she and your other friends are really and truly friends then neither of these statements should apply. You should be able to talk to them without fear of being judged and found wanting, you should be able to be honest with them regarding your circumstances and having expensive tastes should be neither here nor there.

I have known her for 40 years, was best friends at school, went to same uni, know her very well.

Yet you cannot talk to her and be honest with her about your circumstances, feel you have to buy her expensive gifts which she clearly doesn't appreciate as she has re-gifted one back to you? Is she really your best friend and do you really know her very well?

ArgumentativeAardvaark · 29/12/2019 12:13

You seem to be terribly upset over a pretty minor faux pas.

It’s not a minor faux pas though, is it? It demonstrates that the friend barely registers OP’s generous presents and she doesn’t care in the slightest about making OP happy with a present chosen especially for her. Remember this is not a family present-giving situation where you might feel obliged to give presents to people you don’t really know or perhaps don’t even like much- a relationship based on friendship would normally entail actually caring about each other and knowing each other pretty well.

Original poster
scubadive · 29/12/2019 12:15

@Ash39 thank you I think I might try something along those lines.

@flouncyfanny thank you, I think so too.

Re perfume, yes I know it’s personal but also sometimes nice to try something new, open your horizons. If you don’t even open it and try it, then how do you know.

At the same time, .i bought my sister some perfume for her birthday, a different one and she absolutely loves it. I think all presents are personal, whether it’s jewellery, bubble bath or a scarf. You don’t always get it right but this present was chosen with thought and it wasn’t even opened.

To posters saying .i am jealous, absolutely not. Do I enjoy receiving gifts. Yes if thoughtful but I enjoy giving more, that’s why it’s so hurtful a gift was returned unopened. As money is no object, why not send unwanted gifts to a charity shop?

Said person made an announcement on SM this tear that they were not sending Xmas cards but donating to the homeless as so important, maybe my perfume could have been gifted to charity instead of returned to me.

My divorce has been going on for 4 years, so whilst shitty and financially I’m in difficulty it is not ‘raw’ and I am not in an emotional heap. I have 4 fantastic kids.

OP posts:
Cohle · 29/12/2019 12:16

It demonstrates that the friend barely registers OP’s generous presents and she doesn’t care in the slightest about making OP happy with a present chosen especially for her.

Lots of people are much less emotionally invested in gift giving than that though. For the OP certainly it seems terribly important but for others it's just a polite social obligation.