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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want my lodger’s partner round on NYE?

173 replies

Throwawaytheatre · 28/12/2019 22:22

An old friend of mine is currently lodging in my spare room.

She has recently gotten involved with a man that I just do get along with. I knew him through friends before they even met and I disliked him from the start. He is absolutely sex obsessed, always posting statuses about women he wants to “fuck”, he disparages my religious belief (I’m a practicing Anglican) nearly every time he sees me, and he just can’t take a hint about overstaying his welcome.

I’ve decided I don’t want him on my property anymore; but now my friend and lodger has become romantically involved with him she has invited him round for drinks before they go out on NYE.

WIBU to put my foot down and say, no I don’t want him on my house?

OP posts:
ACouchOfOnesOwn · 28/12/2019 23:44

You can't dictate who a lodger has round. Regardless of whether she pays a nominal amount or not. You offered her a place to stay. You didn't offer her a room where you could dictate her friendships/relationships/visitors. YABVU.

FrancisCrawford · 28/12/2019 23:45

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ThePluckOfTheCoward · 28/12/2019 23:46

Your friend is a CF. If a friend was letting me stay in their house for 100pm to help me save up for a place of my own I would be so grateful and a lot more respectful of their home than your so-called friend is. Tell her "My house, my rules, if you don't like it you know where the door is".

AlexaAmbidextra · 28/12/2019 23:48

You can't dictate who a lodger has round.

She absolutely can. Her house, her rules.

ivykaty44 · 28/12/2019 23:48

Acouch
Yes you can stipulate “no guests” to a lodger. Some lodgers aren’t allowed in all the rooms either, jyst bathroom kitchen & bedroom

Spartak · 28/12/2019 23:49

Of course OP can dictate who the lodger has round. It's her house, and the friend is paying a nominal sum to use a bedroom. It's not a house share where they both have equal rights to all areas of the property.

Butterymuffin · 29/12/2019 00:01

Keep it simple. You don't like him and you don't want him coming into your house any more. If that's unacceptable to her she will need to move but it's not up for discussion. Don't even get into rights and whatnot.

ACouchOfOnesOwn · 29/12/2019 00:07

A 'no guests' rule is one thing. An 'I'll randomly decide which guests you can invite depending on my current whims' rule? No, that isn't fair. When you take in a lodger, you are agreeing to give them a home. That brings responsibilities on both sides. You can't suddenly curtail it.

marylou1977 · 29/12/2019 00:10

What is the difference between a lodger and a renter?

billy1966 · 29/12/2019 00:13

By her telling you what you can and cannot do OP, she has very clearly told you exactly what she thinks of you and your kindness to her.

She's made it crystal clear.

She's a CF who is costing you money.

At least you know now where you stand.
I doubt this is going to end well with her attitude.

ReanimatedSGB · 29/12/2019 00:14

Did you and your friend have a proper discussion about house rules before she moved in? Did you, for instance, assume that renting her a room in your house meant you had the right of veto over a grown adult's sex life? Or was this something that was supposed to be a short-term arrangement? Is she young enough for this to be her first time living somewhere other than her parents' house, or is she very low-waged, that she is paying you so little?
Because it does sound like a combination of you being interfering and controlling, and her not paying you a fair rent for the room she's using. It's not an arrangement that's going to suit either of you in the long run, is it?

NigellaAwesome · 29/12/2019 00:15

I would just say to her it is t working out and she needs to make other arrangements for her accommodation. Regardless of the length of time you have been friends.

She's not really a lodger anyway, more like a long term guest who makes a minimal contribution to expenses.

jay55 · 29/12/2019 00:19

A tenant rents a property and can treat it as their home. A lodger is an excluded occupier who gets use of a room and has a live in landlord. They have far less rights.

A lodger with a partner never works out for the single landlord, unless they are a Monday to Friday lodger staying for work and going home to partner at the weekend. You'll probably want to rethink the arrangement in the new year.

Why can't your lodger go to her partners place for drinks before going out?

Pukkatea · 29/12/2019 00:25

If you have previously not set any boundaries about who your lodger can have to stay then YABU.

It is fair enough to set rules, not fair to set them based on if and when you don't like a particular person.

It doesn't sound to me like this person has done anything so horrific to be excluded permanently (criticising religious beliefs of someone you are barely friends with on fb isn't a crime and neither is staying in their house a bit too long when noone told you to leave)

So either you get rid of a good lodger or accept someone you have different views to will be in your space for a few hours.

NorthernLightsInWinter · 29/12/2019 00:27

Tell her if she was a proper lodger paying proper rates and bills, she'd have proper lodger rights. If she wants the arsehole around hers, she needs to get her own place.

comesavemenow · 29/12/2019 00:28

your house, your rules. Tell her she can either stay or leave but she can't have that guy in the house. And please tell people clearly that you want them to leave. Why were you hinting to the guy? If it happens again tell the person in question that you are going to call the police if they don't leave your house immediately.

LadyMacbethWasMisunderstood · 29/12/2019 00:36

Of course you can dictate who comes to your house.

Just give her notice. It’s not worth you having her there. And tell her that in the meantime he is not permitted.

The people telling too otherwise are thinking she is a tenant. They are all wrong. Lodgers only have the privileges you afford when.

Iamallatsea · 29/12/2019 00:56

You have done her a favour, what she has paid hasn't covered the extra costs of her staying. You may as well have just handed her money out of your purse, worse still she’s not in the least bit appreciative of the fact that it is your place and you are trying to be kind.
Resentment is going to build up on both sides as long as she is there, she may get the hump if you ask her to leave but it’s the only chance to save your friendship.
She’s not renting or even a lodger she’s just a friend staying for a while who’s chipping in a bit ( inadequate bit that is) to cover the extra gas/ electricity etc. She obviously thinks that the £100 per month gives her equal rights to your flat, tbh most young adults pay more board than this at home.
You do not owe her anything, you obviously value the friendship way more than she does.

YellowJellyfish · 29/12/2019 00:57

She's not a lodger, she's a mate you're doing a huge favour for!!

Just tell her no, that vile creature isn't coming into your house and get rid of her too. Who does she think she is talking to you like that!!

Tell the CF to take a hike

mediumbrownmug · 29/12/2019 01:01

YANBU. I’d kick him out myself and tell her if she doesn’t like it, you understand the arrangement doesn’t work for her any longer but you really hope she’ll stay. It’s your home and you’re doing her a favor, she’s hardly paying her cost. She can rent her own place and have over who she wants, if she feels that strongly about it. It might sound harsh, but I don’t do massive favors for friends who care so little about my wishes.

Willow2017 · 29/12/2019 01:13

It doesn't sound to me like this person has done anything so horrific to be excluded permanently (criticising religious beliefs of someone you are barely friends with on fb isn't a crime

Op doesn't have to listen to him making disparaging remarks about her religion to her face every time he sees her nor listen to him making sexist comments about every woman on the tv in her own home
She can say who she lets in her own home any time she likes. She is not obliged to listen to mr nasty for a paltry £100 a month!

God only knows what the friend sees in him he sounds a peach!

Equanimitas · 29/12/2019 01:36

You do sound a bit too controlling and precious to be renting out rooms, TBH.

OP isn't renting out rooms, she's doing a massive favour for a friend. In those circumstance she's 100% entitled to dictate who comes into her house. She's especially entitled to say she doesn't want a sex-obsessed manchild hanging around till 2 a.m.

Bluerussian · 29/12/2019 01:52

What Willow said 100%! Nobody should be insulted or embarrassed in their own home by a friend's boyfriend. He sounds absolutely vile with no manners at all.

As others have said, you are doing your friend a favour; she knows that and can see him elsewhere or find another place to live. There are studios and flat shares on Rightmove, it won't take long.

Bluerussian · 29/12/2019 02:00

Throwawaytheatre Sat 28-Dec-19 22:41:18
The time he stayed until 2am, he had come round with some other friends of ours and my lodger had already gone to bed.
......
I've only just seen this. What a cheek!

Bluerussian · 29/12/2019 02:02

Equanimitas Sun 29-Dec-19 01:36:20
OP isn't renting out rooms, she's doing a massive favour for a friend. In those circumstance she's 100% entitled to dictate who comes into her house. She's especially entitled to say she doesn't want a sex-obsessed manchild hanging around till 2 a.m.
.......
I like your turn of phrase, Equanimitas, well done.