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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want my lodger’s partner round on NYE?

173 replies

Throwawaytheatre · 28/12/2019 22:22

An old friend of mine is currently lodging in my spare room.

She has recently gotten involved with a man that I just do get along with. I knew him through friends before they even met and I disliked him from the start. He is absolutely sex obsessed, always posting statuses about women he wants to “fuck”, he disparages my religious belief (I’m a practicing Anglican) nearly every time he sees me, and he just can’t take a hint about overstaying his welcome.

I’ve decided I don’t want him on my property anymore; but now my friend and lodger has become romantically involved with him she has invited him round for drinks before they go out on NYE.

WIBU to put my foot down and say, no I don’t want him on my house?

OP posts:
cstaff · 28/12/2019 23:17

Just give her the option of no bf in my house or you need to find yourself a new place.

Btw OP I did a similar favour for a friend years ago who lost her job and had to give up her flat. I didn't charge her at first and once she got a job 2 months later she paid the going rate. So it is nice to be nice - just doesn't always work out.

cabbageking · 28/12/2019 23:18

Tell her face to face that you don't want him in your home.

She is free to meet him where ever she wishes except your home.

You are doing her a favour and she needs to respect it is your home and your rules.

Serin · 28/12/2019 23:19

"You either ban all visitors or you dont"

Really? I dont agree with this.
My DC have friends round all the time but there is one guy who I cant stand and they knows this so would never invite him over.
It doesn't have to be a blanket ban on all guests, (unless you want it to be) just this misogynistic and rude man.

FraglesRock · 28/12/2019 23:19

"Df, I think you've got confused, as a lodger sadly you don't have the rights that a rent paying tenant has. So the no bf rule stands or obviously let me know if you'd like to find a new place. Have a great nye "

Chloemol · 28/12/2019 23:20

@Poorolddaddypig What do you expect her to do? Leave her house? The friends a lodger, and now going out with someone she has said she doesn’t want in HER house

Op, she’s a lodger, your house your rules. If she doesn’t like those rules then she can move elsewhere, perhaps into his place?

cstaff · 28/12/2019 23:20

Also this is not just about new year's eve. This is every other day of the year also. Feel free to fuck him out anytime. CF

ProfessionalBoss · 28/12/2019 23:21

@Throwawaytheatre I'm shocked and appalled at your comment;

My lodger is currently telling me I can’t dictate who she has in the house

I honestly think that she needs to be reminded of her place in your house, and if she continues to be disrespectful, she should be looking for alternative accommodation!

DDiva · 28/12/2019 23:21

There seems to be far to many blurred lines here. It would be great to give her freedom as for the moment this is her home too. However it seems she is taking libertys and is not considering how you feel I your own home. Regardless if you like them she should have made him leave before going to bed.

I think it's time for her to find somewhere else to live this arrangement is not working.

SynchroSwimmer · 28/12/2019 23:22

I’m trying to think of wording you could use with your close friend and other possible solutions....

Could you go out say for coffee somewhere neutral and then say “ You know we are such good friends and I am happy to help you out temporarily, but you know, it’s my home, my sanctuary, my safe space, and whilst you and I have such a lovely relationship - when you came, I didn’t actually sign up to having anyone else or visitors other than you in my home....I need to tell you that I really need my own space, my peace, quiet....whatever”?
....I think someone else might be able to think of better wording.

“We are great friends but I am asking you to respect my space”?

Could she (be gently encouraged) without compromising your friendship, to actually move in with the man?

Could you be having a “relative” who needs to come and stay next month, so you need the room - if that’s plausible?

Maybe check what proper lodging rates are in your area, AirB&B rates etc - and say you have a financial shortfall, so you are “going to need to find an extra income to keep afloat”.....maybe “having a school teacher coming to rent the room formally from you”

£100 per month, after Council Tax payments for a household that’s not sole/single occupier - will mean you are going to be well out of pocket on heating, electricity, water before any other expenses though.

GabsAlot · 28/12/2019 23:23

Shes hardly even a lodger shes like a kid paying the parents some housekeeping

she has no right to having anyone over

PollyPocketLucyLocket · 28/12/2019 23:23

OP long shot here, however is he taking the MICK-ey, by any chance?Wink

Jux · 28/12/2019 23:23

Do you want to continue the friendship? How do you think she'll react if you tell her he can't come round and really put your foot down? Paying £100 a month doesn't mean she has free rein in your house, if she wants the rights and privileges that tenants have then she'd have to pay a decent sum etc.

It's your house. If you don't want him in it, that's your privilege but how will it affect your friendship?l

ProfessionalBoss · 28/12/2019 23:25

ShockHmmShock

£100 a month? Your "lodger" is a "freeloader" and most certainly is not a friend if she thinks that's an acceptable amount to contribute for a roof over her head etc!

2020 is the year for her to move out

LagunaBubbles · 28/12/2019 23:26

Why can’t you leave them alone to spend some time together?! I don’t get why you’re even there?

You don't get why the OP is in her own house?

cstaff · 28/12/2019 23:28

@Jux
Her friend obviously hasn't considered the friendship whilst demanding her bfs access to the house, while paying 100 a month. That works both ways.

Serin · 28/12/2019 23:29

All you need to say is the MN mantra,

"This arrangement isnt working for me"
So I'm going to have to ask you to leave.
(You cheeky skinflint)

Don't go down the route of making excuses as she will only come back at you with "solutions" or excuses.

ConstanceL · 28/12/2019 23:30

I think you can't really even class her as a lodger if she is paying you so little - just a friend who is staying with you. She has absolutely no rights to have anyone visit if you disagree and the fact that she is pushing back on this shows she is an entitled CF. If she really pushes this then she needs to know that you mean what you say about this man, and she will need to find alternative accommodation.

ivykaty44 · 28/12/2019 23:30

It’s time to suggest that she moves on in the very near future. NYE isn’t going to be the only time he comes round and it’s going to be an on going issue with him in your home. He’ll outstay his welcome and cause you problems

Better to stay friends and sort this now

Either advice her you can’t have him in the house - end of and they always need to meet up elsewhere

Or you advice her it’s not going to work out her living with you

TimeForPlentyIn2020 · 28/12/2019 23:30

@PollyPocketLucyLocket eh?

GenderfreeJoe · 28/12/2019 23:33

She's not really a lodger is she. More like a guest who pays towards the bills. I'd say no. She can always find somewhere else to live. Might struggle to find somewhere for virtually nothing though.

Cornishclio · 28/12/2019 23:36

You are doing her a massive favour by letting her live at your house virtually rent free. £100 a month is a joke and if she thinks that gives her any rights at all she is misguided. If she won't adhere to your rule of not letting this guy in then tell her to find somewhere else to live, friend or not.

DingDongSchadenfreudeOnHigh · 28/12/2019 23:38

Why would you not be able to go to bed because her guest is still there?

Because she does not like or trust him.

Would you feel comfortable going to bed - effectively making yourself vulnerable - with some creep like this in your home?

ivykaty44 · 28/12/2019 23:38

Tbh I would think that op is subsiding her friend, the £100 isn’t going to cover the 25% extra on council tax, the water, electric & gas. The friend gets free everything else

Hangingwithmygnomies · 28/12/2019 23:41

I think part of the problem you have, is that your friend thinks she is a house mate and not a lodger. You need to be clear on where she stands with things like guests etc.

Cherrysoup · 28/12/2019 23:41

You can ban whoever you like from YOUR house, she has zero rights. If you don’t like someone, they don’t get to come to your house. Make it very clear to her. No way should you be uncomfortable in your own house.

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