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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want my lodger’s partner round on NYE?

173 replies

Throwawaytheatre · 28/12/2019 22:22

An old friend of mine is currently lodging in my spare room.

She has recently gotten involved with a man that I just do get along with. I knew him through friends before they even met and I disliked him from the start. He is absolutely sex obsessed, always posting statuses about women he wants to “fuck”, he disparages my religious belief (I’m a practicing Anglican) nearly every time he sees me, and he just can’t take a hint about overstaying his welcome.

I’ve decided I don’t want him on my property anymore; but now my friend and lodger has become romantically involved with him she has invited him round for drinks before they go out on NYE.

WIBU to put my foot down and say, no I don’t want him on my house?

OP posts:
Justmuddlingalong · 28/12/2019 22:40

If you value the friendship I think you have to suck it up. However, if you dislike him so much, which is understandable, you have to say no, he is not welcome in your home. Then you need to tell her the current arrangement is no longer working and she needs to find alternative accommodation. Either way, the friendship is at risk.

Original poster
Throwawaytheatre · 28/12/2019 22:41

The time he stayed until 2am, he had come round with some other friends of ours and my lodger had already gone to bed.

OP posts:
Raphael34 · 28/12/2019 22:43

What exactly is a lodger? Is she paying you to stay there? If so then you can’t ban her from inviting friends over. If he does come in and make a horrible remark to you though it would be fair enough to then kick him out

Josephinebettany · 28/12/2019 22:45

I think you should ask her to move out. Could you make up an excuse? You're doing some major renovations? She'll prob know it's not true but it might save the friendship

Original poster
Throwawaytheatre · 28/12/2019 22:45

@Raphael34 we don’t have a written agreement. She is a friend who lives with me and pays £100 a month toward the extra costs involved.

OP posts:
ReanimatedSGB · 28/12/2019 22:46

This is probably why it's a bad idea to have lodgers who are also friends. Your friend is an adult and doesn't need your approval of her relationships/friendships. You're not her mum. If someone is living in your house, I think you have to accept the fact that their friends are not your friends, and make your house rules along the lines of 'no overnight guests' or 'no noise after 11pm' rather than trying to ban specific individuals.
You do sound a bit too controlling and precious to be renting out rooms, TBH.

BoxOfBabyCheeses · 28/12/2019 22:47

Give her the option of staying with you, paying a low rent and saving. Or moving to somewhere she pays full rent and has the option of bringing her chauvinistic and bigoted love interest round for drinks.

It sounds like you're doing her a favour and she should be more focused on your feelings in your own home

Unless you charge her full lodger rent for your area. In which case you would be unreasonable.

BoxOfBabyCheeses · 28/12/2019 22:48

Cross post. Definitely NU!

IdiotInDisguise · 28/12/2019 22:49

£100 a month? She is taking the mickey! She is a guest, not even a lodger!

VolcanionSteamArtillery · 28/12/2019 22:50

Omg shes not really a lodger shes a friend youre doing a favour for! Im surprised £100 even vaguely covers the costs of her staying!

I wouldn't mention the boyf at all. Id just quietly put an end to the friendship

OoohTheStatsDontLie · 28/12/2019 22:53

My view is that ordinarily, you cant dictate guests (though you can dictate frequency of visits and other rules such as no overnights without being agreed in advance). If you just didnt like him because of a personality clash then tough. But you can say you wont put up with someone being rude to you in your own home and it sounds like he is trying to deliberately wind you up about your religion

beautifulstranger101 · 28/12/2019 22:55

You have every right to not have him in your home. Its your home.
However, I would suggest she moves out then because she also has a right to have visitors if she is renting from you. If she's paying you then its "her space" too- she's paying for the privilege of having that space.
I think I'd be asking her to move out- solves the issue completely.

beautifulstranger101 · 28/12/2019 22:56

oh £100 a month- yeah, tell her to sling her hook, she's taking advantage of you

justasking111 · 28/12/2019 22:57

Ooh I would expect to be paying a lot more than that. My friend was a lodger ten years ago and paid eighty pounds a week.

LittleTinselTown · 28/12/2019 23:00

She's only giving you £100 a month and is trying to dictate who you allow in YOUR home? I'd get rid of the cheeky fucker.

Nanny0gg · 28/12/2019 23:02

You do realise that she'll bring him back afterwards too, don't you?

Put your foot down and point towards the door if she doesn't like it, it's your home.

bettybattenburg · 28/12/2019 23:02

This is why I'd never have a lodger, I'd ask her to move out op.

Bluerussian · 28/12/2019 23:04

He sounds vile. Your house, your rules. Ask your friend/lodger to find somewhere else as soon as she can and tell her why.

The man should not speak so vulgarly about women nor mock your beliefs anywhere, least of all in your own home. Hopefully your friend will see him for what he is eventually and get rid but in the meantime, you're entitled to some peace from him.

billy1966 · 28/12/2019 23:10

100 a month!
She's hardly covering her costs and thinks she can dictate.
Bad move.
Text her except that I will not have that twat in my home again or by all means move out.
Either way he doesn't cross my front door.

OP, these types of arrangements rarely work out.

You are hugely being taken for granted

She's paying 25 quid a week and thinks she can dictate who visits!!
Really 🙄

Serin · 28/12/2019 23:11

£100 a month is a joke.
You do realise that a room in average student halls cost around £110 a week?
She is taking the piss.
No she cant have vile man round and while you are on the subject I'd be telling her that actually you really need your own space back now so she will need to be moving on in the new year.
Just say it isnt working for you.

RhinoskinhaveI · 28/12/2019 23:12

This woman is on perilously thin ice! 😳😣 It sounds very stressful how dare he be so rude to you in your own home😲

MaButterface · 28/12/2019 23:12

Tell her to move out if she doesn't like it. Your house, your rules. And it will never last, she'll crawl back to you when he fucks up.

Justmuddlingalong · 28/12/2019 23:14

Don't let the fact you've been pals since you were 3 stop you looking out for yourself. It's obviously not stopping your friend.

AlexaAmbidextra · 28/12/2019 23:16

Why can’t you leave them alone to spend some time together?! I don’t get why you’re even there?

Err. Because it’s OP’s house?

Wauden · 28/12/2019 23:17

The time he stayed until 2am, he had come round with some other friends of ours and my lodger had already gone to bed. This he must not do as he was treating the situation like he is the lodger. In any case, a decent lodger would ask first whether that was ok in the first place.

Even though they are mutual friends.

Did he ask first? How did you react? You need to watch him closely.

Does your friend know how rude he was about your religion? What he is really like? Can you put her off him?

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