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AIBU?

Husband wanting to remortgage.....I don’t

131 replies

Guitarlessons · 28/12/2019 20:09

DH and I only have just over a year left on our Mortgage, and I for one cannot wait to have that security and freedom where the house is finally ours.

Just for a bit of background when I was younger my mum and dad were alcoholics, and my mum would never pay the rent, we would get letters threatening eviction and my mum would tell me about this as she was worried and I mean she would tell me this at a young age (about 11/12) and I remembering worrying where would we all live. So we have been hammering our mortgage and in just over a years time, it will be ours.

DH wants to buy land, and eventually build a house, which means remortgaging. I don’t want to do this. I’ve told him once our mortgage is paid, he can do what he likes but don’t remortgage the house, but he says we can’t do that, he needs to remortgage get the the money from the lenders!!

He says I’m being unreasonable, I won’t even think about it....eh no I want the security of my home. We are both going to be 50 without a mortgage and I think that’s a brilliant achievement. Another reason I don’t want to remortgage is because of Brexit, we don’t know what’s going to happen with that, it could affect my husbands job, it could affect my job. We only have about £11,000 to pay on our mortgage, and now he wants to remortgage for about £150,000, to live in the middle of no where and that’s another thing I don’t want to live in the middle of no where. I love my house, I love the area we in.

I can’t see another way round this!

OP posts:

Am I being unreasonable?

796 votes. Final results.

POLL
You are being unreasonable
6%
You are NOT being unreasonable
94%
TinyBarista · 28/12/2019 20:16

Self build mortgage would mean you wouldn't have to remortgage your current home. Although it would still be a mortgage and debt IYSWIM. You'd need to build up capital first for putting towards the build, land costs etc. The money is then accessed bit by bit as you're building the property so wouldn't accrue all interest from day one. DP is a mortgage broker and says these are getting more common.

Fabmumof3 · 28/12/2019 20:19

This reply has been deleted

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IdiotInDisguise · 28/12/2019 20:19

Have you found the plot already? Does it have planning permission? And most importantly, do you like the location?

If you answer “no” to any of these questions, dug your heels down and refuse to remortgage.

80sstyle · 28/12/2019 20:21

Definitely not for that amount

ivykaty44 · 28/12/2019 20:22

How can you have 100% Yanbu and 7% yabu?

windycuntryside · 28/12/2019 20:24

Is he a builder ?

Guitarlessons · 28/12/2019 20:26

Thank you for your replies, no he isn’t a builder, he has found a plot but I don’t know about the planning permission.

OP posts:
GreyGardens88 · 28/12/2019 20:28

I wouldn't let him, I feel exactly the same way as you OP, for me a mortgage free property would bring me so much relief and a sense of freedom. If he wants to do it, tell him to save and get his own separate mortgage

pinksquash13 · 28/12/2019 20:29

Neither of you are wrong. You just want different things. Does he not like your current house/ area?

WireBrushAndDettolMaam · 28/12/2019 20:30

I think the vote function is drunk Grin

YANBU OP. I would think the same as you.

Husband wanting to remortgage.....I don’t
Guitarlessons · 28/12/2019 20:33

He does like our house and area pinksquash13 but he wants somewhere in the middle of nowhere with land where he can have a massive greenhouse, and plant trees, where he can access fishing, and walking etc.

I can see if for myself, he will be away doing all those things (I like the walking so that would be fine), but he would be away fishing, and golfing and I would be stuck in the middle of nowhere myself, with no family or friends round about me.

He keeps going on and on about it so much that tonight I’ve told him to fuck off, we can just sell this house and I will take my half and he can take his which would be about £150,000 each. He knows how important it is to me to pay off our mortgage, he has always known this.

OP posts:
BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 28/12/2019 20:36

Tell him that once the house is paid off he can decide whether he wants to split up or remain together. That remortgaging and doing a newbuild is a hard no from you.

PickAChew · 28/12/2019 20:49

He can't do it, presuming the current house is also in your name, if you don't agree to it.

I'm 50 and did start again with a mortgage, a couple of years ago, but for a safe, manageable mortgage on a slightly larger, already built house (which can function as a bungalow) in a better location - specifically not in the middle of nowhere, partly because we didn't fancy reaching old age in rural isolation.

Merryoldgoat · 28/12/2019 20:57

Well, the real issue as far as I can see is you have entirely different ideas about what you want for the future.

Has this not come up before? I genuinely would not live rurally. Nothing about it appeals to me. If that was my husband’s dream then we’d have a massive problem.

TigerOnATrain · 28/12/2019 21:01

@Guitarlessons

YANBU. No way in HELL would I be remortgaging/taking on a new mortgage when the property I have is nearly paid for. That's a new level of batshit.

I know around half a dozen people/couples who have done this. Had their home paid for by the age of 45-52, then sold the house, and took the equity, and added a mortgage of £100K to £130K to it (at the age of 45 to 50-ish) so they can buy something they deem as 'bigger' and 'better.' (To look good in the eyes of others I suppose.) Wink

They now work all the hours God sends and will be working til they're nearly 70. They have a bigger, more expensive house, but no life.

Me and DH have no mortgage, and haven't had for a decade, and will both be retiring in the next 3 to 4 years, (at around age 55,) because we can. But we couldn't if we took on a bloody £100K mortgage!

It's madness to take on lots of extra debt when you're middle aged (or older) for NO reason at all other than to impress people. Hmm

JiltedJohnsJulie · 28/12/2019 21:05

If he want to how his own things and go fishing, could he start with an allotment and fish on the canal/local river?

I'm in my 50s with no mortgage. There is no way on earth I would remortgage. Our money now is going into retirement funds.

I especially wouldn't be moving to the middle of nowhere. I quite like bing close to the GP/Pharmacy/Restaurants and bars and we have the benefit of being semi rural too.

IceCreamAndCandyfloss · 28/12/2019 21:17

Neither of you are wrong, you want gs and neither trumps the other.

You can choose to compromise or one live with resentment and the relationship may simply not last.

Mosaic123 · 28/12/2019 21:18

What about moving out fur six months and renting to see if he and you like it in the middle of nowhere. Can I suggest you rent during the winter as the summer gives a false impression.

PlanDeRaccordement · 28/12/2019 21:24

Once the mortgage is paid off, put the monthly savings into buying a camper van. Then he can fish and golf at a different place every week if he wants to.

Wynston · 28/12/2019 21:33

Planderaccordement.......thats a great idea!!!

Rosspoldarkssaddle · 28/12/2019 21:43

Getting that envelope with your deeds in is the most wonderful feeling.

Chocolatemouse84 · 28/12/2019 22:00

Is there no compromise e.g a smaller loan and holiday home /caravan that's got the fishing and walks and maybe nearby allotment that he can spend some time at?

I wouldn't want to increase my mortgage by so much or move somewhere I'd hate, but eqally, if this kind of lifestyle is his dream then maybe there is a way it could happen on a lesser extent?

PlanDeRaccordement · 28/12/2019 22:02

Thank you Wynston.
The OP and DH can even bring their campervan over here to France on the ferry or Chunnel. We have really good fishing and walking in the Alps and Pyrenees.There are many beautiful camping sites.
That combined with an allotment for his gardening and both should be happy.

1Morewineplease · 28/12/2019 22:08

You crave one thing and your husband craves another.
You really need to talk.
You clearly want different things from life.
You need to compromise or split. Resentment hangs over you both irrespective of which way you go.

ClutterbuckFarm · 28/12/2019 22:09

Agree with previous posters. Does your DH have practical experience of living in the middle of nowhere and/or self building? If not, he’s probably got goggles on and you need to give him a reality check. Consider renting a cottage on a dirt track for a couple of months in Jan/Feb and see how he gets on.

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