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AIBU?

Husband wanting to remortgage.....I don’t

131 replies

Guitarlessons · 28/12/2019 20:09

DH and I only have just over a year left on our Mortgage, and I for one cannot wait to have that security and freedom where the house is finally ours.

Just for a bit of background when I was younger my mum and dad were alcoholics, and my mum would never pay the rent, we would get letters threatening eviction and my mum would tell me about this as she was worried and I mean she would tell me this at a young age (about 11/12) and I remembering worrying where would we all live. So we have been hammering our mortgage and in just over a years time, it will be ours.

DH wants to buy land, and eventually build a house, which means remortgaging. I don’t want to do this. I’ve told him once our mortgage is paid, he can do what he likes but don’t remortgage the house, but he says we can’t do that, he needs to remortgage get the the money from the lenders!!

He says I’m being unreasonable, I won’t even think about it....eh no I want the security of my home. We are both going to be 50 without a mortgage and I think that’s a brilliant achievement. Another reason I don’t want to remortgage is because of Brexit, we don’t know what’s going to happen with that, it could affect my husbands job, it could affect my job. We only have about £11,000 to pay on our mortgage, and now he wants to remortgage for about £150,000, to live in the middle of no where and that’s another thing I don’t want to live in the middle of no where. I love my house, I love the area we in.

I can’t see another way round this!

OP posts:
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Am I being unreasonable?

796 votes. Final results.

POLL
You are being unreasonable
6%
You are NOT being unreasonable
94%
katy1213 · 20/01/2020 17:22

No way would you persuade me to retire to the middle of nowhere, or even the borders of nowhere!

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tanstaafl · 20/01/2020 17:57

I think you’re being unreasonable here OP.
The law of averages says the wind will only be blowing the smell of shite through your newly mortgaged house some of the time. Grin

His plans , if you can call them that , are pie in the sky.

Moving to a pre-built house with a large garden (for his Percy Thrower phase) , NOT next to a chemical works, shit farm, council tip or other stink is about as compromising as I’d be.

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monkeymonkey2010 · 20/01/2020 17:58

it’s been up for sale for quite some time, the price has been reduced a few times, there is no planning permission and it’s next to a sewage works!!!!!!!
Yea, i wonder why it isn't selling.......Hmm

It sounds to me like he's got his eyes on the 'money' and what HE can do with it - you're not a priority, just like when he cheated on you.
You took him back because you had nowhere else to go and no money - you didn't exactly have much choice did you?
He knew it.

He's going to keep coming with 'ideas' of how to spend the money because that's probably been his plan all along.
You've never had a serious conversation about having a second home/relocating yet he's starting to play that manipulative game.

Have you told him that YOU are NOT relocating?

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Highonpotandused · 20/01/2020 18:02

Another reason why I don’t want to remortgage is if anything were to happen with our marriage (there is a reason for this which I won’t go into) and we split up I know I have a large share of our home which I can have to buy myself another property.

This is reason alone not to do it.

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madcatladyforever · 20/01/2020 18:05

I think it's crazy, you almost have financial security, I'd never remortgage again, I did it to renovate a house and lost money.
When you build or renovate you always go over budget, you only have to watch a few grand designs to see that.
His pipe dream will see you in ruins you mark my word.
I am in £35k of debt I never had before and have had to downsize and remortgage.
Worst thing I ever did.
It's all very well having dreams if it doesn't impact the whole family.
You are in your 50's, how long do you think you are going to be able to live in a remote house with a massive garden.
I'm 57 and have already had to swap my 100 foot garden for a large courtyard because of increasingly bad osteoarthritis.
It's a bonkers idea all round and would only work if you were 20 years younger.

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madcatladyforever · 20/01/2020 18:10

Personally I'd ditch him now before he ruins you and you are both homeless. Take your half and run.
My husband fucked off and left me will ALL the debt of this ill advised renovation, I've had a hell of a job sorting it all out and my early retirement is out of the window.

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LonnyVonnyWilsonFrickett · 20/01/2020 18:13

He's bonkers. I used to live near the sewage plant in Leith and the thought of moving back to that for some sort of rural idyll is ridiculous!

I think you should go and see a financial advisor to be honest. He sounds deluded about his pension too. Nothing like some cold hard facts.

Oh and the last time I looked at a self build mortgage, the rate was 8%, which will be very different to what you're paying now...

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BougieQueen · 20/01/2020 18:16

I think he is having a mid-life crisis judging by the changing of plans all the time. Stand your ground love.

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SouthernComforts · 20/01/2020 18:33

Woahh, forgetting the mortgage for a minute, why on earth would you only pay extra into his pension??

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dottydaily · 20/01/2020 19:03

No way would I do this...do engage in the discussion with him...give him a chance to voice his opinion and discuss as you would any major financial decision...let him feel heard..Then say NOSmile

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flirtygirl · 20/01/2020 20:17

A planning app does not cost 15 k as one body on last page said and you only go over budget if you don't plan exec entry.

I have done many rents and a self build and I went into contingency because of unforeseen circa but not over budget and many a time I have been under budget as everything went to plan.

Too many people get carried away or don't shop around or know how to handle a build or reno properly.

Back to the op, it doesn't sound like it's good for you in NY way shape or form or tat you fully trust him, stay put as you have already decided and don't let him pull you down. Also yes pay equal amounts into both your pensions unless hes is gold plated with excellent widow benefits and you can easily claim half in a divorce.

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flirtygirl · 20/01/2020 20:18

Wow so many typo's, sorry. Texting on the fly does not suit me.

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BemidjiMinnesota · 20/01/2020 20:21

Well obviously his Sewage House plans are ridiculous (and who'd want to eat vegetables that have been grown in land that's regularly flooded with human excrement?) But the bigger issue is talking about putting the spare mortgage money into HIS pension. Why would you even consider that? Put half in his and half in your pension.

As a previous poster advised, in light of all this new information about how selfish your husband is, it might be a good idea to have your interest on the house registered, so he can't forge your signature to remortgage.

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billy1966 · 20/01/2020 21:06

OP, do not entertain him in any way.
As you get older, isolation is the last thing you want.
I second a camper van and an allotment and tell him to hike.
Pay it off an indeed tell him we'll sell and split.
At least he will know you mean business.
Then tell him you don't want to discuss it again until the mortgage is paid off when ye can discuss selling and splitting.

Never compremise your independence.

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andyjusthangingaround · 20/01/2020 21:19

@Guitarlessons - any update OP?

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newbingepisodes · 20/01/2020 21:21

I would do it but then my FIL Is a builder and my DH is an engineer who can do any building / diy jobs so I can do building work for next to no cost. But that's just me.

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Guitarlessons · 26/01/2020 13:55

Hi sorry for being so late coming back again, life is hectic at the moment!

He has now found another property he wants to buy, it isn’t too far from where we are now and has a bit of land attached to it. It has a derelict property on it just now, it’s a cash buy for offers over £90000. I said where are you going to get the money from, he said he will remortgage our home, I then said where are you going to get the money from to fix the property/. He then said forget it and walked out!! That was last night, he has now come home from work and went to bed.

I heard him on the phone to his brother last night saying “I do everything for this family and Get fuck all back”.......I’m seriously thinking of telling him to fuck off for real!

OP posts:
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Thelnebriati · 26/01/2020 14:23

I don't think anyone would blame you for wanting to leave and start over.

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Figgygal · 26/01/2020 14:26

He’s being a petulant bully OP

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aroundtheworldyet · 26/01/2020 14:38

Look he wants something you don’t. What he wants isn’t unreasonable. But he clearly hasn’t thought about it at all properly. This is where people get into big trouble.

But as I said upthread. The problems are not really about the new scheme. Clearly he feels a certain way about things and you feel differently.

Can you really not sit down and talk properly. Is that just not feasible

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LimpidPools · 26/01/2020 14:52

He’s being a petulant bully OP

This. Re-mortgaging and sacrificing your security etc etc for a move you don't want is hardly a small thing, is it? Tosser.

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Gillian1980 · 26/01/2020 14:54

In your position I wouldn’t want to remortgage either. The thought of being mortgage free is such a dream that when it’s achieved (when we’re 63 & 67) I cannot imagine wanting to jeopardise that.

Sounds like the 2 of you are wanting to go in completely different directions and both would resent the other for not agreeing. Maybe a split is a real possibility.

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DesLynamsMoustache · 26/01/2020 14:57

He's in cloud cuckoo land. He should have plans, spreadsheets, you name it, if he's considering taking on a self-build or major project. You don't just buy it on a whim.

And he can't remortgage without you if it's a joint mortgage so he either buys you out of your share or he pipes down.

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JKScot4 · 26/01/2020 15:02

Your DH sounds a bit unhinged, he’s jumping from one mad idea to the next, can he not bear the thought of money potentially being available and not spending it? I think you should gather all your info and get to
a financial adviser and decide a way forward and if it means selling up and going your own way to be it, I couldn’t live with someone this irrational and desperate to spend money.

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Frenchw1fe · 26/01/2020 15:09

Stick to your guns OP.
Living in France I meet lots of Brits who think they can buy an old wreck and do it up. The most honest of them eventually admit they may have a nice home but it will never be worth what they spent on it. Living in the middle of nowhere is only for the young or farmers.
We live in a hamlet ten minutes from town and I hate relying on the car.
The Brits also buy lots of land which they have no idea how to manage and usually get scammed by at least one English workman. E.g.. My dh loves gardening and worked 2 allotments as well as commuting 5 days a week but when we bought our home we decided half an acre was plenty and most of that is grass and a pool.
Also diy is not the same as building and related skills unless you are very talented.
Perhaps sell up and rent an old wreck in the country for a while. Put things in perspective. But put your money in an account where you both have to sign for it just in case.

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