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AIBU?

Husband wanting to remortgage.....I don’t

131 replies

Guitarlessons · 28/12/2019 20:09

DH and I only have just over a year left on our Mortgage, and I for one cannot wait to have that security and freedom where the house is finally ours.

Just for a bit of background when I was younger my mum and dad were alcoholics, and my mum would never pay the rent, we would get letters threatening eviction and my mum would tell me about this as she was worried and I mean she would tell me this at a young age (about 11/12) and I remembering worrying where would we all live. So we have been hammering our mortgage and in just over a years time, it will be ours.

DH wants to buy land, and eventually build a house, which means remortgaging. I don’t want to do this. I’ve told him once our mortgage is paid, he can do what he likes but don’t remortgage the house, but he says we can’t do that, he needs to remortgage get the the money from the lenders!!

He says I’m being unreasonable, I won’t even think about it....eh no I want the security of my home. We are both going to be 50 without a mortgage and I think that’s a brilliant achievement. Another reason I don’t want to remortgage is because of Brexit, we don’t know what’s going to happen with that, it could affect my husbands job, it could affect my job. We only have about £11,000 to pay on our mortgage, and now he wants to remortgage for about £150,000, to live in the middle of no where and that’s another thing I don’t want to live in the middle of no where. I love my house, I love the area we in.

I can’t see another way round this!

OP posts:
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Am I being unreasonable?

796 votes. Final results.

POLL
You are being unreasonable
6%
You are NOT being unreasonable
94%
FacesLookUgly · 29/12/2019 11:37

Debt has to be one of those things that you are either both in agreement with, or you don't do it.

Either of you must have the ability to veto the idea.

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CFlemingSmith · 29/12/2019 11:39

Honestly the remortgaging sounds the least of the issues here. Think you both need to have a proper chat about what you want before it escalates. Neither of you are in the wrong, but I don’t see how either of you can compromise

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NoMorePoliticsPlease · 29/12/2019 11:42

There is no compromise. You want different things. If you are a joint owner this cannot happen. My OH wanted to remortgage and I didnt. The feeling of being mortgage free and secure is wonderful. I live in the country and love it but many dont. Fishing and Golf take 6 hours out of your day.You will be stuck alone. If he cannot find a compromise, ie a smaller project tfunded elsewhere then you are right to tell him to fuck off

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Fluffycloudland77 · 29/12/2019 11:44

It sounds like a vanity project & vanity is a cruel mistress. He’s been watching too many grand designs.

Can you put some sort of register of interest on the house so it can’t be re-mortgaged behind your back? Dh’s ex very nearly got away with re-mortgaging their house by forging dh’s signature. It wasn’t even a good forgery, she drew a little circle over the i like a thirteen year old 😂 but the bank didn’t question it.

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Happygirl79 · 29/12/2019 11:50

Stand up for yourself
Believe me being mortgage free at 50 is marvellous and frees up money to do things with your life you couldn't have done before
You don't need to impress anyone
Be yourself

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Daenerys77 · 29/12/2019 13:59

Why can't he get an allotment/join an angling club?

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Motoko · 29/12/2019 15:06

Good point about the possibility of forging your signature, if he's so set on this. I've heard of other people getting caught like this.

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NaomiFromMilkShake · 29/12/2019 15:18

Tell him to jog on. Angry

We cleared the mortgage two years ago, borrowed a further thirty to do the bathroom and kitchen, badly needed kitchen hadn't been touched for 35 years, pre us. Bathroom for 20. We currently owe £16k

We can overpay the mortgage and will restart in the NY we didn't have a penny in back up when we were done, we are now approaching £8k in savings so will whack £4k off that and then there will be a year left, some bonuses due this year, so the timeline will more than likely be less, but point being DH is 63 and I am am 55, when it is gone I will be drunk for a week Grin not seeking an another albatross around my neck.

Like others have said, angling club and apply for an allotment.

He is deluded.

Is his name Tom and your name Barbara ? (The unwilling accomplice Grin

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Soen · 29/12/2019 17:31

Agree, you both need to sit down and discuss how you see your future. Neither is being unreasonable. If you did decide to go down the self-build route, is there any chance you can rent your home out to bring in extra income. I admit, I'd feel a bit precarious taking on another mortgage at 50. I'm early 30s with a loooooong way to go on my mortgage and it feels like a ball and chain.

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CottonSock · 29/12/2019 17:34

Camper van and allotment, sorted!

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Iponb · 29/12/2019 18:13

I think you are. The good point about money discussions is that you can always do the maths.
A few questions :

  1. Can you build in that plot?
  2. Where would you stay while they are building the new place?
  3. What do you plan to do with your current home or how are you going to pay the new mortgage
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Prawnofthepatriarchy · 29/12/2019 18:36

Now he wants to remortgage for about £150,000, to live in the middle of no where and that’s another thing I don’t want to live in the middle of no where. I love my house, I love the area we in.

Quite apart from your fear of being homeless, which stems from your childhood, this last point is a big one.

I can see no reason why you should be dragged off to live in the middle of nowhere when you hate the idea.

However if it's his dream, in the same way that being mortgage free is yours, and neither are prepared to compromise then you might have to split up. It's very sad, but your dreams are totally incompatible. Perhaps make sure he understands this and see if there's any way round this.

Tbh I think he should be more understanding of your feelings, which stem from such a major trauma.

Regarding alternatives, when I was a kid we had a touring caravan and used to set off most Fridays in the summer for weekends, often in the middle of nowhere. We had a brilliant time and created many lovely family memories. Other posters have made a range of suggestions. Perhaps one of them will meet the needs of both of you. Hope so.

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Motoko · 30/12/2019 10:32

A motorhome would be great. I follow a YouTube channel (Bob Earnshaw) where the couple have taken early retirement, and they go off in their motorhome a lot. They film a lot of the places they visit, and they've been to many beautiful areas in the UK, as well as Europe.
They have a large motorhome, with a separate bedroom, so don't have to make up beds out of the living room seating, and a good size washroom with a shower cubicle.

Your OH could try fishing, or golfing in lots of different areas, while you go walking, or stay at home.

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busybarbara · 30/12/2019 10:36

This is about lifestyle and not the financials. You should consider opening your marriage so you can both do more of what you want

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PickAChew · 30/12/2019 10:39

Are you trying to say that shagging someone else would enable him to live rurally, @busybarbara?

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hazell42 · 30/12/2019 11:01

I think i read someone on here a few days ago saying that of her friendship group she was the only one who had not remortgaged and she is now able to think about retirement and holidays while all her friends are saddled with massive mortgages and houses that are just too darned big.
I'm with you. If you are happy with your home and it suits your needs, why would you sacrifice all that security just so he can play at building his dream house

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Iponb · 30/12/2019 11:08

I think that you need to do the numbers. If you can't afford it, well show it to him. If you can.. Then discuss it

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Countrysidelife · 30/12/2019 11:12

Could you look into buying a small area of woodland? Somewhere you building a holiday cottage, so a very small grand design. Could be the best of both worlds, and woodland is very cheap

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Ijustwanttoretire · 30/12/2019 11:14

He can't remortgage without you (presumably he can't afford £150000 on his own) so stick to your guns. We paid ours off nearly 5 years ago and the relief is immense - don't cave in!!

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tttigress · 30/12/2019 11:14

Could you it some farm land or wood land for about £20-30k that he wouldn't have permit to build on (except for possibly a shed), that way he could go off and do his activities, while you still have the house?

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OldGrinch · 30/12/2019 11:56

I am early 50s and paid off mortgage couple of years ago. The relief is intense. I never want to have another mortgage in my life. We have a perfectly nice 3 bed semi detached in a pleasant area near to all amenities. DC have a double bedroom each so can invite friends round for sleepovers etc. Yes my house is a bit old fashioned inside and doesn't have a big kitchen diner, but I would 100% rather have a house that's all mine than something bigger and smarter that would be a milestone round my neck. As PP said, vanity is indeed a very cruel mistress.

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foodandwine89 · 30/12/2019 12:00

Your problem is not the mortgage, it’s the fact you want very different things for the future. You need to sit down and hash out how your future will look like.

Living in the middle of nowhere in old age is my idea of hell. Away from friends, family and medical care. BUT he’s allowed to have different wishes to yours and you need to find a compromise.

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PurpleBee39 · 30/12/2019 12:17

YANBU - He is the one being unreasonable. I think you need to make sure he can't remortgage without your consent.
His idea sounds fine for him, but this isn't what you want and being stuck out in a rural area would be very isolating.
You are being sensible wanting to be mortgage free and I fully understand your reasons for wanting to feel secure.

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olivertwistwantsmore · 30/12/2019 12:35

It’s is about lifestyle and not the financials. You should consider opening your marriage so you can both do more of what you want

What on earth do you mean, @busybarbara??? 🙄🙄🙄

Op, you and your h seem to want completely different things, and it doesn’t sound as if he’s listening to you at all. Don’t go and move somewhere you’d hate!

Has he ever mentioned this dream to you before, or is it new? Does he currently garden, fish, do anything rural? Agree with others that he can compromise by joining a fishing syndicate and applying for an allotment. He could also go away for a few weekends wild camping, surviving off the land, building fires, to Satisfy his need to be rural and alone.

But he has no right to tell you you’re being unreasonable, nor to be haranguing you about it.

You need to sit down and talk about this properly - and he needs to listen to you! Good luck.

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LimaCharlieHotelPapa · 30/12/2019 13:05

I feel for you OP. Agree your husband just wants different things, but helpful if he'd been this explicit at the outset, especially if he knew how important financial security is to you. Sounds he's more willing to take risks, but at your ages a mortgage for such a high amount would scare me to death.

I've watched enough programmes to worry £150k may not even be enough to self build depending where you are, especially if you're relying on trades rather than doing some yourself. I also know someone who built their own home using trades and went massively over budget with a long list of design and build issues. You would need to do your own research before agreeing and have a very clear idea of costs, a contingency fund, and how the build would be managed so it stays on target. Will the build be managed by one of you, with presumably no experience of doing so? And if so can you take enough time off of work?

You need to ask what age you want to retire and what retirement funds you already have (pension, investments, savings whatever) and whether a new mortgage is even realistic. If you're going to stay together one of you has to compromise and I'm assuming it's easier for your husband to find similar hobbies where you currently are than for you to make a leap of faith with his dream. I hope you manage to work it out!

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