Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU not to let my husband have a girlfriend?

265 replies

MoggTheCat · 28/12/2019 19:11

Long backstory but in a nutshell: I’m 43. Married to DH for 18 years, with 4 DC aged 10 - 17. Before we had DC our sex life was normal/reasonable. After DC I had physical injuries due to difficult deliveries, which made sex painful. Struggled on for several years having painful sex approximately once a month. DH became increasingly upset over lack of intimacy and had a brief affair 5 years ago. I’ve taken antidepressants for over 20 years, which have adverse effect on my libido. DH and I get on very well as friends, enjoy each other’s company and are good parents together. But I find any form of physical intimacy impossible, such as sex, oral, kissing. Holding hands, hugging, cuddling up in bed are all good. I just have no physical desire for sex whatsoever. Complicating factor is that I am definitely bisexual, possibly gay. Due to homophobic parents, I wasn’t able to consider this until my late thirties. We have previously had over a year of sex therapy with Relate, which did not help. Currently we are not having sex at all. I feel terrible about DH feeling so rejected and not having a sex life. I feel it is unfair to expect him to stay with me if I cannot provide sex and intimacy. We have discussed having a more open relationship. I do not want to see anyone else but said I wouldn’t object to him seeing an escort or similar to fulfil his sexual needs. He said he wouldn’t enjoy sex with somebody that he was paying and didn’t know well. He said the person would need to be someone that he could get to know, exchange messages with, go on dates with, etc. I feel this would be him having a proper girlfriend and I don’t think I could cope with that. But if I can’t offer him sex myself, AIBU to refuse to let him have a girlfriend? Any advice gratefully received, thank you.

OP posts:
kateandme · 29/12/2019 05:56

i think the injury is a red herring.youve said,your gay.that is why you dont want to be with him.an there is NOTHING wrong with that op.truly there isnt.i know there is the ingrained shit your parents drummed into you.but you clearly dont share those views so screw what they did or didnt think.to shame people for love,well they dont deseve you time nor unhapinness.
i think you could be happy.and i think you and your dh could feel so free and like a weight lifted if you both were honest.you on your sexuality and him too.and then part.amicably.be who knows great friends.and still able to be a family who co parents.but not together.
dont let your own kids grow up thinking its wrong to be with the sex or person you love.your parents told you it was wrong.isnt that what you will do if you dont admit it now?

Besidesthepoint · 29/12/2019 07:41

It's not the penetrative sex though, you also don't want to kiss him. It sounds more that you have gone off him than sexual problems. If you both don't want to divorce now then don't. I can fully understand both wanting to stay with the children as long as you are still friends. But do think about the future as well.

Nanna50 · 29/12/2019 08:04

@SchnitzelVonKrumm

You don't want to have sex with him so won't, but some other, poorer, possibly trafficked woman who doesn't want to have sex with him, should? And he should accept that whoever he's fucking won't actually want him? What a repellent suggestion.

This ^ blunt but accurate.

AnotherEmma · 29/12/2019 08:37

bd67th Flowers

WhatsInAName19 · 29/12/2019 08:49

You don't want to have sex with him so won't, but some other, poorer, possibly trafficked woman who doesn't want to have sex with him, should? And he should accept that whoever he's fucking won't actually want him? What a repellent suggestion. Either you open the marriage so you can both be intimate with others and express your sexuality (and you'll need to be honest with him about yours) or you divorce amicably.

^^ this.

Also if you stay together you've got to either forgive or live with the fact that he betrayed you because you suffered injuries delivering his babies. That was an appalling thing for him to do.

AgentJohnson · 29/12/2019 09:06

Your H craves intimacy not just sex and your suggestion of paying women is abhorrent. He’s become your beard, I doubt very much that intimacy would be off the table if your H was a woman.

Op you’re hiding in your marriage and it’s damaging to both of you. Sometimes there is no compromise and one of you needs to be brave and just end such a depressing existence.

There’s something kind of cruel about your endless talks about your sexual status with a man you refuse to be intimate with.

Are your parents still alive and or still homophobic? Work through your sexual hang ups with a professional and let your H go.

outherealone · 29/12/2019 09:13

I feel sorry for you regarding your physical problems. I have disabilities which were largely caused by pregnancy.
BUT. I ended my marriage and one of the biggest reasons was that my husband hardly ever wanted sex with me and when he did he clearly wasn’t interested in me.
I think that you both need to go your separate ways and explore your own sexuality while he’s allowed a sex life.
I think it’s selfish to say he can pay for sex but not have the joy and intimacy of a real sexual relationship.
And he’s clearly not comfortable with using prostitutes.

Nofunkingworriesmate · 29/12/2019 09:30

I’m shocked that you have been left to endure painful sex, I’m assuming you have exhausted all forms of corrective surgery and treatments/therapies? Could it be psychological pain ?
Sorry but I too think your marriage is over mainly because you identify as gay not so much the lack of sex which is not uncommon in many relationships

Crack1ngC0medy · 29/12/2019 09:52

You don't want/can't have sex

He wants to have sex

Why do you think you have the right to dictate what sort or who with type of sex he should have ?

You can't have it both ways !

Blueskywhy · 29/12/2019 14:19

Lack of enthusiastic sex in a relationship (unless both parties are happy with that situation) is not good.. If I were in your situation, and loved my DH, I think I'd want him to have a GF for his happiness. Easy to say that in the abstract I guess.

FabbyChix · 29/12/2019 14:22

Sex - I’m never sure why relationships can’t survive without it it’s a need born of animal instincts for me I’d rAther a sexless relationship than one where I’m a spunk receptical and could be anybody

GiveHerHellFromUs · 29/12/2019 14:29

OP if you think you may be gay do you fancy other people? Do you fancy your husband?

katy1213 · 29/12/2019 14:30

Wouldn't hurt you to turn a blind eye to discreet relationship - but you need to accept that it could blossom into something more.

EnthusiasmIsDisturbed · 29/12/2019 14:36

He isn’t just missing sex he is missing the intimacy, to be desired for his partner to want him physically

Him having a girlfriend will end in tears yours as he will fall in love with someone else or certainly become infatuated

It’s really sad situation if you can co parent and be supportive still but separate before it gets to this, before your guilt clouds you judgement and the decisions you make

But he also has to decide if sex is that important to him (I think he has already made that decision and that’s not a judgement it’s very sad for you both)

Disillusioneddaisy · 29/12/2019 14:38

If you are gay could this be one of the reasons why you aren't attracted to him? Could you see yourself being intimate with someone else? A woman? Or do you not feel it at all?

I don't throw around LTB often on MN and I don't believe mismatched sex drives necessarily mean a relationship is doomed but from everything else you've said, do you not think you might be happier separating and living apart? He gets to meet someone and have a sexual relationship and you don't have to feel guilty about your lack of intimacy. You can remain friends and coparent. Is this something you'd consider?

Daisy7654 · 29/12/2019 14:59

Try threesomes with another willing woman. Problem solved.

mencken · 29/12/2019 15:00

life is too short for all this and the phrase 'dog in the manger' comes to mind with your ideas.

you're gay. That's fine. He wants a full marriage which includes a sex life. That's fine but the two are not compatible.

split up, co-parent and both of you find happiness elsewhere.

Pumpkinpie1 · 29/12/2019 15:14

Maybe the reason you are finding sex so difficult is because you are with the wrong gender partner
I think this relationship isn’t healthy for either of you

nowaypose · 29/12/2019 15:18

Divorce and co-parent as friends. That’s my genuine advice. I don’t see the point in a sexless marriage when one party is unhappy with this. Your husband deserves a fruitful sex life which you can’t give him so he should be free to seek this elsewhere. A mistress is off the cards so divorce is the only solution.

Frankola · 29/12/2019 16:36

It sounds like he wants a whole other relationship. Not just sex.

You have a number of options here.

Split up. You dont seem compatible sexually and that's obviously an issue.

Allow him to visit prostitutes only or ONS's. However he doesnt seem to like this option.

Allow him to have a separate relationship. Personally I couldn't do this.

To me, he is looking for a new relationship which he will enjoy whilst maintaining a legal marriage to you. I'd see this as a huge insult. He is essentially seeking emotional attachment to someone new.

I'd say the best option for you both is a fresh start.

AgentJohnson · 29/12/2019 17:37

To me, he is looking for a new relationship which he will enjoy whilst maintaining a legal marriage to you. I'd see this as a huge insult. He is essentially seeking emotional attachment to someone new.

But suggesting he should pay for sex and have ONS isn’t an insult to her husband.

formerbabe · 29/12/2019 17:39

To me, he is looking for a new relationship which he will enjoy whilst maintaining a legal marriage to you. I'd see this as a huge insult. He is essentially seeking emotional attachment to someone new

Or perhaps he wants to have sex with someone who desires him rather than someone who is being paid to.

EC22 · 29/12/2019 17:41

You’re marriage has already ended. Divorce now before you stop being friends.

Tistheseason17 · 29/12/2019 17:50

Your husband being aware that you find women attractive is very different to you being gay and preferring women.

I think you need to be honest with him.

I am sorry about your post birth injuries but i do think these are a red herring so to speak. You still prefer women and this is the issue with your marriage, really.

If your DH is staying because he is being patient then you are doing him a disservice as your best friend - you love him as a friend rather than a lover and friend together.

You can still co-parent with love and respect and then both meet people that you are passionate about - rather than him waiting for you to be ready when you know deep inside it is not him you crave at any point in the future.

Best wishes as it is obvious you did not intend this.

BeyondFlubeInclusionaryRF · 29/12/2019 18:11

I've been almost exactly where you were, disabled by childbirth and realising that my female attraction was stronger than I thought. I let xH get away with cheating over and over as I felt guilty.

I am now with my female DP and funnily enough when I was out of the hetero marriage my sex drive and pain improved immensely. And I began to realise that there had been a lot wrong with my marriage all along