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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU not to let my husband have a girlfriend?

265 replies

MoggTheCat · 28/12/2019 19:11

Long backstory but in a nutshell: I’m 43. Married to DH for 18 years, with 4 DC aged 10 - 17. Before we had DC our sex life was normal/reasonable. After DC I had physical injuries due to difficult deliveries, which made sex painful. Struggled on for several years having painful sex approximately once a month. DH became increasingly upset over lack of intimacy and had a brief affair 5 years ago. I’ve taken antidepressants for over 20 years, which have adverse effect on my libido. DH and I get on very well as friends, enjoy each other’s company and are good parents together. But I find any form of physical intimacy impossible, such as sex, oral, kissing. Holding hands, hugging, cuddling up in bed are all good. I just have no physical desire for sex whatsoever. Complicating factor is that I am definitely bisexual, possibly gay. Due to homophobic parents, I wasn’t able to consider this until my late thirties. We have previously had over a year of sex therapy with Relate, which did not help. Currently we are not having sex at all. I feel terrible about DH feeling so rejected and not having a sex life. I feel it is unfair to expect him to stay with me if I cannot provide sex and intimacy. We have discussed having a more open relationship. I do not want to see anyone else but said I wouldn’t object to him seeing an escort or similar to fulfil his sexual needs. He said he wouldn’t enjoy sex with somebody that he was paying and didn’t know well. He said the person would need to be someone that he could get to know, exchange messages with, go on dates with, etc. I feel this would be him having a proper girlfriend and I don’t think I could cope with that. But if I can’t offer him sex myself, AIBU to refuse to let him have a girlfriend? Any advice gratefully received, thank you.

OP posts:
BlueSkyAtChristmas · 28/12/2019 22:51

You need to divorce and lead separate lives. Definitely live apart while forming an amicable arrangement to co-parent. Anything else is likely to leave an adverse legacy on your DCs views of intimacy and relationships. They will likely notice and internalise unconventional arrangements- which could be more damaging than divorce.

Thetruthwillout80 · 28/12/2019 22:52

Sorry, I missed the bit where he had cheated on you..Shock

Thetruthwillout80 · 28/12/2019 22:53

Life is short Flowers

Leflic · 28/12/2019 23:05

How would sex with a woman be better though?

If you genuinely have issues with intimacy you need to work out if that’s “ him”, the pregnancy or actually because you prefer women.

motherheroic · 28/12/2019 23:06

Holding hands and cuddling is not going to cut it for someone who desires sex. There isn't even any kissing. You're being selfish. End it.

bd67th · 28/12/2019 23:11

The op says she won't even kiss him

He also cheated on her. I would find it very difficult to kiss a man who cheated on me, especially if I thought that the man would expect kissing to lead to sex that would hurt. And TBH in the OP's circumstances I'd question my attraction to males too.

SandyY2K · 28/12/2019 23:14

Your sexuality is a major part of the current situation.

Personally, I think getting married or into a long term relationship and having kids under these circumstances (while witholding that info) is deceptive.

At least you take some responsibility for his affair though and I do think you've been very brave in your opening post.

I'd ignore the comments about rape...your thread is not the place for it and those who have commented are not representative of every escort. It's just detracting from your issues and should be debated elsewhere.

scubadive · 28/12/2019 23:18

I would let him go on a dating site for those wanting no ties. He could then meet someone else who just wants sex.

kateandme · 28/12/2019 23:25

i do think you can have a mariage without sex so i dont agree with people saying this si waht makes it different than other relationships.intimacy in other way.the way you hold,touch just lean into one another.the way you talk or have a family.the way you love them.the thing i see different here is i didnt see you mention your love for one another once!
i know families who are sexless for many different reasons.but i still no these couples love eacohter and want to be with eachother no matter what.

bd67th · 28/12/2019 23:25

leflic How would sex with a woman be better though?

I'm bi, so have basis for comparison.

  1. For many men, it's not "real" sex unless his dick enters your vagina. Women don't think like that because we don't have a wick to dip, so if you don't want to be penetrated at all, your gf won't complain that it's not "real" sex.
  2. Women have the same equipment so know how to stimulate it effectively and without. For example, women don't twist nipples like they are trying to tune a radio set.
  3. Shagging a woman feels much safer and more relaxed for me. After a rape and a childhood gang sexual assult, all perpetrated by men and boys, I can relax with a woman in a way that I can never quite with a man. I don't have to worry that she's going to use both hands and her bodyweight to pin me down whilst using her uncondomed built-in rape weapon penis to put me at risk of pregnancy. With a man, there's always a little detached part of my mind monitoring what he's doing (which is probably why I've come with a man exactly once in my life, before my rape). That detached monitoring mind-part isn't there with a woman.
kateandme · 28/12/2019 23:26

i dont beleive he "needs" to go out and get sex.he does because there is so little else between you either.

bd67th · 28/12/2019 23:28

Gah.

Women have the same equipment so know how to stimulate it effectively and without pain.

ACouchOfOnesOwn · 28/12/2019 23:31

As a PP pointed out, the birth injuries aren't impacting on all of the intimacy that you're withholding. It sounds in your OP as though you think you might be a lesbian. You're being very unfair not to explore that further with your counsellor whether it's painful or complicated.

Your DH deserves to know that actually you're not attracted to him because you're attracted to women. Equally, you deserve to experience a relationship with a woman if you're a lesbian. You're hiding from who you are and that's not healthy for you or your DH.

Honestly, your suggestion that he uses escorts because you can't face unpicking your sexuality is deeply insulting to him and to other women. I don't see how anyone who cared for someone could seriously suggest that as a solution.

Leflic · 28/12/2019 23:37

bd67th it’s not him though. It’s her. She’s says any form of intimacy is off.
Mine has erectile dysfunction.We have sex without his penis. You can do this easily.
Op us blaming him when in fact it’s her need for something/someone else that’s the issue.

Strongmummy · 28/12/2019 23:39

If you can’t meet him in the middle on this then it’s time to call it a day.

TiddyTid · 28/12/2019 23:48

Split. Find what you both need elsewhere and co-parent your children. You will all be happier.

Wheresthebeach · 28/12/2019 23:51

You think you are gay so you need to end this marriage. Its not fair on anyone.

it’s disgusting to suggest prostitutes.

I doubt it’s all has easy going and friendly as you think it is.

Closetbeanmuncher · 29/12/2019 00:08

So what I'm hearing is that you're gay and in denial but want to keep up this facade of marriage to someone you're not really attracted to.

Original poster
MoggTheCat · 29/12/2019 00:10

Thank you for all your responses, especially to those posters who have made positive suggestions.

I’m really upset by people who have suggested that I have been in some way deceptive. I certainly didn’t marry DH knowing that I was gay. As I mentioned in my first post, my parents were extremely homophobic so it was not something that I felt able to admit to myself or explore in any capacity until many years later.

My husband has been well aware for many years that I am attracted to women and it is something that we have discussed together at length.

OP posts:
bd67th · 29/12/2019 00:10

She’s says any form of intimacy is off.

And I've said upthread that in past relationships (with men, didn't make that clear upthread) I've withdrawn all intimacy for weeks or months after bouts of post-coital cystitis for fear that any intimacy would escalate to PIV sex and another cystitis bout. This wasn't because I didn't want intimacy, but because I feared pain and sickness. (I've also realised since December 2018 that I suspected, without consciously admitting it to myself, that my ex-BFs would rape me if I ever said no, hence feeling unable to say no to intimacy escalating.)

My point is that the OP, like me, might well want intimacy but fear that any intimacy might escalate to painful sex or her DH might expect intimacy to escalate and then be disappointed.

Also, I've never been given cystitis by an ex-GF, never withdrawn intimacy from an ex-GF, never been left in pain by an ex-GF, and never feared penetrative sexual assault (note: women cannot rape, assault by penetration is the closest offence) from an ex-GF. I can understand someone mistaking that lack of fear of sex with a woman for lesbian orientation.

The question is whether the OP fears intimacy escalating, and if so, can she ever trust DH to respect her boundaries without grousing?

SchnitzelVonKrumm · 29/12/2019 00:10

You don't want to have sex with him so won't, but some other, poorer, possibly trafficked woman who doesn't want to have sex with him, should? And he should accept that whoever he's fucking won't actually want him? What a repellent suggestion. Either you open the marriage so you can both be intimate with others and express your sexuality (and you'll need to be honest with him about yours) or you divorce amicably.

returnofthecat · 29/12/2019 00:38

I understand completely why you don't want to have sex - you've been injured as a result of childbirth.

However, the fact that you don't want to kiss your DH is troubling. Have you ever agreed to take sex completely off the table and try to explore other ways of being intimate with each other? With the pressure/fear gone, if you still don't want to kiss him, it suggests you aren't actually attracted to him. From what you've said, it doesn't sound as if you would like sex with your DH but physically can't have sex with him, it sounds like you just don't want to sleep with him.

In a hypothetical scenario with no repercussions, would you like to kiss a woman? Or does the thought of that also evoke no response from you? What about another man? If it turns out you can fantasise about another person (male or female), then I think that's the end of your relationship. However, if no one can excite you, it sounds like your libido has completely gone, and that might be fixable with medical intervention. You can treat a lack of sex drive, you can't treat a lack of attraction to someone.

It's worth a conversation with your DH as to what his long-term dealbreakers are. He wants to eventually have sex again - does it have to be PIV? Given your medical history, that might be unrealistic to aim for. Would he settle for you getting comfortable with kissing again and exploring non-penetrative forms of sex? I'm not saying this is anything you're going to be up for anytime soon, but if where you could potentially get to is not a compromise he can live with, I think it's time to cut each other loose.

Yellow1c · 29/12/2019 00:47

End the relationship.

Mummyshark2019 · 29/12/2019 01:01

Divorce. Move on. That's the only fair thing for both of you. Stay friends and coparent living locally.

Derbee · 29/12/2019 01:05

I would separate and both find girlfriends